How do I help my homeless mother?

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I am 32 years old and getting married in 4 weeks. My mother recently told me that she was kicked out of her apartment in another state and has no where to go. She has many medical issues that go untreated because she spends what little money she can come up with on frivolous things. She has been on unemployment for years. She has sold off all of her belongings and expects me to offer her to live in my one bedroom house with my future husband and our 3 pets. We can't even stand her visiting for more that a few days, let alone move in. We are at each others throats when she is here because of all the lies she tells and forces us into. We are planning a wedding and trying to cope with recovering from the hurricane which has left my fiancee out of work. How do I help her without ruining my wedding or relationship, or how do I tell her how I feel without it coming between us? I cry myself to sleep every night over who comes first..my mom or my future husband.

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hi there is anyway if some one can help me out with the situation that I am facing.
my mother is disabled with no income and I am the only one who helps her for everything. I pay rent bills and for food for both of us. but I just got married and my husband wants me to stay with him in his apartment which is totally understandable but I am scare if I leave my mother alone who will pay rent and bills and there is no one who can take care of her. eventually I have to leave her and wont be able to help her for long term because I'm pregnant and will get maternity leave soon. so I will not be able to help her financially. there is any government low who can help her out with this situation pay her rent and bills as she is old and disabled. her legal status is permanent residence but she has completed her 5 years in united states and going to get the citizenship soon. please guide
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The person here I feel most sorry for, LoveMa, is the teenage girl. It is difficult to have divorced parents, to be from a "broken home." It is difficult to live with one parent and visit the other. And can you imagine what it would feel like to be told, "Sorry, you can't live with me any more," by your mother? You think it would be bad to push your mother out (and it would). And now you are dealing with a teenager who has been pushed out by her own mother. You should be able to relate to how bad that would feel.

And then this young lady moves in with her dad and is asked to share a 10' x 12' bedroom and a tiny closet with an elderly lady she is not related to and probably doesn't know. What are you thinking?

You now have two bedrooms and a storage room. You need three bedrooms. Make a project out of converting the storage room back into a bedroom. Housing his daughter has to come ahead of your husband having his own closet. I don't know what your yard is like or your climate, but perhaps a small storage shed would be helpful now. I assume your husband was paying child support and that he isn't now. Use that money to make your home welcoming to his daughter.

I understand why you want to keep Mom with you, and I hope that works out. You can't afford a studio apartment for her, but what can she afford? Doesn't she get SS? Have you looked into subsidized housing for her? There is often a waiting list for those apartments, so even if she qualifies and wants that kind of independence she may still be with your for months. It is important to get that storage room turned into a bedroom.

Anyone who marries a person with minor children, no matter what the circumstances are at the time of the marriage, should be prepared to have the children become a part of their household. It doesn't always happen, but it happens often enough to be a factor in the marriage decision.

This is a very difficult situation. But it can be resolved, and all four people can share the house and the love. It should not be either your mother or your stepdaughter. You need a solution that respects the needs of both of these loved ones.
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My situation is a bit different. My mom helps, is loving and does not cause problems between my husband and I. Recently my step daughter (17) moved back in with us because her mom moved to her mother-in law's for economic reasons. We have a 3 tiny bedroom (about 10'x12 rooms) house with 3-4 foot wide closets, so my husband has his clothes in the spare room along with all other things that don't fit in out tiny room. I feel really bad for my mom because I feel we are pushing her out. Before my stepdaughter moved back in, mom was never home because she was taking care of my dying father and before that my sick niece. I felt I now wanted to take care of her, but I feel miserable, I can't make us all fit. I am not a rich person, or else I would get het a studio or something. At first I had asked my stepdaughter to share the room, but she refused. I am so heartbroken.
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Homeless, you are obviously intelligent, educated, and articulate. That you have maintained your job while living in your car -- managed the laundry and hygiene issues and shown up presentable to work each day -- shows you are also resourceful. These are all attributes which should help you work your way out of your present predicament.

As many as 10 million families lost their homes to foreclosure during the housing crisis. Most of those families did not wind up living on the street. The one family I know scrambled when the foreclosure became a sure thing, and wound up moving directly into another house. I have a disabled friend who lives from hand to mouth and has horrible credit, but he has never been without a place to live.

