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Welp, I knew it was too good to be true. Please pardon the rant.


Mom entered the ALF a couple of weeks ago and all seemed great until this week. I finally got access to mom's financials and what a horrific site - nearly $10K past due on credit cards, hardly anything in the bank and her SSN/Pension barely covers monthly cost of ALF. To add to this, the facility had reached out letting me know that there's been deliveries every day for her to which she'd just give the stuff away.


Needless to say, I had to tighten the belt and after moving some money around and setting up a free spending account for her - she went ballistic. Yelling at me, hit me, saying she was going to sue me for stealing her money, etc. Right there in the middle of the ALF hallway.


Luckily, I've been there quite a bit and the staff knows the situation well- especially when it comes to her reckless spending habits.


Just feeling angry, lost - I really just want to throw my hands in the air and walk away.

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Those are the times I wish my mom would just forget who I am,
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Can you make an easy gesture? In particular, arrange a debit card for her. That will let her use a card, and put a limit on it – a limit in any one transaction and also to the total on the debit card. It may make her feel like she is in charge again.

I ended up with a debit card a couple of months ago, when my credit card renewal went down south to the PO box there, and activating it up here in Alice Springs was not working. The debit card has a limit of $600, which is more than I need for local shopping. I’m thinking seriously about using it permanently, just because it’s so much safer if I lose my wallet (where the card has a limit of $10,000). I tell DH if I’ve spent a lot, and he raises the limit. It is NOT ‘financial control/ abuse’, and it’s working fine for us!
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Her irrational “lashing out” is a manifestation of anger due to a lack of control over her life. Remember that she might not be capable of wrangling her emotions due to her condition. She will grow to accept this transition.

I’m so sorry you had to take the abuse. Be kind to yourself.

Although “self defense” is an instinct, remain calm. Respond to her with quiet whispers to diffuse her outrage.

If her behavior continues, talk to her doctor. She may pose an emotional or physical danger to others around her.
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csansonetti: Imho, for all intents and purposes, your mother may not present as "high functioning" at all as something seems to be amiss.
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So so sorry, so unfortunate.
You did the right thing although she will never see that.
I am sorry she hit you.
Feel free to walk away from seeing her while she is being a jerk.
You did a kind thing for her and do not deserve the treatment.

I agree with the posts to just call staff and see how she is and not see her.
It is a logical consequence to her rudeness.
she needs to find better use of her time than to shop for what she doesnt need.
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Oh boy! She is a blessed woman to have such a loving daughter. The yelling and vendictives definitely get on my nerves but hitting is another matter totally. As has been stated you definitely have to try to understand (hard though it may be) that her reality is no longer the same one in which you operated. Be aware however, that knowing this does not lessen the pain - it just always you to move on. It doesn't sound like you are the type who can just walk away but I would definitely take a hiatus.... she can calm down (it won't last) and you can exhale. Remember, you are her daughter but your priority is now your family. In her right state of mind, your Mom would understand and expect you to live your life. Next time you go for a visit, stay out of strike range and if she starts to go ballistic, get up, wish her a pleasant day and leave. I know it's hard but staying doesn't help you, her or the situation and probably upsets other residents so leave and go do something fun with your daughter or husband..... and exhale.


Since the staff at the AL now know you, you can always call them to check and see how she is doing. You might want to have a contingency plan developed which may mean finding out if the current AL has a memory care unit in case her dementia increases to the point where she can't be managed in the AL unit (they aren't going to want their staff getting hit either!) If finances will be an issue down the road, you may want to investigate now and see if her AL accepts Medicaid. Not sure how old Mom is but you don't want to get 3-4 years down the road, discover she had run out of funds for private pay and they won't accept Medicaid.

Wishing you luck and peace on this journey. Know that you are not alone.
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I can't thank you all enough for the support and kind words. This forum has truly been a godsend as you all are right - you start to second guess yourself, especially with the high "show-timing." Who knew that was even a thing??

My Uncle called me last night to let me know my mother called him telling him how he's got to help her, that I told the facility that she has dementia when it's just her heart (who knew Doctors just took people's word for it?) , how I stole her money (all whopping $15K of it), that she needs to go to the Bank and get everything reversed. Obviously he shut it all down but it's simply wild to me how she can forget everything else- but keep to this particular horrific story of me.

Especially given if it weren't for me, she would have been put in a psychiatric ward or a state run facility after the scene she put on in the hospital. Does she see any other family or friends running to her aid? Not one. No visitors. NOBODY.

Going grey might be better for me - just pay her bills, give her spending money - and keep away. I have a young family and I refuse to let her impede on their happiness or mine. Especially when she has done nothing - even prior to her diagnosis - to foster loving relationships with anyone other than having them visit her at her home.

