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I will never get over it. But we did the right thing. I hate how it happened.


Ask yourself,


How long can you leave work?


How many times can you call police and leave work to meet?


How often do you find spoiled food they can't smell.


How many car wrecks. How many criminal people in their house. How many calls from bank.


Did we do right thing? Absolutely


Will I get over the guilt? Not any time soon. But we did right thing, for her. To protect her from self.

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I too still feel some guilt after almost one year of my mother being in a facility. It has lessened somewhat because I can see how well they care for her (even better than I did), she looks healthier and most importantly she is safe.
You did the right thing, you will find peace and be less guilty as time passes.
Bless you
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As hard as it is when the day comes where they need more care than you can provide or they become a danger to themselves then the only thing that can be done is to admit them into a facility. I promised my mother I would do my best to keep her in her home as long as possible or until it is no longer safe for her to be there. I am her live in caretaker and she is showing some dementia symptoms that at times have been concerning. As hard as it will be when that time comes I will make that call. I will make that call because I would rather she is in a safer environment than her home. I worked in a nursing facility that had a memory care unit. Most that were in the unit were in advanced stages and were certainly in danger without 24/7 skilled supervision. They had others in various wings and in various stages too that could wander around more of the facility but they were still supervised and the facility is set up with their safety in mind. Never feel bad about moving her to a place where she will be safer.
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Throughout her life, my mom said to me multiple times "If something happens to me and I can't take care of myself, put me in a nursing home." That was her wish. Since Dad passed away a few years ago, Mom lived in an assisted living facility and was content to do so. Yet, at 93, when she had a stroke and was steadily declining, she changed her tune. In between all the hospital stays and rehab/nursing home care, she begged me to take her home with me. Part of that was because she was so miserable and tired of institutional care. She did not want to stay in a facility. Guilt? Yes, absolutely! She finally passed away a few weeks ago and yes, I have questioned if I did everything I should have for her. But I know in my heart if she was still living and in her right mind, she would say "put me in a nursing home." So to anyone reading this and questioning if they did the right thing by putting their parent in a facility where there are skilled professionals who can give the care needed, I say - stop doubting yourself! You are doing the right thing, for your parent and for yourself. But expect to feel the guilt because that is just a normal reaction.
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Thank you all for your comments, I just spent a few days away because my husband's sister is in a coma in another state, so I went with him to be with her and part of THAT care circle.

Got an earful today of wild stories about how nobody ever comes in to see her or care for her, and how the doctor is having an affair with the nurses. How she uncovered the truth, she saw it.

All part of her dementia. But, wow! Just wow. I have to say, it breaks my heart.
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The”promise” is rarely, maybe never “noble”. NO ONE who has not done full time care, or arranged for full time care EVER knows how sleep deprivation, emotional hostility, loss of self, and “the slow, slow death” impacts on the lives of those who have the obligation to serve as decision makers, as well as the victims of degenerative disease.

Often just becoming parent to those who were parents to us can be overwhelmingly stressful.

We know, or should know, that “wants to be home” means not a place or a building or a location, but rather “wants to be who she was and how she felt on the VERY BEST DAY of the life she lived” before Time deprived her of her independence and best sense of self. And we also know that the “being home” she pleads for and demands is the one thing we can never give her.

And we know too, that it’s not our responsibility, much less our fault, that we can’t. And from that, we have to attempt to derive a measure of Peace with what we've done FOR her, and move forward.
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Yes it’s hard, but guilty for exactly what? Making the right decision when the time came to make it? Enrolling your mother in hospice? Which is as you say, a “Godsend”.

There will be time for “should have, would have and could have” but right now live in the moment supporting your sister and being there for your mother as she prepares to pass.

Yes we all feel guilt. But under the circumstances there is no place for that now.
We do the best we can in our lives and as long as generally we are respectful going through life, that’s good enough. Always try to do better.

If you feel guilt about your blow out with a staff member then maybe after this is over make a point to set that right. You’ll feel better. Health care workers face families in crisis that act before they think. We are humans, and not perfect. They know that.

Thinking if you Sego, during this difficult time.
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I can so relate! I placed my mother..who is probably between a 5 and 6 on dementia / Alz scale in assisted living 5 weeks ago...and she is furious with me
( only me even though siblings were there as well.I am the one who lives close by)
She was living at home ( with my younger brother who cant keep a job and has mental issues) sitting in a dark room, having few outsiders come to visit..wasnt eating well and bad hygiene. Etc.. had to force her to even get her hair done once or twice a year! She is good physical shape but wouldn't take opportunities we tried to take her to or encourage.
Moved her into a wonderful facility and staff has been amazing..she is eating 3 meals a day..getting her hair done ev every week, participating in Bible studies, music programs, bingo, etc.. However, she is furious with me and I have not been able to visit or talk with her very much because she insisits on going home and " why on the hell did I leave her there!" (From a woman that never cusses.) They took her phone away, but whenever she is bored or agitated, she sneaks in office and calls me leaving mean or pitiful messages..telling me how miserable she is and I know not true because I have seen pictures of her having the time of her life..( even had a friend that was a stranger to mom go visit to check it out..she says amazing place) we hired sitters to be there temporarily when she is Sundowning in late afternoon and evening so she won't get thrown out aggravating staff and she is not quite ready for memory care.
So, all that to say ..I KNOW we did the only thing to keep her safe and give her opportunities to enjoy each day, socially and mentally..but still the guilt!!! This is NOT a fun journey..still trying to work and have some kind of life..but the sneak she is managed to borrow or find a phone to make sure I am miserable. MAY God grant us all the grace to live through our aging parents!
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Something else. We have issues with a memory care facility since ownership changed. It's 30 miles outside our metro area.

I can pitch a fit like nobody's business, complete with profanity.and I did. Not proud of it.

Our mom put on hospuce about 3 weeks ago. (Godsend). I was so so,pissed wanted to,move our mom.,hospice said, don't. You will be disappointed. This is one if the best ones in state.

It took me two days to process that and multiple phone calls.all of these facilities have issues. Turnover being number one. Communucation between clinical and admin staff right up there too.

People we don't put our pets through this.
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Once you put in a facility the 'noble promise' we All made haunts you. It does.

But you have To put that aside and look at the here and now. This is tough. Not for faint of heart.

But seriously, you have To protect from themselves. And it puts you in a terrible situation. I know. So many here do too.

All of y'all dealing with or facing, I have you in my heart.i know. Many here do.
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Yes the guilt is always there - nearly 3.5 years since placing mom in private pay memory care - she hates it there and just wants to be in her own home -

rest up and do the best you can by her - visit, bring her treats and participate in her life - it makes a difference that you will feel good about - so many are forgotten once put in a facility
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