Grandchildren taking care of grandparents...

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In reading posts today I again saw where a grandchild has moved in with a grandparent to care for them. Where are the parents/children in all this? Grandchildren should be able to concentrate on their lives. Quitting jobs so no benefits or contributing to their SS for the future. And believe me 40 yrs goes by faster than you think. I don't feel that adult children should be made responsible financially for parents or have to live with the 24/7 to caring for them. But I do feel they have a responsibility to see a parent gets the proper care. Either setting something up in the home or seeing they are safe in an AL or NH. I feel there should be something between a POA and guardianship when it's deemed someone can no longer stay in their own home. So these caregivers with stubborn parents have another avenue. But to have a grandchild take on this responsibility just doesn't seem right.

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Thank you for sharing freqflyer. I feel like your stepdaughter and a bit resentful for having to pick up the slack of caring for my grandmother. My aunts and uncles all had issues with her, but I tried my best to be a team player and fill in the gap.

I think I was younger and didn't know better. But after 13 years it just wore me down. After she passed, I had resentment as well. It was magnified because I felt she took time away from my own father who needed me too. My father (his ex mother in law) who didn't even like her.
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My sig other's daughter after 20+ years still resented how much time she needed to take care of her grandparents in the afternoon after high school got out and later when she was in local university.

She resented that she couldn't be with her friends in the afternoon during her high school years. She resented that she had to go to a local university which cost her twice as much as a smaller college that she really wanted to attend that was elsewhere in the State.

I didn't know her Dad during that time frame, so I am only going by what she had told me. Now that she is 40, she is still an unhappy camper. She loved her grandparents dearly, but thought her parents should have been there instead of her. Her parents did help during the final weeks.
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It’s a win win. Grandchildren learn empathy, caregiving skills, and can save wasted rental income to start their own business at some point with the capital they create from not blowing it on rent. They don’t become slaves. It’s a scheduled arrangement and not to be the kind where the sole caregivers become the grandchildren and no one else of course. Grandpa can sit in on grandsons Fri night poker games and pass down some hard life lessons. It’s precisely the separation of the generations that cause insensitive adults lacking empathy for other human beings and the aging process. Our culture is clueless on what it feels like to grow old and I’m not prepared and the majority are insensitive. Walk into a nursing home and see how lonely and pathetic it is. If we see the aging process of clothes with more likely to take better care of our health but eating right getting more exercise integrating variety in our lives because we know how the loss of mobility affects us If we grow up witnessing our grandparents decline. There are “Blue Zones” where centenarians are integrated into their families. We can learn a few things from these arrangements. There’s the nursing home program in Finland that combines nursing homes with college student apartments where young adults donate 10 hours a week or was it month of their time to an elderly person in exchange for very discounted rent. It’s all about having money and holding on to it with creative cost effective living arrangements while also learning to become a noble caring human being.
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Although i raised my granddaughter and took care of dad untill he passed. Im having a very hard time doing the same with my mom. She didnt raise me,my father did. He was both mother and father to me
Although i live with my mom and do as much as i can for her (shes physically in pretty good shape) she rarely has a nice word to say to me. She was abusive to me as a child and shes still abusive. This place has been a place where i can see that im not alone. I think alot of others probably feel the same.
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Sundaisy, this thread started out as a question as to why it seemed grandchildren were taken care of grandparents alot. It seemed to get off topic. As said, sometimes caregivers need to vent. That's what this forum is about. People helping each other sometimes making decisions. Others with strong viewpoints. In the end, we all do what we feel is right for us.
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Sundaisey, this site is full of people who are doing amazing things to care for their elderly relatives. They often use this site to vent about their problems, because they have no-one else to say it to safely. In many cases, they can’t even get out of the house to talk to anyone! It would be good to look behind the problems, and see what people are actually doing.
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I am sorry that I offended anyone but the reality is that going forward is not going to be easy for anyone. I understand dysfunctional families. My step-father was emotional and verbally abusive, but I would brought him into my home if he had lived. I never told anyone that they had to take the person in but I do believe they have to make the arrangements for their parents/grandparents. For a lot of us, it is not a choice and I certainly would not advocate suicide for the elderly because that could easily lead to suicide against your wishes. Some of you give the impression that you could care less if the elderly end up on the streets.(which many probably will). I am frustrated with the mean-spirit that I seem to encounter on this site. I know that a lot of you don't believe that you owe your parents anything. You didn't ask to be born. It is their fault that they can't take care of themselves and it is not your problem. That story is as old as the hills and not part of the solution. I think at this point this site (for me) does more harm than good. I must have a radically different viewpoint than the rest of you because I believe that family not government should decide. But I will say this: 1. You as a family should get together and decide what is best.(I still believe this is best) 2. For those that are disable themselves or have disable children that can't help, then their should be government help. 3. I pray that there is never a suicide solution to the problem. Before you jump down my throat, I will say that is my opinion. I wish everyone here the best and hopefully you can find what works for your family.
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I am 53 and took in my 95 year old grandmother. Prior to that I took care of my mother who had MS. And yes have a full time kid. Not because I had to. Not to get paid. Because I wanted to. When I think of all the sacrifices they made for me to be the person I am today I wouldn’t have it any other way. We get state assistance that pays for caregivers while I’m at work plus have a small supportive network of people that I would trust with my life. I have been surprised by the number of people that half said why don’t you make it easier for yourself and put her ( both my mom and gmom) in a nursing home. I have no kind of response to that question because for me that’s not an option. 4 out of 5 of my gmom’s children are deceased including my mom. I’m not married but have a 17 year old daughter getting ready to go to college. This is my normal life.
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I agree that this country needs some affordable choices. It's not so much caring for a parent is that it becomes a 24/7 job. Some children don't have a choice to quit work. Bills have to be paid.

Now when it comes to the previous generation saving towards retirement, my parents had 4 children. Dad had a job where he made a living wage. We lived from pay to pay. He Didn't want Mom working while we were in school. By the time the last child graduated from high school, my Dad was on SSD for heart disease. Mom then became his caretaker. There was never any extra money. The money Mom did have to put her into an AL came from Dads life insurance she put in CDs.

Everyone's situation is different. What works for one Doesn't work for everyone. We do what we have to.
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Generations ago, a couple would have a lot of children. I am an only child, but my Dad's 2 brothers had 5 and 6 children, thus my Dad's Mom always had someone to help her as those children were now grown and married, and still lived nearby. My parents had moved numerous times with my Dad's career so they were never close enough to help either side of the family.

Then back another generation, my family tree on my Dad's side, many were farmers and it wasn't unusual for couples to have 10 to 15 children [yes, some didn't live past 1 or 2 years old], thus when the parents became elderly, there was a mob of grown children with their spouses to help. Or a daughter who never married.  Plus almost everyone lived in the same small towns or very nearby communities. Back then, no social security [1935] nor Medicare [1966] or Medicaid [1965].

Many lived to be in their 80's and 90's. One great-aunt lived to 103, guess her secret was to never get married :P Hardly any of the old timers had memory issues. The family lineage showed heart conditions were the cause of death on my Dad's side.
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