Please pardon this free flow of thoughts that may seem all over the place - truth be told, they are as I reflect and find myself come to these conclusions. Thank you all again for your insight and perspectives.
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Seems your mom's decision-making is not high functioning. Seems her "acting out" isn't high functioning either. You did the right thing to get her financials under control. If she exhibits more "acting out," she may need memory care and/or an anti-anxiety medication to keep her from hurting others.
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I feel for you cause I know full well same holds true for me if and when I get ahold of my fathers accounts. Remind yourself you are doing whats right
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Please remember your mom has dementia and that controls all of her actions. She is no longer the mom you knew and you the roles are reversed with you having to be the adult. I have too been going thru this with my husband so I speak with experience. We are left with all the hurt and emotions when they lash out but just remember her brain is not the same and has no control. You are an angel for taking care of your mom so lovingly and in her best interest. She is lucky to have you but you will never hear that from her but I am telling you because you need to hear it. There are many not that lucky. Enjoy the time when able to with her as this is a progressive disease and will get worse. She may begin to not realize who you are as my husband has from time to time. This too is painful but not their fault. Be strong.
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Your mom's dementia is worse than you might have thought. Her being high functioning sounds more like she's high 'showtiming' to me.
You did the right thing taking control of her finances. The most important thing is making sure her care is being paid for.
Looking at the situation from her perspective she sees thieving and stealing on your part because she no longer has access to any money. Now factor in that she's in a secure AL facility and cannot come and go anymore and she will see it basically as jail. She will blame you for depriving her of her liberty too. Of course you did the right thing but on the other hand, you're the one who did these things and that's where all mom's anger and rage is coming from.
I think you'd do well to as they say, 'go grey rock' for a while. Limit your contact with her or have none at all. Maybe there's a way for you to be able to allow her small sums of money. Like a pre-paid credit or Visa gift card with limited amounts she can spend. Or if the AL take the residents on shopping trips (some of them do) give them a certain amount of cash that she can spend then ask for receipts.
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She obviously has dementia. God help her - she is lucky to have you to stop her mess that she has caused. Stand tough and if she rants and raves, point out why, etc. I doubt it will sink in but it will make you feel better. DO NOT GIVE IN. What I would do is, after explaining it to her or attempting to, just do what you need to do and let her rant and rave. And if she keeps going on at you, WALK AWAY - DO NOT VISIT OR CONTACT HER - don't let her attempt to harm or terrorize or impact you. Stay clear of her. Never let someone abuse you - ever.
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I had to do this to my brother in law. I had to get ahold of his social security now I am representative payee of it. But when I took over he was $700 in debt to his credit union because they were covering his spending and when his social security came in they would take the money they were owed. Then he had a credit card which after giving his information out to a company that was giving him vehicle coverage I finally got that shut down. I told his place where the credit card was out of that I wasn't paying for it. At times he still accuses me of stealing his money but if I didn't step in he wouldn't be living in his apartment, Now he has full blown dementia where he cannot drive anymore I have to sell his vehicle because come July I will not be able to register it and today I am finding out if I can keep it insured because no driver's license.

It maybe time to shut off your mother's credit cards so that she has money to stay where she is,
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I hear you! I have wanted to throw my hands up and walk away many times and still think about it. This is not easy, but you are doing the exact right thing to keep her finances safe and under control. Not to question your observation on your mom’s functioning, but she’s probably not as high functioning as you think and she will continue to decline. Stay strong!
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You really have done a good job of getting this under control. So glad you got to see the problem before it got worse. I had a less serious issue with my mom but getting my name on the accounts, getting information so the taxes could be done and resetting all of her accounts so her number and email was not on anything helped immensely. I actually created a email account using her name to conduct business for her. I also deleted her apps and passwords on her phone to keep her from resetting. I went through all of her contacts on her phone and blocked those she should not hear from and then deleted them. I learned to block before delete. What I learned was that when mom could not do things, she forgot how to do things. I make sure she keep 100.00 in her purse in cash because that is an obsession with her (but she doesn’t spend it now) and I gave her a card that only has 500.00 on it as a debit card. I also pay her hairdresser directly (he comes to the AL weekly). I have listened and empathized with mom when she tells me she is not a “baby” and I have expressed to her concerns that she will run out of money which I know she doesn’t want to do. I also told her over and over, “mom, this is who you are now, the good news is that you are safe and loved, and God is taking care of you. You and I know that I am here because I am your advocate.” We are Christians and mom knows that I would not dishonor her even though her paranoia wants her to suspect me. Her psychiatrist, referred to by her primary doc, evaluated her and got her on Zyprexa (olanzapine) 5 mg a day and that has stopped the paranoia mostly. I don’t call her in the evening because that is the worst time for her….her brain is tired and she gets suspicious easier. I got her a Echo Show 8 so she can call me and see me. She forgets to plug her phone in and that upsets her. The Echo Show allows her to make calls with the people in her contact list (see why I blocked and deleted some of her contacts?) She has been in AL since October of 2020 and is in a bubble of bliss in so many ways but there are times……
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Yes this is all so hard to deal with, but finding ways to "turn off" things like your cell phone and finding time to care for yourself/your family is a MUST.

