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I don't want suggestions that I need to place MIL in a home or get more help, or throw DH out on his ass or anything like that. I don't want to be told I need a vacation. I just want someone to come hold me and let me cry and tell me it will be OK. I want to tell them Nancy has been nasty to me and I have to accept it because "we need her". She works cheap. Don't suggest we find someone else. She is MIL's niece.

One day, as the regular caregiver from the home health agency was here talking about her own "burnout" and I was sympathizing, Nancy said she thought I was acting like I was some sort of queen or something. I told her I didn't think I was some sort of damned queen. She said I had an attitude going around telling everybody how bad it was and wanting them to feel sorry for me. I talk to no-one but my husband, my sisters (who Nancy doesn't even know) and to this particular caregiver on this one occasion that day. I've had Nancy in my life 30 months now along with MIL and I am sick of her but I have to tolerate her because DH says so.

Nancy doesn't bathe. She's very large, won't get into a tub because she can't get out of one, so she washes up at the sink. Most days, her odor is so bad I can hardly stand to be around her. She said I was so lucky to have a shower. I told her any time she wanted a shower, just bring an extra set of clothes and take one. I know she would really enjoy it. She won't do it. Her church believes that if you don't belong to her religion, you will go to Hell. She preaches to me all the time even though I have told her I would appreciate it if she wouldn't. I have my own beliefs and they are not the same as hers. My God would not exclude someone who didn't belong to a certain church.

My two children will not visit their grandmother. Neither of them have anything good to say about her and I cannot force them to go into her room and say hello. She hurt them as much as she deliberately hurt me and my husband thinks she gave them everything. A hug with a knife in your back sure hurts.

She's out of the hospital since last Thursday and true to form, waking me up once or twice during the night to go to the potty. It's making an old woman out of me and I'm only 67. She's 92 and goes "whew" almost every breath, and almost every breath is blown in my face. I have to be near her when I'm getting her on and off the potty and serving her meals and changing her Depends and sheets and blankets and I hate getting breaths blown in my face and she says "Yeah" a hundred times a day. What's that about??? Yeah because I pulled a blanket up around her so she would be warm. Yeah because she sat down on the potty, when she got up off it, when I pulled her Depends up, When I gave her a new cup of ice water. I swear, if I could get away with telling her to buzz off, I might feel better, but I'm not exactly sure when she might be in her demented state or out of it. She says "Huh" no matter what I say and I have to repeat myself. I know darned good and well she heard me the first time. I know I'm in a situation I can't get out of until she dies. I just don't know when that will be and it seems like it will be a long, long time from now because we are doing such a wonderful job of taking care of her.

I had to stop driving when I was 48 because of my seizures. She drove until she was 90. I hated that. I get a great deal of pleasure, though, everytime I pass her bedroom door and see her laying there flat on her back, unable to even stand up on her own. We don't put her in a wheelchair and bring her into our livingroom or out on the deck or to eat at the dining room table. She might need the potty and we would never get her back to it in time and we just can't take the potty with her everywhere we take her. Even though I can't drive, she can't stand up. Payback is Hell.

Did I say how sick I am of draining the urinary pouch and carrying the dirty potty out of the bedroom to the bathroom to empty it and wash it out? I know I'm not the only one who does this. But I'm the only one of me that has done it. People in my family tell me I've earned a place in Heaven for taking care of her. I don't think that's a guarantee.

My daughter was venting about her own MIL the other day and I tried venting about MIL to her and she had the nerve to say to me "I don't have the time for that and I don't want to hear any of it anyway. She means nothing to me so don't talk about it." That's why I am here today. When my own family doesn't seem to care, where do I go?

