advice needed. My mother moved out of state about 40 years ago. She has no official diagnosis, but she most likely has dementia based on her behavior. She has refused to go to the doctor.So earlier this year, I had her convinced to come live with me for a while until she could find her own place where I live. Two months before I was supposed to go out and get her and move her back here she decided she did not want to move or live with me . Of course she’s getting worse and her neighbors are getting tired of dealing with her.
I no longer have the resources or the time left at work or help to go move her back. I also get a lot of anxiety when I think about bringing her back to my house and becoming her caregiver. I do work full-time and so does my husband. ( Backstory she left when I was five and did not raise me and then she moved out of state when I was in my early 20s.)
Of course I do not want anything to happen to her, but I really don’t know what to do. I am not really able to offer much assistance being 1300 miles away. She does live in a senior apartment complex and I did speak with the social director there. She did say if someone has medical issues and needs further assistance they eventually get senior services involved.
I did think about just flying out there for a weekend and just getting some personal things and bringing her back but what if she flat out refuses. And if she does come, then I still have to figure out a way to clean her apartment out and deal with all of that.
Does a blood connection make someone responsible for an elderly person who needs care? I don't see how. I've had numerous great-aunts and uncles who lived in a faraway state, and I've never met them. Should I expect a phone call from APS asked me to go there and take care of Auntie Lucile? I think not. How could I be charged with neglect for not doing so? We're related, but distantly.
If my neighbor has dementia and I've taken her a few casseroles, will APS call me after she falls and gets a brain bleed? Will they want me to assume responsibility as her caregiver and MPOA? I think not. Could I be charged with neglect? I barely know the woman.
Elderly people need to make their own arrangements for themselves before they are elderly. If they start trying to rope people into their net, I'm not it, even if Auntie Lucile promises me her mansion in Miami Beach. It's her problem, and I've taken care of too many elders already. APS would get a lot of flack from me!
Do not have Mom live with you .
I’d honestly wash your hands of this. Let the state and the senior complex deal with her stuff. I’m sure they have encountered this before.
That said - I totally understand the fear you have. It's a hard thing to overcome. People will tell you that those fears are baseless and to put them out of your mind, but that's easier said than done, IMO. The best way to combat your fears is through information, and I don't mean from some random google searches where you get AI info that ***might***be accurate - but, then again, might not be.
If for no other reason than to set your mind at ease, contact a criminal defense lawyer and ask him/her what the laws concerning neglect are and if your actions come anywhere near that legal threshold. It will be worth the relatively small amount of money it might cost you to rid yourself of those fears. Then you can make a rational decision from a place of confidence rather than being afraid all of the time.
First and foremost - this woman is ***not*** your mother. While you may share DNA, she did not raise you, care for you, or worry about you. She left you when you were 5, and then double-downed and moved over a thousand miles away. from you. It takes so much more than merely giving birth to a human to be a mother.
In your own words - you are married, work full time, don't have the time to take off, have anxiety about the thought of her moving in with you and you becoming a caregiver. Most importantly, you say you don't WANT TO BE her caregiver, and THAT'S OK! Listen to that feeling!! Trust that gut instinct!!
She's already in a senior facility that have stated they will intervene should it be necessary. Really, quite frankly, probably the best thing this woman ever did for you was to refuse to come back and live with you. I sincerely think you dodged a bullet!
I can totally understand your thoughts here...this is your mother, and every part of society tells us, either by words or implications, that we are supposed to "take care" of our mothers when they become elderly. But children do not intrinsically "owe" their parents anything; parents choose to have children, and then it is incumbent on THEM to provide, not vice versa. And since your mom really didn't live up to her end of that bargain when you were a child, this is doubly true for you that you don't owe it to her to figure out her care needs.
You have already been told that the facility she is in will intervene should she need medical or living assistance. I think you should wait until such a time that they call you to tell you she has reached that point and then let THEM run point on where "mom" ends up. I can guarantee you they will have far more resources available to them to help negotiate a landing place for her than you will have, especially if you allow her to come and live with you. Once that happens, you will become her de facto caregiver, whether you want to be or not, and it will be next to impossible to convince anyone otherwise once they find out you both share a residence. And they won't care how much she disrupts your life, your marriage, your career, etc.
I'm sorry to have to be so blunt, but this is really the time you have to stand firm, allow the thoughts of "you're selfish" roll off your shoulders and leave things as they are.
(((hugs)))
You owe biomom nothing! Leave her to APS where she lives and buh-bye.
You cannot force a resistant adult to do something against their will. She did you a huge favor by refusing to move in with you. Give all her neighbors the number for APS. Don't apologize to them since you didn't cause this problem and you can't fix it. Don't feel guilty at all -- she was never there for you and you are being a kind person by helping her even this much. Without being her PoA you have no power to help her beyond calling APS anyway.
The courts will eventually assign her a legal guardian who will make decisions in her best interests. They will get her into a facility and manage all her care and make all healthcare and medical decisions for her, and Medicaid plus her SSI will pay for it all. She has a solution, so other than calling APS stay out of it so they can do their work.