Follow
Share

My dad died May 11th. He was on hospice briefly and they offered grief counseling but I declined. My dad was dead, we had all been through hell, and I anticipated feeling sadness mingled with relief. And I did experience that. For a while. I certainly didn't see the need to go running off to a grief counselor!

In these past 3 months I have had problems with my memory in that I can't remember anything. It's affected my job. I've become irritable and depressed. Still I wondered why I was feeling all these things. It never occurred to me that it was grief! The other night the new kitten knocked over a plant and I proceeded to have a meltdown. I screamed and yelled and threw things, a reaction completely out of proportion to the tipped over plant. The next day I couldn't get out of bed until 4pm. Something was wrong with me and I was concerned. I felt fuzzy-headed, sad, confused. I took 2 days off work which didn't go over well with the boss but the day my dad died I called in to work to tell them my dad died and my boss said, "So you can't work your shift today?" And the 5 days I took off in the wake of my dad's death the office called me twice to ask me to come in. I don't expect warm fuzzies from my employer but I do expect her to act human. But anyway, that's not the point.

I think my dad's death has caught up with me. I did very little grieving when he died. There was so much to do and I was responsible for it all (with my brother's assistance). The 5 days I took off work when he died I grocery shopped, cleaned the house, and just did stuff you'd normally do when you have time off. The only difference was that I didn't have to drive to the NH everyday. I had all this free time and I put it to good use, or what I thought was good use. Now I'm thinking that I didn't use that time wisely because it appears to be backing up on me.

Right after my dad died, after the service and all of that stuff was done I think I just sealed up that hole in my heart and went on my way as usual. I put the grief on a shelf, I put the loss of my dad out of my life on a shelf and just kept going. Now I seem to have sprung a leak and I'm crying and thinking about my dad all the time and remembering his voice and thinking back to this time last year when he lived with us. We had no idea what was coming. I had no clue about the stress I was about to endure for months on end and how crazy it would make me feel.

I can't believe I wrapped up all of that pain and loss and sadness in a box and put it away where I couldn't see it. The fits of anger, the depression, the fogginess and lack of memory are all the result of grief! I never grieved. I got through it but I'm not sure I ever really felt it, or allowed myself to feel it. I've been going through all of this for over 2 months and it never occurred to me that grief is the reason. How dumb am I??

I made an appointment with my Dr. on Monday only because I have been experiencing things that are not normal for me and I thought it might be a good idea just to check in with him but I may call our hospice and take them up on their offer of free grief counseling. Or I'll wait and see, now that I've kind of pinpointed the problem, if these things continue to plague me. Although I kind of feel as if I shouldn't need counseling. People die all the time and their loved ones usually don't go running off to counseling, why should I need to? Except that it's interfering in my life and my ability to work.

Find Care & Housing
KEB- It is one of the roughest things in life, losing a parent especially if we love them so much. I am now almost a year and 9 months without my Dad. I miss him everyday. There are times when you think you are good and have dealt with the loss, and then such sadness will creep up on you or just show up at random times. Could be something that reminds you of them or just a thought.
My belief and faith in seeing him again offers some comfort. God has a way of healing those wounds. They may always remain tender to the touch. But, it will stop bleeding and the pain becomes manageable. But, The Lord is the only way I get through each day. Otherwise I would just be a big ball of sadness curled up under the covers never wanting to speak to no one, or do anything. I am only now after this time remembering what fun and laughing is like. I do not have it often yet, but I am seeing more clearly. I am only now trying to remember things I enjoy or want to do or was doing before. I know this is hard. It is so hard, but strength comes from above. I guarantee that. I am living proof of what God can do within a person and with a person. You said no one can fix this, can they? Yes, God can. Only He can. This is true.
(0)
Report

