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Everybody knows my drama, so I'll try to make this quick.


Mother lives in attached apartment to YYB (I have 2 younger brothers, YYB is 57, YB is 61) she has been there for 22 years----LONG past what any one of us thought she'd make it. 15 years alone.


I've NEVER had a "good" relationship with her, in fact, it's been a true nightmare at times. We'd go a year w/o speaking, before she moved in with brother. I am not the favorite child, coming in a solid 6/6--well, I guess when OB died, I moved up a notch.


I have done my utmost best to step up and fill in all the blanks that I could since daddy died. She was pretty independent for about 5 years, but a few surgeries (both knees, hip, and back surgeries have rendered her bent over in a C spine shape and unable to do much for herself. I was doing 2 days a week AND working 2 PT jobs AND caring for a sick hubby all at once.


She has been off and on with me. Angry sometimes, complaining sometimes, if she wants something from me, she's a peach. Weirdly, she cannot remember my phone number (same number for 40 years) and so she cannot call me as she cannot work her cell phone.


I found in her 'trust' a BILL made out to me to the tune of $1500 to which I am supposed to owe the trust. No reason or anything, and worse, the brother with whom she's LIVED owes her $6000. He doesn't know and I am not telling him. (No worries, it's not legal)


I have tried so hard to clean for her, she can't even sweep a floor--or water her plants (they are all dead) bleach down the bathroom---she gets so mad and then YYB yells at me. And I mean YELLS. (He hasn't spoken to me for 2 years when I brought up the possibility of using her LTC to pay for twice weekly help--cleaning, errands-the kind of thing you BUY LTC for!) She was on board, YYB kiboshed it, read me the riot act (screaming at me until he was actually crying...and my 3 other sibs just SAT THERE.)


That was the turning point. I still tried to 'help' but it always got back to me that she was unhappy with what I was doing.


She'd complain of lack of space--and true, she can barely move the walker though the apartment) so I planned a quick 'one through' cleanup-NOTHING would be thrown away, it would be packed in bins and stored.


I got hollered at for that. SHE said "Oh, wonderful!!" YYB let me have it, big time.


I'm probably the stupidest person on the planet, but I kept going back for more. Thinking somehow something would change.


Nope, she's more in YYB's 'thrall' than ever.


In the meantime what are my 3 MIA sibs doing? Not a da&n thing. A phone call every couple months...maybe. Delivered flowers twice a year.


I have cancer. Dxed 2+ months ago and already have had 2 rounds of chemo. I am absolutely NOT allowed anywhere near where mother keeps her filthy feral cockatiels, whose cage has not been cleaned in over a year. YYB refuses to power wash it as it is NOT considered a 'health hazard' to mother. Feathers. dander, poop everywhere. Disgusting.


This weird quirk in me that makes me feel so responsible is just too much.


I went to tell her that I had cancer, thinking she might care, and what does she say "Oh, your dad will be so glad to see you!" (daddy has been gone for 15 years).


THIS is how my mother reacts to a life ending disease?????


I had my YB brother over the other night and explained to him that I CANNOT do anything for mom anymore and he needs to step up. She is showing some serious signs of dementia and he is POA. Told him, as a loving big sister that he's had 22 years of 'doing nothing' and got to take the end run. I am DONE.


He felt awful, Just awful, Very aware he's been neglectful and he has a very demanding wife---but this is HIS mother too.


He PROMISED he would see her once a week and talk to YYB about his behavior. We'll see, Talk is cheap.


Rant over, time for a post chemo nap.

Oh--and to Caregiver--

Money isn't the problem as to cleaning, etc. YYB will NOT ALLOW anyone in the house. NO ONE is allowed to clean, so her place is not cleaned. It's not the worst place I've ever seen, but it smells about the worst.

Like I said, OS will throw thousands of dollars at ANY problem, but when you have a 400 lb roadblock standing in the doorway saying "get off my property".....well, what can you do?
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Barb--
You have a mind like a steel trap.

Yes, to all of the above.

OB who was a grade a pedophile (arrested, convicted) and mother fussed him like her perfect child. I got an ex-wife's file on him ( she'd hired a PI to investigate when OB tried to get partial custody of a child they'd had together and she was going to make sure he didn't get NEAR her). The stuff he did that was all swept under the carpet and expunged by my mother--turned my stomach. He hurt SO MANY PEOPLE.

Oh, dysfunctional in a lot of ways. Primarily him, and he, thank goodness has been dead for years. No sorrow there.

But the damage remained. He also severely abused the brother mother lives with and I believe he treats her so badly b/c he is getting back at HER for not protecting him. She knows, in her own sick mind, that I am not EVER going to be OK with what she allowed to go on. Although I am ok now, I still attend therapy and work on issues that crop up. Probably always will.

Luckily, 4/6 of us have gotten help and are functional. I wish YYB could get help, he just gets mad, and I mean MAD.

It is no secret to me that my mom is whacko. Who KNOWS what is wrong with her? She's almost 90 and could easily last 5 more years. YYB has all his adult kids still living at home----he has terrified them as to the horrors of the 'world'. It is very, very sad.

And yes, the co-dependent dance will continue as long as mother lives. I am done begging YYB to get some help. If I never saw him again I would be fine.

Getting cancer and being told I CANNOT be in mother's apartment has been a great blessing. I will be cured and I may or may not do what all the MIA sibs do--nothing. Don't know.
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Mid, having read your family saga over the course of several years, I feel compleed to point something out that may not be obvious to you.

Your mom suffers from mental illness. As does YYB.

I recall that your oldest brother molested you as a child . And that this was swept under the rug.

You can say "dysfunctional family" and stuff like that, but the long and short of it is that there is serious mental illness in your family. You are trying to compensate.

I think there comes a point where you need to let folks with untreated mental health issues (those who have no interest in getting treatment) go their own way and step away from situations in which they have an impact on out lives.

Mom and YYB are doing a codependent dance that you cannot step to. Just leave the dance hall and let them waltz away.
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Can other sibs chip in to pay for Aides & cleaning help?
You take care of yourself, Midkid ...hugs 🤗
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Thanks for the replies--it feels good to get the frustrations out. Can't talk to YYB at all--and he holds the reins in this. Won't go there and certainly won't let him in my house.

YB did feel mom needs a Cog eval, just for the sake of knowing where she stands and what he needs to be more aware of. She is the queen of showboating, but you spend more than 10 minutes a month with her, you know she's not near as sharp as she was even 2 years ago. Her comment to me about 'daddy being happy to see me" when I had carefully explained I have Stage 3 Lymphoma, one of the MOST curable cancers. She immediately went to the "oh, she's dying". I didn't add that before I could even catch my breath, she asked me who she could 'tell'--not in a sad way, but in a "poor me, my daughter is dying of cancer' way.

Who knows if YB will actually step up. I highly doubt it. Not my problem anymore. He promised he would get the trust papers out and yank that posthumous FU out of it. (that's what my son (an attorney) called it. People leaving mean things in their wills as a final 'in your face'.

I am actually going to write a letter to mother and explain that I cannot visit her at all--not at all. She herself is covered in bird filth and I never, ever hug her, even. I could kill the idiot man who gave her this awful animals. She can't care for them and she's lost 3 to sheer neglect.

I don't feel guilty. My OS said some time ago as to why she simply throws money at any problems that crop up with mother "She was a sh^t mother and a worse grandmother. It's amazing any of us got out remotely 'normal'. I owe her NOTHING but respect for bringing me into the world" Wow.
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Time for him to take over. Don't feel guilty, take care of you, enough is enough.
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I am relieved she doesn't live with you. It is time to back away now and to take care of yourself. Stress levels rise, cortisol levels feed cancer. You need to stop involving yourself now and stop making her your priority. It has become a habit to be about her. Let your brothers take care of matters; they may soon enough move her out to assisted living. Or NOT. But it is on them. You need to stop focusing on your mother now and focus on the fight of and for your life. Bring yourself peace. Find hobbies you enjoy whether cooking, sewing, puzzles, podcasts, walking or whatever. Time to stop what you are doing. The only person you are in control of is yourself.
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Ditto to BarbBrooklyn's comment. Your mom has dementia and so what comes out of her mouth is mostly random and confused so try to ignore it. Based on your personal story it seems your brothers don't appreciate what you do anyway, so the best way for them to learn is to stop doing it. Then they'll know pretty quick how much you contributed. You need lots of time to take care of yourself now, and don't feel guilty for a moment. If you're "filling in" for other uninvolved sibs, consider that you are robbing them of a chance to mature and grow and learn. You will be doing them a favor that they don't yet know is a favor. The only person you can control is yourself, so don't get your hopes up that any other sibling "talking" to another is going to change 50+ years of ingrained bad treatment of you/others. Make yourself scarce and give care to yourself. Let us know how it goes. Blessings!
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Mid; I'm so glad that this cancer dx of yours, for whatever its downside (that's sarcasm) has gotten you to understand that you CANNOT change anything about your mom's situation or your YYB's behavior.

You need to let go and let God. Giving YB a head's up was nice.

Step away from the speeding train, dear. You have more important things to deal with.
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