Follow
Share
Read More
This discussion has been closed for comment. Start a New Discussion.
Find Care & Housing
1 2 3
There was a T'giving movie years back that had a scene I'll always think about. Two sisters had been arguing. One went to the other to smooth things out and the sister told her - if we were not related, we would never have been friends.

My family has always been extremely close and I know it's my mom who is the real glue. She always ensured there were family holidays with everyone present even during the hard times when it was only our immediate family seated at the table. (Long story, but there was a period of time we were totally broke and dad's family, who we lived closest to, made plans to do other things at holidays that did not include us).

As I travel this road of 24/7 caregiver with very little help from 4 siblings, I see everyone a little differently. I do love each one of them very much, but several times I've thought about - would we be friends if we weren't related. I do wonder what life without mom will become in regard to siblings.

The only thing I wonder about in your situation is did the brother live with parents and provide the 24/7 care for them? Maybe others could learn from that situation to consider that service when dividing up what's left from a life.
(5)
Report

Sorry to say I found out I was adopted after my mom died. I am ok with the news now that I have had time to digest. My older sister and younger sister do not speak to each other now. My older sister new about my adoption where my younger sister and I did not. This was the final thing that divided them further apart. They are both in the same state I am not. So I am in the middle once again! They never saw eye to eye now they don’t even speak!
DL
(0)
Report

Trust me I understand what you are going through and feeling. My older brother passed away from cancer 4 years ago. Since his death my family was torn apart. My sister (she’s 7 years older then I am but 11 months older then my brother who passed away) wasn’t ever really close with the family however was always around and popped in from time to time. My younger brother (he’s 7 years younger then me) completely stopped talking to my parents. I became the go between and communicator to the family to try and keep everyone somewhat in the other’s life. My parents have been divorced for 40 years and each had remarried. Anyways, since my brother passed the family has like I said torn apart and we used to be so close. Now my Mom had to be put into a nursing home because of her health (her husband passed away 7 years ago and she was alone living in her apartment at the age of 90). We all know it’s just a matter of time before our Mom passes yet still my brother will not have anything to do with my Mom and my sister is still doing her own thing blaming everyone else for her problems. I’m stressed beyond belief trying to keep my family in “the know” of my Mom’s situation with no real support. I’ve never felt so heartbroken with my family before. I feel so alone because of the how divided they’ve become. My Dad asks about my brother and I have to come up with excuses so as not to break my Dad’s heart. He’s trying to reach out to my brother but my brother shuts him out. My Mom (when I speak to her at the nursing home) asks for my brother and I have to make excuses. She’s fragile and I literally can’t break her heart. My sister again does what she feels is best for “herself” and goes about her business. I literally am the mediator for my family and a lot of the times I have to lie. I’m married and have 2 adult children and I’ve been truly blessed with that part of my life. So, as insane as it may sound I understand how you’re feeling. It’s heartbreaking and I have a void in my heart because my family hasn’t been the same family unit we used to be since my older brother passed away. There is a lot more to the story of my family’s division after my brother passed away, however, I just wanted you to know that you are not alone on what you’re going through. I rely on my faith for comfort strength. I wish you the best. You’ll be in my prayers.
(3)
Report

Yes,absolutely lost everyone.Still an ongoing attack,..and I've done nothing wrong.
greedy relatives.Have health issues from stress,..I see people as mainly bad now.
(1)
Report

Sorry Mjustice98, sisters are not more inclined to be/stay closer. How I wish that were true. To
Caregiverhelp11, I agree with others here. Go find some friends, perhaps with a hobby you have? Your brothers have made their intentions clear. I say to myself "pff...it's their loss." I agree you are grieving loss of your mom and brother relationships at the same time. You have a choice to make-do you continue to mourn the loss of the 3 for the rest of your time on earth too? Or do you pick yourself up, pick some friends (bc you can't pick your family) and live the life you have left? Some people are using Covid as an excuse to not make active decisions. You can still go out while taking precautions. Or zoom or better yet get some therapy w/o having to leave your house if you still don't trust being out & about. Also, what will happen to your estate? I hope you consider agencies that don't treat you like your brothers do. Dr Phil has a saying that is one of my favorites "people treat you, the way you allow them to treat you."
I commend you for splitting the house proceeds 3 ways, it could have been way messier. You sound like a fair and honest person. Families don't appreciate that enough. Believe me, I and many others on this site could go on & on about family DYSfunction after death of our parents/family members. Hang in there!
(5)
Report