Me too. That is...I’m no longer motivated to work. I make an excellent salary & have a family to support but I have zero interest in going to work. My Dad died June 9th...from Parkinson's Dementia. I’ve spent the past 2 years caring for him remotely. I’m experiencing the same...going through the daily regimen with no interest in my job or the goals that lie ahead of me. I wonder if I’m depressed? I haven’t sought any help...nor do I care to. No one can fix this...can they?
(0)
Report

Hidden- Its a deal. Hang in there and may God bless you, as he knows what you need best.
(1)
Report

Thank you to you both for the kind words. Today was a better day than yesterday. Smeshue, knowing what im going through im so sorry you're going through the same with your father. I hope to see him in heaven some day as well. And I'll make you a deal, when we all get there. I'll introduce you to my dad as long as you promise to introduce me to yours. God bless you.
(2)
Report

Hidden- I share the sadness and loss of my Dad. It is a difficult thing. I loved him very much and miss him everyday. I cannot say that it gets easier, the loss. But I guess little by little it gets manageable. And I have hope of seeing him again. And sharing eternity with him, in heaven.
So sorry for your loss. May God bless you through this.
(2)
Report

I'm so sorry for the loss of your dad. I know it's hard not to think of the word forever when it comes to coping and living with loss of a loved one, but sometimes it helps a little to think of it as getting through moment by moment, hour by hour, one day at a time. Hugs to you, and prayers for you and your family during this difficult time.
(2)
Report

My father passed away on April 23rd. He hadn't been in great health for over a decade but went into the hospital on March 30th and was given 'months' to live. It was expected but a surprise that it ended up being a few weeks. I went into full just keep busy mode for the first week, helping my mom with arrangements and finding ways to keep her busy. I was sad but it was like being in a daze more than anything. The shock has worn off and the last 3 days have been pretty rough. Looking at pictures of my dad, crying it out, sleeping very little. The timeframe of 'forever' is really setting in. My dad was about my age when his father passed away, that was in 1979. My dad lived almost 40 years without his father and the thought of potentially living something similar without my dad is hard to stare down. As an adult I was able to appreciate how great of a father I had and what a good relationship I had with him. Im fortunate in the sense that there's no glaring 'what if's'. I cant think of anything I wish i had told him that I didnt or any unfinished business. I guess one way of viewing it is how sad I am just proved how great of a dad I had.
(3)
Report

tg - that is a big hit. What you describe is absolutely normal. For the most part grief does not go away entirely. You say you are still in adjustment mode. Missing a LO will go on. My father died about 40 years ago, but I still have moments of missing him. My son died about 15 years ago and I still can have tears over his loss. Being overly busy can be a way of avoiding grief, but sometimes the demands of life are so great we don't have time to do much grieving. Sounds like you are grieving your mum - missing her, talking to her, celebrating her on different days, keeping her in mind... Over time usually the need to do these things diminishes, I have found that the missing stays, but also that good memories stay, while the traumatic ones, from around the time of their passing, fade.

I have also found that sometimes there are triggers for the losses of the past - like the upcoming holidays, when memories of lost LOs come to the fore, symptoms of grief, as you and barb mentioned, appear again. I am feeling those this year while I didn't last year. I don't consider what you have described being a long time in terms of griefs I have known. I am not sure we ever "get there" in terms of being completely over it. Grief is a process that we walk through. The "normal" that we had is not "normal" anymore. We have to establish a new normal.

I am sorry your sibs are not more helpful. I have gotten over the resentment and a happy when my sib does not interfere or criticize. Wishing you and your family Merry Christmas and all the best for a good New Year.
(1)
Report

When mom died 4 years ago and I lost a grandmother and aunt in the same year it was a big hit. I immediately went into planning an logistic mode and made all the arrangements. I inherited dad and all the issues that come with that. multi state travel, finance, cleaning his house managing his health, dealing with his grief. I finally moved him in with me 9 months later. It wasn't until a few months after that that things finally hit me like a ton of bricks. Almost a year I was in a fog, forgetting things, lost business opportunities etc. Temper, outbursts, all of that came to the top. It really did take some time for me to adjust. I think I am still in adjustment mode. Not sure if I ever grieved properly. I am not sure how I am supposed to. I miss my mom a lot. I have a full house so there is never much down time for me. I guess things have settled for me on the mom side.Just dealing with dad now. I have a lot of resentment with siblings as only one helps (pays one bill). The other non existent so it is all up to me.
I try to stay busy (not hard to do). I celebrate mom on certain days. I keep her in my mind and talk to her once in a while so I guess I have grieved (for what I know), it just took a long time to get there?
(1)
Report

jumping in here barb - I consider myself somewhat experienced in this area.

