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Deep Hole
Two guys are walking through the woods one day when they stumble across a big deep hole.
The first guy peers into it and says, "Wow! That looks deep."
The second guy says, "It sure does. Let's throw a few pebbles in there and see how deep it is. We'll be able to tell the depth by how long it is before we hear the noise of the pebbles landing."
So they pick up a few pebbles and throw them in and wait. Nothing. There's no noise.
The first guy says, "Jeeez. That is really deep. I know, let's throw one of these great big rocks down there. Those should make a noise."
So they pick up a couple football-sized rocks and toss them into the hole and wait... and wait... Again, nothing.
They look at each other in amazement. Then the first guy gets a determined look on his face and says, "Hey, over here in the weeds, there's a railroad tie. Help me carry it over. When we toss that sucker in, it's gotta make some noise."
So the two of them drag the heavy tie over to the hole and heave it in. Once again, not a sound comes from the hole.
Suddenly, out of the nearby woods, a goat appears, running like the wind. It rushes toward the two men, then right past them, running as fast as it's legs will carry it. Suddenly it leaps in the air and into the hole.
The two men are astonished with what they've just seen and look at each other in amazement.
Then, out of the woods comes a farmer who spots the men and ambles over. He asks them, "Hey, you two guys seen my goat out here?"
The first guy says, "You bet we did! Craziest thing I ever saw. It came running like crazy and just jumped into this hole and disappeared!"
"Nah", says the farmer, "That couldn't have been my goat. My goat was chained to a railroad tie."
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That's quite an image. Old dude's balls hitting the water, like a couple big teabags.

Pam, both you and Glad are hilarious. Glad, loved the Septic Tank story.

Let's post some jokes on here for Cuz. He's going through a tough time. I never had a brother or sister, so I can't really know the depth of what Cuz is feeling, but it's got to be epic. Mike was his fishing buddy who he's been hanging out with since they were both little babies.

Love you Cuz.

From Everybody here on the Grossed Out Thread
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I cant make this up time.. FIL last year bought a potty seat for the toilets at the river house.. the one that makes the seat higher. He came down this week while we were there.. I reminded hubs that he was going to want the seat on the toilet (his dad, his job.. I get grossed out cleaning those things,, but I do it) Of course he didn't get it put on. SO.. while we had company,, he comes out of the house and said he "wants to give me some advice, not telling me what to do",, and I pre empted him and said "you want the potty seat on".. Yes indeed,, because his balls hit the water when he sits down! OK,, I could have gone the rest of my life without knowing that about my 96 YO FIL,, and so could our guests.. I wont tell you what my hubs said!
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As a singer I sing at many funerals & I was recently asked by a funeral director to play & sing at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery out in the country. As I was not familiar with the area, I got lost.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw that the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play. The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I sang like I’ve never played before for this homeless man.

As I sang & played “Amazing Grace”, the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my keyboard and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I’ve never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.” Apparently, I’m still lost….

Confession, I copied this from another site, all were likes, I don't think anyone GOT IT!
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Now this is gross! And this woman should know better! Lufkin, TX ice cream licker.

https://www.foxnews.com/lifestyle/blue-bell-identifies-exact-contaminated-ice-cream-tub-from-viral-licking-video-at-a-texas-walmart
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So sorry for your loss, cuz and bobbie. My deepest sympathies. (((((hugs)))))
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Hi everyone,

My Cousin Mike, and my Cousin Harv, Cuz, were the highlights of my childhood. When I was a kid, we would drive up to see my mom's side of the family, and these were the two guys I couldn't wait to hang out with. My Uncle Richard and my Aunt Hank, their dad and mom, were always very cool in the midst of some other relatives that could be, shall we say, pretty tight in the afterburners. I loved them all, but my Cuz and Mike were the stars of the show.

Did I ever tell you, they had a boat. It was a ski boat, and Mike and Harv loved to ski. That was the first boat I ever drove, and they taught me how to pull skiers. I just wanted to drive the boat, and Mike and Harv just wanted to ski. It worked out perfectly. We would tear around Silver Lake, and I would reach back and jiggle the gas can, and when it got low, I'd drive over to Uncle Richard and he would put a new can in, laughing the whole time.

Mike and Aunt Hank drove down to Florida a few years back, and they actually took the time to drive to Jacksonville, where I was with my boat, and see me. When I saw Mike and Aunt Hank I burst out crying and hugged the stuffing out of both of them.

Crying now.

