I want to scream! Having hard time as Mom's executor.

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I have told my husband how hard it is for me having an a disorder and have to go through all the stuff as moms executor. Plus the complications cause of moms choices before she died and my brother. The only response I get is. Your. doing a. good job. Everything has complications. Or uh huh when I say how hard this is. And he says it in a normal conversational voice. Like, it's no big deal. The only time he sounds emotional is when he tells me I'm doing a good job.

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I echo RainMom's thoughts.
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Jeannegibbs hit on something that I've been biting my tounge on - believe it or not - so I'm just gonna say it. Barbara- you've openly expressed several times that you have an anxiety disorder. I believe you've said you were in therapy in the past, took medication for your anxiety but that you no longer are in therapy. I know I've seen it many times, suggestions that you consider therapy again. But it seems you are resisiting that path. Earlier I suggested a website that focuses on either anxiety or relationships because I also remember you making this almost identical post a few weeks ago. Evidently the replies didn't work or you chose not to follow them - because here you are with the same issue and nothing's changed. The thing is - while everyone here is so smart, so sympathetic- caring, generous and when it comes to elder care I trust this group like no other. I can't say enough about how much I respect the people here - but none of us can really help you in the personal, one-on-one, therapy-trained manner that you need right now. It seems to me you are at a peaking point regarding your stress and emotions - I base this on the many posts you have initiated in the past month and what you express in these posts. You've got a whole lot on your plate right now - dealing with death of a parent regardless of how you felt about your mom, a disabled brother who is clueless to the workings of everyday life and looking to you, an estate to settle, and Lord, let's not forget the colonoscopy- which all by itself is enough to make a perfectly centered individual hide under the bed! Given your anxiety disorder wouldn't it make sense to seek out a trained therapist to help ease your load? Wouldn't you like to get this all better under your control rather this all controlling you? Heaven knows, even the strongest of individuals need help from time to time.
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My mother had some kind of a seizure and had emergency brain surgery (many years ago). My husband, Coy, was working out of town for a couple of weeks around that time. We talked nightly by phone. He never once asked about my mother!!! OMG. What kind of a monster had I married?

Well, Coy was raised in an orphanage because his mother couldn't support the family after his father died. He had a different set of emotional attachments than I did. I came to accept that his attachment to our blended family was deep and fierce, but attachments to extended family was foreign to him. And I decided that I would rely on others, not him, for support in that area. Over the years he came to be very fond of my siblings and parents and formed bonds with them. I am glad he changed, but I had made a conscious decision to accept him as he was and to get my needs met in other ways.

Barbara, are you in therapy right now? I would think you could use some external support through this difficult time. It appears you cannot count on it from your husband in the way you'd like it. You have us, of course, to vent to, but I wonder if that is enough.

Are you in therapy?
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Hubby does not get that you are not just looking for emotional support and a pat on the back. He actually sounds reasonably sympathetic. But, he does not get that you want him to express it differently or that you want him to actually do something besides be sympathetic and encouraging. Some couples read each others minds, and some don't - both kinds may love each other a great deal though! If there is something he can do, spell it out for him. And you are worried about your colonoscopy and he probably does not "get" that either. The burden of being anxious and having so many little things to do as executor is heavy and hard to relieve. Medication and/or counseling for anxiety might not be a bad idea - but, my goodness, you only lost your Mom two months ago, you are still in the midst of the acute grief! Is there any of it that can be postponed for a month just to give yourself a litlte time to breathe? Huge hugs!!
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Colonoscopy coming up. That explains a lot of it. That would make anyone anxious. You have a lot of things going on now.
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If your hubs is like mine, he is a "fixer",,, so tell him what to fix if you can find something for him to fix. I am a list maker.. then I show him what on my list he can fix. It can help you cross off a few things... And keep in mind it all does not have to be done at once.
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Thanks for the answers. I haven't really had much downtime lately. Besides moms estate and brother problems I've been anxious about other stuff. Waiting for my colonoscopy, etc. Something new keeps poping up that I worry about or makes me uneasy. I am trying to work on my anxiety. Guess I have to start accepting husband won't be sympathetic. It's hard, but I'll work on that also.
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This essentially the same thing you posted on June 1, isn't it? It is OK to vent over and over again. We get it. Go ahead and scream.

