The grief over my dad's death has snuck up on me.

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My dad died May 11th. He was on hospice briefly and they offered grief counseling but I declined. My dad was dead, we had all been through hell, and I anticipated feeling sadness mingled with relief. And I did experience that. For a while. I certainly didn't see the need to go running off to a grief counselor!

In these past 3 months I have had problems with my memory in that I can't remember anything. It's affected my job. I've become irritable and depressed. Still I wondered why I was feeling all these things. It never occurred to me that it was grief! The other night the new kitten knocked over a plant and I proceeded to have a meltdown. I screamed and yelled and threw things, a reaction completely out of proportion to the tipped over plant. The next day I couldn't get out of bed until 4pm. Something was wrong with me and I was concerned. I felt fuzzy-headed, sad, confused. I took 2 days off work which didn't go over well with the boss but the day my dad died I called in to work to tell them my dad died and my boss said, "So you can't work your shift today?" And the 5 days I took off in the wake of my dad's death the office called me twice to ask me to come in. I don't expect warm fuzzies from my employer but I do expect her to act human. But anyway, that's not the point.

I think my dad's death has caught up with me. I did very little grieving when he died. There was so much to do and I was responsible for it all (with my brother's assistance). The 5 days I took off work when he died I grocery shopped, cleaned the house, and just did stuff you'd normally do when you have time off. The only difference was that I didn't have to drive to the NH everyday. I had all this free time and I put it to good use, or what I thought was good use. Now I'm thinking that I didn't use that time wisely because it appears to be backing up on me.

Right after my dad died, after the service and all of that stuff was done I think I just sealed up that hole in my heart and went on my way as usual. I put the grief on a shelf, I put the loss of my dad out of my life on a shelf and just kept going. Now I seem to have sprung a leak and I'm crying and thinking about my dad all the time and remembering his voice and thinking back to this time last year when he lived with us. We had no idea what was coming. I had no clue about the stress I was about to endure for months on end and how crazy it would make me feel.

I can't believe I wrapped up all of that pain and loss and sadness in a box and put it away where I couldn't see it. The fits of anger, the depression, the fogginess and lack of memory are all the result of grief! I never grieved. I got through it but I'm not sure I ever really felt it, or allowed myself to feel it. I've been going through all of this for over 2 months and it never occurred to me that grief is the reason. How dumb am I??

I made an appointment with my Dr. on Monday only because I have been experiencing things that are not normal for me and I thought it might be a good idea just to check in with him but I may call our hospice and take them up on their offer of free grief counseling. Or I'll wait and see, now that I've kind of pinpointed the problem, if these things continue to plague me. Although I kind of feel as if I shouldn't need counseling. People die all the time and their loved ones usually don't go running off to counseling, why should I need to? Except that it's interfering in my life and my ability to work.

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KEB- It is one of the roughest things in life, losing a parent especially if we love them so much. I am now almost a year and 9 months without my Dad. I miss him everyday. There are times when you think you are good and have dealt with the loss, and then such sadness will creep up on you or just show up at random times. Could be something that reminds you of them or just a thought.
My belief and faith in seeing him again offers some comfort. God has a way of healing those wounds. They may always remain tender to the touch. But, it will stop bleeding and the pain becomes manageable. But, The Lord is the only way I get through each day. Otherwise I would just be a big ball of sadness curled up under the covers never wanting to speak to no one, or do anything. I am only now after this time remembering what fun and laughing is like. I do not have it often yet, but I am seeing more clearly. I am only now trying to remember things I enjoy or want to do or was doing before. I know this is hard. It is so hard, but strength comes from above. I guarantee that. I am living proof of what God can do within a person and with a person. You said no one can fix this, can they? Yes, God can. Only He can. This is true.
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Me too. That is...I’m no longer motivated to work. I make an excellent salary & have a family to support but I have zero interest in going to work. My Dad died June 9th...from Parkinson's Dementia. I’ve spent the past 2 years caring for him remotely. I’m experiencing the same...going through the daily regimen with no interest in my job or the goals that lie ahead of me. I wonder if I’m depressed? I haven’t sought any help...nor do I care to. No one can fix this...can they?
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Hidden- Its a deal. Hang in there and may God bless you, as he knows what you need best.
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Thank you to you both for the kind words. Today was a better day than yesterday. Smeshue, knowing what im going through im so sorry you're going through the same with your father. I hope to see him in heaven some day as well. And I'll make you a deal, when we all get there. I'll introduce you to my dad as long as you promise to introduce me to yours. God bless you.
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Hidden- I share the sadness and loss of my Dad. It is a difficult thing. I loved him very much and miss him everyday. I cannot say that it gets easier, the loss. But I guess little by little it gets manageable. And I have hope of seeing him again. And sharing eternity with him, in heaven.
So sorry for your loss. May God bless you through this.
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I'm so sorry for the loss of your dad. I know it's hard not to think of the word forever when it comes to coping and living with loss of a loved one, but sometimes it helps a little to think of it as getting through moment by moment, hour by hour, one day at a time. Hugs to you, and prayers for you and your family during this difficult time.
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My father passed away on April 23rd. He hadn't been in great health for over a decade but went into the hospital on March 30th and was given 'months' to live. It was expected but a surprise that it ended up being a few weeks. I went into full just keep busy mode for the first week, helping my mom with arrangements and finding ways to keep her busy. I was sad but it was like being in a daze more than anything. The shock has worn off and the last 3 days have been pretty rough. Looking at pictures of my dad, crying it out, sleeping very little. The timeframe of 'forever' is really setting in. My dad was about my age when his father passed away, that was in 1979. My dad lived almost 40 years without his father and the thought of potentially living something similar without my dad is hard to stare down. As an adult I was able to appreciate how great of a father I had and what a good relationship I had with him. Im fortunate in the sense that there's no glaring 'what if's'. I cant think of anything I wish i had told him that I didnt or any unfinished business. I guess one way of viewing it is how sad I am just proved how great of a dad I had.
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tg - that is a big hit. What you describe is absolutely normal. For the most part grief does not go away entirely. You say you are still in adjustment mode. Missing a LO will go on. My father died about 40 years ago, but I still have moments of missing him. My son died about 15 years ago and I still can have tears over his loss. Being overly busy can be a way of avoiding grief, but sometimes the demands of life are so great we don't have time to do much grieving. Sounds like you are grieving your mum - missing her, talking to her, celebrating her on different days, keeping her in mind... Over time usually the need to do these things diminishes, I have found that the missing stays, but also that good memories stay, while the traumatic ones, from around the time of their passing, fade.

I have also found that sometimes there are triggers for the losses of the past - like the upcoming holidays, when memories of lost LOs come to the fore, symptoms of grief, as you and barb mentioned, appear again. I am feeling those this year while I didn't last year. I don't consider what you have described being a long time in terms of griefs I have known. I am not sure we ever "get there" in terms of being completely over it. Grief is a process that we walk through. The "normal" that we had is not "normal" anymore. We have to establish a new normal.

I am sorry your sibs are not more helpful. I have gotten over the resentment and a happy when my sib does not interfere or criticize. Wishing you and your family Merry Christmas and all the best for a good New Year.
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When mom died 4 years ago and I lost a grandmother and aunt in the same year it was a big hit. I immediately went into planning an logistic mode and made all the arrangements. I inherited dad and all the issues that come with that. multi state travel, finance, cleaning his house managing his health, dealing with his grief. I finally moved him in with me 9 months later. It wasn't until a few months after that that things finally hit me like a ton of bricks. Almost a year I was in a fog, forgetting things, lost business opportunities etc. Temper, outbursts, all of that came to the top. It really did take some time for me to adjust. I think I am still in adjustment mode. Not sure if I ever grieved properly. I am not sure how I am supposed to. I miss my mom a lot. I have a full house so there is never much down time for me. I guess things have settled for me on the mom side.Just dealing with dad now. I have a lot of resentment with siblings as only one helps (pays one bill). The other non existent so it is all up to me.
I try to stay busy (not hard to do). I celebrate mom on certain days. I keep her in my mind and talk to her once in a while so I guess I have grieved (for what I know), it just took a long time to get there?
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jumping in here barb - I consider myself somewhat experienced in this area.

You are out of what is called the initial numbness, into the next stage of grieving. It does affect your brain, You might like the article titled "Grief Brain: It’s a Real Thing" by Melanie. I can identify with the irritability. My friend who lost both parents, her husband and her oldest son in 4 years put it this way, "I don't tolerate fools well now". My experience is that it is not just fools I don't tolerate when am grieving. Irritability, loss of self esteem, fatigue, poor memory and much more walk with you. Melanie writes about grief well. She lost a child which is the hardest grief to go through.

What helps? The 6 T's of grieving - talk (writing), tears, toil (the work of grief -it is exhausting and you need to look after yourself. ), touch, trust, and time if you do the other things

Grief needs to be felt and expressed. The upcoming holidays will trigger your grief. There is a void -an empty chair at the table so to speak. Developing new rituals like lighting a candle on special days in memory of your mother  can help. You can't bypass grief and you don't get over it, but you walk through it, and to some degree it stays with you.Your mother is not with you now, but your grief for her is. Honour it. (((((((hugs)))))) It isn't easy.
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