Love you Cuz.

lovbob
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Ahh, cuz, am so sorry. Thinking of you and Bobbie and family. Hugs.
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I'm sad to say that bobbie321 has lost her cousin and I have lost my brother Mike sometime after 10:30 pm Sunday night. I found him this morning after he didn't answer his phone. He lived about 13 miles from my house. He was my fishing buddy for many many years. He was 68 years old. R.I.P.
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Sorry I haven't posted any jokes of late but I need to update you on my brother and captain bobbie's cousin. He has been in the hospital for the last two weeks for weight gain. He has been trying hard to stay around 270# but shot up to 294# because he retains water so bad. Been on pee pills for over three years. He got down to 272# because they were running an IV Lasix drip which did make him pee alot but his heart is so weak that they suggested calling in a hospice team because the condition of his heart is around 20% and they are giving him less than 6 months. I got him home yesterday and he was doing ok but today he now on oxygen now because he is having a hard time breathing. I will keep you gals updated and try to find some good jokes to brighten your day ok.
luv cuz
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Glad-Lol that was a great story.
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During lunch at work, I ate 3 plates of beans (which I know I shouldn't). When I got home, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly, "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight." He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to answer the call. 

The beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. 

It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a garbage dump! I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously. Then, shifting to the other leg, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage. Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on releasing atomic bombs like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable! 

Eventually the telephone farewells signaled the end of my freedom, so I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself. 
My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned, apologizing for taking so long. 

He asked me if I had peaked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not.
At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table, with their hands to their noses, chorused, Happy Birthday!
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OK, so what do you call a male dog with short legs and large genitalia?
SPARKY
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Bwahaha! This had been THE worst day ever and I just have to say Thank You for these jokes. I'm not even reading anything more tonight. I'm stopping with the best!
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MY DADDY SLEEPS NAKED
"Late again!" the third-grade teacher sternly said to little Ranger.
"It ain't my fault this time, Miss Russell. You can blame this 'un on my Daddy. The reason I'm three hours late is my Daddy sleeps naked!"
Now, Miss Russell had taught grammar school for 30-some-odd years. Despite her mounting fears, she asked little Ranger what he meant by that. Full of grins and mischief, and in the flower of his youth, little Ranger and trouble were old friends, but he always told her the truth."You see, Miss Russell, out at the farm we got this here low down fox. The last few nights, he done ate six hens. Last night, when Daddy heard a noise out in the chicken pen, he grabbed his double barreled shot gun and said to my Ma, "That fox is back again... I'm a gonna git him!''
"Stay back," Daddy whispered to all us kids!
My Daddy was naked as a jaybird -- no boots, no pants, no shirt! To the hen house he crawled, just like a ninja on the snoop. Then, he stuck that double-barreled 12-gauge shotgun through the window of the coop. As he stared into the darkness, with a fox on his mind, our old hound dog, Rip, had done gone and woke up and comes sneaking up behind Daddy. Then, as we all looked on, plumb helpless, old Rip done went and stuck his cold nose in my Daddy's crack!"
"Miss Russell, we all been pluckin' chickens since three o'clock this mornin!"
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An old tired-looking dog wanders into a guy's yard. He examines the dog's collar and feels his well-fed belly and knows the dog has a home.
The dog follows him into the house, goes down the hall, jumps on the couch, gets comfortable and falls asleep. The man thinks its rather odd, but lets him sleep. After about an hour the dog wakes up, walks to the door and the guy lets him out. The dog wags his tale and leaves.
The next day the dog comes back and scratches at the door. The guy opens the door, the dog comes in, goes down the hall, jumps on the couch, gets comfortable and falls asleep again. The man lets him sleep. After about an hour the dog wakes up, walks to the door and the guy lets him out. The dog wags his tale and leaves.
This goes on for days. The guy grows really curious, so he pins a note on the dog's collar: "Your dog has been taking a nap at my house every day."
The next day the dog arrives with another note pinned to his collar: "He lives in a home with four children -- he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?'
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A farmer decided he wanted to go to town and see a movie.
The ticket agent asked, sir, what’s that on your shoulder?”
The old farmer said, “That’s my pet rooster chuck. Wherever I go, chuck goes.”
“I’m sorry sir,” said the ticket agent. “We can’t allow animals in the theatre.”
The old farmer went around the corner and stuffed chuck down his overalls.
Then he returned to the booth, bought a ticket, and entered the theatre.
He sat down next to two old widows named Mildred and Marge.
The movie started and the rooster began to squirm. The old farmer unbuttoned his fly so chuck could stick his head out and watch the movie.
“Marge,” whispered Mildred.
“What?” said Marge.
“I think the guy next to me is a pervert.”
“What makes you think so?” asked Marge?
“He undid his pants and he has his thing out”, whispered Mildred.
“Well, don’t worry about it”, said Marge. “At our age we’ve seen ’em all”
“I thought so too”, said Mildred, “But this one’s eatin’ my popcorn!”
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Bobbie. Update is they cancelled everything because heart is to weak. I got him home today and I guess whatever happens, happens. He will be going to a pain clinic in about 3 weeks but the last one was a joke so we will have to wait and see. Hugs luvCuz
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Hi Cuz. Tell Mike hello and that I'm hoping for his best outcome.
Love ya Cuz.

