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So insisted that mom get a bath and was her hair today which is always a huge fight. Some how she did agree but when she came out of the bathroom and I went I noticed the smell of poop which was on the floor and in the tub and she just basically left it there....I wanted to scream but didn't and held it together and cleaned it up. I calmly asked if she had a problem or an issue in the bathroom and she flat out said it wasn't her which of course I then stated well it's only you and me here and I didn't do it. I actually took a picture of it on my phone and showed it to her which is when she went storming off to her room. Many may not be familiar with our situation but the ER dump is about to happen this has been going on for and has just gotten worse since all the COVID started. I've been talked out of it several times because of the Nursing Home situations but we cannot deal with it anymore. This is more a vent than anything but it feels good to get it out.........

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It becomes too hard to care for our parents in our homes. I cared for my mom for 15 years in my home.

Towards the end I thought I would lose my mind.

My caregiver days are over. Mom is 95 and under hospice care.

Trust me when I say, ‘I feel your pain!’ I am in no way heartless. My mom says, “It’s hell to get old!”

I don’t think any intelligent person would ever argue her point! It is hell to get old for those who are suffering. It’s a challenge for the elderly and the caregivers.

Do whatever you need to do for you. Your mom will adapt.

Wishing you all the best.
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My 99 year-old mother, living mostly on her own, is having problems with bowel incontinence. While she is declining mentally somewhat, she is fully aware and trying to manage. She would, too, if it weren't for the fact that her legs give out on her at unpredictable times. So far she has always made it to her little wheelchair before falling. She is a very determined woman and didn't want anyone taking "kontroll" (old country) of her. She is finally getting tired of the incontinence and realizing she needs and wants help.
The advice I need is: will an AL take people with those issues, or is it time for a nursing home? She says she'd rather go to a nursing home where everyone is poor than be a Medicaid/charity case in AL. Is that even a choice?
I appreciate all your experience and knowledge on this site.
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Bathroom accident
A rotten, mess eggs sticky
Dark as old mushroom
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I've been there with the cleaning up stool - while 100 other care issues are crashing down around you. Meanwhile, elder (and the entire family) are mad at ME! Actually, in my case, elder did make some effort to be embarrassed at the trail of stool leading back and forth to the bathroom and she did "try" to help clean (haha). It wasn't until later that she started denying it happened. And she denied her bed and furniture were soaked with urine. And she denied she let a stranger into the house. And denied she was hiding important papers from me and throwing the mail in the trash. And she denied she was denying.

I am so sorry about all of this. You are going to be OK.

One thought I had is to write down ALL of your concerns so you will have them ready when the hosp tries to discharge her. You will be under intense pressure and you're already under intense pressure, so get your thoughts on paper to back up the fact that you cannot care for her going forward. I believe you, but ER doc might just see a sweet lady who has stool accidents from time to time. I've been there.
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Yea I am an only child and she lives with us (husband & kids) which has reached the point that it is not fair to them either. Unfortunately I do not have POA which may create other issues.....We were going to start the process of getting her accessed and then all the COIVD started and we have basically been pushed off since then by the Dr & nurses which is the reason for considering the ER dump as I can no longer care for her here at home. I have relatives who work in Nursing Homes who are basically the ones talking me out of it every time I mention so think I am just going to do it and let the chips fall where they may as I am at my WITS END because there is no reasoning or even talking calmly with her anymore. If I bring something up she says I am picking on her and she storms off......
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Are you taking care of your mother by yourself? Do you have her POA?

By the situation you’ve described, it sounds as if there have been many other concerns before this one.

Who has talked you out of placement in the past? Why are you listening to them?
Is anyone else helping you with caregiving? Anyone who is not a hands on caregiver gets NO VOTE in the question of placement.

Has Mom been formally assessed for her cognitive/psychological issues?

This is a GREAT place to vent. You may not always hear what you want to be told, but we ALL know how it feels to be overwhelmed, under appreciated, guilty, aggravated.....you name it, and sometimes all at once. Make yourself a cup of your beverage of choice, and VENT AWAY!
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You are dealing with dementia? If so, then this is what happens with the demented mind. As the expression goes, "there but for the grace of God go I".
I think that it is reasonable now to give up the 24/7 caregiving, whether Covid or no. Vaccine is soon here. At that time surely you can make plans. And the ER dump is often what works best, sadly. Costly to the system but given the inability of the common man to negotiate that system without a Social Worker, this is what happens. So sorry. Not a good way to start the day, for certain.
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