Grief vs Guilt

Thank you so much to all of you.
My therapist explained to me what I already knew and what I learned reding this wonderful forum. I am not doing something bad to harm my mom, it is the exact oppisite. There is nothing selfish in wanting not to be depressed, in wanting to spend time with my son and husband.
Nothing is irriversible but death. So if things turn out to be different of what I am expecting I will take her back home, maybe with a live-in aid or looking for another facility... But I have to try. If I get ill who will look after her, my son and help my husband ?
The problem is that this is what my brain says, my heart just won't stop crying and saying I should try harder.
I know I don't want to let go my mom. With the therapist we talked about my father's death when I was nearly 11... I am scared of being abandoned and I am scared of abandoning my mom. Even if I rationally know I am not.
Grazie di cuore a tutti !

Crying on another's shoulder, whether it's just another person or an international forum like this, can be very therapeutic and cathartic. We all need an outlet for our emotions. I'm pleased you found AgingCare.

Has your psychologist helped you in addressing your sadness? I hope so. For him/her it probably matters what you call your emotions, but to you it may not. Call it what you want, grief, guilt, regret, you just want to heal, you want to feel better about yourself. And you will. But that will take time, meanwhile don't suppress your feelings, cry if you need to, but realize you are not alone. You've given your mom 10 years of loving care. You remain her advocate, still looking out for her welfare, and being able, now, to look after your own also. I wish you well.

Watching a beloved parent age, struggling, and pass is such a hard journey! It’s easy to know that we’re doing what’s best, that this is the normal process of life, that dying is coming for us all, but it’s a whole other animal to make peace with it all. You’ve done your best for your mom, she’s blessed to have you, and I hope you both can be at peace

Anche, a wise friend once told me of his journey with his father, who had terminal cancer.   He said that by supporting him and providing the best care he could, he was actually doing the best thing he could for his father.

It does take some distancing to realize this perspective, but I relied on it often during my almost 20 year journey with my father as he aged.

Another way to view it is to assess the circumstances, as you have, and ask if it's humanly possible to do anything else.   The answer is often "no".

But you can continue to support her emotionally, and by visiting, to help her acclimate and find opportunities for activities at the home.    If you establish regular visits, such as on the weekend, or after work, eventually she can become acclimated and look forward to them.

You have the tools and the knowledge. You have learned to comb out the feeling of grief from those of guilt. But the grief is still there, and will be. There are just not perfect answers, or even good ones to this deterioration that causes such agony for our elders and for those of us who must helplessly witness it all. Please consider professional help for yourself. But you WILL have feelings. Allow them in so they don't keep coming at you. Often a good cry is a way to help wash us clean so we can move on. I wish there was a way to sidestep all this grief, but I sure don't know what it is.

Placing my dad was the hardest decision that I have ever had to make.

It isn't supposed to happen, they should have a plan in place but, far to often we are the plan and it isn't a viable solution.

Remember to breathe, keep her from seeing your distress and learn to pick your battles.

Facility care isn't going to be perfect, focus on what is right and what can be improved and what is really important for her safety and well-being. Advocate when you see something wrong.

To often we read about how it takes 20 minutes for a call button to be answered, well, maybe we wouldn't be fried to a crisp if we made them wait instead if jumping every time they called. Waiting is okay. Just an example of what not to get caught up in.

You are doing the right thing for everyone involved, because you can not continue to live the life you have been, you would become a statistic and then what would happen to her.

Great big warm hug! You got this!