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I haven't had a full night's sleep since MIL got home August 20th. She's been talking in her sleep and has nightmares and wakes me up several times a night because of that, in addition to the potty. It's like I haven't slept in 31 months. I know I did while she was in the nursing home those 17 days, but it doesn't seem like it.

I have to take her to a foot doctor next Tuesday. She has another toe going bad and headed for amputation, too. It is a huge undertaking to get her to a doctor. It takes an ambulance trip and those guerneys don't fit good in my house. They've banged up my hallway wall and scarred the doorway to her room already. I know we've made 10 or 12 trips to one doctor or another already and it's really getting old. This appointment is at 8:00 AM and the ambulance will pick her up at 7:30 AM, so my husband will find out what a tremendous job it is to get his darling mother out of this house (unless he is in the shower when they come). I'm dreading it. She will try to charm the crap out of the EMTs and they will think she is the sweetest thing they ever saw. ARRGH!
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MIL called me to the Dog-goned potty last night and then got nasty with me because I reminded her she had promised she wouldn't get on it by herself--she had done that. When I told her I would have to call her Baby to help get her back to bed, she told me nastily to leave her alone, she could get back in bed by herself and for me not touch her. And By Golly, she stood up and waited for me to pull her Depends up and then she got in bed by herself. If she could do this all along, why does she need me? Liar, liar, Depends on fire. I think I'll put the potty out of reach and make her try to take a step or two to get to it. Maybe she'll go ahead and fall. Oh, no, I can't do that. I'm nicer than that. But the devil in me thinks about it. She's getting nastier and nastier with me lately, but I can't be nasty back and I so want to. Thanks for the venting place.
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My Mom is a lovely person to everyone but me. The Assisted Living staff where she is think she's delightful. Of course they do. She never lets them do anything for her, she demands I do it. What an easy patient.

If she goes on one of her tirades I just leave, but if I'm driving her somewhere, I'm trapped, so out it comes. She's very passionate about politics. The other day she called me brain dead because I don't believe Obama popped out of the womb, forged his birth certificate and has been plotting to destroy America ever since. I get angry and speed and one of these days I'm going to end up in an accident. Some times I pull off the side of the road and step out of the car until she shuts up, or say "la,la,la,la" like the girl from Saturday night live does when she doesn't want to hear what someone is saying.

It does feel good to vent.
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Know how you feel - 93 year mother never liked me - but she asks my how I feel and when I say "not too well" (loudly so she hears me) she says good - now go get me some groceries and pay for them --- UGH
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Keep venting - we are all listening - luv
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When MIL was in the NH last month she got constipated (new for her, so the iron pills muct have been prescribed when she was in there). They had to make a big deal of how I would have to clean her out if she got constipated again. Have plenty of rubber gloves, they said. NOT ME. They even sent suppositories home. If she was a loved one of mine, maybe, but not someone I don't care for. Geesh. I'll just give her laxatives and wait for whatever happens.
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Oh, yes, the iron pills make the poo very black....and can sometimes cause constipation......my dad definitely isn't constipated!
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Funnier - No, I wash my hair in the shower or the kitchen sink on occasion...the bathroom my dad uses is the half bath downstairs....we take him up once a week to shower....he cannot use the stairs well, so we have to help him....make sure he doesn't fall...
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I haven't dealt with MIL today. I went outside and let Nancy have her. My husband does work on Saturdays, though. He owns his own business and has to be there. He even stays there till 9:00 Friday nites. It's been like that for 30 years or more. I hate that. Anyway, Nancy showed her the bruise she left on her and MIL pouted the rest of the day. What gave her that right? MIL is still throwing up but I did figure out the black stool. I got on the internet and investigated all her drugs (all l8 of them) and she is taking iron. Still, we don't know why she just upchucks for no reason. Funny thing is, she calls for me to be there while she is up chucking and I have to be at her side "comforting" her. It's been that way ever since the vomiting started.

Pixiebean, do you wash your hair in the bathroom sink? I do, and I caught the caregiver rinsing a washcloth out in ours after she had bathed MIL. My hair is long and actually goes down the sink when I rinse it. I can't imagine all the nastiness in the drain and I cautioned her about doing that again. I told her to use the tub instead. After that one, I'll stick to washing my hair in the shower from now on, too.
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Hubby should share in the responsibility! My husband is great at helping with my father, who is 95 1/2 with dementia. Thankfully we don't have the potty issues you do, however, he sometimes "explodes" in the bathroom and I have to clean up the coal black iron laden poop that is ALL OVER THE BATHROOM!

