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I feel so guilty every single day that I had to put my mom in an elderly assited living home. Mom is ill, she has multiple problems. Mom has dementia, broken hip, diabetes, high blood pressure, has had conjestive heart failure. My mom lived with my Grandmother mostly all of her life. As my Grandmother aged, my mom took care of her 24/7, in my grandmother's older years 90+ the demands of my mom were greater...then she died. My mom still lived in her home with a roomate afterwards but the dementia seemed to excel very quickley after her moms death. She was not eating, was not bathing or changing her clothes, would stay in her pajamas all day. She eventually had to be admitted to the hospital where they then sent her to a nursing home facility do to her abnormal counts of diabetes. Then she fell there and broke her hip! Ater the 100 days that the facility said was their max and they said that she had reached her "maximum rehabilitation" I was told she had to exit. I thought that the best thing to do was to bring her home with me. Well, after 2 weeks, my family was so upset, she was yelling at everyone, got so bad that my teenage daughter was crying everyday because the "Nonna" that loved her so much was yelling at her and calling her spoiled and stupid. The in home care giver was also ready to give up. I then decided that I would place mom in a "Adult assisted Living home" She was unhappy for the first few days but since after is okay there, she has gained 20 pounds, eats alot, cares about her appearance, dresses and is active with the others at the facilility. Her short term memory is gone...she talks about her dead mom as if she was still alive...she asks me where I live, although she has been there many times...she's still in a wheelchair from the broken hip.. She says she wants to go home with me or back to her house. I don't know if I'm doing the right thing or being selfish...I feel so guilty! Anyone out there going throught the similiar situation?

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I, too, am feeling the guilt of putting my mom in an assisted living place. Up until last April at age 90 mom was still driving and living alone and managing pretty well. In April she had a stroke that affected her short term memory and in July she had a second small stroke that affected her right side. Mom lives in PA while I live 4 hours away in VA. I stayed with mom in PA from April through July. Without my cueing, mom wasn't getting dressed or eating properly. After she came home from the hospital, we had people come to the house (nurse and OT/PT). She did not like having those strangers tell her what to do in her own house. We discussed options and she agreed to go the an AL place closer to VA, but still in PA (this puts her an hour and half away from my home) . She she has been there since Aug. She seemed all right at first, but she does keep asking about going home and insisting she could get people to come in. She says she misses her friends (they are 2 and a half hours away), but she won't call them on the phone. They do call, but she doesn't remember she spoke to them. She says nobody talks to her, but I think she doesn't really remember if they do. She doesn't participate in the activities much because she doesn't hear well even with her hearing aids. She does not do much without prompting. She keeps asking about going home and she says she misses her friends. She also wishes she could just die. She often tells me not to get old. I, too, wonder if she would be clearer in a familiar environment with people she knows. She is far enough away that the people in the home do not have the same background of knowledge to talk about with her. They are mostly locals and she doesn't know any of the places or people they do. I am getting ready to sell her house in this April, but I am having doubts about my decision. If I sell the house, there is no going back. I am an only child so all the decisions are mine and I am afraid I have made the wrong one.
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Try not to be so hard on yourself you are doing the right thing she is gaining weight is active with the others at the facility feeling better and this is all because you made a decision to help her so no guilt!! I should take my own advice read my wall I am going through guilty feelings all the time lol
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Lainey, when your mother says she wants to go back to her house, what she means is she wants to go back to her life. And this is entirely reasonable - wouldn't we all, given the choice?

Trouble is, that life is gone. And although you may wish you could provide your mother with the level of care she gave her mother, your life and circumstances are wholly different, and the alternative care that you have arranged for her is, moreover, by any objective measure, working extremely well.

