I spent 2 long days with Mother this week-taking her to visit her newest Great grandchild and then today, cleaning and doing some long needed purging of TONS of paperwork. One of the things I found was the intake papers for HIP SURGERY! I said "Oh this is old, you weren't approved for this, so we can toss it". She said, "Oh, no, I am having my other hip replacement soon". My jaw hit the floor. THIS just went down in May and she was NOT approved for it, to my best knowledge. Her overall health is very poor. I asked her, as kindly as I could, "Mom, we went through this a few months ago, I was told your primary doc would not approve it. I KNOW I was told this". She said, "No, I decided on my own not to have it, but I am in such unbearable pain, I am going ahead". So I filed the papers and finished working--came home and called brother with whom she lives. (HE was the one who told me she wasn't approved) He said "She didn't do it b/c "S" (the youngest daughter) went behind her back and talked to the drs and made such a stink she decided to put it off and not tell her she was still going to do it later". This is the sister who wanted to have her declared incompetent. I told my brother that I did NOT appreciate being kept in the dark and looking a fool when she told me she wasn't going to have surgery. He didn't reply. I said "IF she is in such incredible pain, why is she taking one Tylenol every 8 hrs? Why is she going out 3-4 times a week? Why didn't she say anything to me?" I did tell her that the first hip surgery took her from using a cane to being totally dependent on a walker. I asked if she knew that a 2nd surgery may very well wind up with her wheelchair bound for life? She's fine with that, and she said her place was wheelchair friendly. (It's not). She's a grown woman, she can have the surgery if it means that much to her. Brother said he hasn't got the energy to fight her on it. I did promised not to say anything to other sibs--as they have proven over and over they really do not care.
I'm mad at my brother for his dishonesty and kind of mad at the dr who will actually do this surgery, but my mom isn't incompetent and she can have surgeries all she wants (I'm sure I mentioned she hasn't gone a year of her adult life without some kind of major surgery) and she will, too. She is super weak--to get her up and standing at the walker is a right tough job. I'm just going to be supportive of her choice and start looking for nice NH's in the area, as much as my brother thinks that he and I can care for her in her teeny apartment in a wheelchair--that's just not possible. I cannot get my sibs to meet to talk about mom's financials, I can't even get them to return phone calls. Guess I am not asking for any advice, really, just so frustrated by siblings who lie and withhold and a mother who lets me know that I am not the one she wished had visited her. (She said today "Oh, I saw that look in your eye. You want to throw out all my things, I've never met anyone who likes to throw away things more than you do) Yep, she caught me. But honestly, what 85 yo woman needs 123 notepads? Or well over a thousand return address labels? I totally respected her desires and only one small bag went into the trash. But now her kitchen table is clean and organized. And now I know she's gonna sneaky pete her way into surgery. (Sigh)