Having a hard time compassionately lying to my dad with Alzheimer's.

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I have heard it called "compassionate deception" or "fibbing" when we must avoid telling too much to people with Alzheimer's. My dad is 80, and I am managing all of his finances, taxes, etc. including filing a lawsuit against a company that took advantage of him once he became ill. He really can't do any of this, but he constantly asks me about his files. I know I am doing the right thing, but it is tough dealing with his repeated questions. He used to be the one that understood all this stuff, and now I have to lie to him about what I am doing to try to protect him. I feel really terrible for saying this, but I almost wish he would forget even more and then he might stop worrying.

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You seem very understandably overwhelmed. As holder of the POA, you can resign. Usually, there is a provision about how to appoint someone else to be in charge. You can hire someone to hold the POA. Absent resigning and getting a new POA, why not get a case manager who can run interference but you still have ultimate responsibly for their affairs. You retain control, but someone else can handle the grief.
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Every day is a new day when your parents both suffer from an illness that right now, science can't solve yet.
My Mom was doing just fine with the way she had everything set for the future back in 2004.
Then the prodigal daughter returned, the one who disappointed her the most over the years.
When Mom's Alzheimer's started, my sister convinced Mom I was the terrible one and trying to take everything from her money to her house.
Ffunny thing, no one could find the Durable POA that Mom had signed back in 2004 naming me to take care of everything for her.
Enter sister who convinced her to change things. After 10 yrs living in Mom's house, she up and leaves. Then I am told I need to take care of everything now!!
I needed Mom to place her thumbprint on the copy of the Durable I had from 2004. This woman was like watching the Exorcist, I kid you not.
This began in April, now I am her guardian/conservator and she doesn't remember who I am.
I think your Mom is at this point. She is saying things to your Father and all he hears is his wife telling him what to do, can't separate the reality from what is locked in his mind.
I would just let her talk and say her piece. The only way she or dad can revoke is to have a new one prepared, who's going to take your place?
If dad has 24/7 care....beware that this could be coming from one of the caregivers.
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contact the attorney that did the poa maybe he can reason with your parents or give advice - tell the attorney your parents are uncooperative.

again sorry this is happening to you
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Hi everyone,

Well now both of my parents want to rescind the POA. My mother said I am "lording it over them", and my dad told me when he drew up the POA with his lawyer back in 2014 he thought it would be for after he dies. I am tired of the constant criticism from them. I really am starting to think I want to turn all this over to the state or whoever. I just can't let this keep affecting affect my physical and mental health. I'm a teacher and I can't wait until summer break is over and I can go to work and be away from all this. I refuse to take any calls during the day unless it my wife for emergencies.
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The fibbing is actually going ok. It seems that if I can give my dad any answer, then he just accepts it. My mom, 79, is actually a bigger problem. My dad has insurance and can afford an aid 24 hours a day, which he needs with the Alzheimer's and the fact he is confined to a wheelchair. I went to the 24 hour schedule because he fell and got hurt twice when he was by himself. She will leave him alone. She is now furious that I don't trust her to watch my dad anymore and is trying to convince him to get a lawyer and try to rescind the POA. It will never happen, but she just gets him upset. I am basically becoming estranged from my mother and will probably just visit with my dad.
Many people are telling me my mom is getting dementia, but she hasn't been diagnosed yet.
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Does your dad stress only about this or is he stressed with other parts of his life? There are meds that can reduce the anxiety and let the person with dementia relax. I would speak to his doctor at the assisted living place about this.

I know all about just wanting to walk away but there's none of that for me as I'm the only child and there is no other family. You have to pace yourself and learn to ignore the continued harping of your dad. He doesn't realize that he can't function like he used to anymore. Tell him you'll have the lawyers call him. Get over the guilt of having to tell "therapeutic fibs" to your dad. You are trying to HELP him. Keep that in mind.

You may also need to limit your visits. Keep them to half an hour or less. Redirection and distraction are vital as the dementia progresses. It's enough to loose OUR minds over. If you can't come to grips with his behavior, then take a break for awhile. You need to have a good mental outlook and, if that means taking a 1 week vacation every 4 weeks, then so be it. It's for your good mental health. Consider seeing a therapist to help you traverse the bumpy Alzheimer's road.

As the Alzheimer's advances, there won't be the same challenges as you're facing now (there'll be new ones ;)]. You won't have to face the same nagging so take solace in that. This too shall pass.

Do whatever you can to reduce stress in your life. Meditation, warm baths, long walks, movies, a glass of wine (just one) a night, etc. Treat yourself once a week.

You'll get through this. We're all still standing, albeit somewhat worse for wear.
Keep coming back. We hear you.
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Please keep in mind that the behavior of a person with dementia is different than who the were before. You must develop a thicker skin when they accuse you of things and act ungrateful of your efforts. Often suspicion of everyone is a feature of dementia.
The lying is a kindness. There was a lady at my parent's memory care who sometimes tried to get out of the door as I as coming in. She thought she was supposed to meet her mom at the eagle statue in the Wanamaker's store. She was upset that she would keep her mom waiting. I would take her hand, look her in the eye and gently tell it's OK, you are meeting her tomorrow. Then I would invite her to the living room to see what's happening there. She would be reassured and happy. This happened repeatedly. I was pleased to be able to relieve her distress. I used to meet my mom at the eagle. Of course the lady's mom is dead and the store is no longer there. What if I told her that her mom is dead? How very cruel that honesty would be.
Your situation is very hard, perhaps the hardest thing you will ever face. Do the best you can at the time and be kind to yourself.
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I know exactly how you feel about the lying....I just call it fibbing and it's the 1 time in my life I won't get into trouble for it.
I tell my siblings to lie or fib. Mom and our stepfather aren't going to know the difference. If they're in an assisted living facility, the staff fibs to them all of the time.
There's a lady at the group home where my Mother/step-father are and she is waiting for her Mother to come get her. They tell her that they've called and she'll be by later. This resident is happy and goes on with her life.
It really isn't the fibbing as the hurt with what is happening with your parents, the ones who you looked to for help and guidance. I know I cry when I leave Mom to come back to TX (childhood home is AZ).
Tall with a therapist who specializes with this feeling of guilt etc. It truly helps you both mentally and physically to vent.
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He is in assisted living and she is in independent living in the same facility. He is diagnosed with Alzheimer's and she probably has it too, but hasn't been diagnosed yet. I have been doing everything for them for a year, and I am tired of being accused of doing everything wrong. I blocked my mom's phone tonight, and I just don't feel like cooperating or being responsible anymore. I will not speak to a lawyer unless I get an order to appear - I am sick and tired of cooperating.
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so your mother and father live together? they 'both' have dementia? are you an only child? do you have any support from other family members?

you can call the rental co. and have them pick up the wheelchair? is it a bill for a 'months rental' or for the 'wheelchair.'  im sorry but you should probably pay the bill or arrange for co to pick it up.

this is just part of taking over. I know its hard. I don't like doing tough stuff for my mom. and I used to do both mom and dad. but he is passed now.

is it possible to forego the lawsuit? seems thats more than most people have to deal with - with POA

sorry if I am all over the place with writing this

but you sound like you need some extra guidance in person. and I know how you feel I really do.
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