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I am at my wits end now. I have tried to do everything to keep my ridiculously impossible father with COPD and dementia happy and honor his wishes to not put him in a home, but he's more and more demanding and I don't know what to do,

He was hospitalized over the weekend with Pneumonia (again) and since then he's been IMPOSSIBLY clingy. Be mindful, this guy is the most despicable man on the planet and I'm one of the few of his family that puts up with his crap...yet I digress.

I spent all weekend by his bedside... sleeping on the FLOOR and holding his hand. I even sacrificed Monday and Tuesday nights to stay with him only to get about 6 hours sleep total because HE WON'T SLEEP!!!! Finally, much to Daddy's dismay, my BF stayed with him and sent me home to get some sleep. BF told me he had to unplug phone to keep Daddy from calling me.

So, here's the deal. Daddy is in an IL facility and goes to Adult Day care during the day. I have a caregiver to come in mornings and evenings to prepare meals and provide companionship, etc. It's EXPENSIVE... around 5,500 a month.... now Daddy says he wants someone with him at night because he gets lonely... that's code for he wants ME to do it...

(Whining) I DON'T WANT TO!!!!!! When did it become my responsibility to give up my whole life to take care of a miserable old grump that drives me completely bananas?

I think full AL is the only economical answer. Overnight care is ridiculously costly and I've already lost my job due to my lack of performance since this all started...

This is terrible to say, but sometimes I wish God would just take him...

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The thing is... we HAD him in a ALF and he NEVER attended the activities. Instead, he insisted on going to an Adult Day Care Center during the day and hole up in his room in the evenings and weekends.

It was ludicrous to keep paying for both, so I moved him to a much cheaper apartment and get some help with meal prep and getting him to and from the Adult Day Center. He then decides that he doesn't want to be alone at night. I have NO desire to do the overnight thing (he doesn't sleep) so I hired someone to stay with him overnight. He complained about the price.

He doesn't WANT to understand that I don't WANT to be with him all night. I've lost my job, my boyfriend, had to sell my car and my house is now in foreclosure. I'm OVER this...
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I should say that he is in a stage of Parkinson's where he doesn't need 24 hour care. I am dealing with the sense of loss of my own life and inability to make many kinds of future plans.
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What if the person you are caring for is your husband who has changed from a vibrant executive to a needy, housebound person? How do you deal with the guilt of creating the needed separation to keep a balanced life yourself?
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Yes, my mom was the same and demanded 24/7 attention. She is now in AL and she loves it there. She is very happy and they have nurses that watch her etc., and she still can be independent at the same time.
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I agree with FreqFlyer - you don't owe your dad your health and happiness! He's getting exactly what he wants because you're giving it to him. Would you let a 2-year old child get everything he wants too? Sometimes our elderly parents are truly in the mindset of a child and we have to be the adults - doing what's best for everyone (not just the parent) in that situation.

If your dad gets his way and takes you down too, where will he be then? He won't care, because it's still going to be all about him all of the time. You HAVE to protect yourself and your health and your sanity because your dad won't.

If your dad is with others, he won't be so focused on you. ALF is NOT like a dungeon! They're nice places with lots of activities and others to give your dad some new outlets. Investigate them and get him into one, so you can be his daughter and not his nurse, babysitter, around-the-clock carer! You need a break too.
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Tinyblu, practice this phase over and over to yourself "Sorry, I can't possibly do that" so when your Dad ask you to do something you know you just can't, use that phase.

I have read many times on these forum where a grown child will promise not to place a parent into a continuing care facility... of course back then the parent probably was healthy and mobile. Think of it this way, you want the BEST for your Dad, and if that means placing him in assisted living, then do it.

I also had lost an outstanding job that I had for decades because of all the time I had taken off to help my parents, and my parents weren't even under my own roof nor I under theirs. It was all the appointments, grocery shopping, running errands, etc. that made headquarters notice that my position should be eliminated as my work had been distributed to others.
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