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cmagnum, I hope I did not come across as preachy. I was raised in an unbending home where, in my opinion, bible verses were used as ammunition for whatever my parents wanted. I still believe, however my own version of religion is more about love, kindness and if I ever get there......forgiveness. I have been on my own healing journey...and with the help of my family and playing on this board, have come a long way in the last 6 months.

I was one guilty of neglecting my own marriage and children in order to make my parents first. It is my life's biggest REGRET. Yes, I owe a lot to my parents, but having been under their thumb for 50 years is just too stinking long. I am luckier than most. I still have a husband, a rickety marriage, a home and some of my marbles. BALANCE should be the goal. Why can't we have it all and do both with out making ourselves crazy doormats.????? Why can't our elders just be EASY going and find ways to entertain themselves without creating all the DRAMA? Why not be satisfied with some attention and not all the attention. Why shame, cuss and bad mouth the very people that are taking care of them.

I must have been very very unobservant as a child, because I never remember any senior citizens that are this mean....must be the all junk food!! haha
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Frankly, Mincemeat, you did not come off as preachy at all!!!!!! Often those of us on the other side are often very impassioned for others to get that too.

I'm likely the preachiest and possibly the bluntest person here. When, I catch myself, I tone it down some Sometimes the situation is so openly raw that I just jump in with both feet like I'm in the ER room doing triage for someone severely hurt.

My grandmother told my mother that it was time for her to leave her husband, my step-dad, and come take care of her and she was not kidding.

I agree that it is terrible how the Bible is used so gracelessly to clobber children. My SIL remains in bondage to that despite being in therapy which she had quit. I almost hate to ask this question, but I do wonder if Bible clobbering does not happened in more fundamentalist homes or is it just dependent on how sick the parent's personality is. Many of them seem to be very deep into a very narrow family power structure that seems to be based in more fear than grace, love and faith. Likely the more fundamentalist the group if they are even in a church, the more narrow the structure might be while other boundaries might get blurred.

Now, I've gotten preachy. This is sort of my hobby horse around here. Sometimes, I have to back off from the site as as whole.

Thankfully, not all of the elderly at this way, but we do hear mainly about the ones who are on this site. Often these are generational things like now my MIL is talking very openly about her mother without realizing she's telling us that she did the same thing to her daughters that her mom did to her. Someone has to risk breaking the chain. I have an idea where my mom's issues came from for her sister is exactly the same way and she's a whole story full of dysfunctional drama herself.
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You hit it when you said it is more about fear (control) than grace. We all need and deserve all the grace our world can offer!
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The people who tend to offer us and others the most grace have often experienced a lot of grace themselves in various ways.

Take care!
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i cannot add wisdom ... my life echoes yours, past and present. i'm indebted to each of you above for sharing your caring, guiding words. Thank you. i have the Serenity Prayer laminated for use in the car, one on a magnet on the fridge and another tucked onto my mirror. i learn something new with each reading .. perhaps because i'm seeing it through new 'slings and arrows', tears and such.

The Serenity Prayer

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.

--Reinhold Niebuhr
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thank you!!!
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Just venting! Asked my mother to go out for her birthday and she said she wanted nothing to do with me. Broke my heart and my children , 21 and 25 saw the hurt I felt and refused to call my mother to connect and my mother and sister are accusing me of being a terrible person for keeping my children from them...... It has been over a month since I connected with my mother and I just don't know what to do. Do I call her? Or do I settle in as an orphan?Love hearing from all of you........
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You are not a terrible person and you are not keeping your children from them! Your children are adults and responsible for their own choices. Your mother and sister are also adults responsible for their choices.

These are the games narcissists play. They behave badly then blame others for what happens.

Personally I would not call her. I think it sends her the message that her behaviour is OK, which it isn't. Why not enjoy the break from the dysfunction?They need you more than you need them. They will not let you get away that easily. I expect one of them will contact you eventually, then you can respond on your terms not theirs and set some boundaries. Whatever you did in the past is in the past and is not the cause of your mother and sister's behaviour. They will never be the family you want and need. Lean on those who love and value you. Learn to detach from them and their hurtfulness. (((((((hugs)))))))
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Cheserasera,

I am having the same problem with my daughter. She controls me because I love her and my grandchildren so much.

Just this past week she completely ignored all of my calls and texts. She knew that I wanted to see my grandchildren. So, I stopped. I let it go. And I immediately felt much, much better. There is loss and pain BUT letting go gives you self-respect and freedom. At t his stage of the game, I want self-respect and freedom.

