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My dad died May 11th. He was on hospice briefly and they offered grief counseling but I declined. My dad was dead, we had all been through hell, and I anticipated feeling sadness mingled with relief. And I did experience that. For a while. I certainly didn't see the need to go running off to a grief counselor!

In these past 3 months I have had problems with my memory in that I can't remember anything. It's affected my job. I've become irritable and depressed. Still I wondered why I was feeling all these things. It never occurred to me that it was grief! The other night the new kitten knocked over a plant and I proceeded to have a meltdown. I screamed and yelled and threw things, a reaction completely out of proportion to the tipped over plant. The next day I couldn't get out of bed until 4pm. Something was wrong with me and I was concerned. I felt fuzzy-headed, sad, confused. I took 2 days off work which didn't go over well with the boss but the day my dad died I called in to work to tell them my dad died and my boss said, "So you can't work your shift today?" And the 5 days I took off in the wake of my dad's death the office called me twice to ask me to come in. I don't expect warm fuzzies from my employer but I do expect her to act human. But anyway, that's not the point.

I think my dad's death has caught up with me. I did very little grieving when he died. There was so much to do and I was responsible for it all (with my brother's assistance). The 5 days I took off work when he died I grocery shopped, cleaned the house, and just did stuff you'd normally do when you have time off. The only difference was that I didn't have to drive to the NH everyday. I had all this free time and I put it to good use, or what I thought was good use. Now I'm thinking that I didn't use that time wisely because it appears to be backing up on me.

Right after my dad died, after the service and all of that stuff was done I think I just sealed up that hole in my heart and went on my way as usual. I put the grief on a shelf, I put the loss of my dad out of my life on a shelf and just kept going. Now I seem to have sprung a leak and I'm crying and thinking about my dad all the time and remembering his voice and thinking back to this time last year when he lived with us. We had no idea what was coming. I had no clue about the stress I was about to endure for months on end and how crazy it would make me feel.

I can't believe I wrapped up all of that pain and loss and sadness in a box and put it away where I couldn't see it. The fits of anger, the depression, the fogginess and lack of memory are all the result of grief! I never grieved. I got through it but I'm not sure I ever really felt it, or allowed myself to feel it. I've been going through all of this for over 2 months and it never occurred to me that grief is the reason. How dumb am I??

I made an appointment with my Dr. on Monday only because I have been experiencing things that are not normal for me and I thought it might be a good idea just to check in with him but I may call our hospice and take them up on their offer of free grief counseling. Or I'll wait and see, now that I've kind of pinpointed the problem, if these things continue to plague me. Although I kind of feel as if I shouldn't need counseling. People die all the time and their loved ones usually don't go running off to counseling, why should I need to? Except that it's interfering in my life and my ability to work.

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((((((((eyeirshlass))))))) Indeed you are grieving. I have been through many losses and much grief and can identify with what you post, though I have learned not to put it on a shelf. I found that grief waits and then comes out whether you like it or not, so you may as well deal with it. Grieving is not an easy process. It comes in waves. Our bodies tend to be somewhat numb the first few months and then the emotions start coming out. You are right on schedule. My experience is that 3 months, 6 months and especially 9 months are hard times, birthdays, holidays and any other special days. The new year is hard because you can feel you shouldn't be entering a new year without them. Then there are the days of their death annually which are hard to deal with. Yes, people lose people all the time and many do not go for counselling. I have gone and found it very helpful. I have also gone to grief groups which also were very helpful, and joined online grieving forums. I look at it this way - grief counselling cannot hurt - or at least not if it is a counsellor with whom you are compatible. Of course, coming here and sharing your feelings is helpful too. One thing that amazed me is how physical grief is. There are online check lists for physical symptoms in a grieving person, Do look after you. You have been through a lot. A check up is a good idea.

Here is one list of physical symptoms. I have experienced a number of these due to loss.

Physical Symptoms:
- Shortness of breath.
- Tightness in throat, chest.
- Stomach discomfort.
- Numbness
- Intense fatigue and lack of energy.
- Headaches.
- Sighing.
- Loss or gain in Weight
- Dizziness.
- Loud heart beat.
- Sense of emptiness and heaviness.
- Loss of sexual desire or hyper-sexuality.
- Sleep, appetite disturbances.
- Increase in common illnesses i.e. colds, flu.
- Physical symptoms that are the same as those of the deceased

Looks like you are doing the right things for you. (((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))) and let us know how you are. Joan
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Oh eyerishlass, I am sorry you are so sad. Emjo's post really said it all -I don't know if I could add anything-just wanted to let you know I am thinking of you!!! And sending you a big hug!!! ((((((eyerishlass)))))). I hope you do let us know how you are doing.
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eyerishlass, I am so sorry, and yeah, I've felt a lot of what you do, too, and it's really rough, very hard physically. When I suppress a lot of emotions, I get physically sick. I feel like I've been grieving for years... I'm in a situation where I know full well how badly grief and sadness, stress, all of that, can lead to physical symptoms.. I'm there now. I hope you're feeling better very soon.

Emjo, I've got every single one of those symptoms, except the last. In fact, today, I've spent most of it in and out of the bathroom because my stomach feels like it's filled with razor wire.

There's so much intense, raw emotion when you're a care giver. And it doesn't surprise me that that mountain of emotion can fall on your months, or even a year or two, after care has ended, especially if you've been suppressing it for a long, long time... Everything Emjo said is dead on..

I wish you much peace. You'll get there. In the mean time at least we all know we're not alone and crazy around here, and we understand....
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Something else that's often missed: Just about the time my mom died, I went into perimenopause. I was forty something. It hits like a ton of bricks. Take any emotion and ramp it up about 50 levels and you have a clue what it feels like. So, when you visit the doc, have him check for hormone levels. It may NOT be your issue, but at least you can then eliminate it .. or .. you can get some relief.
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My mother died in Sept. and 4 months later I was in the doctor's office with bronchitis and mentioned that I was so sad and cried all the time. He was also mom's dr and knew what I went through with all her ailments, but he suggested a psychiatrist. I thought NO WAY. ( I don't need someone to document that I am crazy!!) I realized it was grief and that it would eventually ease. I think having her here for 5 years and seeing her in every room and reliving things that happened during that time was something I was just going to have to relive until it got easier. It will be 2 years tomorrow that she died and I can finally talk about her without crying. It did help to be able to talk about my feelings with my favorite sister. So, don't fret. If you are someone who needs a counseling group, do it. There is no reason not to. If you intend to go through it alone, give yourself time.......
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Eyerishlass, you have got to be kinder to yourself than you boss was to you! Your dad died and you can't work your shift? I could see being asked to come in anyways if your cat or guine pig died, but we're talking about your DAD...after a long stressful caregiving time to boot!

"Although I kind of feel as if I shouldn't need counseling. People die all the time and their loved ones usually don't go running off to counseling, why should I need to? Except that it's interfering in my life and my ability to work."