I saw this happen when my grandparents died four years apart. My mom and her sister and brother had a huge fallen out. Usually it's over money. One sibling takes charge and other 2 disagree how it's handled. Grief is a huge factor also. You received some great advice here. Time to be strong and move on. Try not to Take it to personal. Men are wired different from women. They may not realize how you are feeling. So sorry for your loss. Take care😇
(4)
Report

I am curious though: The brother who didn't work and lived with your parents rent free--did he take care of the house, the parents, and the million other things that need to be done for the elderly? Did he not work because he had given up his freedom to care for your parents while you were free to live your life relatively unfettered by your parents' needs? Looking at the situation from that perspective it would seem that he did all the "hard" work and you and your other brother rather got an equal share while he was made homeless.
(7)
Report

I Was in tears at your story, and I am crying as I type this. I just lost my mother on September 23, and we were very close. I lost my dad 5 years ago, but for some reason, it didn't hit me quite as hard. My Lord, I don't know what I would do if I lost my only brother. I only have a couple of friends, really. Your story breaks my heart, if there is some way we can communicate, exchange email addresses or something, or if the only way we can communicate is through this website, let it be done. I want to reach out to you, as another human being who shares your pain.
(8)
Report

This is common when my mother was a caregiver for my grandmother her and her sister & brother kept in contact and visited often, after my grandmother passed there has been no contact or communication, now I am my mother’s caregiver she has LBD and I don’t even know if her sister & brother are still living.
And if they are alive and pass we will never know. My mother is 92 her sister should be 95 and brother 87.
(0)
Report

Dear Caregiverhelp11,
I am going to be a little vague about some details. I don't want my extended family to read this and identify myself too much. We had an immediate family member die 20 yrs ago, who was not married and died when he was 70, with no one left other than me and my siblings.
Our relative owned a vacation home and he left it to me and my siblings. My brother and I began working on the vacation home doing things like cutting grass and painting from the time we were big enough to push a lawnmower, and trim bushes, and rake leaves as the seasons changed at our cottage. We would typically use it between May-late September or early October. Myself, and two other siblings shared ownership, only two of us financially paid up on insurance, taxes, and maintenance after our relative died. Unbeknown to me my siblings had set up the property and put it in a Trust with them as Trustees before our relative died.
After several years of my DW and I paying half of the bills on the cottage one of my siblings decided they were going to buy everyone out exercising a provision that they could buyout the others without any notice. The price they paid was minimal as the cottage was old. The taxes on the cottage were double what I paid on our four bedroom house with three baths and a two car garage.
The sibling buying us out decided everyone would share equally out of the price paid to buy us out. Their were four other siblings to share the proceeds with, but my DW and I were paying half of all of the expenses and none of the others paid a dime. I asked to be repaid what we had paid in maintenance and taxes. The lawyer said no, unless I sued my sibling for expenses I would not be reimbursed but my legal expenses would take up any additional money I could get. I walked away from them all 15 yrs ago, and I've never spoken with them since.
I've chosen to just get on with my life and live it with my DW. These types of things happen in families all over the world. My recommendation is to not get involved in financial matters unless you are willing to consider it as money lost that you know you'll never see again.
I am still bitter about what happened 15 yrs ago. Is that the right way to be, no but I am stubborn. I'll send up some prayers for you to overcome your grief and to be able to continue on without letting this consume you. You can't change anything about what happened it is in our history. I too never dreamed my siblings would treat me this way.
Good Luck.
(6)
Report

yes, your situation is similar to mine. My sister lives in family home for 40 years rent free, even though my mom thinks she is paying. My family was super close but after my mom got sick with dementia, everything fell apart. I am POA and everyone hates me because they say i want to be the boss and like you had to put my foot down. Everyone has opinions and you see the true sides to people. Things became clear to me and pieces of the puzzle started coming together. The reality was we weren't close, my mom was keeping us together and my sister is selfish. I had to find a way to move on and find a better life with other people. Try and make new friends and move forward in a positive direction and do positive things for yourself... you did nothing wrong. You sold the house and split it 3 ways, Totally fair. What did he expect. Move forward .... it is terrible but be strong and stay positive... We can only help ourselves..and especially with covid -- its the worst... try an app like "meetup" it helped my mother-in-law from being lonely- it is not a dating app, it is a app that you do things around your area and others meet too to do the same... Good luck wishing you the best.
(5)
Report