How many places have you applied to rent? 3? 10? 100? It only takes one landlord wiling to rent to you, but it may take a big effort to find that one. Have you been saving money hand over fist while living in your car? Could you offer to pay several months rent in advance?

There are firms that help people with poor credit find apartments. There are many articles on the internet about ways to increase your chances. Instead of moaning about the state of family life, get busy and find a place to live.

When your adult children were living with you, were they paying rent? Wasn't that enough to avoid foreclosure? Perhaps, in hindsight, "doing and doing and doing" for one's children is not always the best way to raise them. As for blaming this site or others like it for your daughter's attitudes, do you really think that a few hours of reading the words of strangers can overcome years of upbringing? Who raised your son and daughter to take and not give back (if that is in fact what is happening)? Maybe some setting some boundaries would have been a good thing for you to do.

I hear you being very judgmental of your daughter. She must apologize before you'll reconcile. (Apologize for what? Not inviting you to live with her? Daring to suggest you need help with your mental health? Living her own life?) I think it would be a huge mistake to try to live together at this point. Get back on your feet financially. Get your affairs in order. And then work on repairing your relationship with your daughter, if that seems worthwhile. In an airplane you are told to put your own oxygen mask on first. I think that applies here, too. Help yourself first.
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Homeless - I see lots of red flags in your comments that would cause me to run if I were your daughter and I'm not trying to be mean. If you have poor credit and can't get a place to live - but have a job and money - look in the paper. In my early years I rented a room in a house - as long as I paid a deposit - credit was not so much an issue. Or work through your church, if you belong to one. You seem to think that your daughter is obligated to take you in. Obviously there are reasons she does not want to and you need to honor that. Good luck.

You also blame this site for your poor relationship with your daughter. It sounds like you are not looking at what behaviors might be driving your daughter away. This website HAS given people perspective. It has helped me set boundaries with my mom - who will steam roll right over me and guilt me about what a daughter "owes" her. She feels that I owe her over my husband and son. My mom never acknowledges that any of her behaviors could be driving us away - it is always someone else's fault. I see much of that in your responses.
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Homeless, the examples you cite refer to one parent or grandparent. But for many of us, there are two or three parents in their 80's and 90's to care for. Our children have their own families, our daughters have full time jobs and they live in their own homes. Unlike years past, there's no large extended family to do care as a team....just one or two tired seniors paddling fast.

There's no Waltons happy ending with a couple of seniors with their own age related issues doing 24/7 hands on care for two or three elderly parents. Boundaries are necessary in some families to achieve a modicum of balance between our own responsibilities and those we take on to aid our parents.
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HomelessMother, what happened to families? Many times in order to find employment and to succeed, one had to move to another location away from families. And to keep climbing the corporate ladder, that means another move to another city. My Dad did that, so did my husband.

Also within the past decade or so, women are now in the workforce, thus no one is home to take care of an elder, unless one resigns from their career. Or pay for outside help. And not everyone is cut out to be a caregiver, I wasn't so I concentrated on the logistical side of caregiving which in itself was overwhelming.

Plus our elders are living longer. During the time of the Walton's, someone in their 50's and 60's would had been considered very elderly, and modern science wasn't available, so more heart attacks, cancers, etc.

Now a days elders live into their 90's and 100's. My own parents were 95 and 98. I had to set boundaries, as my parents still viewed me as being in my 30's with a lot of energy, not someone in their 60's with my own age decline issues and major health issues. Without boundaries my parents would have outlived me.
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Homeless Mother, sometimes apartment rentals or private room rentals, if someone has poor credit, the landlord might accept the person with a double security deposit. I did that with one couple who had filed with bankruptcy, they rented a house from me, as both had good jobs. It worked out well.

Put aside the grown children for now as they are adults. You need to look out for yourself at this point in time.
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You talk about boundaries. What ever happened to family? What ever happened to multiple generations living together in one house, grandparents, their children, grandchildren. I do genealogy. That was the way that people used to do things. Some still do. I have a co-worker who moved with her whole family to a bigger house so that her parents could move in with them. Another co-worker moved back home with her mother because they were both having trouble with money. I have a cousin in Switzerland. Her grandmother's house burnt down. The grandmother moved in with my cousin and her sister. My cousin even gave her grandmother her room because it was on the first floor. Boundaries are not good for families. They separate people. But I guess that's an old-fashioned way to think of things.
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