5 yrs ago, father-in-law started falling alot and getting ill His wife left him and filed for divorce after 40 yrs. my husband is a only child. after the divorce, he fell and broke his hip. He moved in with us for two years in our home. However, our home was also owned by him. After getting better he went back to his own home. after a few months he fell again and laid on the floor for 3 days. At that point Dr. said he needed 24/7 care. We talked to him asked what he wanted to do. he informed us he wanted to stay in his home. So we left our house of 16 yrs and move our family in. Now all the sudden he wont take his Meds. He is getting mean. He was beating my husband with his walker the other day. We cant get any help. cause he has to many assets. He owns three properties. He is not taking care of the bills. He will not let us help. We have medical POA, and a living will only. And three properties we are trying to take care of. However, Father-in-law has always been a control freak and has always taken care of everything. Now that it is becoming clear, he is not able to continue to care for things he will not give husband POA to do so..Bills are falling behind. Father- in law cant write out his bills because of the parkinsons, Bmv took his lisc. away a few months ago. He will ask my husband to write out his bills and then gets mad at the amounts of the checks. Then starts taking it out on everyone in the house. He wont go back to the Dr. cause he took his drivers lisc away. We cant keep living this way...We hav no authority to do any thing. Help !!!
As unfortunate and heart-breaking as this scenario is, I would strongly urge the woman to seek divorce so that she is not let in financial ruin. 40 years of marriage (or any length of faithful marriage) warrants she be taken care of after the husband dies. Period.
You say you can't get help because your fil has assets. That just means that in general people are expected to pay for their own services if they have income/asset levels that make that possible.
I don't know whether your controlling fil has always been "mean" (the fact that his wife left him raises questions) or if his behavior is the result of his dementia. I tend to be more sympathetic if the dementia has done this to him, but in either case you need not tolerate abuse. Juggling what he wants, what is actually best for him, and your own needs as a couple must be very challenging indeed.
Please let us know how you are doing.
My mom has Lewy Body Disease which is a type of dementia often associated with Parkinson's so I know of what you speak. Although she is more of the martyr rather than control freak. Her dementia tends to have the pattern of all seems fine and then she has an episode in which she get super mean, very paranoid and see's animals - it's all real to her. Luckily she did DPOA & MPOA in 2000 before it set in. I'm the only child and independent of her so in that way for me it was easier than what you all will be facing since you live in "his" home.
IMHO the route to go is to get guardianship or conservatorship. What it's called depends on the state. It's sticky - you need to get an elder care attorney to do it for you as you will need to go in front of a judge to do this and to represent your interest. If you don't have your s*** together you could find dad get's a court appointed guardian, you absolutely don't want that.
What you can do is get the things needed so that you/your attorney can show dad's incapacity....lack of cognitive ability, decline in health. Letter from his MD's. Keep a log of his behavior especially when he is abusive.
For example, if he's refusing to pay bills, the statements that show late fees or letters from collection agencies. You need to have a list of all his assets and the expenses related to it. This is so the judge will sign off that you get $XYZ a month as guardian. You want to make sure it's enough as you DON"T want to have to go to the court often as it costs attorney's fees but also shows that you might not be capable of being guardian.
If you don't have money because dad controls all, that shouldn't be an issue as he has an estate with assets so there will be money eventually. Elder care attorney's totally get this part. Please don't go to just any attorney - you really need someone with elder care experience and certification if possible.
It sounds like he has alot of assets that have paperwork - property taxes, insruance, utiltites, maintenance, etc. You need to really do a 3 yr on all of these to figure out what his true worth is and the expenses. Also factor in the cost of his going into a long term care facility or 24/7 care at the home for expenses.
Question - what is your hubby's relationship with mom? Why the divorce after 40 years? Is there anything in the depositions with the divorce that show's that
he is abusive, unfit...whatever. You could use this in the court hearing too.
Now "mom" could also petition the court to be appointed guardian or conservator too. So think if that would ever happen & if so you all want to be a united front.
Are there any favorite nephews out there?
I bring this up as it's just amazing what happens when family smells money. Years ago I was names executrix for a "aunt"(actually a 3rd cousin with no kids) - I had no idea, we were not close, my mom & dad were not especially close to her either. Her estate was a spiderweb - closets with shoeboxes with "paperwork". She had what seemed to be alot of assets (not really) as she had multiple marriages and land from each one and for even more FUN didn't close out probate from when the DH's died. It took about two years to go thru everything and enter it on Quicken
so that we had a valid comprehensive history of her estate. On retrospec I realized why she picked me as I'm pretty OCD & in her view "married well" and when I accompanied my mom to her house, I would spend the time reading Agatha Christie and Margery Allinghan. Unknown to me, she was a huge mystery reader too. But I digress, my point is you need to look for everything financial as his care will get very expensive and you want to be able to do a transparent review of all his finances just in case extended family challenges you.
I still have cousins who are mad about "aunt" probate. Good luck.