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funnier..........this is as good a place as any to come and vent and get all of your frustrations out. And yes, your situation sounds too familiar, there are many here who live in the same circumstances, and yes, it won't last forever. Your mil will die, probably sooner than you think even with excellent care, and your situation will hopefully change. I just hope you don't start to fail with your health first. I hope you are able to find something to make your days a little brighter.
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funnierthanme: Vent away. I thought my mother was dying when she came to live with me almost two years ago. With my care, she has rallied. And, narcisist that she is, she feels no appreciation whatsoever. I won't even go into how much of my future she has cost me. But I am making other choices. Yes, I am only1of3 (siblings) and she is my responsibility by default. I will see that she is cared for, but no longer at my expense. By the end of the month, she will be in independent living. If she can't handle it, she goes to skilled nursing (nursing home). She has sucked the life and spirit out of me for almost 64 years. It stops now. So, that is my vent and solution, but I will not tell you what to do. Your situation is yours. But it does feel better to vent, doesn't it, so vent away before you explode. What a lovely pressure cap is this site!
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You come here! you will NOT be judged for anything you say or feel. We ALL have to have a private place to vent or lose our minds. IT WILL BE OK....if you have not already done so speak to your doctor about the stress you are under. Mine gave me low dose anxiety medicine that allows me to breathe a little easier. We have to think of them as bratty children and its hard when they are using grown up stabs and insults. You have to take care of YOU too. (((((Hugs))))
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What about a professional, a therapist, perhaps one that specializes in caregiver situations, actually I would like to find one for myself, I don't want to start taking my frustrations out on my husband. Although, unlike unlucky you, I have my family to talk to and his children are there if I need them. Guess I should beef too loudly. You need to take care of yourself, or there won't be anyone there to take care of them. Who is DH?
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I meant "should NOT beef too loudly"
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Hi Funnierthanme,

You are so right, it is difficult facing all the awful issues surrounding, and that are part of, care giving. Some in our lives make us feel honored to do what we can in an attempt to make their last days pleasant and, even then, it is difficult and your patience will be tested to the max. Then there are others who have not been the nicest to us through the years; they are the ones who try every ounce of our endurance, tolerance, patience and fortitude not to be neglectful and have horrible thoughts we don’t like ourselves for thinking. I have had both myself. I have health issues directly related to the 17 years devoted to caring for parents and we are not done yet as we currently care for my FIL. It is the most difficult physical, psychological and financially draining thing I have done in my 63 years. So many days I want it all to end so my husband and I can have a few years of enjoying our life together. I am so afraid, before it all ends, we will be in the same boat all the ones we have lost our lives caring for have been.

The whole situation sucks for everyone involved. We are exhausted and all too often resentful of our lives being drained to the max, plus, those we care for are also sad, lost, resentful and confused to have, not only their lives taken from them, but their minds as well. It definitely takes its toll on everyone. There are days I think it has caused my husband and I to hate one another due to the strain it puts on our relationship.

You requested we do not advise you and I will respectfully refrain from offering any suggestions. You are correct, sometimes, all we need to keep us from doing great bodily harm to those in situations we must endure is to vent, and SCREAM, and throw the china and run away. Writing what we feel, because we can not physically do what we want, is the best option and that is why we are here. To give you a place to do just that without being judged, criticized or told what you should do. You are doing the very best you can and that is all any of us are capable of. I have to say you might want to read some of the other threads here because, personally, I have found many of them extremely helpful and the suggestions opened doors I know I may not have thought about, shedding a new and oft times helpful light to my thoughts.

Please feel free to vent, and vent and vent and vent to your hearts content and know we will be here to listen and understand, neither judging nor offering unsolicited advice. All too often, I feel like I am at my wits end and can’t take one more nano-second of this insanity. I have to remind myself this too shall pass and it is only temporary, even if it seems like an eternity. I remind myself of that a million times a day when the seconds seem like years and minutes are an eternity. Wishing you peace.
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...only 1 of 3.... 64 years???? Holy Moly!!! WOW!!
?? Funnierthenme... Rant and vent away! Man do I ever know where you are coming from. I will say, that from where I sit, you are having a harder daily routine then I....but I can also say that burnt is burnt... One more diaper, bedside commode cleaning, one more repeated saying and sometimes one more anything is enough! I will go on my own experience... When I sit and just don't know how to do one more thing, I am numb, empty and feel so alone. At this point in my daily life I challenge myself to just know that I am not alone and that I "have to" keep going! When the day is over and I hope I am allowed to sleep through the night, I lay there and wish things were so different...but as horrible and tired of this life I am... I am grateful to have had one more day with my daughter. Then I hope and pray that tomorrow will be sustainable and that I will carry on as best as I can!
This is where I am right now... So caregiver families all over...unite in the knowledge that we deffinatelly understand and empathize with any and all you are going through! Blessings to you all!
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Bless your heart. Pray, talk to God, and vent here. I know hard it is to not have anyone to vent to, because you feel you will be judged.
Take care of yourself that is the most important thing, you have a long time to live, she doesn't (hopefully).
JAD711
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Thank you all for that. Jad711, thanks so much for the needed hug.