I have told him that it is ok if he has an accident, but to please not take his underwear and rinse the poo out in the sink....I don't want poop going down my bathroom sink! He keeps doing it anyway....ugh....

He doesn't know I am his daughter most of the time, thinks I should know all these people he knew as a child....I think he believes I am one of his sisters. All his sisters have passed away years ago.

I too just want to vent sometimes. I get so frustrated at the man, and I know it isn't his fault, but it doesn't help make me any less frustrated! AAAGGGHHH!!!!!
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funnierthanmeJAD711, is sooooo right! Please, leave hubby with his mama and go heal your body, your mind, and your spirit! Have a lovely weekend!
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Hi Funnierthanme, it's JAD711, well at least you do have the satisfaction that she won't walk again, which has it's good and bad points, but she won't be walking around driving you crazy at least. I'm sooooooo glad you finally told your husband how you feel about the potty and your back and , but I still think he needs to step up to the plate more. You need to tell him, that Friday and Saturday nights are his, you WILL NOT get up for her, you need a weekend break too. He doesn't have to get up early to go to work on Saturday and Sunday's, so he needs to give you a break. You just can't keep doing this seven days a week, you are really going to hurt your back to the point it won't get better. Take a Saturday for yourself, go have a massage, go to lunch with a girlfriend, get out of the house and let him take care of her. You deserve it!!!
Glad you had a good day, you take care and have a great weekend!!
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Hi, Sunflo2, I've been posting on another thread, The Caregiver, How are YOU Doing Today?" and pretty much, it's the same old thing. MIL keeps me up at least once or twice a night and her moods in the daytime are getting nastier and nastier. Yesterday she even gave my helper, Nancy, a bruise on her upper arm where she grabbed her. I wouldn't think someone so frail could squeeze another so hard to bruise them, but she did.

When I told my husband the therapist said it just wasn't realistic to expect his mother to ever walk again, he accepted that. I explained her foot drop and her right ankle turning in so bad that she can't even put it on the floor. Her ankle is what touches the floor instead. He was not aware of this. We have tried to get him to examine her before, but he wasn't interested, or too shy, or embarassed, or I don't know what, but he just said "You take care of it". What I thought would be a war about the therapy wasn't even a comment in return. He just listened and shook his head. I'm glad I didn't have a fight on my hands over that one.

I finally got enough nerve this morning to tell him about how I was sick of potty duty. My sister had stopped at his work yesterday to give him some homemade veg. soup to bring to me and he told her he had put an IcyHot patch on my back. He said he told her he didn't know if my back hurt from lifting around on her or if it was because I was just tired of taking care of her. When he told me this at breakfast, I said to him. I'll tell you what I'm really tired of. I'm so sick of that damned dirty potty and carrying it through my house to empty it I can't hardly stand it aymore. He said he knew it, but there wasn't much he could do about it right now and he was sorry I had to deal with that part of it. WOW! I haven't heard those words "I'm Sorry",in 40 or 50 years. I didn't think he even knew them anymore. That made today a good day. I got up feeling like a zombie but the day got better and better and right now, it's pretty good if MIL will keep quiet.
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Feeling better today? Give us an update on how you are doing.
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MIL told my husband they had her walking a few steps with a walker at the NH. He is convinced that with PT, she will be able to walk again with a walker at home as long as someone walks with her to steady her. The head of physical therapy at the home care agency came today to evaluate her. She spent about 20 minutes with MIL and another few minutes on the phone with the physical therapy dept. at the nursing home. MIL had also told her she walked on the parallel bars at the nursing home's physical therapy department. They told her it did not happen. Today, she asked MIL to stand up. She could not. She has foot drop so bad that it is nearly straight down and her right foot turns inward so bad she would be walking on the outside of her ankle bone and likely break her ankle if she tried to walk. There is no warmth in either of her feet indicating her circulation is very poor and several of her toes are developing sores on them where she has banged them on the blanket support (Medicare approved and paid for) she needed to keep the blankets from touching her feet because it was too painful for the weight of the sheets and blankets to touch them. She may lose another toe or two in the future.

