I have so many negative feelings that are against my nature. I feel so guilty.

sooboo, people tell me often that I will be richly rewarded in heaven. But I know the thoughts that are in my mind. I get angry and scared and inconvenienced and selfish -- all these bad things. It makes me feel like I'm such a bad person and I'm doomed to be tossed into the lake of fire, instead. Like you, I try to hide my feelings, but sometimes they come through... particularly the angry feelings when I've had enough.

I don't really think we're bad. I think we're just under extraordinary stress. We are our parents' lifeline and they can cling to us. It would be so much easier if someone would help. I think of how helpful it would be if siblings just called once or twice a week to talk. Spending a few minutes talking to them makes so much difference and would lift a lot of weight off the caregivers' shoulders. It is too much for one person to go through with no family help.

I hear what your saying..

No one person should be caring for an elderly person who needs 24/7 supervision. Get your mom qualified for Medicaid if need be and get some caregivers in.

If she is anxious and easily agitated she needs to be seen by geriatric psychiatrist. Medication will help tremendously.

Where would your mother be if you died?

I related to your comment about feeling "much against my nature." For me, that describes when I knew I needed some therapy. Nobody is entirely without negative feelings -- that is just part of human nature, I think. But each of us knows when the feelings are beyond our normal coping mechanisms. I know that some people call anti-depressants "happy pills" but they are not. They are really "me" pills -- they can help restore our "true" baseline personality when our body chemicals are all out of whack.

Medication can help you cope as the real you and not a frazled facsimile of yourself.

Talk therapy can also help you deal with the practical day-to-day stresses and decision-making you face.

The situation you are in is untenable. Some changes are needed. You are trying to do the impossible and wondering why that isn't working well for you.

1) Get medical help for your own medical problem. (I suspect depression, but obviously you need a qualified diaganosis!)
2) Get practical help for the extremely challenging job you've taken on.

Sooboo, JessieBelle and the others who are caring for your elderly loved ones at home: You are amazing. Amazing, yet still humane so please give yourself a break! A while back I was visiting my mom at her nursing home, mom was asleep in her bed. After I spent some time tidying up her room I sat down and was watching her sleep. Even though we've always had a roller coaster relationship and the past few years have been very difficult- I know that I still love my mother. As I watched her sleep I began to think about how active she use to be but how empty her life had become. Out of nowhere I got the urge to put a pillow over her face! I can't believe I'm admitting to this! I'd never in a million years actually do something like that - and where the thought came from is beyond me. I horrified myself. The guilt for that 3 seconds will undoubtably last me the rest of my life. My point is - we are all just humane with frailties and flaws. Ordinary people doing extraordinary things and under extraordinary stress - especially you Angels that do this 24/7! Cut yourself some slack, okay?

And of course while you are humane - obviously I meant "human" not "humane" in my post.

Rainmom....you gave me a good chuckle! Laughter really is the best medicine! ;)

Thank you to everyone who responded. I really am over tired and borderline depressed, but I know if I could just rest a bit and get out more I could make it. I'm going to take your advice and see about getting some help in the home and see my gp. Mom is ambulatory when she's well and so far at 88 she has her mind (which she expresses freely and is hard to handle....I'm blessed she's a sweetheart ) I've just been thinking about what in the world would happen if I died. I'm fairly young, not yet 50, but I feel much older.

JesseBelle....I'm so glad God is merciful and he knows our true heart. He doesn't condemn us for thoughts that pop in our minds, but you and I both know we condemn ourselves. I'm learning that I can't always have my way, just like when raising my children, I had to give up some of my wants to meet theirs. It's basically the same and our flesh doesn't want to. It's hard not to be bitter at siblings when they ignore their responsibility. I know that I have to forgive him daily or I'll be eat up with anger and that's no good for me. There is a balance to cargiving and I'm aiming to find it. Bless you all for encouraging me.

Please do what babaloo said - it is against my nature too and I suffered complete mental breakdowns (nutters in the corner)
I lost my mind doing it alone for my mother and soon the anger I felt inside started to come out= first it was me just muttering I wished she would die, then I began thinking of ways to push her down the stairs or kill myself.
Forget those people you think will rescue you.
Please do what I did and pick up the phone. ((GIANT HUG)))!!!