When I was a kid I read a story, presumably true: in India they have a monkey trap, a gourd with a tiny hole attached to a chain. the monkey can slide his hand in and grab a fist full of rice but cannot get his balled-up fist out. So, unless he is willing to give up the rice, he is trapped.

There you have it. Let go or be trapped.

I have said it before: you are all grown up with a husband, home and children of your own. Focus on them, love them, let go, and get over it.
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BTW, you are not an orphan!! You have your own wonderful family. Pull up your big girl pants and get out there and have some fun!
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Such a shame family is like this. If this is an on going thing then I agree, step back. If not, then maybe I would ask why she said what she did. If u can't do it maybe one of ur kids can. My daughter is more upfront than I am. Have one call and explain to her grandmother that they didn't call her because of how they treated you not because you told them not to. Explain that they r adults and make their own decisions. And, as long as she keeps treating you the way she and her sister treat you, they will not be hearing from them. If they care, make get thru to them, if not, that is their choice. I have two guest rooms I think nicely done. My brother chooses to stay at my Moms house which is literally falling apart. My SIL asked him what he is going to do once the house sells, never come home again. He said maybe. He lived seven hours away. For me, not too bad after driving 16Hrs for two days. My other brother is doing his own thing so haven't heard from him. I love them both but I'm not going out of my way anymore. They know where I live. Once I've done what I can or Mom, that will be it. Family and friends who care.
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JoAnn29,

Thanks for that.

I agree. Do what you can and then move on to the people who appreciate you.
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Just to let u know it took me years to get to this point. I was the goody two shoes that went along with everyone. I was the good daughter. Alway there when parents needed me. Went out of my way for people. I didn't and don't expect anything in return but the few times I have asked, there's a reason they can't. Give you an example. I have a GF who flys home 2x a year since her kids r grown. Since no one in the family will drive to the airport, we do it for her. Now this may sound picky but I asked her to show me a crochet stitch she had been doing. Since I crochet, would have only taken not 5 min. She said she was too tired. This is only one out of a few things. Yes, I get upset but I needed to let it go. This last visit was nice I think because I didn't expect anything. Just enjoyed the time we were together.
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Is this a family you really want to be a part of? People who bring up past hurts that are decades old and have never been important enough to discuss before.... are just plain abusive.
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cheserasera24 - we understand, as sadly, many of us are in the same boat. So let'a grab an oar and hop on in. i finally figured out that my sisters' barbs and extreme, mean-spirited negativity was _on purpose_! The only way to get away from the pain, or feeding the angst, is to forgive. They are very happy in their isolated worlds, rumormongering and delighting in inventing or conjuring up lies or bending truths to suit their purpose. Care to "get even?" Be as nice and STRONG as you can - whether it's over the phone or in person. Weep, or acknowledge the slurs and barbs in quietude - don't let then see nor know that they've hurt you. They will know that it works -- that their behavior is causing you pain. Ask your husband to not have direct conversations with them, unless you are on the phone at the same time. How messy and inconsiderate they are, to try to pit him against you! They have no business trying to mess around with your marriage, nor your husband's time/emotions. If/when they call, all he needs to do is say "let me get 'cheserasera' on the line .. just a minute please - and have him call you to be on the extension or "on speakerpone" if it's a cell phone - have a "conference call." You and your husband need to be a united front in the face of this malice. Be as kind as you can, even though you'd rather throw something [other than words]. But please don;'t let them goad you into anger, ok? Cry or pray in the quiet of your home. If you find yourself around them, be as nice as you can - even humming quietly to yourself. Don't surrender your self esteem. Believe in yourself. i am very sorry this is happening ... Sallisburys comment is awfully cute -- you DO have a wonderful family of your own ... enjoy sharing time with them. If you wish, you can mail your Mom a card [cute, funny or 'thinking of you' variety - not the sentimental/sappy type. They need to know [by your positive happy persona and/or actions] that their attempts to sabbotage you are not going to work. And please -- you have apologized enough. We ALL have made mistakes, and sadly not everyone is kind-hearted enough to accept apologies: you have tried - the rest is up to them, and for some reason, there are people who like to carrey grudges. It's a damaging, mean, and a self-defeating activity, imho. Blessings and strength ~~ have a pocketful of hope and faith - they are so very valuable! Cyber hugs ~
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omg thank you soooooooooooooooooooooooooo much. It helps more than you know and i save these comments to go back too when I am starting to feel the pain. Again , thank you !!!!
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