I have so many negative feelings that are against my nature. I feel so guilty.

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I feel selfish, greedy, whiney....you name it...I feel it. The thoughts that run through my head are awful. How could I feel this way about caring for my own momma? She has lived with me since my dad passed which will be 5 years this October. Things were manageable until this last round of being sick. I about had a breakdown. My sibling is as good as non existent. I was left with caring for my dad until he died, now I'm caring for mom without one minute of support or one dime of help. Anyway, I know anger is behind alot of how I feel. No anger that I have to caregive, but anger I am doing it alone. I miss time with my husband, I miss working outside, I miss play dates with my grandkids, I miss grocery shopping (I'm very grateful for Walmart and their online grocery order and pickup..it's saved me). I'm struggling. I love my mom with all of my heart, I would do anything in the world for her and I feel I am. I'm just tired and tear up easy. I feel so guilty over how I feel. She asked me if I was through the change yet. :>( Bless her heart she's just trying to understand why I am so sad. What was I going to say? How I really feel? I won't do that. I just tell her I'm tired and need a nap (which I seldom get). She's been so easy to get along with in the past, but we are dealing with fear of dying now, she denies it but I can tell. She is obsessed with her health care and wants me to nurse her like I'm a private nurse. Some days I just don't know what to do but pray for strength and wisdom. I feel guilty about hiring a sitter.....you can't trust just anyone. She is so easily frightened which worsens her anxiety level, which puts her down for days. I don't guess I really know what i'm asking other than how to deal with all of these negative feelings. I fear too and my main fear is regrets. I don't want any regrets, but I'm quickly realizing it's impossible because you will feel bad about your negative feelings if nothing else....even if you never voiced them.

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Hoosiersister, I am sorry you are going through this. Follow through with the suggestions given you here and press through to get some help. Don't feel bad for venting, that's why we are all here. 👍What your brother did was wrong. I could share about siblings, but I will remain quiet.

We got the results back from the MRI on my mother. She did not have a stroke. She has small vessel disease and shows to have moderate nerve damage. The Dr's response relayed to me through his nurse was, "It will get worse". Uh, thanks! Anyway, we will see him this Tuesday at which time I will address the lack of compassion! I've done some research that says she will basically have vascular dementia. Although she has improved greatly after stopping the Lexapro, she still has issues. Momma has Bronchiectasis which causes bouts of chronic coughing. She is on oxygen 24/7. The oxygen use increases her risk with small vessel disease. She's not getting blood flow to the brain. They told me that her platelets are very low also. I will talk to the Dr about that Tuesday. It breaks my heart, but my mom's is a strong woman and she's being a trooper. She has regained much of her mind, but I'm finding myself doing more and more for her, it's smothering at times. I feel like a personal companion, nurse and secretary. These cities should be divided among siblings. After rearranging her room I organized her paperwork and with her instruction I organized it where I would know how to manage it. We consolidated files and simplified her routine. My hardest things I'm dealing with right now is her wanting me at night. She says, "Come by once in a while". I've decided I will just have to wake up and check her then go back to bed. I've forgotten how the "check the baby" routine wears you out! She also keeps saying, "Honey, you've got to watch out for me, I'm liable to say or do anything". I explained that I can't be with her every second, I have to cook and clean, etc. She agreed this is true so we decided she would talk to the folks she talks to the most and tell them to allow for her and if she says anything unusual or tries to give anything away to call me. Oh boy! I'm enjoying her while I have her. I'm trying to think of what I need to know while she can remember. I was born late in life so all of my aunts and uncles who are living are her age and will be leaving me too. It's a sad place right now. I had a heart to heart talk with her yesterday and she feels bad that I'm carrying the responsibility of her, but I reassured her it was an honor. I told her that the hardest part for me was staying in this house when she's gone. We do everything together. She told me what to take out so I wouldn't have to see it and to set a few pictures of her around so I will see her face. Oh my goodness, I cried and cried. She's not a crier, but I could tell she was hurting for me. Once again, I put on the "Rat Queen" crown for making her feel bad. 😩She looked at me and said, "I told you I'm gonna live til Jesus comes! " 😉 I'm so thankful God cares about us and hears us when we cry. If it weren't for the hope we have in Him we would surely crumble under it all. My desire is to hope in the Lord at all times. Faith like my momma. If God can save you, don't you think He's able to keep you through the hard times? OH YES! \0/
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Legally, you are not responsible for your sister. Call your local Area Agency on Aging and discuss the alternatives.
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Hoosiersister, I am surprised to read that your counselor says things this! "Because I think if I hear one more person, including my counselor for crying out loud, say to me, "If not you, who?", or "You're doing such a good job", "You're an angel for doing this"

