I think I'm going to have to go even *more* low contact with my grandmother than I already have. I did not speak to her at all from May until just last week, when a bunch of relative gathered at my grandparents' cottage for a last hurrah before it is sold. Just like the gathering at the cottage last year, my grandmother was extremely toxic to me every time she got me alone. This time, if I even slightly failed to meet her expectations, she lashed out at me - but again, she saved it till we were alone. She managed *not* to lash out at anyone else I noticed, not even my two nieces who can be a handful at times.
This last visit clinches it, she sees me as an acceptable target for verbal and emotional abuse and dementia or no, it IS within her control. So that's it. She'll get a few calls a year from me and maybe one afternoon visit.
Of course, how this will get circulated in the family is "margarets hardly has anything to do with her grandmother, isn't that terrible?"
What a train wreck.
Sending cards is a good idea, although if grandma is determined to make you seem like a heartless b*tch, she might just toss them in the trash before the relatives see them.
I suggest taking care to never be alone with her, or if you are alone with her, give her what-for for being so nasty to you. There's no reason why you have to meekly take her abuse, although it seems like you're not the type to chew out a "poor little old lady," despite the fact that she treats you like dirt. If you're not up to giving her a tongue-lashing, just avoid her.
After you telephone your Grandmother, tells other family members how well she is doing or if she needs anything.
Send Grandma greeting cards every now and then, doesn't have to be a special occasion, just thinking about you cards are nice. I doubt she will throw away a real pretty card, to which others will check out, out of curiosity.