Where do I go to just vent and have someone say, I know what you mean. It'll be OK, just hang on a little longer. I hope it's here.

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I don't want suggestions that I need to place MIL in a home or get more help, or throw DH out on his ass or anything like that. I don't want to be told I need a vacation. I just want someone to come hold me and let me cry and tell me it will be OK. I want to tell them Nancy has been nasty to me and I have to accept it because "we need her". She works cheap. Don't suggest we find someone else. She is MIL's niece.

One day, as the regular caregiver from the home health agency was here talking about her own "burnout" and I was sympathizing, Nancy said she thought I was acting like I was some sort of queen or something. I told her I didn't think I was some sort of damned queen. She said I had an attitude going around telling everybody how bad it was and wanting them to feel sorry for me. I talk to no-one but my husband, my sisters (who Nancy doesn't even know) and to this particular caregiver on this one occasion that day. I've had Nancy in my life 30 months now along with MIL and I am sick of her but I have to tolerate her because DH says so.

Nancy doesn't bathe. She's very large, won't get into a tub because she can't get out of one, so she washes up at the sink. Most days, her odor is so bad I can hardly stand to be around her. She said I was so lucky to have a shower. I told her any time she wanted a shower, just bring an extra set of clothes and take one. I know she would really enjoy it. She won't do it. Her church believes that if you don't belong to her religion, you will go to Hell. She preaches to me all the time even though I have told her I would appreciate it if she wouldn't. I have my own beliefs and they are not the same as hers. My God would not exclude someone who didn't belong to a certain church.

My two children will not visit their grandmother. Neither of them have anything good to say about her and I cannot force them to go into her room and say hello. She hurt them as much as she deliberately hurt me and my husband thinks she gave them everything. A hug with a knife in your back sure hurts.

She's out of the hospital since last Thursday and true to form, waking me up once or twice during the night to go to the potty. It's making an old woman out of me and I'm only 67. She's 92 and goes "whew" almost every breath, and almost every breath is blown in my face. I have to be near her when I'm getting her on and off the potty and serving her meals and changing her Depends and sheets and blankets and I hate getting breaths blown in my face and she says "Yeah" a hundred times a day. What's that about??? Yeah because I pulled a blanket up around her so she would be warm. Yeah because she sat down on the potty, when she got up off it, when I pulled her Depends up, When I gave her a new cup of ice water. I swear, if I could get away with telling her to buzz off, I might feel better, but I'm not exactly sure when she might be in her demented state or out of it. She says "Huh" no matter what I say and I have to repeat myself. I know darned good and well she heard me the first time. I know I'm in a situation I can't get out of until she dies. I just don't know when that will be and it seems like it will be a long, long time from now because we are doing such a wonderful job of taking care of her.

I had to stop driving when I was 48 because of my seizures. She drove until she was 90. I hated that. I get a great deal of pleasure, though, everytime I pass her bedroom door and see her laying there flat on her back, unable to even stand up on her own. We don't put her in a wheelchair and bring her into our livingroom or out on the deck or to eat at the dining room table. She might need the potty and we would never get her back to it in time and we just can't take the potty with her everywhere we take her. Even though I can't drive, she can't stand up. Payback is Hell.

Did I say how sick I am of draining the urinary pouch and carrying the dirty potty out of the bedroom to the bathroom to empty it and wash it out? I know I'm not the only one who does this. But I'm the only one of me that has done it. People in my family tell me I've earned a place in Heaven for taking care of her. I don't think that's a guarantee.

My daughter was venting about her own MIL the other day and I tried venting about MIL to her and she had the nerve to say to me "I don't have the time for that and I don't want to hear any of it anyway. She means nothing to me so don't talk about it." That's why I am here today. When my own family doesn't seem to care, where do I go?

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Punchnjudy - thank you for sharing your story.....sorry for your pain and I understand it. Not quite my story, but nonetheless, you do ALL this work FOR SO LONG, and not much in return. My only take away right now is that I have paid my dues beyond reasonable measures and I still have a long way to go before this nightmare is over.