Your sister complains to your husband about you? I'd want her out. I second JessieBelle's comment - tell the county you aren't available and let THEM figure out where she goes.
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Hi JessieBelle. Thanks for your reply..I wasn't clear when I said my sister isn't sick enough for a nursing home..especially when I said I feed her. I make the food, and she eats it. She is ambulatory, she dresses herself, takes a shower by herself, and can physically feed herself. She was recently assessed for a Medicaid Waiver and turned down. She doesn't qualify for regular Medicaid in my state. She's over the income limit, and that hurts a lot of things. I am her POA (my brother was for one month. Brought me the papers, said "Sign here". I didn't know what I was getting into. I had no idea until a week ago that being POA doesn't work with Social Security. Didn't know that the Medicare prescription program she was put on only worked for California. I have to hurry and do something because her Medicare starts August 1st. Anyway, Area 7 Agency for Aging and Disabled said that it makes them feel bad, but some people fall through the cracks, and she's one of them.
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Hoosier, this definitely isn't your job. If you do all the ADLs for your sister, she should be able to qualify for placement in a facility with Medicaid. I would contact the county and say I wasn't available anymore and she needed to have a place to go. If they know you won't keep doing it if pressed, they are more likely to find a solution for her.
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I'm not taking care of my aging parents. I'm taking care of my sister who is two years older than me. She had a stroke, was brought from another state to me by my brother, who then dusted his hands and left me high and dry. I have another brother, an RN, who has refused to talk to us since my sister had her stroke. She is not bad enough to qualify for a nursing home, and we don't have enough money for assisted living. So she lives with me, and I take care of her 24/7. My life has been ruined. I know that's mean. I'm at the point where I don't care. She can't read, can't take care of her own medications, cook, etc. I do her laundry, feed her, doctor's appointments, etc. Navigating the social services system has been hell. Trying to find/provide medical records other than for just this stroke is ridiculous. My sister is 64, 65 in August, and lived with an 81 year old roommate who had taken her in. She knows very little about my sister. My sister and I were not close, so I know very little about her life, other than the fact that she moved from person to person throughout her life getting them to take care of her, even when she worked. So who is stuck with her for the rest of her (my) life? Tada. My attitude wasn't like this at first. But she is suffocating me. She listens to every conversation I have, complains to my husband about me (he doesn't appreciate it, and sees what is happening)....It's hell for me. It's like taking care of a chkid who is in need of care, but resents it, so she's going to be bad. She lies, she manipulates. Grrrr. Ok, I know I crashed your forum, btv I've no one else to talk to. Because I think if I hear one more person, including my counselor for crying out loud, say to me, "If not you, who?", or "You're doing such a good job", "You're an angel for doing this" I feel like I'm going to go full on ballistic at them. Thanks for "listening".
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Rainmom......
I laughed.
That's been a long time since i sincerely laughed,thank you for your humor.
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I feel the same.
Thank you for sharing these comments. I feel I'm reading my words on my life.
My mom.
Her fears,my fears,no naps,shave your legs?@$%@!(humor) ......
GOOD MORNING TO YOU ALL
It sometimes reminds me of "ground hogs day",the movie when I open my eyes every morning. At least y'all made me realize I'm not nuts, It just comes with the duty of caregiver♡
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I didn't see what your mother's conditions are in your profile. You said that she had some weakness on one side. Is that right? And that she was acting odd? Is she being seen by a neurologist? Is that who prescribed the Lexapro, then discontinued it? Did it seem to help her?
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Thank you Babalou. I feel like I'm not doing enough, but we don't run on feelings.....we do what we can and keep walking. AMEN! I will start charting things with her, that's a great idea. She is right as rain (as I call it) this morning, I'm enjoying it. I have a friend coming to sit with her for a few hours this morning so I can take my daughter to an appointment, she's chronically ill also. We are working on trying to get a diagnosis. So much going on. I'm excited about getting a little reprieve. Speaking of groceries....the online Walmart grocery shopping has saved me! I can actually get everything we need at once then either go pick it up with mom or send someone. It is a HUGE blessing.
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