Am ready to give up & feel HOPELESS!!!

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I'm the sole caregiver for my mom & s-dad. I have NO help and am on disability myself for chronic pain conditions and depression. My pain doesn't matter. I'm hitting bottom with depression and feel hopeless. I have NO life of my own. I feel so guilty and try to keep my mom's spirits up, but nothing I say helps. My mom sits at the kitchen table all day, chain smoking and hangs her head. I do what I can, but stay in my room most all day, everyday. I try to sleep as much as I can b/c I can't stand the negativity and darkness in the house. I'm being real honest here... I pray to go to sleep and not wake up. I have no money to move out and cannot get any Assistance. I 've had to stop seeing my therapist b/c I cannot afford to pay her. My own pain is very bad 24/7. I have no friends. They don't like any visitors and my s-dad is very sexually inappropriate to anyone who comes into their house, so people keep their distance. I've called the Office of Aging and any other places I thought could help, but since my mom & s-dad are of sound mind they can and do refuse all outside help. I have a s-sister close by, but she can't handle the oppressive negativity or her father's awful comments he makes to her and about her. I understand. If/when something happens to my mom, I'll be homeless. My only joy in life is my 4yo dog, who is my World! I can't lose him! That would be the end of me, as my heart would literally break! I'll end up living in my car, making sure my puppy gets excellent care. Then my s-sister said she'd call the police on me if I stayed in my car, even though I can't live with her. I have nowhere to turn and cannot keep up the pace of taking care of all the chores & caregiving. I'm physically amd emotionally in trouble. Thanks everyone for being here! Your support means the world to me!

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My advice to you is to get out!!! Tell your doc that you yourself want to be admitted to a NH. Since you have virtually no money then you can get help that way. Life is just too short to live like you are living. Find someplace else to live. There are places to live for people who have no money. I know a lady that lives in such a place and she only pays $4 per month for her very nice apt.
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OMG! I meant $9000 a year!!!
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$9000 a month! I could live like a queen. You probably meant less than that. The financial problem is something that you can talk to your SS team about. If your medical bills will be high, it may be good to see if you can instead qualify for SSI instead of SSDI. If it is like it used to be, with SSI, you make less per month in SS payments, but you qualify for Medicaid. Talk to your SS people and see what is possible.

As hard as it sounds, the only way to battle agoraphobia is to get out. I went through a couple of bouts of panic disorder with agoraphobia. It was hard to get out, but I knew that I had to in order to get well. Don't give into this thing. As an American citizen, you have the right to get medical help, no matter what people say. It may be that you'll need to go to the emergency room and tell them you are having suicidal thoughts Get yourself on the road to getting help. It is out there.
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Oops... I hit SUBMIT too fast. I don't have a working computer, so I must use my tiny older cell phone, or my Nook to get online. Anyway my dreams of having a husband & children never came to life, and I have no real siblings to help me with the caregiving. Old friends are long gone & won't come near this house anyway... These were friends I've known for 20-30 years. I Pray seemingly all of the time. I've become mostly agoraphobic, rarely get dressed anymore and can't eat. I've called several different places for Councelling/Therapy & even to make an appt. with a Psychiatrist for meds, but NOT ONE Dr. or therapist will take me on as a patient. The reason is always b/c I have Medicare only, and Medicare doesn't pay. I desperately need to see an Endocrinologist, but they refuse ppl who only have Medicare too. I cannot afford a 2nd-ary insurance! My labs are horrible! I have almost NO thyroid left & am a Huge risk for a heart attack. My Dr. Is aware but he's the 1st to tell me, "Sorry, but you can't afford the meds and/or specialists you need." He's right. I'm SO SORRY this post got so long! My brand new PC is a dud which the company can't seem to fix. I sold all of my gold jewelry to get that computer and now have no computer + my jewelry I collected all of my life is gone. So... I guess I ramble maybe too much when I'm not too depressed and when the pain is not too bad. I hope all of you are doing ok...??? Many thanks for being here and Love to you all!
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Thanks for your reply's & support! It means SO much to know someone cares. I've applied for all types of Assistance, multiple times. I'm continuously denied b/c what I get in SS Disability is over the cut off amount to be eligable, which is "making less than $9000 a month. Who could live on $9000 a month? Really! I'm still so depressed that it scares me. I stay in bed all day, only getting up to do what I need to do for my mom. I just finished vacuuming the entire house and am hurting badly myself now. I fell down a few cement steps yesterday head first. I jarred my neck and got banged up, but it could have been worse! I thank God I didn't fall on my dog, and I grabbed onto a bush to prevent hitting my head. Had a pretty bad headache and nausea for a while but other than being sore I'm ok. Even tho I've had Fibro for years + Rsd/CRPS +++ One never gets used to pain. I hate to admit this, but I wished that the fall would have been bad enough to just let me die. God forgive me for thinking that way!!! I really do want to live, but I feel "my life" is over. Not that I don't love my mom dearly, but my body & spirit are broken. My only purpose now is to make sure my mom & s-dad can stay in their home. The work is so hard on me physically, and even more so emotionally. I'm 50 years old, and feel it's over. I'll never get these years back. I can't have anyone come into their house b/c my mom doesn't like people for the most part, amd my s-dad is grossly, sexually innappropriate to ANY female that comes in the house. I grew up with him since I was 5 yo, and it took away any childhood I might have had. There was alot of violence & drinkiing and I was always afraid. I though "one day I'll have my own life and feel safe. My dreams of a hudnand
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Oh my gosh....I SO could have written this almost word for word....

Since that is the case, I don't know that I have much in the way of advice since I am in a very similar place, but please, don't give up....my thoughts are with you xx
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Willow, I understand so much where you are coming from. Before I started caregiving, I was a joyful person, always waking up looking forward to the day. Now I wake up and just want to stay in bed. I have a feeling that you are looking at a situation a lot like mine -- a house where there is no love and happiness. When there is no light from the outside and none from within, it is very hard. Of course we're depressed! Any normal person would be. Often I watch things like the Waltons and think how wonderful it would be to have family like that. Sometimes I try to create that family with my own, but it doesn't work. :)

People can advise to get out and do things, but it is not so easy. Personally I moved from Texas to a place where I know no one. It is so hard to meet people here, so when I get out, I'm always alone. I still get out just to feel like part of the world again. I go shopping and to get something to eat. And I find there are sometimes other people who are lonely. I love having someone to talk to, if only for a few minutes.

We sometimes mention finances when it comes to caregiving. To me finances are a huge issue because I don't get paid and my store does not earn a comfortable living wage. What helps me keep from worrying is making a plan. I have retirement savings and will get social security. I don't want to get married again, so I thought about a Golden Girls life. Directing my mind toward what I want life to be like helps a lot.

There are most likely many ways out there that you can receive low cost or free help with your depression. I know sometimes when it is too bad, it is hard to pull ourselves up by our bootstraps. Especially when you can't even find the bootstraps. Because you live with your parents, it can limit some forms of assistance. You can check with Public Health to see if there is a program in place to help. Many years ago there was a program to help with medications, but I don't know if the program is still in place. I hope someone on the group has some good ideas about where to go for help.

I also want to add that light is one of the best treatments for depression. Open up whatever curtains you can or bundle up and get outside in the sunshine. If the depression is bad, it may seem like too much, but I encourage you to do it.
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"Setting boundaries with difficult people" by David Lieberman. This book helped me so much.
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