Agreement here! A nice three month prescription of klonopin got me through a particularly rough spot - that and laughing! I'm happy you got a chuckle from my psycho moment. Just keep picturing me in an Anthony Perkins voice saying "Oh, mother"!

Oh I get those negative feelings, too. I use to be a happy go lucky type of gal until I got the triptik for this elderly journey with my parents.

Whoa, hey I am not trained for any of this. In fact, if I went to an Agency to be hired as a caregiver I wouldn't get a second interview.

I even asked my parents if they called an Agency and the Agency said they had a person who could come out but that person hated to cook, disliked housework, gets panic attacks when driving, wouldn't be able to pick you up if your fell, plus that person is pushing 70 years old.... would they accept that person? Their answer "of course not". Well, that person would have been me.

I have been so resentful of this whole journey. My parents never took care of their own parents so they had no clue how difficult that was going to be for me, only child with no children, and a sig other who is the master of excuses when it comes to helping.

I had a mini breakdown last weekend... I am literally shaking while I type this. Thank goodness I can get a full night sleep now that my Dad is in a senior living facility [Mom passed a few months ago] and my parents house is For Sale... I still have to finish cleaning out the house of 72+ years of stuff. It's just plain exhaustion. My parents should have done this years ago.

SooBoo................what you wrote is what I feel. I type, and I have goosebumps all over...................My mom loves me TOO much, and asked me the same thing: "Should you go and get some meds for the change?"..............I have a nifty hormone patch since big "H", aka 1999...........so, it is not the change.............I feel myself boiling inside and this SELF CONTROL is wearing very thin..........very...............

I have my appointment with therapist for first time next thursday.............

I DO NOT..............i repeat ...............I DO NOT want to / need to / wish to / have a MELT DOWN of any sort.

I take Klonopin already
I take Cymbalta already
I take Nortriptyline already

And I am 'somewhat' back to being 'myself'.................

Empathy..............definition................I FEEL YOUR PAIN IN MY HEART.

M 8 8

I do caregive 24/7

I don't know how any of you last years without help....I lasted three weeks and knew I was going to need chemical help. Got a prescription from the doctor and I think it's helping my anxiety and panic that developed after taking care of my mom 24/7 for three weeks. Saw a relative yesterday who knows everything going on, and she asked me why I wasn't my usual chipper self? I blamed it on the Meds (which it might be) but really, why would she even expect me to be my usual self?

Be practical, get some help...you deserve it, sooboo

Well, I'm off to go see Mother - hope there's no loose pillows in the room - JUST KIDDING! Actually I'm making hubby come along so I've got an excuse not to stay too long. But, yea freqflyer- my mom actually put her own mother in a nursing home - but when I had to place her she disowned me more than once saying I'd lost the right to caller "mother"! My mother retired early, traveled the world and did exactly as she pleased but I was suspose to move mom in with my family and stay home taking care of her. Negitive thoughts? H3ll yes!!!

freqflyer's talk about her parents not helping with their own parents is true for many of us. My parents didn't have anything to do with their own parents' care. My father didn't expect anything from me, but my mother feels I owe it to her.

I've only known three women who had family caregivers. Two of these are my mother and my aunt. My cousin took care of my aunt for 15 years and was over 70 when my aunt died. My cousin was broke and her life destroyed. She loved her mother, but to me it looked like the mother consumed her and left her with nothing. My mother is doing the same thing to me. She has no consideration for me at all. If I don't fend for myself, I'll end up like my cousin.

Why many of their generation feel entitled to use their children, I don't know. Most people I know don't. Most people I know live independently or in assisted living. I think family caregiving is fine under many circumstances, but not when it is going to harm the caregiver. When I think of my cousin and aunt, all I can say is shame on my aunt for doing that to her daughter. My cousin tried to place her once when it got bad, but my aunt guilted her into taking her home. Guess I better stop thinking of it. I get mad at this helpless situation.

We can only be as helpful as our circumstances allow.

Cannot take blood out of a turnip, right?