I was elected to tell him the physical therapist said it would be pointless to try to do any physical therapy aimed at making her walk. That goal is unattainable. He works late on Friday nights and I have to tell him this tonight when he's tired. I sure dread doing it.
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THIS IS THE PLACE -- I don't have it nearly as bad as you all at this point; but I read and participate because it is coming for me. I agree with all the lovely inspiring and empathetic posts here. Take your time with your back and if necessary maybe get your doctor's "excuse" to say you need another 30-60 days for full recuperation for your back strain. I am concerned that your husband doesn't pitch in more on the potty duties or other with his mother...he also probably works so he gets away from the stress during the day. No doubt this whole caregiving thing takes its toll on the whole family and our friendships. WE DON'T JUDGE HERE so it is safe to vent your true feelings, needs and desires here - ANYTIME. I have my husband and brother to vent to. I've been so ashamed of some of my thoughts towards my mother but here everyone shares some of those feelings and I don't have to feel sad or guilty. My mother repeats herself to, rarely says thank you, etc. We do feel unappreciated -- yet we continue to want to do the right thing and trudge through. I guess my rude awakening is that these elderly people (right mind or not) feel like we owe them this because they gave us life and provided for us. I'm sorry, I don't feel my children "owe me anything" -- it was a labor or love and I have freed them from the nest -- now I have to just remember that when I'm 90! LOL. Our parents (in most cases) didn't have to take care of their parents as most of them didn't live that long or went into a NH. I guess as they become infirmed its just a struggle to live out each day so they don't have the energy anymore to be nice or care about anyone else -- we are no longer their "family" and just another body to tend to their immediate needs. Thats what I try to tell myself to get through.
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Hubby didn't wake up with me when she had to potty at 2:00 AM this morning. That was a first. She's back to black stool again, too. Anyway, I told him about it and he actually APOLOGIZED. He said to wake him up if he doesn't wake up on his own. He want's to wake up to. I asked him why and he said it ought to be fair. I had a chance to say that he should share the potty duty, but I didn't have the nerve to start a war, yet, so I didn't. I just said, "At least, somebody got some sleep around here." How is it that she didn't have to potty at all during the night at the nursing home and instantly she has to potty during the overnight hours here? I really believe my doctor was right. It's for spite. She can catch up in her sleep during the day, and does.
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How are you doing today? Did you get a good night's sleep?

I had to laugh at that namby pamby suggestion for the rub downs with lotion too. Give me a break. When they become downright evil, how can anyone be expected to treat them like pashas?
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SS I couldnt' have said it better myself. Furnnierthanme, I'm glad you are still laughing, and you are doing the right thing by working outside where you love to be. Nancy needs to stand up and do what she is supposed to do, and should be emptying that bag when she gets there and before she leaves. Glad her Chemo is going well though. Have a great weekend, just go watch the dog when you need a laugh, and tell hubby that the weekends are his. You take care of her all week, you need the weekends off.
Prayers with you - JAD711
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SS too funny... funnierthanme glad to hear at least this site is helping. I know what you mean I really feel better after coming on even if it's just to read little bit & sometimes I see one like yours and realize I might not have it as bad as others. Keep your head up....:)
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SS, that's the best laugh I've had in a long, long time. Thanks for that one! MIL called to me today and said "Jan, I may have to stay a day or two longer until I get back on my feet. I hope it's OK." I only had to play along and tell her she could stay as long as she needed. She has been going in and out of her dementia episodes really often the last couple of days.

My daughter and I were discussing her one day and I just said I didn't understand why God would let someone live in such an awful state. Why wouldn't He take her? She said "He doesn't want her, either." It's sad she has made such a bad impression on so many and such a good impression on so few. Those few will swear that the majority of us are all lying. She's been quite an actress, and still is, even yet.
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Maybe should have given MIL the cucumber.....sorry!
Enjoy the day, sweetie!

-SS
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I think God sent me here the day I found this place. I was at my rope's end when I landed here and I thank God every day I did. Nancy's radiation is going just fine and I've spent the last three days outside just like I planned. It's been great. I've still had to deal with MIL at night, and she manages to stick me with the potty duty before Nancy gets here or after Nancy leaves, but at least I can turn her over to Nancy without any guilt. I just hate that damned potty, and Nancy manages to forget to take her turn at emptying the urine pouch too. I'll have to remind her again.