You are out of what is called the initial numbness, into the next stage of grieving. It does affect your brain, You might like the article titled "Grief Brain: It’s a Real Thing" by Melanie. I can identify with the irritability. My friend who lost both parents, her husband and her oldest son in 4 years put it this way, "I don't tolerate fools well now". My experience is that it is not just fools I don't tolerate when am grieving. Irritability, loss of self esteem, fatigue, poor memory and much more walk with you. Melanie writes about grief well. She lost a child which is the hardest grief to go through.

What helps? The 6 T's of grieving - talk (writing), tears, toil (the work of grief -it is exhausting and you need to look after yourself. ), touch, trust, and time if you do the other things

Grief needs to be felt and expressed. The upcoming holidays will trigger your grief. There is a void -an empty chair at the table so to speak. Developing new rituals like lighting a candle on special days in memory of your mother  can help. You can't bypass grief and you don't get over it, but you walk through it, and to some degree it stays with you.Your mother is not with you now, but your grief for her is. Honour it. (((((((hugs)))))) It isn't easy.
(4)
Report

Thanks Barb for bringing this back to the top.
If Mets finds her way over here, she may feel better after a few tears and knowing she is not alone.
(1)
Report

Eyerish; I'm reviving your thread. It so explains the way I've been feeling, 4 months after my mom's passing. Foggy, fuzzy, irritable and ready to snap and everyone.

How long before you started feeling better and what helped????
(3)
Report

It has been since June, my dad.
Last night I awoke to a very tight throat and so many memories...
I cannot cry, but my heart is so full of pain.
I wonder how Eyerishlass is doing now....
never thought of asking hospice for help... thank you.
(3)
Report

FreqFlyer.... grief does affect memory, so it may be tooo soon to worry about dimentia. I've known many people (relatives) that suffered from Alzheimers and helped take care of them. All I can say is to stay in the moment as much as possible and to not worry about dimentia quite yet. I think there are tests you can take for detection, but only if you truly feel the forgetfulness goes beyond grief.
(2)
Report

How are people supposed to work and grieve at the same time? ...especially when everyone knows what happened?
(1)
Report

Eyerishlass....I'm so sorry you lost your Father.I know it is hard.Since I lost my Mother 9 months ago now,I'm still having days where I just stare in space or other days where I cry all day but somehow I keep putting one foot in front of the other and I keep trying to trudge on.It's what our parents would want...For us to be happy and productive.A few things Iv'e done to try to help myself have sorta helped,like making some new routines and I did attend the 6 week grief course through Mom's Hospice that was offered and that was good and right now,I'm beginning to take walks around the block again like I used to with Mom and my cat Savvy.Some days are better than others for sure and I keep hearing people say that everyone grieves differently and it just takes time.It's so hard and I'm sorry you're going through all this too.Take good care of yourself,Lu
(5)
Report

