Mom died a month ago. I know my grief/pain/guilt is fresh. I started counseling - however, the regret is consuming me. I took care of Mom for 5 years since my Dad died of cancer in 2015. First, doctor appointments and checking in every day, then more hands-on daily care, then moving her into my home in 2018. Nursed her through broken back, neck, stroke/heart attack bowel,stomach issues - After hospitalization in January, doctor recommended hospice - we did not do it -PCP said not time yet. She wanted to come home with me as sole caregiver - doctors/therapists said unsafe - she needed 2 people assist. I told her let's come home with extra caregivers I'd hire -( she needed 24/7 care). She said no - she wanted to try to improve and come home as a one-person assist. We did a month-by-month private room rental at a Restorative Care facility - PT/OT 5x a week/2x day ...she was doing well - making friends, participating in activities, doing therapy, eating with friends, etc...the when COVID hit and quarantine happened, they had to eat in room - she still had therapy daily, had caregivers/ medical interaction. I begged er to come home - she said no ...then she started declining -was eating less, sleeping more - hospitalized - diagnosed with autoimmune hepatitis/cirrhosis...ascites,,,etc. She wanted hospice - we did it in hospital because of her condition -I was with her the entire time until she passed a week and a half later ( doctor said only a feeding tube would save her and she did not want that ....) Now I am WRACKED /PARALYZED with guilt regret that I did not bring her home when COVID dragged on - did not MAKE her come home with extra caregivers ... I listened to her doctor who said she was safer there - onsite care/ medical resources/ daily monitoring/care, etc..logically it sounds good - but psychologically, she needed ME - being home would have been better for her mentally and might have slowed her decline and given me the chance to turn things around with hands-on loving care. The decision to let her stay in the rehab/restorative care is eating me away - I feel I let her down and betrayed her. Counseling is not really helping me...don't know how to forgive myself. I was selfish to listen to her and not myself and just have her with me.

This discussion has been closed for comment. Start a New Discussion.
Counseling is the best answer. I recall your last post. I suspect counseling is the only answer. You have yourself now in a loop of self-condemnation that is really quite harmful to you, and to others around you. You will need someone who does good cognitive therapy to break the chain of your habitual thinking on this. You are trying to block yourself now, from moving forward, by staying stuck in this place you have become comfortable with. There can be a lot of reasons for this. It is fearful to move forward and change your life, get hobbies and form friendships that are quality. It is fearful to let go of the sympathy that people eventually move away from.
This has now become habit. You will literally have to change your thinking. Something we humans actually are very good at.
Your mother is gone now. No amount of angst can ever change that. You have work to do now. I wish you luck moving forward. There is nothing for you in staying stuck.
You forgive yourself by understanding that you are not a Saint. It is a bad job description anyway. They kill you by some or other gruesome method, then pray to you for eternity to fix everything. Who do you know in this world who has the answer to everything?
You have reached out to us before. We all told you you did good, you did your best, and your Mom would not want this for you. Did that help you? It seems not.
Remember, there is much in our lives that comes down to choice. We often have to choose a path. We often are stuck on that path with no way to go back and make a different choice. And know that there is a good deal that we get by refusing to move forward. We get a lot of sympathy and the constant reassurance that we "did good", we "were right". We get to avoid the hard work of making a life. We get to avoid the hard work of moving on.
Problem is that we cannot avoid it forever.
Wishing you luck moving forward. Forward is really the only good choice here.

Please don't beat yourself up. You did your very best and more importantly what your mom wanted. You were not selfish to listen to her, you were granting her her last wishes. I am a firm believer in when it is our time to go we will go, regardless of where we are and what the circumstances are. It was your mom's time to go. She is at peace, now it's time for you to be at peace. Take comfort in the time that you had with her, and remember the good times. And God bless you for honoring your mom's last wishes. She was able to die on her terms, not yours.

I am sorry for your loss, and pray that in time you will see that you did what was best for your mom.

Laurabelle; you followed your mother's instructions. She was her own agent and you wouldn't have prevailed if you insisted.

Guilt is for those who have done something wrong. You haven't.

Is your brother still angry with you? Is that possibly causing you troubling feelings?

I'm so sorry for your loss in such horrible circumstances. You did nothing wrong. You listened to advice. You made decisions. You do not know what would have happened had you brought her home. Many of us are in this situation with loved ones locked down in facilities. It's so difficult to not being doing for someone what we know they need, but she may have been receiving your loving care without you being there. What you had already done for her was still in her and still caring for her, even if it wasn't hands on at that particular time. Let go of that guilt. It doesn't belong to you.

This discussion has been closed for comment. Start a New Discussion.
Start a Discussion
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter