All of us here are having to make extremely difficult decisions about how and when to take care of our aging loved ones no matter if we have a great or horrible relationship with them.
Many of us suffer with emotion guilt of putting our loved one in Assisted Living or Nursing Homes. I just read this one sentence below from an article and it was so powerful I wanted to share with everyone in hopes it may help.
“Your HEART will need some time to catch up with what you know in your HEAD is the right thing to do”.
…and to be honest you can reverse it and say “Your HEAD will need some time to catch up with what you know in your HEART is the right thing to do”.
Read both of these sentences as many times as you need, write it down and put it on your mirror, take a screen grab of it and pull it up on your phone when needed, burn it in your brain and when doubt creeps in bring it to the forefront of your thoughts.
We have got to give our heart and head time to adjust with each other. Seems like head and heart decisions love to fight with each other but if we try to keep it simple (which is not easy) and realize we are doing the best we can, 99% of the time we HAVE made the RIGHT decision for the safety of our loved one and our own sanity!
Love to everyone!
Do we chose what keeps them safe? Do we chose what will make them happy?
It is often impossible do to both, especially if your loved on has dementia and has latched onto a single person, expected to provide 24/7 care.
I struggle with guilt, as illogical as it is. Yes, a form of grief.
Role play. You have just learned that in 10, 20, 30 years, whatever, you will have dementia such that you burn out your loved ones. Your demands and unbearable nature will overwhelm their fond memories of you. The time they devote to you will cut into their education and careers such that their retirement is jeopardized. The stress will erode their health. Their relationships will suffer.
I can’t imagine imposing this upon my children and I have told them that. Hire care, no matter how much I protest that I only want you. Put me in a home. Recognize that I need it and just do it. I would hate to die, having put my children and possibly grandchildren through hell. That would make me feel much worse than how I felt admitting I couldn’t handle caregiving for my own mother any longer, and placing her in a home. (where she gets very good care)
I like your description of the battle that goes on between the heart and the head. It’s quite accurate for many people.
This is why therapists have a job! They can help teach people to view their circumstances from a healthier perspective.
Balancing our emotions can be challenging. Again, it never hurts to ask for objective opinions if we feel that we are too close to the situation to make a logical decision on what is best for everyone.
The "head" can know, but that doesn't stop the grief of the heart, and it never can. It is important that the grief not be turned into the luggage of guilt.