I think when we go through this experience of caretaking, at first it seems like well, I will do this and then I will just go back to my life. But it doesn't happen that way, imo. This is a life changing thing. It can affect everything - marriage, career, family and friendships.
I took care of my father for 3 yrs before he died in Feb. One sister helped a lot and gave me breaks. She was a Godsend. We were a great team, my father included. But when he died, our world changed. Suddenly, our relationship with each other was different - confusing and uncomfortable. We had been so close, but now we were edgy and got on each other's nerves. It was upsetting. I guess we didn't know what to do with ourselves. It's OK now, 7 months later, but it took a while.
We had all those feelings so well described by others on this website - the profound sadness, the yearning and ache inside, the fear and lack of confidence, the inability to focus, the feeling of what do I do now? Even now, the pain still comes around in different forms and unexpectedly sometimes. Yet there are positive feelings now too - grateful for the person our Dad was, proud of what we were able to do.
One thing we took advantage of was Hospice. I urge everyone to do that if they can. In our area, Hospice provides free counseling for a while. My sister and I have gone together and separately for several visits and it has helped.
(4)
Report

My Dad had passed two weeks ago, and it was sudden so I didn't have time start grieving while he was alive. Humor is so very important, and my Dad was a punster and even up to almost his last day, he was saying something funny.

I also find I cannot concentrate very well, my brain has become too scattered. Thank goodness I have a really good therapist I see who will help me through this. When my Mom passed in December I didn't have time to grieve as I was busy trying to get help for my Dad, who I was grateful was so easy going.

There are two cousins that will call me who are also trying to help me through this, both can make me laugh, so that is good :)

But it does scare me that I think I am on the way to my own dementia. Oh please let it be just stress from the past few years.
(3)
Report

Thank you Captain for posting!!!! I guess I was soooo busy withdrawing the past year that I had forgotten about humor. :).
(1)
Report

purpleroses,
dont ever underestimate the healing power of humor . my son was just murdered less than a week ago and his killers havent been brought to justice yet .
but here i am ( on another thread ) musing about a female deer outside who i know has an erotic interest in me . shes outside playing hard to get , im indoors playing the same game .
there aint nothing funny in my life right now . if i need humor im going to have to create it myself .
its either humor or blind rage . one is therapeudical the other is destructive and ultimately futile anyway ..
(5)
Report

And I also have to add that grief feels like an identity loss. I'm not a daughter anymore so it feels as if I don't have an identity... as if I suddenly don't even know who I am.... is that crazy? The only noncrazy thing is that since my dad died, i finally found others going similar experiences as me through these posts!!
(2)
Report

My dad died a little over a year ago. After reading your post others comments, I was shocked to find out that I never grieved. Actually..... I don't think I had much time. I didn't even know I was supposed to....... and I absolutely hate the process at this moment. Its great to find out how I've been feeling is normal, but I don't know how to do any of this. Am I supposed to act happy at work? I just don't know. I want to be professional, but then I get sad because I'm taking care of my elderly mom...... (which has also been triggering.). I'm ok for now.... I just wish I can feel ok all the time.
(0)
Report

grief is like the ocean, its dark, deep and bigger than all of us. Lately ive been yelling and crying uncontrollably and I've been having a hard time identifying what im feeling. I took care of my family's grief first when we lost my dad on Dec 31 2015. It was my birthday last week and I swear I would've done something to have him hug me because of this ache I have inside me. losing a parent is hard. its even harder trying to deal with the grief now after 7 months in after his passing. I haven't reached out directly, ive brought it up to people who I think will understand me, its been difficult because I hear what I already know and feel. It hasn't surfaced how I want to because I don't want to be a downer. I cry at work, I just close my door and cry silently.I don't tell how I feel because everyone knows me as this bubbly girl whos always ready to make someone laugh or fire up a conversation, yet no one has noticed how ive been feeling. couple days ago, I was yelling into thin air asking questions as if I was ready to expect a reply, I posted how I felt on Facebook and guess what everyone said? "it will get better". I cant say its going to be okay, when I know its not going to be okay. I cant pretend that im not hurting. I did that, I put aside my grief so everyone else can have that one strong person for them. I have been trying to reach out, I'm slowly giving up on talking about it, but I also don't want to suffer in silence. Maybe a stranger can help more than the person who knows me inside out. I don't know, I needed to let out what I have been thinking where my people wont see.
(3)
Report

Irishlass, I feel for you. I lost my Dad in Feb - he was 90- I was his 24/7 caretaker for about 3 yrs. It seems like such a short time now. Just now in June it is hitting me that I can't ever see him or talk to him again. It is like there is a big hole in my heart and the world. I feel like I am in a dream and just going through the motions of life. I too am so forgetful, can't focus, don't want to get out of bed, don't want to see people, am very down on myself and keep re-living things and thinikng about what I cold have done differently. I get so sad sometimes I just moan.
I will see a grief counselor from Hospice tomorrow. Already cancelled one appnt but then made another one. I thought, oh there people worse off than me, I'll be alright. But I'm really not alright.
My father's mind was sharp right to the end. He depended on me but he didn't want to. He was a strong, determined man. He didn't want to give up and neither did I, but he wasn't going to get better. I didn't want to have Hospice but did it in the end as I didn't see any other way and wanted to keep him at home. He died at home.
Do go and talk to someone. It can't hurt. I care and grieve deeply for you and your loss.
(1)
Report

Eyerishlass, I would like to know how things have been for you? I loss my Dad just 2 months ago and it's been harder than I could ever have imagined. I'd like to know how long it took for it to get somewhat better for you.
(0)
Report

Eyerishlass, I lost my mother on May 19th. I miss her terribly, because we were also best friends, my confident, and caretaker. She lived with me for 24 years. She took over household chores, cooking, and helping with my two teenage daughters. I worked all day and went to school at night. Without her, I would never had gotten my college degree. I remarried, and she then took care of my husband and me. When the tables were turned, we took care of her. When she could no longer be alone during the day, we had to place her in Assisted Living.

During the last four years at AL, I was constantly grieving. Every time we celebrated a birthday, mother's day, Christmas, I would end up with tears in my eyes. I never knew when it would be the last time I would celebrate with her. She died a painful death, but Hospice helped her be in peace.

Missing dad, I too missed her death by one hour. However, I believe our Hospice Nurse made sure I was not there.

As I type this, I have tears in my eyes, but I just let them flow. I was lucky that I retired at the end of December, so I was free to spend time with my mother at the end. I know there will be sad days, but on the whole, I am thankful that my mother is no longer in pain or in the deep confusion she suffered the last two years of her life.
(2)
Report

Eyerishlass, your post was so emotional, so sensitive and poignant that I felt transported right into your life and feel the grief you're experiencing. I can't offer much after the very insightful and helpful advice of others, especially Emjo, but just wanted to offer my condolences as well as my encouragement of just letting yourself grieve as often as necessary (but not with your nasty boss!) and allow yourself time to remember your father and cherish all that he was.

Indulge and be kind to yourself. Try to remember the happy times and gradually they'll replace the sadder times.
(3)
Report

I lost my 91 year old father 7 months ago and I have a lot of sadness about not being with him when he died. He was a loving caretaker of my alcoholic mother and brother which were a huge burden and caused lots of sadness and dysfunction in our family. He did so much for others...and asked for so little .... I wish I could just let go and look at the good times I spend with him during his last years....but I keep fixating on not being with him during his last hours. I am usually a pretty accepting person who does not beat myself up. I was good to my Dad during his life. It is like I am feeling all the grief that he never expressed (but must have felt) over my alcoholic family members who were constantly disappointing him. He always chose to be happy....He deserved better. I wish I had been able to stay up with him that last night when I had an idea that it might be his last.
(2)
Report

bb
(0)
Report

eyerishlass, other people may have not needed to run to grief counselors, but they didn't have a dad that was as awesome as yours. I remember reading what you wrote when your father died. He was not only your father and friend, he was a big part of your world. I imagine that losing him was a bit like ripping away one of your horizons, though you may not have known it yourself. Maybe counseling will help you feel the grief and heal. Grief feels terrible, but sometimes we have to go through it. It is the price we pay for having someone awesome in our lives.

You will be okay. Big hugs from Alabama.
(4)
Report

Subscribe to
Our Newsletter