Your family problem seems to be poverty and chronic unemployment or underemployment. No one, including you, appears to work regularly (except
perhaps your younger, distant brother, perhaps?) and you have no friends and no significant others outside your family. Your brother probably expected to keep the house because he has been “taking care” of your parents and exploiting them at the same time. Then he tried to exploit you in the same manner. Perhaps it you who is naive. His closeness to you sounds more like a desire to keep you in check and on a string. Now that both your parents are gone and you wouldn’t allow yourself to be taken advantage of by moving in with him, he has no further need of you. It sounds like the other brother has wanted to keep you and your brother at arms length all along.

The best advice anyone can give you is to try to discover who YOU are by immediately obtaining gainful employment and joining some groups that may help you make some friends and feel less lonely. If you can’t bring yourself to work, volunteer to help others and stop relying on your siblings to make your life whole. It is quite obvious that they are not interested and your perception of being close in the past may not be real. In our family, there were other types of dysfunction, but we never kidded ourselves by believing we were close. With our parents gone and no longer feeding the competitiveness that characterized all of our relationships from the day we were born, we find we are closer, more forgiving and far less competitive. Every family has these kinds of unique characteristics that must be addressed after our parents die.
(2)
Report

Id say it’s more a difference bc they are men, if you had sisters they are more likely to be closer. The brother that left after the sale of the house was probably hanging around for that reason. Not saying it’s good or bad.

My brother is similar to yours and my sister will call so much I have to put her on silence and she lives in another state lol

Im more an introvert and we barely notice the pandemic, for others I can only imagine.

There are a lot of places and people you can interact via the internet, your family of origin is just your baseline. Some folks have none and have to work harder others have that illusion of family and feel like they have to reach out.

Manage your expectations, men are generally not as emotionally connected as us women especially if they already have a wife that’s taken their focus.

Since the pandemic, I adopted a baby parrotlet, completed major yard work and joined various Facebook groups to work on different topics I never got around to :)

A lot of these groups have zoom meetings, after the pandemic everyone can meet in person if you like that to do that sort of thing
(1)
Report

I am so sorry to hear that this has happened to you as it recently happened to me as well. My mother died a month ago and shortly before her death appointed my brother executor and POA. She was a malignant narcissist That destroyed my relationship with one of my brothers. The other brother is disabled and unable to make any cognitive decisions. I to find myself alone, lonely, and without the support. My estranged brother is angry I had to detach from her and cut contact w her the last 2 months. Please know the people on this forum care about you and have experienced a lot of the same problems you have. Counseling helps as does reaching out to others during this pandemic. Please understand things will get better and you will stronger. Hugs 🤗
(4)
Report

We all tend to believe "our" side of the story. When my father passed, my only brother and i did fine. He did most of the work, so when it came to stuff that wasn't allocated to either, he got it with no problem..But when my aunt died, he placed himself in the position to inherit almost all. I saw the mind games, "you can't afford to help anyone, you might need it for yourself"..I won't take care of you, if you leave your estate to your grand daughter, let someone else do it"..the daily phone calls i would get from him when he needed advice to none when everything was fixed.

But you know what, he DID take good care of my aunt. I would be lying if i didn't say it still doesn't bother me. But I have good memories of my time with her and the most important thing is she was well taken care of. I don't have much to do with him anymore, not because i don't love him but i just don't like the way he is.
(4)
Report

I understand you. My family fell apart after my dad died 18 years ago. I have 2 sisters and 3 brothers and my mom is still alive but no one really cares for each
other anymore or makes any plans to see each other. My mom is distant too.

I live with my 17 year old son and we are close but not with extended family.
I notice that here in America, families are different. People all go their separate way, especially when money is involved and when they have their own family
with wife and kids.