Have a good day everyone.

xo
-SS
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Fayewlbur - I totally agree with PunchNJudy - you need to repost, and I would certainly call his doctor. He could have had a mini stroke in his sleepl JAD711
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Fayewlbur--please REPOST your question as the start of a new discussion. You will see that link right under "ADD YOUR COMMENT"! This is too important to simply have fall under someone else's categorical question.
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HELP!!!!!!My hubby got up this morning very very confused. Not like ever before. Does not know where he is and wants to know what is wrong with him How do i answere his questions. He is in stage 7 of alzheimers and I have not faced this serious confusion before. usuallly I can change the subject but not today. I am lost because I don't know what to tell him that he will understand.
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I used to get demanding phone calls (before she moved into an assisted living facility) which I usually let the machine pick up. If you could listen to some of those messages "you have to come over here RIGHT NOW and take me to two banks!" or "they left me for the weekend and there's nothing to eat in this house!" I actually had my husband call her back once to tell her that I could not possibly get over there with food but then used my credit card to have a grocery order delivered to her house. Then when I went another time with groceries she said she needed since she had "nothing in the house to eat" (my sister in law never once left her without!) I'd look at the fridge and pantry and it would be stuffed so much I couldn't even put away the 'new' stuff. Do you have any idea how many years I fell for this? My heart would pound, here, into my mid-60s and STILL intimidated by this domineering shrew, who had all her facilities, could eat everything (and alot!), can walk without assistance, toilet, groom, do her own laundry etc. and already had a home health aide come in just to be with her while she showered (only to keep an eye on her). She alienated everyone and would have had her pick of help and outings from family and some remaining friends, but no one cared to be around her, because of her manipulation, lies and basic "using up" of anyone in her path. So yes, I'd drop everything, run over to the next state that is at least 45 mins. from where I live and lo and behold, NO emergencies, plenty of food in the house. She would not have been lonely and bored had she not burned her bridges. In her 90s, and she is still "working it" and getting her way. I can only wonder how it is going in the 'new' place. Oh and by the way, every home health aide quit because she used to make them do things for her that were def. not in their job description and certainly not paid enough to do this and do that. I paid my dues, gave the utmost respect, and then she zinged me with the straw that broke that proverbial camel's back and I said enough of it, I'm DONE. Do I pray about it? You betcha I do. I can only hope I'm not punished for my feelings, but God does know my heart and how much it hurts that I was never able to cultivate a decent relationship with this mean spirited, vicious, abusive, hateful woman. It hurts me deeply that I am disassociated, and yet I should be celebrating, but I am not. I would have cheerfully gone on and been the dutiful daughter, but it was not to be.
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Caregiver - Yes, my parents (living down the road -- we moved them so I could help them), would call me to come get something, do some errand, go to the bank etc...When I got there, my father would say, "Here, mail this, and go to the bank and ask them for all new bills...." What? R u kidding me? That's not even the half of it. While my intent on moving them closer was to help them, I had no idea it was going to ruin me. I became errand girl, not their daughter. While I had them over my house frequently jsut for dinner, all the the holidays, birthdays etc..., it was a real effort. Borth incontinent, neither drives and both care barely walk. Mom alone has had 5 surgeries, including both hips, since she's been here. Do you know how many trips to the doctors and hospital that is?!! Too many to count. I have kids too and a company to run. So while she was in the hospital, I would have to take care of him. Dress him, groceries, meals, mail Blah,,,blah....blah.... And my mother would say, why don't we ever go out to dinner? I said I didn't have time becasue I was so busy doing everything else for them. I couldn't be the social director too!! Well, I did get a local agency to help with the errands, but until I said, "No, I can't do that today," or "I only have time for the bank today, not CVS and the toe doctor appt," Until I said no, they abused me. Try it. She'll figure it out. Now, I'm the last call, not the first call. Do you have a group in town that will do their errands? Ask around. :)

Funnier - yes, I know plenty of families that have both a day helper and a night helper. I think you should investigate immediately before you REALLY crack up. luv ya...

xo
-SS
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PunchNJudy, the ages are right. My husband is 69 and MIL is 93. I'm 68. I really don't want to be 70 and taking care of a 95-yr. old demeted patient. I pray she passes before then, but she's 1/4 Indian. She may live almost forever. But when we were eating breakfast that next morning and he hadn't had his shower yet, he thought his dog smelled really bad and needed to go outside. Turned out it was hubby that smelled bad.

Next time she has a bed, bath and beyond thing, I'll have him carry the linens to the washer and start it for me (and put the soiled Depends in the trash outside). That's a smelly job, too. That would be a big help while I am changing her bed. Gotta get those things washed quickly to keep the stains out.
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Do you all have overnight caregivers, especially if you are taking care of more than one parent? I keep getting advice that I should have my husband hire another caregiver, but how many of you actually have people helping you during the day and night both? I have help during the day--even if she smells bad a lot of the time. Today I was outside quite a bit, though--I mowed grass and it's a two hour job. Then I picked up walnuts and sat in the shade alone down behind the barn asking God when will this end. Of course, He won't answer.