Even my Grandson needs to vent sometimes. He's only 9 years old and he says he hates her now. I can't go to his sports activities. I hear that he's the best hitter on his ball team. He's the sweeper on the soccer team, and I can go to see him play the games coming up. She's temporarily in a nursing home because I hurt my back but my husband wants to bring her home before the 28 days Medicare pays for expire. He doesn't want her to die in a nursing home. I do.

I don't want to hande that stinking potty anymore. I want to throw it on her. I know I won't, but back in my mind I can see myself doing it. When I have seizures, I have no idea what I do. What if I would hurt her during a seizure. I haven't hurt her during one in 30 months, but there is still that infinite possibility.

I am enjoying the 28 days reprieve I have right now, but I'm expecting him to come home each night and tell me he is bringing her home the next day.

She has been having black bowel movements for over two weeks now. I know she has bleeding in her digestive tract somewhere. I know I can't treat that. When I told my husband she needed to be in a hospital, he said he wasn't sending her to a hospital. He said he would only make her as comfortable as we can at home and just let her pass here at home.

When he brings her home, how do I handle that??? That's what I need advice for now.
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Funnierthanme, I just cannot imagine what you are going through, and I don't understand why your husband doesn't see how upset you are and how your girls and grandson feel. All I can tell you is to take the 28 days, rest as much as possible and maybe the nursing home will send her to the hospital for the bowel movements. I don't think it's fair for him to think that you should have to bear this burden and take her abuse. The only thing I can tell you, is to keep complaining about your back, and that you just can't care for her, because of the pain. And tell that caregiver you really don't care about her burnout that she is there to take care of her and is being paid, you are not!
God Bless you sweetie, I will keep you in my prayers, and hope everything works out for you. Maybe she will die before she comes home, I will also pray for that.
Take care,
JAD711 (Judy)
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funnierthanme, is this 'black bowel' terminal? If it is, then it's time to bring in hospice. They will give you the help she needs, and it will certainly help you. (This next part is a personal pet peeve of mine, so ignore it if you want)... How involved is your husband with HIS mother's care? Sometimes when the husband is expecting his wife to take care of HIS mother, he goes off to work and starts staying later and later. Then when he does get home, he's tired and doesn't want to 'deal with it', so he lays it on his wife. I hope your husband isn't like that, because his first priority is to HIS family (wife, children) NOT to his mother and/or father. I know he has to make money to live, that's a no brainer, but he CAN protect his wife, by making her life as easy as possible when taking care of HIS mother. And that includes getting you whatever you need to preserve your sanity. Well, maybe not the pillow to put over the old lady's face, but you know what I mean. And if your m-i-l is always preaching to you, where's her church to help? Talk is cheap, action speaks volumes. Anyway, hope I didn't offend. Just thinking out loud. Good luck.
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Just tell him you can't do it anymore. And stick to your guns. Tell him you have to hire a caregiver, or maybe hospice, and that's just the way it's going to be cause you're done, cooked and fried. You're completely done. And the day she comes back to the house, have a friend pick you up early in the day and get the hell out of there. Then see what he does...... Sorry to be so harsh; just trying to be honest. Please don't be offended. I've been cooked and done and fried for a while.

-SS
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Dear funnierthanme...This is a good place to vent, but no one here can actually give you a hug and tell you everything is going to be okay. You have a serious situation on your hands and after reading your postings, it seems to me that this is more complex than getting a hug. You should be hugged every day and multiple times for the work you are enduring with your mother-in-law. Here's the question that I ask all my clients who experience similar feelings as yours: Where does it say anywhere in the Rules of Life that you are meant to lose your life and live in misery while being abused by your MIl's neice? It doesn't say it anywhere and because you are feeling the way you are, it's time for you to take back your life. I'm confused about why the care is falling on your shoulders. Where is your husband in this picture? Isn't this his mother? This is your life and YOU MATTER! Your health matters. Your self image matters. Your emotional stability matters and it sounds like it's time for you to make some changes regarding this situation. Since your MIL is in a nursing home right now, this is the time to set some clear boundaries about what you will do and what you won't do. You absolutely must do this. We are all treated based upon the strength or weakness of our boundaries. If she indeed is bleeding internally and there is nothing that can be done for her or if your husband does not want to send her to the hospital, then perhaps it's time for hospice care. I'm guessing that you are not an RN and it sounds like the physical problems she has require medical attention and care. Clearly your health is on the line here and as much as I'm sending you a huge hug through the Internet (which doesn't feel very personal) you absolutely have to DECIDE that things going forward are going to change and you need to begin the process of making that happen. I'm happy to continue the dialogue with you here. Happy to guide you through the process of how to begin changing your situation so you don't completely lose yourself. Sending you good thoughts.
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I think I just said the same thing in 1000 less words than Cindy. Sorry, besides, Carol whom I love, not a big fan of the so-called "experts" on this site. The experts here are the people in the trenches with you. And that is all of us. Pa-lease....BUT - Cindy - you earned your due. That is really good advice. Kudos to you, Cindy. :)
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there are other similar forums You're receiving a far warmer reception here than in the recent past