Advice for you: meet someone nice, go online to date, make new friends even
if it seems challenging because in the end, it is really the connections you make
(outside of your brothers) that matters. You can find happiness and not be lonely by meeting new people. You would be surprised where you can also offer your services, whatever they may be, to people who need you!

I am 50 years old now and one of the hardest things for me was to let go
of my family because I needed to grow and to understand that I was not going to have support from them. I have a very narcissistic family and everyone is so selfish and just into their own happiness. But every rope must be cut.
(5)
Report

After living in your moms house for so long, he probably considered it his and never dreamed you would kick him out and sell it.  If he was there to take care of your mom and maintained the home, I could possibly see an argument to be made, but I read your response to another poster that he did not maintain anything, so...

Unfortunately, what you are experiencing is very common.  Once the matriarch of the family passes, things kind of fall apart.  It is very sad and I am sorry you are feeling so lonely.  I think you might have to be the one to initiate conversations and get togethers if you want to see them.

Take care.
(6)
Report

after reading all these comments I hope u know u r not alone as many of us go through family drama. Nothing is going to change by you sitting at home being depressed. Only you can change your self. You need to take a shower, do your hair, put on on some make up and get out in to the world. I know Covid makes things difficult but things are slowly opening up. Go treat yourself to a good meal. Go to bookstore. Do something that you’ve always wanted to do. Or if anything maybe volunteer somewhere. The choice is yours. It’s your life. If your brothers are not treating you right, then let them be. Your mom will always be your angel and will guide you through the bad times and good times. Never lose your faith. You will be okay!
(4)
Report

I’m so sorry for these loses in your life. Complicated grief on many levels. My husband and I have resigned ourselves to the fact that after his mother dies we will more then likely never hear from his sisters and their families again. They’re just not nice women and are basically man haters who hate their brothers. The MIL started to become nice to me when her dementia started settling in. Prior to that, I was never welcomed into her world with her daughters. I’m a very nice, caring, compassionate, giving and fun person. All I ever wanted was a family to return my love. I foolishly assumed this would be the case when I married into my husband’s family. I
certainly have been deeply disappointed, as this hasn’t happened. We help out with the MIL and avoid the sisters at all costs.
All I can tell you is that there are so many single moms out there who would love your emotional and physical support . There are teen girls who need mentors and elderly who would love to have a “daughter of the heart.” As adults, we learn that blood family often abandons us and things don’t turn out the way we assumed they would. We can however, reach out to those not related by blood and create an imperfect and enriching “family” of our choosing.
Best wishes to you.
(9)
Report

I know the feeling. My mom passed a couple years ago. I'm the youngest of 3 children and was the closest to my mom. My father passed on many years prior. Since my mom's death, I feel like I'm an only child. My only contact with my siblings is via text. We all live in different states. No one has made an effort for us to get together other than me and even then - one sibling made an excuse to not make it. It's heartbreaking to see what happens to the family dynamic once the parents are gone. My only advice to you is to force yourself to get out (safely) and try to find a job, even if it's part-time. Connect with friends whether it be via social media, text, phone. Friends sometimes can be the best medicine, even if you live in different states. Depression and loneliness can swallow you up; try to fight it as best you can.
(4)
Report

Your situation is not unusual, unfortunately. Your parents trusted your ability to handle their financial affairs, knowing you would be fair and honest with your brothers. The brothers obviously don't recognize nor appreciate the weight of the responsibilities required to fulfill your parents wishes. With that behind you, there's little you can do to enrich the relationship with either brother. One took advantage of your parents and now resents you for taking away his undeserved free ride. He's lucky you did not deduct his years of free living from his share. The other has a wife with its responsibilities. People grow up and apart based on developed interests. During these times of isolation, loneliness is intensified. I urge you to develop other outlets that will lessen the fixation on what you feel you've lost with your brothers. Read a series, do online courses, or other hobby you enjoy. Daily walks are therapeutic. My brothers contact me at their convenience and it always involves a need. Yours have chosen not to reciprocate your sense of family. Be available, on your terms. You and I were likely the main contributors, all along.
(2)
Report

