My 90 year old mother passed in May. Prior to The Covid lockdown she had been living independently and doing very well. I live 30 minutes away and had been making window visits and arranging food deliveries. However, she had stopped eating and was declining and I intervened and in the end had to call an ambulance. She was hospitalised and diagnosed with pneumonia, inflamation and anemia. She contracted Covid in the hospital and declined further and passed away. I was unable to visit her in hospital since my husband was shielding although I was able to talk to her on the telephone. The funeral had only 10 of us in attendance. I feel so guilty but my mother chose not to tell me that she was declining and tried to give the impression that all was well. I loved my mother very much and did my utmost to help her practically and emotionally since my father's death 9 years ago. I am finding it very hard at the moment to come to terms with this.

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Thank you all, especially Barb for your comforting and insightful comments. They are a great help and I agree that guilt is too general a sentiment to use in this context. You are right, I feel an aching loss for my mum which is to be expected. I was in an impossible situation at the end of her life since I had to choose to protect the health of my shielding husband rather than visit her (she had contracted Covid in hospital). When my
dad passed away at home I was by his bedside holding his hand. I felt so dissempowered with mum since I live a stone's throw from the hospital but still was unable to be by her side. I know there are many many families who have been/are now in similar situations and I feek greatly for you all. This virus has created huge casualties in its wake.

We all have our moments about what we wish we could have done differently, but overall, I know you recognize how good and loving you were. I am so sorry for your grief and loss. Try to celebrate what was a good life with a lot of loving care and devotion.
My least favorite thing on the forum, after the squabbling siblings, are the numbers of times we see the word "guilt". Unless you are a felon who knowingly did harm to others and now wants to reform, guilt is really the wrong word. I think it is more grief. Grief that you didn't know; grief for your loss. It does sound to me as though the attempt was to keep you spared. Because of Covid I had no idea of my brother's decline, and even the day they called the ambulance to take him to hospital he was telling me "I think it's just the flu like I get every year; if they would just leave me be I would get over it".
Time will heal you. I think deep in your heart you do know that even with our human limitations, you did it as right as you were able. Again, so sorry for your grief.

There can be no doubt that your mother knew your love and care. She lived a long life. My dad recently died at the same age. I don’t know that we’re ever prepared no matter when it comes. Barb has given you great thoughts, I only add that I wish you peace and comfort

Are you feeling guilty, as in you did something wrong? Or are you feeling regret, grief and loss?

I think we often use the word "guilt" as a shorthand for a bunch of much more complex emotions. I think it's useful to name those emotions.

You feel the loss of your dear mom.

You feel regret that you couldn't be with her in the end, because of this d@mned virus.

You feel disappointment and maybe anger that she hid her condition from you.

You feel a sense of disempowerment that you were not able to restore her to health and youth.

You feel conflicted because you wonder if sending her to the hospital helped or hurt.

Only you can tell if breaking it down like this helps you over the hump. Sometimes we need some grief couseling to be able to see clearly that there is some inevitability in the decline and death of our loved ones and that are not so powerful as our strong emotions make us out to be.


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