I keep erasing this post before I finish it...start over...erase etc etc. I've never used a forum before, so I apologize if I'm not using the proper etiquette. I don't really know where to start, or if this is even the right place to. I don't even know if this will be read. I want to vent everything out, I want to scream to the whole world and I can't. I'm tired. I'm mad. I'm mostly mad. I'm very bitter. It's a recipe I hope will unleash some kind of fury where I go completely crazy and snap so I can collect myself and learn and move on but I don't ever snap...I think that scares me more. My 63 year old father has been living with us (my hubby, my 7 yr old son and I) for 6 months. He has a serious hoarding problem, he's had it his whole life, my mother as well, but they're divorced and hoarding separately. My mother likes to "hold on to things" in case they have a use later on. My father likes to find treasures at thrift stores and yard sales, he calls himself a "picker". But pickers usually sell their things and he just holds on to it, so that makes him a picker/collector/hoarder. Every day my father comes in with a bag or 2 of these "goodies". I've tried several things to get him to sell them, but he never bites. He gets agitated. I worry he'll get so angry with me he'll live on the streets. If you can imagine trying to find a place for 180 bags of assorted items, paintings, ornaments, wooden figurines, house hold appliances, electronics, trinkets, tea pots, Japanese pots, glassware, wooden boxes, carvings, etc etc etc etc, you can start to imagine my situation. He doesn't plan for his future. I was hoping he could stay with us while he gets back on his feet, but instead he's put his feet up and lived off us without saving a dime. Out of all the treasures he found...he hangs a 2 dollar dollarama 3d horse picture in my kitchen... He doesn't really help out financially, he's offered to buy the weekly groceries 3 times in 6 months. He does do the dishes most nights...but he never does them properly and we usually have to rewash them. I'd like to say he's trying...but that's stretching it.
Aside from his hoarding he also does not shower or bathe, he does not change his clothes and he's an alcoholic, a smoker (we quit over a year ago) and he refuses to take any kind of medication even if prescribed by his doctor. Though his drinking has dropped dramatically since he's stayed with us, I've yet to see him actually get drunk...but I have smelled alcohol on him. I grew up pretty rough with a lot of physical and mental abuse, and I have a lot of unresolved issues with both of my parents. We were actually put into foster care because of my parents hoarding and now that I have a son of my own, cleaning and planning have been a big deal for me. My son is my whole life, and I feel really stuck right now.
I'm angry that out of 6 older siblings who all have houses, high paying jobs, cars and extra rooms left me to deal with this on my own with only one income, no car in a small apartment that we just got by in the first place. I'm hurt because I'm a work from home mom so I could provide a constant stability for my son, so he could grow up in a different kind of home than I did, and my father is slowly but surely turning that home into the nightmare I escaped when I was 16.
I'm torn between wanting to take care of my dad and him being comfortable, and the realization that I can't do this and I need help. It's not fair to him or me or my family. I want him to be happy and healthy and he isn't that way here and I'm not either. I don't know what to do..I can't seem to have a heart to heart with him, he's very closed off. All I do know is that I feel like a prisoner in my little apartment watching my little home that I worked hard to create slowly become submerged in a sea of things that don't belong to me. This place feels less and less like home everyday.
Any advice out there?
Okay...here goes nothing, pressing submit...
Let me just say that things will get better. Rome wasn't built in a day and if you've been at it for 3 months with your home, I'm sure you already know that time you'll have to take it a step at a time. I'm glad to hear you have friends coming next Tuesday to help you.
At this point, I would agree with Judy that it does not make sense to talk to your husband about the frustrations you have with his life long hoarding problem. He's not mentally able to see it the way you do. This hoarding compulsion is a mental illness. So I think it is kinder and wiser to let him die in peace rather than upsetting him with things he can't change or really understand.
It sounds like your marriage has been an unhappy one. Maybe you stayed in it because of your mom's need for care and your son's need for care. Does your son still live with you?
You haven't wasted your life. You are young at 51 years old and a new reality and way of living is coming your way. Take it a day at a time. It will be ok. Are you worried about your financial situation? Does your husband have some life insurance? Are his medical costs covered? How old is your husband and when was he diagnosed?
I'm asking you these questions because I think they can also add some understanding of your being so overwhelmed with the state of his hoarding?
Maybe we can talk about a few things before you post your question or discussion. Sending you love and support, Cattails
Hey, Sleepy, how is it going? Are you making headway and getting your life back? Please give us an update, I know there are many others worried and interested in your progress.
Hope all is well and you are getting your home and life in order so you can find peace and happiness once again!! Hugs!
My heart goes out to you!
I am familiar with what you describe.
I am going to speak very pointedly.
Some folks reading this might feel it is harsh.
I make no explanation, except that there are signals in your post that may indicate your situation is more dire than you might think at this moment.
This is YOUR LIFE you are now fighting for
You cannot afford to waste a moment stuck in falling apart emotionally--you already spent some time yelling and crying--now take some actions to help yourself and your family.
From your description, he is in NO position to take care of himself, and has not been for a long time.
What you describe of him includes complicated mental illness, and that you have been co-dependent or assisting it to continue, of sorts, for most of your life.