I can totally relate. I’m the youngest of seven girls. I recently lost my mom and two sisters as well. I was co-trustee and did the best to follow my moms wishes to sell her million dollar house and split it equally amongst us seven. Well one sister wanted her son to buy the house $200k less and the other sister wanted to her husband to sell house so he could get commission. Things got real ugly. My two sisters made my life a living h*ll for months. We tried using my brother in law as realtor but after 70 days on mkt there was zero progress. So I hired another realtor who sold it in 2 wks.

it was so stressful being the co-trustee and trying to sell house during Covid and dealing with the loss of my mom. And to top it off these two sisters hardly ever visited my mom at her nursing home after my mom had a stroke and severe case of dementia.

its so sad how there are so many selfish, greedy people in this world. I cannot believe these are my sisters. They both treated my so bad, humiliated me in front of other family members, cussed me out, etc.

the house is sold and everyone got their share. Thanks to me a lot more then anyone anticipated. I know in my heart my mom would be proud of me. I Just figured it’s their loss - I don’t need toxic people in my life. I cannot believe I’m related to them. I just miss my mom so much
(6)
Report

This is all too common, both issues, family becoming distant and loneliness. My siblings and I aren’t particularly close, more like okay with each other. I’ve accepted that I cannot change this. I hope you’ll accept that your brothers aren’t likely to change and it’s on you to make changes in your life. Start with talking to your doctor, say the current meds aren’t helping. Go back to work, your isolation and loneliness are far bigger curses than Covid, follow the protocols and be careful, but sitting alone at home all day is soul crushing. Decide you’ve got to put yourself “out there” in social situations, in however small ways. Make small talk with people you encounter, cashiers, workers, librarians, it helps you and them both, just to reach out, plus you never know where you might find a friend. I think the world and our country is going to find out some consequences of Covid like intense loneliness for many have been far worse than anyone could have known. I’m glad you reached out and wish you well in changing the dynamic in your life
(5)
Report

Nothing is Ever the Same when any parent Dies..family Falls Apart, No Heart.
(2)
Report

I have gone thru a similar situation and what was sad siblings refuse to sit down and discuss how we could care for my mother. In the midst of all the chaos I discovered my two sisters had a grudge against my mother and brothers were more concerned inheritance! I have been disowned by my siblings, but it's amazing how people act when they don't get what they want monetary or material possessions. You will have to move on because siblings can act crazy or become bitter with life because of decisions they made and take their frustrations out on you and resent you as well! All you can do is forgive them and move on with your life and stop punishing or feeling sad for yourself because it's not you who has the problem, Focus on you, make friends because I have friends who love, accept and support me more than my own siblings! My siblings hate me and I can live with it because I know I have done right by my parents who are deceased now. Sometimes, you will ponder about your situation and it will bother you but as long as you know you done all you can do, keep looking forward and regain your joy! If no one else loves you, learn to love yourself!
(6)
Report

So sorry for the many losses you have experienced. I suggest you find some work, even part time that interests you. Find things that make you happy and get some exercise like walking. That will increase your good feelings about yourself and health. Your brothers have chosen the kind of life they want to live. Choose yours. Reach out to make friends or a friend. Friends can become closer than family members and I find them much less judgmental. Maybe even walking closer to the Lord or watching church online can be inspiring for you. When I lost my brother last year, journaling my feelings helped me and praying. I hope you take the time to focus on your needs and figure out how to enjoy the rest of your life. Peace.
(2)
Report

Look, you are in a difficult situation. There are a lot of selfish people in the world, including in our families as well. But there are also many kind people who would like to help you out. Perhaps you already know some, or you can find them.

It would be good to get some counselling advice. You can't deal with these problems on your own. I understand that you are discouraged. Who wouldn't be? However, there is a way ahead. There is a card company here in England (www.izzyandpop.com) that has an appropriate card for you: "Hey there fighter, things will get brighter." I think that given the challenges of Covid-19 I could send that card to anyone I know! At times you may not feel like a fighter, but you did ask for help on this website . .. and unlike many people who ask for help here you have already responded to some suggestions.

My experience with some of my close relatives is that they are best left to be . . . with minimal contact from me (an occasional letter or phone call on their birthdays). If they have settled into a selfish pattern of behavior, it will be very difficult to encourage change. If their selfishness is impacting your life, then you do have to tackle it, but otherwise, I don't think you can do much about it.