Your mother's situation is sad, but it is not your fault. Give yourself more credit for the sensible, practical, beneficial decisions you have made, and give yourself time to watch how your mother settles in. You're doing a great job.
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Hey! Don't feel bad about it. My Grandpa is 79 and he lives in one of the best Retirement homes in Ottawa.They take care of all these things. Their staff members are well trained and fully dedicated to serving the seniors. Ottawa retirement homes provide a range of services to ensure the comfort and safety of resident.
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I often feel the same guilt. My mom is still mobile and on the surface appears to be fine. When she was at home, she was so confused and always "wanted to go home". When I would say "you are at home", she would get angry. She has been in AL for 3 months and is doing much better, but she still talks about going home all the time. I have come to terms with the fact that I can keep her safe but I can't always make her happy. You just have to trust that you have made the right decision.
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I feel your guilt...I have the same feelings when I leave my mom's AL facility and she stands at the door and cries while watching me walk away. She talks about leaving, first she kept asking me where she could go, she wants to "go home" also, but home to her is the small town on Long Island where she grew up. Now she just tells me that she is moving, not sure where, but she is going to call the movers on Friday and just get out. (She has no phone, no money, etc.) so I just let her think she's making the plan to move. she doesn't participate in any of the activities due to her hearing loss and the fact that she is convinced everybody is "on a vendetta to get me out of here" and now she has diminished to the point where she doesn't realize how long it is between visits, so if I miss a day or two I don't feel AS guilty as i used to. I know she is safe, even though she seems to spend a lot of time just sitting in her room. I hate that, but she can't read except for the comics in the newspaper, she can't watch tv as she has to depend on the closed captioning and that is either horrible, lags behind or is too fast and she can't keep up, she is not interested in photos or photo albums, or scrapbooks so finding an activity for her is getting increasingly difficult. But all I can tell you is to do your best to make her happy and take care of her needs that you can. I take my mom fruit and snacks and cookies etc. once or twice a week, do her laundry and just visit. It's all I can do and I try to not let her campaign to come live with me get to me. It's not an easy road, you feel pulled by so many emotions and bottom line it is your parent and you feel like you should do more but you can't sacrifice your life, or your relationship or your health while doing it. Stay strong, cry if you need to but know that you are doing the best you can for your mom.
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Guilt? No, I"m relieved that my mother is in a nursing home for she is far safer and better cared for there than at home by her husband with the limited mobility of being in a wheel chair and by a helper they hired from somewhere. Her doctor and home health care had been telling her that she needed to go to an assisted living place, but she would not listen. Then she had a stroke followed by a broken hip and the combination of the two sent her to the nursing home. My step-dad resents this but she is better off there.

Wants to come home? Like my dad once said to me when I brought this up in a discussion, "they all want to go home." I've even heard of people going home who even at home said they wanted to go home. My mother is not a safe discharge and so she is not going home. My step-dad and his helper are in denial of how bad off she is and how much care she needs. They about let her die during the few days they tried taking care of her at home after her stroke and rehab in a nursing home.

All in all far too many are lost in the F.O.G. of fear of making their parent angry, a sense of obligation to the determent of their own well being and feelings of guilt for either thinking of or actually doing something like placing their parent in assisted living or in a nursing home when reasonably that is what needs to be done when it needs to be done. May we all live and do our care giving free from the F.O.G.!
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I am having the same things with my mom. She hates her ALF, the food, criticizes the patients who eat like animals, etc. She doesnt know she could be in the same condition shortly. She has lost 20 lbs and doesnt eat but 3-4 bites of her meals. She has always been a negative person so I just let her have her pity parties by herself. Yes she always wants to go home and that hurts! This is such torture. I hope i make it to age 67. I would like to retire someday and get acquainted with my husband. Guess we just have to take what God gives us. God bless the caregivers and give us strength when we need it!
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I am so with you on the guilt thing...I have to move mom into at least an IL. This is the hardest decision I've ever had in my entire life. Up till now if I made the wrong decision it impacted me. Now it will impact her. I am lucky my sister could pick a place and I will talk to mom about going into it. She will put a good guilt trip on me. I know that, but the nice thing were the other housemates all said it's hard to leave home but really this place is better. I hope here 2 night visit will work for her. Fingers crossed...hope mom doesn't freak out that I am not there and that she is not home. I really didn't like the other places I went to.
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As above posts have stated, your mom appears to be where she should be. The wanting to go home, live with you, etc. will never end. Often, the elderly person doesn't realize they are in the best possible place for so many reasons. And you live only 5 minutes from her. The people who live an hour from her can easily visit her if they are so inclined.

In home care can be difficult. My husbands elderly aunt had 24/7 care and her caregiver had difficulty ensuring someone was always there as many times the agency could not send someone out to her home and other arrangements had to made. Also, often the elderly person doesn't like a "stranger" in their home, and might not get along with these outside caregivers.

My mother made it as hard for me as she could about living in a facility. But, I knew what had to be done and learned to come to terms with it. So many of the posts on this site helped me and I know they will help you too. Blessings to you and take care.
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had to put my mother in assisted living 3 years ago, she was not remembring to eat, stayed up all nite doing whatever. she is now 94 and still sometimes complains that we sold everything.I now just reply-yes, we probably sold that at the yard sale with no guilt. I went thru the hugh guilt thing, but she is in a safer place now and close by and gets to travel with me ocassionally and my sister. Her short term memory is getting worse, and will not get any better, but she is happy. You said she has gained weight, is bathing and dressing, socializing-what more could you ask for? If you put her back home, she would not be socializing(Like jeanne has stated-her former friends will stop visiting). Do not let others convince you that she would have been better back where she was, that her memory would have been better. I have this problem all the time with my sister, and I have finally dealt with it. she is coming back today to her AL after a month with my sister. I will now have to go thru the deprogramming all the crap my sister has done in a month to get her happy again. But, I did get a month's vacation-I visit my mom almost everyday, take her swimming in summer several times a week, shopping etc, but I mostly try to get her in all the activities at her AL.
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Can your mother afford 24/7 caregivers, either live-in or in shifts? If so, discuss with her doctors (NOT her former neighbors, please) whether it might improve her dementia if she moved home. Be prepared, though, to accept that she will still talk about her dead mother as if she were alive, she will still ask where you live, and she won't remember that any of the neighbors have visited. Also be prepared for those neighbors to visit less and less frequently. And now you are an hour's drive away from her, and she doesn't have the social life she enjoys in the care center. Doesn't sound like an improvement to me, but if she can afford the in-home care, then ask her doctors their opinion.

If she can't afford it, then it really doesn't make much sense to dwell on it, does it?

Keep visiting daily, and brighten your mother's life right where she is.
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My daughter and I visit her every day or so...
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But...also she does not even remember people and family that have come to visit her here by me, even the next day...also only 2 have come in the past six months.
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Because I've taken her from the city and the home that she has lived in for all of her adult life, family members and friends from that city think that she will "Go" faster if she is away from the place and people that she knows. Where she is now is about an hour away from them but 5 minutes away from me, her only daughter and her grandaughter.
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LaineyS, my husband spend several months early in his dementia asking to go home, packing his bag, waiting by the door, asking when the cab was coming, etc., etc. Where was he while all this was going on? At home!

What makes you think her dementia would be better if she weren't in the care center?
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When I leave her after a visit she just seems so sad and lonely that I question myself...
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She is in better health and has gained the need weight but nearly everytime we visit her she says that she wants to go back to her house, it makes me second guess my decision and think maybe that being in the facility is making her dementia worse and that if she were to go back home she would be better, the problem in finding a in home live in that will be willing to stay with her 24/7. I just want to make her happy!
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Guilt is the default background feeling for caregivers. Learn to live with it.

"Noona" is somewhere she is thriving. You obviously made the right choice, not only for your household but especially for her. To undo the good you have achieved in the hopes that you could get rid of feeling guilty would not only be foolish but also selfish. Mom is doing great where she is. Don't spoil that!

If her short term memory is so faulty that she won't remember what you say anyway, then say whatever will comfort her. "I think you are scheduled to be here another week. I'll check with the office." or "We can't go today because of awful road construction. Let's talk about it tomorrow" and then change the subject.

Good luck.
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