Many of you know my story so no sense in explaining again...but a brief run down for those who dont ...
If it wasnt so dysfunctional with gpa,if MY 2 kids didnt have mental health issues, ( which gpa says they are just arses and demands my severe anxiety daughter goes down to chat when it takes her a lot just to leave the house or he will be here and my house is NOT wheel chair friendly and she will still not come out of her room!!) if I wasnt single, (if I could have help with gpa and kids while caring for either if married) if my dad wasnt getting worse, if the put downs werent there, if it didnt turn into 8 plus hours a day, if my health wasnt getting worse, if I didnt have to work, If I didnt need sleep, If If If I was like my super hereo neighbors with their perfect lives to easily help others esp gpa!!
So Im getting forced back into hours by hours more and more caring for him, yet neighbors say as long as he eats hes fine. But ya see, I didn't mind caring a few hrs a day for him because of my situation couldn't do anymore but went up to 18hrs back to 12, 10, 8 then few hours, then once in a while back to fixing daily but sending dad to hand dinner. It varied. Now it always adds hr by hr soon to be appts ..but really theres no way for those. etc ..
My kids always came first and will STILL, but what do I do? Hes cleared ok still to live on his own but I feel he needs more care and I cant do it!!! But looks like I have to.. yes I thought about it again.. but let me give you an example. Yesterday he got mad I didnt get some paper towels and bring them to my house that HE was the one who needed it when the neighbor took him to the store! Blames it on me saying I asked for it!! I asked for nothing!!! Then in the same conversation he says" what did you do to my light it darker" I didnt touch his lights and he got mad and said" you cant ever take the blame for something you do"!!!!! I didnt do it!!!!!!!!!This morning looked at his house no ladys car in drive, called her , she said he told her not to come he doesnt need her!!!!!!!!!! What!!!!!! I had to go and fix pills and breakfast and told him it was there and he in a mad voice" you didnt put my clothes on the bed where is put it there"!!!! Me? Me? That girl was there yesterday,another girl Sat and Sunday morning why didnt THEY put it? Thats part of their job has been for many years!!! ( gpa is blind and fall risk) He has the money to pay them. Im blamed for 90% of everything and do that much wrong, food is crap according to him, heat tv dinners up wrong, clean wrong, talk wrong, mail wrong, laundry wrong, bulbs wrong, appts wrong, etc. If I was like.. If my kids were like... all he does financially for me and if I was more grateful..!!!! Oh, .I get the rare compliments. I bathed him and helped him dress, where were his other family? Once in while when Aunt was down helped yes, but they are no longer speaking!! He accused her of everything to, she got mad he wont hire help, so they fought and thats that!
Anyway.. now what? I don't mind helping and he does help financially, even if no help financially Id help but I just cant help all these hours. Even when son actually goes to school, I need a job, I have daughter homeschooled, I am sick... What do I do? I am grateful, I want to help but Im so over booked, understaffed, under health.. pulled in every direction.. either way someone says Im neglecting one or the other, yes my kids come first always have and will.... I cant even keep my mouth shut anymore and Im not that type of person!!! Ok, yes I complain all the time, but I try not to -to others non forum, I try to be happy go lucky smiley sweet loving, hurt no one etc... but this sweet little girl who neighbors think Im not so sweet anyways is about to errupt!!!On them and gppa!!! Tell them what I really think!!! And when I nicely explained my situation is a ya right nose in the air dont wanna hear your so called excuses!!!!
Sorry everyone needed to vent and seek your help again!!! Everyone in the dysfunctional group needs a break from me!!!!!!!!!!!! Sorry group!!! Hugs and lots of love and you all have been great here and that thread!!!!!!!Just need support advice, reassurance idk!!! Blahhh
You right, Im glad I posted because there are others on here who have or havent posted or even on other sites who are in the same dilemma, some get things smooth, some never leave, but I will /am getting things smoothed over and have left! Im ok and IF i need therapy I will get it, first thing is first, I have to work on me , these things take time. If Im still struggling I PROMISE I will get therapy! ( quickly)Besides, I will be in family therapy with son for sons issues, so this will help. Plus I already talk to someone about this.. ok not a licensed therapist but yikes hes a lot like you all! He has really helped me out , like u all,and been caring as he also has issues of his own( health wise)
Thanks again everyone, next time, I am not going to jump the gun on thinking of doing something crazy like going backwards! Im slowly getting there... Thats why I come here , to get support!!! ( face to face is good too -therapy I agree and know its available)
I know deep down going back isnt going to help anything, after reading my vent over and over, I know Im not going to go back. Just had a weak 24 hr hr of thought! No, I know I came this far. I shouldnt of posted this, I just felt like I was going to slip in( just got done talking with some one on the phone that told me to just clear my head and they knew I was just upset what happened... that it was just my old thoughts and guilt, but said the same thing.. are you going back or are you strong enough to keep going forward, I know your strong enough and not going back, your just venting!!) Ok, yikes hes right! Im breathing again!
Ok thank you both!!! Im ok, NOT going back !!! Being in a type of bind I been in hasnt helped, no job, bad health, but am scheduling drs and looking again for a job! Out of town would be nice!!! Even a temp job! We all have our week moments or thoughts, that was just that, Im human!