Be encouraged. Some people do care.
(3)
Report

It seems this is one of those "everyone has a story" situations. It happened to my mom and her sister after their mom died. In the mid-80s, my parents retired 150 miles away from where I grew up in order to be close to my grandma and aunt (with whom she lived). So ties were pretty strong there. Mom's name and her sister's name were on everything so that when Grandma died, everything became theirs. Sadly it wasn't that simple and there ended up being a rift. My mom died in July and was never reconciled to her sister. I tried maintaining a relationship with my aunt but she began returning my letters with "Deceased" written on the outside in her own handwriting. My aunt eventually moved to another state with a cousin and I understand now that she has dementia and is in a nursing home. This aunt was my favorite aunt growing up, she gave me the best memories of childhood, so it broke my heart when the division came. My sister and I have promised each other to not allow this to happen to us. Hopefully we will hold on to that when dad passes.
(5)
Report

If I were your brother I would have never agreed to stay with my parents since they made you DPOA, moved out and start worrying about myself--getting a job, buying my own home. Why? He is going to have to do it now and he is 18 years without work experience so it's going to get hard--BUT that is a decision he made so he has to live with that.

If you are not retired or on disability those psych meds will not replace the necessity of getting a job yourself. So if you have no income or living off of unemployment--which is not permanent--I would stop worrying about my brothers and make getting a job top priority. Do this before unemployment runs out and pray your car does not break down.

I took care of my mom for 15 years and she died with the worst kind of Alzheimer's to the point she did not respond to the environment, but kept very comfortable and secure with a feeding tube, good care, and she died of other natural causes. But she was full-time 24/7 care even to the point I had to manage her bowels (I had to induce bowel movements three times a week or she could get impacted through lactulose and enemas). She died with perfect skin, and very peacefully that even hospice was surprised they never had to open the emergency package at age 90. She had multiple health problems--insulin dependent diabetes, kidney disease from diabetes, metabolic syndrome..etc etc. but managed very well.

I had to re-establish my life, working, re-entered university just to focus on myself instead of centering my life around mom, and still recovering from mom's loss and it has been nearly a year ago. It's been horrible since for years and years and years the center of my life was mom -- the moment I woke up to the point I went to bed it was mom's care.

I can do things now I could never do before like go out of town to the mall with my best friend. Yeah I have to work but hey it's back to the pulse of life. You know? You gotta fight for that.
Worry about yourself.
Your brother is an adult he has to worry about himself.
YOU take care of YOU.
BE YOUR OWN CAREGIVER
(5)
Report

Me too. However, the hatred was always present. Subverted. Denied outrightly. Sneakily she connived the entire family from having any respectableness for me at my Mothers death. She was the POA. Denied me access to visit my mother at her apartment. When I did my mom said I don’t want to be here. She had a second bedroom and out my mom in it and went her way. She had done something so monstrously separating my mother and me from seeing each other in the last year of her life. My mother looked confused as she had AlHeimers. I visited my mom in the nursing home attended physical therapy, dined together and cooked food for her which we ate together and was so happy. The day my mom was released she brought me home and my mother was denied to step foot in her house. It was her way of getting access to her. Maybe she enjoyed seeing us kite suffernto Death. She won. I still live in the family house with sorrows. Once my Dad and Aunt were living here I did everything for no pay ten+ years if my life with no real income. I’m broke. All I had went to them. Whatever I could do I did and she squashed everything from all of us for self. A division of assets. I wouldn’t say that she kept the cash largely and said don’t demand anything. A few months back she visited saying we her husband had Covid19. What does she expect that I will take care of her. She knows I gave all I had and she wanted to be the winner. Note to the loving siblings do your part but not overboard without securing your future as well. No one will care When your penniless and Liose your own mind. Sadly, I took care of my cousins parent as well and no THANKYOU. I’m sorry to say they went to City hall signed the papers I wasn’t alive. Mom, sister, two living male cousins. I’m a dead woman writing this note. Only God knows I’m alive. God blessings.
(1)
Report

1 2 3
This discussion has been closed for comment. Start a New Discussion.
Start a Discussion
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter