Going out of town while mom is in a nursing home.


I really think I know the answer to this. I am so "programmed" with not going out of town and missing out on so much, because mom lived with me for nine years prior to the nursing home. She has been in a home for a year and hates it, but we thought she would. She is going downhill mentally and physically, despite the home's effort to walk her and encourage her to be active. I do feel like they are doing all they can and we are happy with her care.

I haven't been out of town in 8 years, because I couldn't leave her alone. Four siblings, three live out of town and one is here part of the year and in FL during the winter.

I am sure other people take vacations and trips while their parents are in a home, but I still feel guilty going! My niece and her hubby keep telling me that is why she is in a home, so they can care for her. They are wanting me to come and visit them, so they keep bringing it up.

I guess I just need to get it through my mind that I am free, I can go. If an emergency comes up, they can call me and I can come home. She is very dependent on me, always wanting to call me. When other family members are there, she wants them to call or text me.

Is this normal, on both our parts?



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Yes, you should go. After a year and a half, if something happens while you are away, that is NOT your fault. Personally I would talk to her every day even on vacation, but my best friend NEVER called home when she was away, so that's OK if that's what you want.

She's not blissfully happy even when you are close. You deserve and need a break. She will survive, and God forbid she doesn't, it will not be because you weren't there.

Thank you! I forgot to mention she is almost blind, so she can't use the phone, the aides dial for her. I did mention this to the supervisor and she told me to start going places and get out of town. She suggested I tell mom I was going to be gone and just make sure she has supplies she needs. Social services said they would see her every day and the chaplain, would as well. I can have some of my friends stop and see her, too. She is in a great "neighborhood" unit there, they are pretty close knit and give her extra attention when she needs it (nothing medical, attention since she is a high maintenance mom).
She is sick now with a cold or something, but feels rotten and told me this is the end. She says she can't move much, can't walk, is short of breath (long time smoker prior to admission to the nursing home). She is all of that, but also a night she needed extra attention.
Thanks again.

I agree the NH has your contact info she will do well-as well as if you were home -we need to take advantage of what is before us none of us are promised a tomarrow we need to seize the day-get away and enjoy youself and come back refreshed-you deserve it.

Wow! You are good daughter. She is in capable hands.

So "run..run like the wind" and enjoy your vacation.

I vote for you to go on your trip but try to make plans for your Mom ahead of time. Is there anyone that can visit during your away time? Clergy; neighbor, distant relative, one of your friends? Since she is having mobility issues, pehaps you can arrange for some physial therapy. It creates more company and may help with keeping her mobile. How about hiring a 'companion for a few visits while you are away? Can you skype her to say hi? Can your sibs/nieces/nephews call or text while you are gone? BTW - yes it's normal, the bond of care giving brings people much closer. Those not involved remain clueless.

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