M 8 8

M88 You are so right. How are things going with you? Things have improved a bit here. The Dr. put "her" on a nerve pill and things are MUCH better. :-) She has calmed down now and is able to do some things for herself again. This gave me some time to get myself together, Lord knows I needed it. It feels good to come up for air and be able to float on top of the water for a while. I really hope I never have another episode like that, but I know its likely I'll have to do it again. Hopefully I learned some things this last time, like seek help from Home Health! Anyway, I haven't filed my nails in weeks, my eyebrows are hideous, but I did finally manage to paint my toes yesterday! I've been too tired and busy to even, care. I put a bedside commode in moms room for her to use at night during this last episode with pneumonia and that has saved me getting woke up several times at night and her having issues making it to the bathroom when she's just not strong enough. I just left it in there after she got strong enough to walk around again because it seems to be helping her. I double line the pot with small cheap kitchen trash bags and she ties it up and takes it out herself in the mornings. So far so good. We are learning what helps and what doesn't. While she was so sick this last time she had to have a warm cup of milk like twice during the night (I almost wanted to scream at 2 am!) Of course I did cry to myself and get mad. I felt like a worthless human being for griping about getting my sick little momma a cup of milk...I mean how many times did she get up and nurse me when I was a baby? It was actually like having a baby all over again though. You know that moment when you lay the baby down and walk away to count to 10? Yeah...... It seems she still wants warm milk at night. I was doing dishes one day and it dawned on me that we have this little thermos that holds maybe 2 cups of coffee so I tried it out one night. SHE LOVED IT! She went on and on at how smart that was to use that thermos. Now she has warm milk during the night and I get to sleep. ;) Win-win! Honestly, I pray about everything. These ideas just don't come from the air. God is helping me, He's taking care of us. He will take care of you too.

JesseeBelle How are you doing? Things have calmed down here. \0/

Well, the Dr put mom on Lexapro and 2-3 weeks later she has dementia. It was working great at first, her sleep pattern reset and she calmed down and was happy and then wham! We are going on 9-10 days off the drug and although I see much improvement she's not the same. The Dr wants to do an MRI and some labs because he feels the med didn't do this, that maybe she had a mini stroke. :-( I'm so tired. I'm thankful she's improving, but fear what's next. I don't fear as one who has no hope because I know God will strengthen me, but I am unfamiliar with the waters we are in and it's frightening. Yesterday I wanted to open the door and take off running as fast and as hard as I could just to break free from everything. I realize that is not the answer. Goodness! I've found myself comfort eating. NOT GOOD. I'm thankful she is content and seems happy, although she's with us more than she's not (mentally ) she knows something's not right with her which makes everything 5 times worse. That's all she talks about. What's wrong with me? How did I get this way? When am I going to get better? On and on and on and on for days and days. I have to admit that today has been better as far as her asking the same questions over and over again, she has the answers today, bless her heart.

Dear Soo; I'm also betting on a stroke, not the Lexapro.

In June of 2013, my mom suddenly started behaving just a bit strangely. She noticed it herself. I remeber that weekend, she decided she needed a hat (she had 5 summer hats in her IL apartment) so off we went to Target. She tried on all sorts of weird, inappropriate hats for about 45 minutes. At the end of that time she said to me "something's changed. I don't know what. But I've changed".

I called her doctor that afternoon and he asked that we make an appointment for a full neuro workup. The next day, mom decided that she must have a UTI and my brother and SIL took mom to the ER; test was positive and we all attributed the symptoms to the UTI.

Mom had a major stroke 3 days later. So yes, get that MRI!

I'm sorry you are having such a hard time and hope you will forgive yourself for all the things you're beating yourself about. You had awful thoughts? Join the club!

Look up "irrational guilt" and read about it. "Things were manageable until this last round of being sick." [A breakdown suggests things were not manageable.] "I would do anything in the world for her." [Including killing yourself in the process?] "I just don't know what to do but pray for strength and wisdom." [Strength and wisdom to do all the chores yourself?]

I hope your mom hasn't had a stroke. And even if she hasn't, I hope you will bring in some help so that you can have regular breaks from caregiving.

I don't understand the course of strokes very well. I know it can vary. Mom has been completely normal today. She said she feels like herself again. Is this normal for someone who has had a stroke? They have her scheduled for an MRI next Tuesday.