Go to the grief counseling. They offer it for a reason. People die all the time, sure, but this one time it is your dad. That matters. Your grief matters. Grief is this heavy, huge thing that maybe morphs and shrinks down over time, and fits itself into you in the end rather than growing and overwhelming you like a cancer...as long as you don't try to neglect it. It does not really go away, ever, but it becomes a part of you, a piece of the puzzle that is your self, that you live with, and that perhaps makes you stronger inside than you were before.
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Eyerishlass.. I'm sorry for your loss, however, you are very smart to recognize your symptoms to be grief. I never lived with my dad, he and my mum divorced when I was a baby and my sisters were 7 and 10. He was an alcoholic but a good person. He and I had a falling out about 2 years before he died and we never spoke again. After he died, I did grieve and some people said I was a hypocrite because I was not close to him. I told them I was grieving for what we didn't have in a relationship not for what it was. My point of mentioning this is just to say that grief is very complex and there is no right or wrong way of doing it. A support group may be a wonderful thing for you. I am glad that you are now dealing with the pain and going through the process, you will feel so much better when you come out the other side. xo
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i just filled out a routine va form and hit a rough patch at " next of kin . it isnt my mother any more. i expect a lot of " amisses " in the future. probably everytime i bake bread. mom and the parrot usedta be all about some brotchen rolls.
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Eyerish....I was just thinking of you. I am so glad you came here for support. Yes, grief is different for everyone. There are distinct stages and times of intensity, and physical symptoms that add to the emotional pain. If you can get free counseling it sure couldn't hurt. Venting.....like you just did.......is just as healthy now, as it was when you first came here. We will listen. We will understand. We will always support you, as you have done for so many of us. God Bless you.
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eyerishlass, other people may have not needed to run to grief counselors, but they didn't have a dad that was as awesome as yours. I remember reading what you wrote when your father died. He was not only your father and friend, he was a big part of your world. I imagine that losing him was a bit like ripping away one of your horizons, though you may not have known it yourself. Maybe counseling will help you feel the grief and heal. Grief feels terrible, but sometimes we have to go through it. It is the price we pay for having someone awesome in our lives.

You will be okay. Big hugs from Alabama.
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I lost my 91 year old father 7 months ago and I have a lot of sadness about not being with him when he died. He was a loving caretaker of my alcoholic mother and brother which were a huge burden and caused lots of sadness and dysfunction in our family. He did so much for others...and asked for so little .... I wish I could just let go and look at the good times I spend with him during his last years....but I keep fixating on not being with him during his last hours. I am usually a pretty accepting person who does not beat myself up. I was good to my Dad during his life. It is like I am feeling all the grief that he never expressed (but must have felt) over my alcoholic family members who were constantly disappointing him. He always chose to be happy....He deserved better. I wish I had been able to stay up with him that last night when I had an idea that it might be his last.
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Eyerishlass, your post was so emotional, so sensitive and poignant that I felt transported right into your life and feel the grief you're experiencing. I can't offer much after the very insightful and helpful advice of others, especially Emjo, but just wanted to offer my condolences as well as my encouragement of just letting yourself grieve as often as necessary (but not with your nasty boss!) and allow yourself time to remember your father and cherish all that he was.

Indulge and be kind to yourself. Try to remember the happy times and gradually they'll replace the sadder times.
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Eyerishlass, I lost my mother on May 19th. I miss her terribly, because we were also best friends, my confident, and caretaker. She lived with me for 24 years. She took over household chores, cooking, and helping with my two teenage daughters. I worked all day and went to school at night. Without her, I would never had gotten my college degree. I remarried, and she then took care of my husband and me. When the tables were turned, we took care of her. When she could no longer be alone during the day, we had to place her in Assisted Living.

During the last four years at AL, I was constantly grieving. Every time we celebrated a birthday, mother's day, Christmas, I would end up with tears in my eyes. I never knew when it would be the last time I would celebrate with her. She died a painful death, but Hospice helped her be in peace.

Missing dad, I too missed her death by one hour. However, I believe our Hospice Nurse made sure I was not there.

As I type this, I have tears in my eyes, but I just let them flow. I was lucky that I retired at the end of December, so I was free to spend time with my mother at the end. I know there will be sad days, but on the whole, I am thankful that my mother is no longer in pain or in the deep confusion she suffered the last two years of her life.
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Eyerishlass, I would like to know how things have been for you? I loss my Dad just 2 months ago and it's been harder than I could ever have imagined. I'd like to know how long it took for it to get somewhat better for you.
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Irishlass, I feel for you. I lost my Dad in Feb - he was 90- I was his 24/7 caretaker for about 3 yrs. It seems like such a short time now. Just now in June it is hitting me that I can't ever see him or talk to him again. It is like there is a big hole in my heart and the world. I feel like I am in a dream and just going through the motions of life. I too am so forgetful, can't focus, don't want to get out of bed, don't want to see people, am very down on myself and keep re-living things and thinikng about what I cold have done differently. I get so sad sometimes I just moan.
I will see a grief counselor from Hospice tomorrow. Already cancelled one appnt but then made another one. I thought, oh there people worse off than me, I'll be alright. But I'm really not alright.
My father's mind was sharp right to the end. He depended on me but he didn't want to. He was a strong, determined man. He didn't want to give up and neither did I, but he wasn't going to get better. I didn't want to have Hospice but did it in the end as I didn't see any other way and wanted to keep him at home. He died at home.
Do go and talk to someone. It can't hurt. I care and grieve deeply for you and your loss.
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grief is like the ocean, its dark, deep and bigger than all of us. Lately ive been yelling and crying uncontrollably and I've been having a hard time identifying what im feeling. I took care of my family's grief first when we lost my dad on Dec 31 2015. It was my birthday last week and I swear I would've done something to have him hug me because of this ache I have inside me. losing a parent is hard. its even harder trying to deal with the grief now after 7 months in after his passing. I haven't reached out directly, ive brought it up to people who I think will understand me, its been difficult because I hear what I already know and feel. It hasn't surfaced how I want to because I don't want to be a downer. I cry at work, I just close my door and cry silently.I don't tell how I feel because everyone knows me as this bubbly girl whos always ready to make someone laugh or fire up a conversation, yet no one has noticed how ive been feeling. couple days ago, I was yelling into thin air asking questions as if I was ready to expect a reply, I posted how I felt on Facebook and guess what everyone said? "it will get better". I cant say its going to be okay, when I know its not going to be okay. I cant pretend that im not hurting. I did that, I put aside my grief so everyone else can have that one strong person for them. I have been trying to reach out, I'm slowly giving up on talking about it, but I also don't want to suffer in silence. Maybe a stranger can help more than the person who knows me inside out. I don't know, I needed to let out what I have been thinking where my people wont see.
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My dad died a little over a year ago. After reading your post others comments, I was shocked to find out that I never grieved. Actually..... I don't think I had much time. I didn't even know I was supposed to....... and I absolutely hate the process at this moment. Its great to find out how I've been feeling is normal, but I don't know how to do any of this. Am I supposed to act happy at work? I just don't know. I want to be professional, but then I get sad because I'm taking care of my elderly mom...... (which has also been triggering.). I'm ok for now.... I just wish I can feel ok all the time.
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And I also have to add that grief feels like an identity loss. I'm not a daughter anymore so it feels as if I don't have an identity... as if I suddenly don't even know who I am.... is that crazy? The only noncrazy thing is that since my dad died, i finally found others going similar experiences as me through these posts!!
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purpleroses,
dont ever underestimate the healing power of humor . my son was just murdered less than a week ago and his killers havent been brought to justice yet .
but here i am ( on another thread ) musing about a female deer outside who i know has an erotic interest in me . shes outside playing hard to get , im indoors playing the same game .
there aint nothing funny in my life right now . if i need humor im going to have to create it myself .
its either humor or blind rage . one is therapeudical the other is destructive and ultimately futile anyway ..
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Thank you Captain for posting!!!! I guess I was soooo busy withdrawing the past year that I had forgotten about humor. :).
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My Dad had passed two weeks ago, and it was sudden so I didn't have time start grieving while he was alive. Humor is so very important, and my Dad was a punster and even up to almost his last day, he was saying something funny.

I also find I cannot concentrate very well, my brain has become too scattered. Thank goodness I have a really good therapist I see who will help me through this. When my Mom passed in December I didn't have time to grieve as I was busy trying to get help for my Dad, who I was grateful was so easy going.