I'Dx also look in at the forum on alxheimerspouce
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I really liked everyone's responses! Boy, venting is so necessary. It's also comforting to know how many people are in similar situations. I did consult an elder care manager who is excellent and making suggestions, researching whatever you need, and being generally supportive. She's a godsend. Maybe give that a try? My thoughts are with you -- stay calm!
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Vent away day after day if need be. Give us all the stories and experiences you need us to know about. I am listening and sending you a hug. xoxoxoxo
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This is a great place to vent. I think it helps ally's care givers to know we are not the only person going through these things. I am sorry it is so hard for you. Please take are of yourself before you need a care giver. (((hugs)))
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If your husband insists on bringing her home let him. But make sure you have a friend you can go to and stay for a few nights(or to a motel). Maybe then he would realize why you are burnt out!
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Please God, don't let me become what I see here- we are all taking care of people who can't take care of themselves. I don't want to become mean and demanding of others when I am old. (i am 65 now) I have cared for my mother in law who died at home, and am now caring for my mom. Why do they all get mean and how do we stop ourselves from becoming the same. That is my biggest fear.I wish you love, peace and patience.
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funnierthanme, I so understand! I belonged to a group that if I vented, all I got was advise on how to better take care of my loved one. Nothing creates more anger than unwanted advice on how to achieve the ultimate doormat status. Just venting here, too. No advice needed. (That felt good!)
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Dear LynnLin I would like the answer to your question as well. AD appears to be different with everyone; my mom has been always sweet and cooperative
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Funny, but not funny, but what the heck. You cry, you laugh, you somehow make it through another day.
People seem to be waiting for my 83 year old mom who has dementia (a stroke 3 years ago, 26 year widowed) to die - But she is not ready (she tells us so). She has four children - 3 boys, 1 girl (me). All her sisters are gone, 1 brother left. She has 6 grands, 1 great-grand, numerous neices, nephews, cousins, etc... She did go to church but did not fit the clicks, but I was active and involved until one of my brothers and I started taking care of her for the last 6-7 years. The church came three years ago to offer prayer and gave a personal care basket.
Our mom needs assistance in daily living, personal care, etc.. She goes to daycare 5 days week. We get some assistance in the evenings during the week. The caregiving agencies have been a nightmare to say the least. We have not had one yet that we can trust to leave alone. So one of us is always in the house. We have no relief. We have asked others who we can "trust,' but not one has stepped forward. Promises, promises, but no fruits to bear. Therefore we do what we have to do. Mom is appreciative most of the time. No one seems to care. The holy church suggests we place mom in the nursing home, never mind who is going to pay for it and how she will be treated, i.e. neglected. Get Real!!! Most churches make a twice a month visit to nursing homes to get a little church service or rather entertainment and think they aare doing God's service (chests stick out like proud peacocks). The harvest is plentiful but the laborers are very few and far in between. By the grace of God and our care, mom is holding on, but it gets tiring. Some times I cry myself to sleep. Some days I want to screem, some times I do while driving aroiund the few times I am by myself. I try to find the good in life, I try to be around positive people (seems life strangers are more friendlier and compassionate than those we know - ha, ha, ha).
It is a wonder how people can ignore the living, but want to pay respect to the dead - puzzling - crazy!! None-the-less, I appreciate the good moments, cry during the lonely/difficult times, and laugh at the funny stuff!!! Tis too shall pass.. pass gas if you must :DDD
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bbrady: I guess 64 years IS a bit of a hyperbole, lol, but let me explain. I will be 64 years old in September and frankly, from very early childhood, I have been my mother's confidant, psychiatrist, priest, Miss Fixit, and later, bank, protector, among other things that she convinced me that she needed from me. She needed to feel guilty for something? I did that for her. She never wrong? I wrong for her. Not all abuse is physical. And my father suffered a severe heat stroke at 24 years old and remained emotionally unstable the rest of his life. As emotionally unstable as he was, I don't know how he didn't kill her, or all of us. When he passed away at 51, I thought, okay, we can all heal. Oh, no. Only Mama could heal. The rest of us continued to carry around all that pain as she continued to dump the past on us year after year after year. What made me think I was strong enough to care for her now? A lifetime of caring for her emotional needs. Enough. I am Only1of3 because my sister lives across the country and is not well. Mama would put her in her grave in three months. My brother committed suicide four years ago. Yes, Mama certainly played her part in that. So, when I found this site, and all of you wonderful people in similar situations, I began to see how much of my life had been lived for her, at my expense, but even worse, at the expense of my husband and children. And, now, finally, I get the meaning of the word "detachment." I can fulfill my responsibilites as the adult daughter, but I don't have to feel guilt or shame for her unhappiness anymore. I get to be happy on my own terms the rest of my life. bbrady, your situation is so different as you are caring for your child and want her with you as long as you can have her with you. I would feel the same way and my heart aches for you and your daughter. May God and this site provide you peace and comfort as you work through your hard times. And everyone, vent your pain out! The empathy that eminates from this site comforts all of us! God bless you all!
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Thanks, Judy. It's so nice to have friends who know what I'm going through and who will understand what I say and what I do and even what I think because of the situation I am in. I can't talk to my family about these feelings because they would be horrified. Many of them would want me "put away". But none of them have walked in my shoes yet and I pray they never have to.

My husband (Jim) told me his Mother was throwing up last night when he went to visit her. While he told me that, I was elated about it. If I wasn't me, I would think I was sick for thinking that. I just know as long as she feels good and does well, there is a better chance that he will bring her home and if she is sickly, he might not. I hope God will forgive me, but I don't want her to get better. I just think she is having a hard time trying to die.
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Everyone...well written. So much good stuff in all the posts; i am literally speechless.
You can vent here and we do understand; every situation is unique and has its own twists and turns but in the final analysis we are tired caregivers performing a very difficult job. Mom is now in a NH because she ran out of money thanks to my sister who allowed mom to spend 32k on cars for my sisters adult children...mom was stage 4 at the time; that will be my vent later this month.
The church service is crazy at the NH. Half the people are asleep in their wheel chairs; the preachers preach things that I can't even understand...they are so detached from the people. I always pull my mother out of there.
Then, there is the Catholic church. My parents raised us Catholic. There's a lady that brings communion to moms roomate i believe once a week. I have asked her to give my mom, who has stage 6 alzheimer's, communion. the lady says your mom doesn't understand what it means so the lady won't give her the communion. I am going to the arch bishop. Dang these people. And, where was the church when I needed help for myself and for my mom? I took a grief and bereavement trng from a nun at one of the Catholic churches in my city. I am ready to help the bereaved. I also have 9 years of experience as a therapist. I notified my church and a couple of others nearby and none of the priests bothered to reply to me. So why do they have email? And, well, I won't go there but why do humans have to suffer; why can't they just die or be put down like a loved pet? So that is my rant about the first post. I agree with everything you said.
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Vent away. I vent to my husband, and my best friend and I know they get tired of it. I'm so fortunate that they both love me enough to just listen.

But people who haven't been in a similar situation don't get how exhausting it is.

My Mom is in assisted living, but I still have things to do for her every day. Even when I'm home she calls me constantly with what ever pops into her head. After a visit with her being ordered around and told how I don't do whatever it is right I'm mentally exhausted. There's never a thank you or please.

I'm sending you a virtual hug. I wish I could find a support group. I live in a small town. But even if I did I wouldn't have time to go and neither would anyone else.
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Yesterday, I went ahead and put sheets and blankets on the hospital bed as if MIL was coming home. I can fold them up and put them away again if she doesn't. My husband said she seemed OK last night.

I will act like it's old times today and can tomatoes and make sweet relish from my daughter's garden vegetables. She had an awesome garden. I still have at least 21 days of freedom. I wish you all could be here with me and we could have a big party before it ends.
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Good for you, sounds like a wonderful day! Put on some happy music and dance around your kitchen. Glad you sound so much better today. You take care, in my prayers, JAD711
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Will do. I'll put the grand kids in the living room with Sponge Bob and put Old Country on in my kitchen and forget the world. I'm doing what I love to do today!
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