lovbob
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Hey cuz, Mike is back in hospital trying to get some fluids removed so he can have a left leg bypass this coming Thursday. If they can get blood flow to his left foot they will probably take off his big toe do to a bad bone infection. If the bypass doesn't work the prospects don't look good. Will keep you in the loop ok? Hugs
luvCuz
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Hi cwillie and SparkyY; thanks for getting it. I started this thread a long time ago and mom died in 2010. It has always been interesting when I was attacked (and still am attacked) by folks who are obviously having a hard time and need to lash out.

That toothbrush thing really happened and I knew at the time that there was no way I was alone with the goofy, and funny, and ultimately, sad, things that happened. We were all full time caregivers at that point and when I posted that, I had been in the trenches for over 5 years.

I was joined by a group of people that were pretty cool.

I still believe the humor I applied to my own circumstance, and the humor displayed by the other caregivers was very healing, and helped get us all through a bad time.

My respect for anyone who has done this job, and who has Empathy for those of us who truly suffered through caregiving a dementia patient.

Welcome to the Grossed Out thread, and I hope to see more of you guys and learn what you're going through.

Vent and Live.

lovbob
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SparkyY, I agree with you, using poop hair gel beats using a toothbrush as a comb 🤣

This thread stays open because some of the early posters still check back in occasionally, lots of people are still reading here.
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I am still reading this thread so you aren't talking to yourself
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Didn't see the 2010 lol. Still think grandma setting her hair in feces beats using my toothbrush. It should be a dead post I would think. I'm new to yhis. I'll try to stay in this decade. I'm just talking to myself aren't I?
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Consider yourself lucky. I constantly caught my grandma who used to be a hairstylist, using her feces as gel before setting the whole mess in curlers and sitting under the dryer she had in her home. I wish my biggest problem was her using my toothbrush in fact if I could pay money to trade delusions I would have given all the money I have plus half my salary every month.
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Doncha love it when the self righteous feel the need to chime in to berate somebody 9 years after the fact? SMH
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Big deal! Why not show some compassion and show her again what the toothbrush is really used for! Your Mom has some dementia obviously. This could happen to you too so think ahead how you would want someone to react.
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Gladimhere I have a niece that works at Home Depot and I will be talking to her about their slow delivery ok?
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A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew came in and began building a house on the empty lot. The family's 5-year-old daughter became interested in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.

Eventually, the construction crew, all of them gems-in-the-rough, more or less adopted her as a project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they took coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. At the end of the first week, the men presented her with a pay envelope which contained $2.00. The little girl took this home to her mother, who said all the appropriate words of admiration, and suggested that they take the money she received to the bank to start a savings account.

When they talked to the bank teller, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had earned her very own pay check at such a young age. The child proudly replied, "I worked last week with the crew building the house next door to us."

"My goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"

The little girl replied, "I will if those azzes at Home Depot ever deliver the freakin sheet rock..."
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Honeymoon Pants

Mike was going to be married to Jane, so his father sat him down for a little chat. He said, 'Mike, let me tell you something.
On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants, handed them to your mother, and said, 'Here, try these on!
She did and said, 'These are too big, I can't wear them.'
I replied, 'Exactly, I wear the pants in this family and I always will.'
Ever since that night we have never had any problems
''Hmmm,' said Mike. He thought that might be good thing to try.
On his honeymoon, Mike took off his pants and said to Jane, 'Here try these on.' She tried them on and said, 'These are too large, they don't fit me. '
Mike said, 'Exactly, I wear the pants in this family, and I always will. I don't want you to ever forget that.'
Then Jane took off her pants, and handed them to Mike. She said, 'Here, you try on mine.'
He did and said, 'I can't get into your pants.'
Jane said, 'Exactly. And if you don't change your smart ass attitude, you never will.'
And they lived happily ever after!
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