As far as getting help in the home, not everyone has the money to hire someone and as far as home health, I don't need someone to bathe her, she does that herself right now. I figure as long as I can receive encouragement through these times (rather than scolding) that when it gets where she can't do as much for herself then I can call home health in. I would like to take a couple hours for myself each week though, to keep from totally losing it. I need to see about that. I don't like the idea of strangers being alone with her in my home. I need to see if I can pull together a list of friends who would sit for 2 hours once a week. I'd rather pay them.

Thank you Babalou and NYDaughterinLaw. I'm doing my best. One step at a time.

After 3 sessions with the therapist, that's my solution to mom's clinginness.

Therapist said that I need time away from mom, and no guilt.

Hired M...... for 3 hours last Saturday and I am feeling a lot better. She'll be my respite person, whom I trust implicitly. I went "out", left a tiny bit of ironing for M......., and when mom saw that, went to her room and took a nap.
I am happy to see the light at the end of the tunnel...............
2 vacations in the works, one to northern California and the other, to the east coast in early October. I am not guilty! Therapy is really helpful for me.
Hubby's happy we're getting outta dodge, FINALLY!

M88

Mulatta88, I'm so glad you got some help. I'm working on it. I would LOVE to go away for even the night. The last time I was alone with my husband was in May of 2015. It may have been 2014...I can't remember. If I could get some help in the house it would be awesome.

Those negative feelings are simply something we have to put up with. I've been caring for Mom now for nine years. She has steadily gone down hill, and now her mind is nearly gone. She says things, I'm sure she doesn't mean, but it's hard to take. I have had to give up almost ten years of my life. My friends are no longer there for support. Everyone it seems has deserted me. Yes I know the feeling. We start having thoughts we never thought we were capable of. The fact is we also need to take care of ourselves! I'm finally giving in to getting some help with Mom. I know whe will not understand, and she will fight it. However my own health needs to be taken care of as well, especially my mental health. It has been so hard to keep a positive outlook. I realize I am already old myself, and I need to enjoy what time I have left. Hang in there, and get help when you need it. It has to get better!

Sooboo, Lexapro definitely doesn't cause dementia. If it or another drug has confusion as a side effect that is temporary and clears up when the drug is stopped. It is not true dementia.

Come back and let us know what the further testing shows. We are all on your side!

Thank you 2TiredinFlorida and jeannegibbs for taking time to post. Sometimes I feel like everyone is expecting me to know things. I don't know what kind of help I need although I do need some.

We have 5 more days until the MRI. Who knows how long the results will take. Am I supposed to be watching for signs of something? I know the basic signs of a stroke, but I've noticed bowel changes, occasional numbness in one hand which I thought was due to the curvature in her spine, she's colder than normal, but complains of sweating at night. I'm giving her little cups of diluted Gatorade to keep her electrolytes up. She asked me last night, "Do you think I'm dying?" Of course I said no. This morning as I type this, the gravity of that question is hitting me. My closest girlfriend, my teacher, my mentor, my momma is slipping away. I know it's appointed unto man once to die. A time to be born and a time to die. I know death is not the end. I know there is a better place for those who are in Christ Jesus. What I also know is all of this dying process is right here in my home. How will I ever be able to deal with it all when it's over. I was able to walk away from my parents house when my dad died and I moved mom in with me. Where can I go? I can't. How will I be able to stop glancing into her room 100 times a day or listening for noises through the wall that divides my bathroom from her bedroom? It's so overwhelming this morning. I believe I can answer my own question though.....one day at a time. I want to bring her as much joy and comfort as I can for as long as it's needed and I can do it with The Lord!

MRI is today. Spent time yesterday convincing her that my retired RN cousin who lives 20+ hours away was not meaning any harm when explaining the MRI to her. After their conversation mom was red hot mad and that is not my momma. She wasn't having a scan, she wasn't going, it's so-in-so's fault she's the way she is...etc. My cousin is the sweetest woman you could know, but right now mom is EXTREMELY impressionable and things "stick" in her mind badly! Mom suffers from Bronchiectasis and she has spells where she coughs hard. Her coughing was concerning her so she asked my cousin who told her she can't cough during the test. In moms mind it made her angry that I was making her take a scan. Sigh.... I finally talked her through it reminding her that she is impressionable right now and then she remembered that she is impressionable and the conversation was over. Breaks my heart. She has done so much better the last 3 days. I'm thankful. Anyway, the scan is today. HERE WE GO!