--that is, you fell for his stories hook, line, and sinker all this time.
NOW your blinders are off, and you get to see SOME of what's been going on.
He has shown he cannot make rational nor good nor decent decisions,
nor order his life in any way that is healthy.
You have NO idea what else he may have been hiding from you for decades.
You have not a clue about his actual debts, relationships, or other habits, nor his past--for he will not have honestly disclosed anything to you.
That is all part of his illnesses.
Your blinders are off now, it is up to you to take corrective actions.
You must get as much help as you can, to remedy things as soon as you can, to HELP YOU. He's in the hospital...there are staff there to help him. HELP YOURSELF--like putting on an oxygen mask first, so you can better help others.
In this case, you help yourself, so you can help your kids.
SUGGESTIONS:
Schedule a lawyer appointment with Area Agency on Aging.
OR, seek out a low cost or sliding scale legal aide nearest you. In WA State, that is NW Justice Project in Seattle--I am guessing there are similar groups in other States.
IF you cannot find one call Welfare office, and ask them to help you find legal aide.
ASK:
Can someone help you sort out what needs done first--you have just learned part of what your spouse has been doing for decades, and you fear for your safety, and for your children--even if they are adults, this will adversely affect them, to learn what Dad has been up to for so long.
---Can he be declared incompetent, so you can take care of what needs taken care of? [show them pictures of the worst messes, and write up a document describing your life's story with him].
---Take witnesses willing to testify or write statements, to the locations, to show them.
Make reports to police so there are formal documents.
His behaviors have been abusive towards you and likely to family
---you have no clear picture of how that has been, because it seems as though you have had a veil over your eyes about his behaviors, until you saw that "trap line" property.
While he may NOT have INTENDED to, it ended up being so.
People who are mentally ill, may have "impulse control" issues, that goad them into doing things they would never do if they were in their right mind.
Unfortunately, their family members suffer deeply from the consequences of those behaviors.
His fearing you to the extent of having his finger on the call button ready to force you away from him, is a strong sign that he has much on his mind causing abject fear
--and he most fears that what he has habitually been doing for decades will come to light, that he is virtually helpless to stop others from learning of, at this point.
Document what you find, and what you can remember for decades of his behaviors, by writing "one-liners", keeping it as short and to the point as possible. Keep emotions out of it as much as possible--just state facts..
Submit your documents to the Police by way of a formal report of spousal abuse, and to your Social Worker and lawyer.
--you can rightfully fear for your safety, even in the state he is in right now--because you have no idea who he has been using that cell phone to contact, nor what else he has been cooking up, reacting to his inner fears.
You got sucked into his "rabbit hole" for far too long.
You can choose to make healthy changes--help yourself learn to have a better life.
Since he has been doing these things for decades,
you have no idea how much ELSE he has been hiding.
He had you bring him a pre-paid cell phone so he can continue to run whatever he's been doing behind your back, some more?!
Do NOT Refill that!
IF it is in your name, cancel it.
He can use the hospital phone so calls can be on records, and therefore subpoenaed !
Get legal help, fast.
You need it, badly.
Call a Social Worker, talk to police, talk with a lawyer.
Report what he has subjected you to for so long, and you fear for what he is currently trying to maneuver that could cause you and your kids further harm.
If you have any resources, you need to take steps to get them into your name ASAP--if he has not yet lost them for you.
IF there are retirement funds, you will need to take steps to make sure they are there fore you when your retirement comes--
IF he was in military and got retirement, or can get it later, you as his wife, are entitled to that ONLY IF he has signed paperwork to list you as his wife of record, for instance. IT has to be signed by him, as they will not help you once he dies.
Search your family financial records AND Credit Reports on him and you, to find what is there, and take steps to protect those, immediately.
He sounds like he is very close to doing foolish things with whatever he has his name on right now, and can access via cell phone.
You need to learn if he has been using your data to get loans, or whatever else.
You DO have at least one other choice, IF he has not compromised your data and credit rating [one of my friends actually did this]:
---You could opt to walk away--take your name off everything it is on with him, walk away and start over from scratch.
Disconnect with him, his debts, his messes, and whatever else he has kept secret from you.
But you do have 2 children--both adults?
A severely autistic child, regardless of age, needs care-giving, too...do not let our spouse deprive him of that support!
One or both of the children need to know what has been going on.
See everything with their own eyes.
Keep informed as best able.
They may have ideas about what they want done, too.
[I am not familiar with your son's level of ASD, but it has been a blessing for me, to hear my ASD son dishing wise, helpful words that have been supportive when least expected!]
But at least your daughter needs kept in the loop, and needs to see what Dad's been doing.
She might also have rational suggestions.
Folks on this list are supportive, have big hearts, lots of compassion, and collectively, lots of useful information.
But each of us has to do our own work at getting the helps we need.
Some of us have let life slip by us while ignorant of what was about to hit us, and then have to figure things out very fast.
We can cheer you on, and "hand hold" via computer.
We want those who come here for help, to find it, and keep safe!
I dearly hope you find good help!
{{{hugs!}}}
Chi