Your husband's attitude about hard things is just do them. He is praising you for how well you are doing it. This hasn't changed since June 1, and probably not since you married him. It is what it is. You wish he wasn't that way. I get that. I'd want him to be different, too.

If you are just venting, and I think that is what you are doing here, you go girl! Scream your head off with us. We get it and we sympathize.

If in the midst of the screaming you are also looking for a little advice, repread Garden Artist -- especially the part about turning as much of this as you can over to your lawyer.

Hugs to you.
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Barbara, you've posted a number of posts on the various challenges of being an Executrix. It's challenging enough, but your brother's attitude and lack of cooperation add another level of complication, as does having a generalized anxiety disorder. And you expect support from your husband, but it's not what he's providing.

I can't pretend to know what this is like. But I can tell you that anxiety can either creep in like an early snowfall, or it can hit like a hurricane. Either way, you need to be prepared to accept that efficiency and resolution aren't necessarily going to happen quickly. And deal with that rather than hoping that actions by others, over which you have no control, will change. They won't. Fact of life; accept that and move forward.

Your husband isn't sympathetic, or doesn't want to get involved. Okay, that's a given. Recognize it, don't expect any sympathy from him b'c it's not going to happen. Work around it, as you would a roadblock.

Your brother seems to be accustomed to getting his way. That won't change either. Work around this roadblock as well.

What's left that you can control? Yourself, your actions, your anxiety (by addressing the situations that complicate it and finding remedial action.

I'm no expert on anxiety but I know from experience that stress aggravates it. Having to make multiple decisions which are unique to the situation aggravates it. Not getting family support (husband) or resistance and lack of cooperation (brother) aggravates it.

Anxiety can paralyze you - your thinking processes, your ability to plan and carry out tasks. I think you're caught up in this maelstrom right now and need to find an escape before you have a meltdown.

It's like the "Perfect Storm" of trying to manage someone's estate.

I know Babalou has made excellent recommendations on other posts. Have you followed up? If not, is there a reason why not? That's not a criticism, just a method of trying to help you step back and analyze the situation to find a clear path forward.

I don't know if you've done this, but I would make a list of everything you know thus far that has to be done; list the activities, the necessary contacts, and the priorities. That's your working schedule and guideline. Do a few things each day. When you start to get stressed, stop and switch to relaxing tasks.

Plan to meet friends, go for walks, work in your garden, whatever, but make sure you have some down time planned and reserved when you get stressed.

And don't expect that your husband is going to support you; move past that b/c it's not going to change.

Right now I get the impression that you're not getting any down time at all and this whole situation is literally stressing you to the max.

I would also suggest you consider minimum amounts of down time in which you can listen to music, draw, read, walk, cook, bake, do nothing, or do whatever you enjoy doing as long as it relaxes you. And don't back down on this!

And when you're feeling better, schedule a meeting with your attorney, go over the tasks and ask which ones his/her paralegal can help you with. There's no shame in asking for that help; they've probably done this more times than you have and can do it more quickly.

Learn to accept that they're there to help you. And find ways to help yourself. Others have offered a lot of sympathy and suggestions, but the situation doesn't seem to be changing.
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Hadnuff, executing a will is irritating more than anything else. I executed my father's will for my mother, since she was really not able. Something I liked was how willing people were to help. The banks and retirement plan people were so helpful and pleasant. Things actually went very smoothly. Getting the death certificates and EIN were simple. Probating the house was simple. I was surprised to see how easy each step was, since there were people in place to help. Still, it was all irritating and had to be taken one step at a time.
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