My grandmother lives alone. She has arthritis, diabetes, and gets sick frequently, and isn't in her right mind 50% of the time.

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My mother has POA and lives in a different state is retired and cares for my father with heart issues and needs to be there to help him some. The problem is grandma doesn't want to move in with mom or go to a facility of some kind and insist she can live independently. She can't walk well or drive anymore and cannot live without depending on someone to take her to dr. grocery, pharmacy, won't follow dr orders and keeps getting sick and hospitalized monthly if not more frequently. When she gets sick (frequently)she usually is incoherent and out of it. But she has times she is of sound mind and says she won't be put away and she is staying in her home. Mom feels that she that as long as she has periods of soundness and doesn't want to go anywhere that she cannot force her to move in with her or go to facility. Most of the rest of the family feels like due to the periods of incoherence and her inability to drive or care for herself independently that her staying alone is dangerous because she doesn't know when she has lost her faculties and cannot care for herself. No one is able to move in with her and she doesn't want them to and she won't go to mom's so she can care for her 24/7. Even with grandkids and her daughters doing things (going to dr hospital, cleaning, grocery shopping and cooking when we are able to be there) she is at home alone most of the time. There are some family nearby but none of them are able to be there or get there 24/7 because they care or are caring for themselves or other family members. They believe she isn't sound enough to be alone and aren't able to help any more than they already have and want Mom to take her her home with her or put her in a facility. Mom says she can't make grandma and won't put her anywhere against her will. The doctors have been led to believe that she has someone that can be there at any moment or can check in enough that we can catch something before she hurts herself or gets hurt. But that is not the truth, some have jobs or illnesses of their own and cannot just drop whatever to get there at a moments notice and mom is at least 2 1/2 hrs away. Mom says she will do something when the doctors tell her she has to and she has no choice. There have been incidents the doctors know about that where grandma did dangerous things when she wasn't in her right mind and was sick. No doctors have said Grandma cannot live alone or requires 24 hr attention or forced Mom to make a decision for 24hr care.What do we do? What can we do before grandma falls, ets hurt or dies?

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sounds like my granny im always with her because its hard for her to walk or stand long her legs are always swollen it hurts to put clothes on and off its so sad to watch but you gotta be there for them you know....but we've been to so many dr.'s and because shes so old they wont let her get surgery to get rid of the arthritis in the spinal cord so its just so horrible they have her on at least 26 medications and nothing helps i mean they might as well have her doped up on morphine at home all day poor lady they gives her norcos the new vicodin and its strong but does nothing for her pain and we keep telling them its like the dr.s dont care SOMEONE PLEASE HELP ME WHAT CANT SHE DO?? MUCH LOVE TAKE CARE
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We are stressed as I write mom left yesterday to go to grandmas again for the last few months mom is going and coming home at least once a week and having to stay several days. Dad is due to have surgery this thurs and grandma went to hospital this past fri and was diagnosed with cellitis. Mom is hoping to bring grandma home so she can be with dad for surgery. It all depends on whether grandma agrees to come with her. She has upset the family near by being stubborn. Her other daughter had gallbladder surgery thurs and her husband is having back fusion week after next the grands nearby just started new jobs and the others have just had babies recently. If she doesn't come home with mom there is no one there to help to take her to the dr appts at least 2-3 a week and running urine to dr to monitor her frequent bladder infections. Grandma says she can't drink more and doesn't want to have to pee that much. Yet each week something new is coming up. She doesn't want to eat any of the things we have gotten to keep her from trying to cook and when anyone takes her something to eat "it's not what she wants" she burning things when she cooks and request daily trips to grocery to pick such and such up its gotten uncontrollable. She doesn't seem to understand that its asking to much of those around her. My mom takes her to the grocery each week and takes her out alot when she's there and grandma just doesn't get the financial impact this is making on my mom running state to state and going back and forth to the various dr each week even sometime twice in a day. My mom is so stressed its making her sick. I can't afford to go up several times a week to take grandma to the various appts or run her out to eat because she doesn't want anything at home. Grandma was extremely frugal when she was mobile and didn't behave like this until the family took her car away because to kept crashing it into her garage and went driving while she was incoherent last time. A store manager found her stuck in the car after she pulled next to a dumpster and couldn't open the door to get out. It was 90 degrees that day and she had been to the dr and gotten a treatment for the arthritis. She seemed fine when she ad left but gotten sick incoherent and lost. It had been about 5 hours later that a store manager found her and called 911. She wasn't coherent enough to roll the windows down or crank the car and cut on air. All this because she had gotten a bladder infection and did't know or say anything to dr. That is why we took the car away and someone had to be with her to talk to the dr and explain what's going on recently and why each is checking her for infection before the do any treatments. Most of the time she can't urinate because she won't drink enough. They will occasionally will hook her up to put in fluids so they can get a specimen for testing but just as frequently we have to take her home and wait til she can urinate then take it to then for testing. Sorry about the venting just upset trying to figure out whats in store for the coming week and wondering if grandma will go along or pitch a fit.
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This sounds just like my dad. Dad lived 50 miles away & there is no other family to care for him. My husband & I would visit 2-3 times a week , buying groceries, taking him to the dr, refilling his meds, etc. Dad got progressively worse in 2 years, We tried & tried to convince him to move to assisted living or have someone come in the home on a daily basis. He finally agreed to Meals on Wheels. In Dec & Jan of this year, he had several falls. The last one in Jan, caused bleeding on the brain & he had a stroke. Dad was hospitalized for 3 days & then came to live with us. At that time he could not walk, was incoherent & could not go to the bathroom by himself. A PT & nurse were making home visits. The PT told us no matter what you do or precautions you take, dad may fall. Dad is doing very well now, walks with a cane, makes his own bed & reads the paper every day. But 2 weeks ago, he fell 2x in one day! Fortunately, he was ok, just a bit of bruising. One of the falls I was just 2 feet away from him & the other fall occurred at night when he got up without his cane. The dr in the emergency room told me his own mother refused any help. Then she fell & was found in her own feces & urine. This is such a difficult situation. I can tell you are a caring & loving family.
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Grandma has been running the home health and physical therapy people off when she isn't sick or doesn't want to be bothered with other people making her do things she doesn't what to do. For months we have been dealing with her not drinking and getting dehydrated and bladder infections that send her into her incoherence.
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29212....
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What zip code she lives in?
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How old is Grandma? What does she get sick from so often? Does she live in a house, an apartment, a mobile home ... what?

In some ways, she sounds to be in a similar situation to my mother. Ma, 92, cannot drive, walks painfully with a walker, has a hard time following doctor orders, can no longer cook but can use microwave. She is living alone in a senior citizen high rise. Obviously she is not "independent." Here is what my sisters and I have arranged for her:
Meals on Wheels. She loves it and we know that someone comes to her door daily.
Microwavalbe meals in the freezer.
Homemaker service to do her laundry and clean the small apartment.
Visiting nurse to monitor her meds. She is getting a timed pill dispenser to help ensure she takes only the meds she should each day.
One son (disabled himself) is able to to visit her almost daily. He is now on vacation and "the girls" (as Ma refers to her 4 daughters) will be increasing their own visits during that period. Ma has family visits several times a week.
We are now a little concerned about bathing, and we will be working out a solution to that.

In other words, Ma is living alone, but not "independently."

Before considering a care center for Grandma, someone should take charge of getting her in-home help, as we did for my mother. For us, this started with contacting Social Services in her county. Social Services prefers the smaller cost of keeping elders in their homes compared to a nursing home and they really do help locate resources to make that possible.

Any one who is familiar with my posts knows that I am NOT anti-care centers. Often that is the best solution for everyone. But it is not necessarily the first choice when elders began declining. Often giving them the support to stay at home "safely" can be the first step.

I put "safely" in quotes because her is the bottom line: My mother is going to die. Your grandmother is going to die. (So are you and I.) No one is "safe" against that absolute certainty. My other is at risk for falling, and she has fallen at home, and might fall in a nursing home. My husband (dementia) has swallowing problems and he might choke or aspirate at home or in a care center. We cannot arrange to keep our loved ones 100% safe. We can take reasonable steps to minimize their risks.

Good luck to your family as they work this out.
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