My biggest complaint, I guess, is that I am forced to play Florence Nightingale to a woman whom I have never liked, who never liked me, and I wasn't consulted about it in the first place. Even though I have help during the day, I don't at night and over the weekends and this woman, whom I don't like, manages to unload her land mines always on my time. She has interrupted nearly every activity I do just for her potty trips and when her bowels are doing the liquid dance, I have to bathe her, wash the potty, clean the carpet, change her bed and try not to breathe while I'm doing all of it.

I canceled her trip to the foot doctor about her toe. It was looking better and since it is a major production to get her there and back, I called it all off. But, even though we told her yesterday and last night several times, she was trying to get out of bed at 5:45 this morning to "get ready to go to the doctor".

She has progressed deeper into her dementia extremely well and is trying to climb out of bed quite often now. We will either buy a bed alarm or end up strapping her down. I don't look forward to either.

While all of this is going on, I have had strange women coming in and out of my house for three years and things have come up missing and I can't accuse anyone because I don't have any idea who might have taken or "misplaced" them. I know I can trust Nancy, but she is the only one.

As far as taking off for a week, or even a couple of days, that's great advice, but, I don't have enough money for bus fare, or a train of plane, or a motel, let alone money for meals while I would be gone. I am stuck in a rut can't get out of.

I just need this woman gone from my life and to have my life back and my marriage back the way it was three years ago. Eventually, it will happen, but I need to complain sometimes until it does because when I try to bitch to Nancy, she says I have a bad attitude. She wasn't awake all night last night like I was. She and Homer slept like babies.
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bookworm, i don't believe we have to show respect to those who disrespect or abuse us, i can't find that in my Bible anywhere. does that mean i go out of my way to disrespect or abuse someone? nah, they are beneath my notice. unworthy of my presence. i avoid them as much as i can, or cut them out of my life whenever possible. i know that this isn't possible for you btw, i'm sorry.
:(
maybe we can think of your father as a bad dog who constantly bites the hand that feeds him. you obviously are in danger while caring for bad dog, so you must be careful. bad dogs need to be tied up or kept in a kennel and you can never get too close to those sharp teeth. you stand as far back as you can, yet still give them food, water, and whatever care is necessary. you just never get close enough for them to hurt you. so leave them in the yard, go in the house, and shut the door.

(now, if anyone here is ridiculous enough to think i am advocating tying her father up in the yard or keeping him in a kennel, you need to get a dictionary and look up the word 'allegorical'. thank you.) LMAO!

Yes, i do vent about those disrespectful people in my life, to safe people in safe places like this, i suppose that's a form of disrespect, but crap, if that's all i ever do, those people are fekking lucky!!! ROFL!

respecting or honoring an abusive parent means that we also tacitly respect, honor, and approve what they say and do. how can we do that?! and what would it teach our children, our spouse, and other people around us?

it's time for us to respect and honor Ourselves. respect and honor is something we might have never received from either of our parents, so it will be a learned process to do it for ourselves. think of this, would you let anyone treat your precious child the way your parent is now treating you? of course not. so be your own mommy and protect and love yourself. you are a beautiful woman with a tender and sensitive heart and you are deserving of love and respect.
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Caregiver - all the time by father and family. I have a quick-temper. When it comes to eating (I hate eating so I read a book while putting food in my mouth), once I start eating, I refuse to stop to answer phone, visitors, etc...My family and father learned long time ago that when I'm eating - do not bother me. Same with when I'm on the computer or watching TV. Father has learned that when he tells me to do something, I will do it on my own time (during commercials), etc...You just need to figure out what your boundaries are, state it to them, and then enforce it. FYI, when I'm in the middle of something, I say so! So now, father would say, "When you have time, can you this or that." I tend to nag, and nag and nag (or in his point of view: I complain, and complain and complain.)

I'm not a caring, respectful caregiver to father. He treats me disrespectfully, and I respond back the same way. I used to do my best to show respect from my time when I "found God and learned gungho about Him through the Bible." But when you live with this verbal abuses for years (like 36 years), you stop showing respect to the parent. Well, I show disrespect (not sure about you all). I'm not as "christian-like" as I should be.
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