Helping mom all we can, and it's not enough.


She lives with me and my husband, she's been here about a month and a half. Our whole lives have been dramatically changed. Our lives revolve around caring for her. She has so many illnesses and doctor appointments, and with her being on oxygen 24/7 it is hard getting her out of the house. She can walk, but has a crooked leg and gets short of breath just from the little bit of walking she does around the house. We spend most of the day in the living room with her, and it is so hard. She has a lot of self pity, and is moody, and obsesses over her medicine and her nose, yes, her nose which I mentioned before has a deviated septum. She has copd too but thinks all her breathing problems stem from her nasal problems. We took her to an ENT doctor today and I was shocked to hear from him that her whole septum is gone, it is literally just a big whole there. This happened partly from sinus and allergy problems most of her life but also partly from her constant use of medicated nose sprays for the past 40-50 yrs. Now she only uses the saline sprays. On top of those two conditions she has a-fib, diabetes, and congestive heart failure. Is almost deaf, and bad vision, plus she has depression, (off and on her whole life) and anxiety. Jim & I are doing the best we can to care for her and include her in our lives. I love her, but she is so hard to live with! I am so stressed much of the time because her fingers are in her nose all the time, then she is touching everything in the house. Plus she told us about a week ago that she is so lonely, her way of saying we don't pay enough attention to her. I'm frustrated because we are giving and giving, and it's not enough. The stress is mounting and we are trying our best. I got her some large print books at the library and that gives her something to do, she has a lrg screen tv in her room, but mostly wants to be in the living room talking. i told her were doing all we can, but I cannot just sit with her, not as much as she expects. I'm exhausted every day and find myself feeling angry and resentful at times, my hubby does too. We being smothered. Why do they become so selfish and self centered when they get older? How can we go on like this indefinitely? We have barely started and are feeling burned-out. She hates and is afraid of nursing homes since she worked in one about 40 yrs ago. To her that would be dishonoring her, and unloving.

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Well we tried talking to her last night. It didn't go over too well. She's very perceptive and noticed I was dragging and not talking much. I was tired and was trying to make dinner, she kept asking me if I was ok... yea mom I'm just tired. I had done the usual cleaning of the toilet for about the 5th time, she somehow manages to get pee on the seat a lot, and I was mad because I have asked her nicely over and over and to not fill her drinks so full because she spills coke and tea all the time, leaving a sticky trail from the kitchen to her chair in the living room, (she just says she is trying not to, but she is not trying at all) and to please keep her hands clean, Their always in her nose, anyway I did tell her she was smothering me, and she said she's darn sure not going to keep living with someone who says she smothering her. Her sisters have told her she can go back to them anytime, if it doesn't work out, but they are not capable of properly caring for her She hated living with one of them, and the other one who is a clean and picky type told her she can go to the nice assisted living facility and she will visit her every day. I know she will wind up in 1 of about 3 NHs in that area, she will hate it, and eventually call us crying to come get her again. Their not very nice ones.. This is a 1300 mile trip. My husband's had it with her self centered and childish ways, so I will need to tell her, mom if you go, this will be the last time. I'm so drained and wish there was an easier answer. She is a constant handful. I don't want to live this way and have asked her to consider a ALF in our town, and she says no, but she will do it far away where I will not be able to be involved with her daily care. I just can't believe this is how my relationship with her is going to end. She won't even talk to us. I think her sisters are going to be showing up one day soon to rescue her from her mean and uncaring daughter and son-in-law!

There are some people that will never be satisfied no matter what you do. Been there, done that, with my mother and never again. I have shed too many tears trying to help her only to hear her constant complaints. I have limited my time to once a month from weekly visits previously. Now my sister has taken on the joy of seeing and helping our mother more. I pray my sister does not go through what I went through. Mother is not happy with my boundaries, but then that is to bad, I could care less. When the time comes I will make sure her care is attended to, but not from me. It may sound cruel, but I can't allow my mother to literally suck the emotional life out of me.

Who really"wants" to go in a NH? But you have no choice. You have to take care of yourself..There's no law that says you have to suffer more than your parents..Do you really want to continue exhausting yourself every day.. Go look at some Nh near you, maybe that will make you feel better..Just think she'll have activities to do and you can get your life back.