I too am an only child w/most of my 84+ YO mom's siblings and friends having passed on. My mom has one living brother (81) left and he too has had to go low contact, letting the repeated calls just go to voice mail. My mom's phone receives texts, so when the call after call, after call starts in the evenings (a "sundowning" symptom for her) we have found it best to just text saying, "will call next week." Adding more time in between interactions/calls we have found to be helpful as a stress reducer on our end.

Thankfully years ago, I had structured a POA with my mom and I was added to her bank accounts almost ten years prior. Taking away the credit cards, check book, consolidating accounts and debts took almost a year; but it was all necessary. With my mom, I just did it as it had to be done in preparation for "spend down" so she could qualify for Medicaid, which is now done. She lived with my husband and kids the prior 22 years, so thankfluly there was no home to sell or pack up as part of this process.

For my mom, the dementia at first impacted her judgment/reasoning more than short term memory (that came later). The number of financial scams she fell for as well as writing a check to any charity that sent her anything and gambling expenses was a total sock. She had been frugal but once dementia set in there was no filter, no ability to understand what was a financial scam; no inhibition from buying everything advertised on TV especially those "you have 2 minutes to buy at the discounted with the time clock ticking down" ads; sending 3 checks to the same charity in the same week; and, the "if I just play another round, I'll hit the jackpot" mentality resulted in huge financial losses.

She is furious that she is now in a nursing home (she's been there a year now following a 2-week hospital stay). She is furious that she has no access to her credit cards, check book, etc. She asks for "her wallet" -- meaning credit cards/check book -- over and over. I just say sorry, "I will bring it when I have time," or "oh sorry, I forgot it." For the most part at this point I have had to go no contact because I cannot take the tantrums, the crying fits, the awful things she says, the crazy sundowning behavior, etc., etc., etc.

Dementia robs them of their ability to understand and reason in addition to loosing their memory and it sets in motion a host of behavioral issues that yes can become impossible to deal with. It is all so hard, sad and overwhelming at times. Doing what must be done -- such as taking over on finances, taking away credit cards and the check book, getting the care they need in a nursing home, assisted living or memory facility -- AND finding ways to "turn off" things like your cell phone, going low or no contact from time to time; and creating space to care for yourself and family is a MUST.
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Thanks for taking the time to comment. I guess "High Functioning" is not the right word. . . .Perhaps more so she's able to put on a good show. . .

I'm in the same boat. Unfortunately, her narcissistic tendencies have driven everyone away so it's just me- she has no relationship with my older half-sister, barely speaks to any family and has only "facebook" type friends- none that actually "show up" but express their "love" on social media.

I appreciate the advice. My husband and I are taking our five year old away this weekend and I'm going to steer clear for awhile. I wish you well also!
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Hopefully the ALF also has a Memory Care wing so your mom can move into it when need be. Hitting, yelling and saying she's going to sue you for stealing her money doesn't indicate a high-functioning level of dementia to me, not to mention being $10K in credit card debt with constant purchases and giving the items away! Thank goodness you stepped in to stop the bleeding of finances!

When dementia is involved, there's no rhyme or reason to the elder's behavior. I know, my mother is 94.5 with advanced dementia and there are many, many, many days I want to throw my hands up in the air and walk away too. Except then there would be nobody for her to vent to at all, since I'm the only 'child' and her entire family is deceased. Sigh. So I plug along and do whatever I have to do for her, in spite of all the accusations hurled at me, all the nonsense, and all the threats of her 'killing herself' and on and on. She lives in a Memory Care ALF 4 miles away, thank God, but there is still a lot for us children to handle for them, that's for sure.

Make sure to take time for YOU in all the madness, and turn your phone off when necessary. I know my mother loves to blow my phone up and call and call and CALL, especially during dinner, so I put it on silent these days so I can at least eat in peace. As the dementia progresses, things get worse and worse, unfortunately. One day at a time, right? Wishing you the best of luck with a difficult situation.
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