Here's something to laugh at, though. My husband's dog won't leave the goats alone. He runs at their fence(it joins our backyard) and just barks and barks all day. So my husband ran a reduced electric wire along it. It gives a really mild shock out when touched, but it won't hurt. He said it would take him getting shocked only once and he wouldn't go near the goats again! His stupid dog (supposed to be a black lab), has hit that electric wire four times now and doesn't show any signs of stopping. He yelps all over the yard for a few minutes and settles down for about an hour and charges the goats again later. The goats just want to head butt him. My other two dogs went to see what he was yelping about, got shocked themselves and cried about it, and won't go into that end of the yard at all now. My Grandson wanted to see if you can get shocked through a cucumber he was going to give the goats and stuck it against the wire and promptly got a shock "to my toes" he said. He was afraid to give the goats the cucumber after that and threw it away. I tried telling MIL this and she just gave me a blank stare like I was talking in a foreign language. 3 years ago she might have laughed a little. I wasted my breath. I just don't think I will talk to her anymore.
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funnierthanme I have been trying to follow your post Im also taking care of MIL since last Oct. & I noticed your post right away.. The one good thing is my MIL treated me good & said I always meant as much to her as one of her own. Now of corse thats not the MIL Im taking care of today She has alzheimer & health problems & some days I think I can't do it one more day then seems like I wake up & have a better day.. ALOT Of Prayers & Venting on here Im always on grossed out my mom used my toothbrush to comb hair lol These people on here are wonderful some days feel like there your only friends or that will be honest with you. I feel bad for you & Hope you just keep venting trust me it helps.... I just wanted to write something today to let you know I'm here thinking & praying for you.
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OMG - rub her down with lotion??! Not! Yes, definitely tell hubbie he can up with her at night. What if you just DON'T get up? Is that possible? Try it, once. See what will happen. See if hubbie gets up. Keep me posted and enjoy the outdoors!

Also, my Dad is a "street angel, house devil" too! That's what we call that behavior here! Everyone thinks he's so nice but when he gets home (or when he did), he was an SOB!
xo
-SS
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That is hysterical, I can see you now doing all of that for her - lol. You just have to keep on keeping on and come here and vent, at least you get it all out, and you relieve a little stress. My prayers are still with you, and hope you find peace soon.
JAD711
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This is just stupid funny, OK? Since MIL slept all night at the nursing home EVERY NIGHT, never went to the potty at night, etc, we asked the administrator if they may have given her sedatives to help her sleep because she just doesn't sleep all night at home. We told her I was up all night last night. She wanted to make the suggestions that when she wakes me up, I rub her down with soothing lotions, sit and talk to her about "remember when" kind of things, get her something to drink, spray fragrances she likes around the room, make her go pee. All these things might make her go back to sleep and stay asleep, she said. (She didn't know she has an indwelling catheter). Well, I would first have to like this MIL in order to rub her down with soothing lotions. Not going to happen. My remember whens are hateful things she has done to me. She refuses air freshener anytime I have offered to spray it, no matter the fragrance I buy, I offer her fresh water or anything else she wants every single time she gets me up and she refuses. Nancy and I discussed this at length today. She remembers sweet Aunt Dot who wouldn't hurt a fly. She doesn't know the side of her I am describing. I told her she and I don't know the same woman. She said her Mother , mil's sister, was just like this. Her Mother was 95 when she died. Woe is me. Mil is only 93. I may have several more years of this. Nobody can give advice to fix this for me. There is no fixing. You can't unburn paper and this paper is burned up. I just need to come here and tell my story every now and then. I really appreciate all the shoulders I find here. That's all I need right now. I don't know any of you personally, but I love you all because you care. Thank you for that.
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Yes I do think it's because she knows you hate doing it, and she just wants to make you miserable. Ask her if she was happy there and does she want to go back, and ship her right over there. Well sure hope something happens one way or the other for you. As for your leg, I really hope it gets the feeling back soon, that must drive you crazy! You take good care of yourself, okay?
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I meant 3 to 4 months., not days. for my legs's feeling to come back. It's been a month almost already. If mosquitoes want to bite me, there would be a good place to do it.
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Hi, Jad. Thanks for asking about my back. It's doing really good right now. My right thigh is still numb, though. Doc says it might take 3 ro 4 days to get the feeling back there. He says he can refer me to a back doctor. I don't want that. I'll just deal with the numbness for awhile. When I talked to my neurologist a couple of years ago about MIL, he says she does these things for spite. I said, "for real?" He said he really thought so. His nurse said she was her Mother's caregiver for several years until her deth and she treated her badly, too, and she thought it was just for spite, too. Maybe it is. MIL charmed everybody at the nursing home. They thought she was just the sweetest thing they had ever seen. She never tried to get out of bed or even demonstrated any dementia episodes, and she slept all night every night. But, as soon as she entered our house, it all started again. Is she just acting? She's driving me beserk.
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