There are two cousins that will call me who are also trying to help me through this, both can make me laugh, so that is good :)

But it does scare me that I think I am on the way to my own dementia. Oh please let it be just stress from the past few years.
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I think when we go through this experience of caretaking, at first it seems like well, I will do this and then I will just go back to my life. But it doesn't happen that way, imo. This is a life changing thing. It can affect everything - marriage, career, family and friendships.
I took care of my father for 3 yrs before he died in Feb. One sister helped a lot and gave me breaks. She was a Godsend. We were a great team, my father included. But when he died, our world changed. Suddenly, our relationship with each other was different - confusing and uncomfortable. We had been so close, but now we were edgy and got on each other's nerves. It was upsetting. I guess we didn't know what to do with ourselves. It's OK now, 7 months later, but it took a while.
We had all those feelings so well described by others on this website - the profound sadness, the yearning and ache inside, the fear and lack of confidence, the inability to focus, the feeling of what do I do now? Even now, the pain still comes around in different forms and unexpectedly sometimes. Yet there are positive feelings now too - grateful for the person our Dad was, proud of what we were able to do.
One thing we took advantage of was Hospice. I urge everyone to do that if they can. In our area, Hospice provides free counseling for a while. My sister and I have gone together and separately for several visits and it has helped.
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Eyerishlass....I'm so sorry you lost your Father.I know it is hard.Since I lost my Mother 9 months ago now,I'm still having days where I just stare in space or other days where I cry all day but somehow I keep putting one foot in front of the other and I keep trying to trudge on.It's what our parents would want...For us to be happy and productive.A few things Iv'e done to try to help myself have sorta helped,like making some new routines and I did attend the 6 week grief course through Mom's Hospice that was offered and that was good and right now,I'm beginning to take walks around the block again like I used to with Mom and my cat Savvy.Some days are better than others for sure and I keep hearing people say that everyone grieves differently and it just takes time.It's so hard and I'm sorry you're going through all this too.Take good care of yourself,Lu
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How are people supposed to work and grieve at the same time? ...especially when everyone knows what happened?
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FreqFlyer.... grief does affect memory, so it may be tooo soon to worry about dimentia. I've known many people (relatives) that suffered from Alzheimers and helped take care of them. All I can say is to stay in the moment as much as possible and to not worry about dimentia quite yet. I think there are tests you can take for detection, but only if you truly feel the forgetfulness goes beyond grief.
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It has been since June, my dad.
Last night I awoke to a very tight throat and so many memories...
I cannot cry, but my heart is so full of pain.
I wonder how Eyerishlass is doing now....
never thought of asking hospice for help... thank you.
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Eyerish; I'm reviving your thread. It so explains the way I've been feeling, 4 months after my mom's passing. Foggy, fuzzy, irritable and ready to snap and everyone.

How long before you started feeling better and what helped????
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Thanks Barb for bringing this back to the top.
If Mets finds her way over here, she may feel better after a few tears and knowing she is not alone.
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jumping in here barb - I consider myself somewhat experienced in this area.

You are out of what is called the initial numbness, into the next stage of grieving. It does affect your brain, You might like the article titled "Grief Brain: It’s a Real Thing" by Melanie. I can identify with the irritability. My friend who lost both parents, her husband and her oldest son in 4 years put it this way, "I don't tolerate fools well now". My experience is that it is not just fools I don't tolerate when am grieving. Irritability, loss of self esteem, fatigue, poor memory and much more walk with you. Melanie writes about grief well. She lost a child which is the hardest grief to go through.

What helps? The 6 T's of grieving - talk (writing), tears, toil (the work of grief -it is exhausting and you need to look after yourself. ), touch, trust, and time if you do the other things

Grief needs to be felt and expressed. The upcoming holidays will trigger your grief. There is a void -an empty chair at the table so to speak. Developing new rituals like lighting a candle on special days in memory of your mother  can help. You can't bypass grief and you don't get over it, but you walk through it, and to some degree it stays with you.Your mother is not with you now, but your grief for her is. Honour it. (((((((hugs)))))) It isn't easy.
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