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I've posted before about my DH and his untreated hearing loss. We just returned from a weeklong trip to the PNW where we have 4 grandkids. My son and his wife were absolutely shocked to see how bad hubby's hearing loss it. He couldn't hear any conversation--and I get that--a house that is NEVER quiet, a dog that barks nonstop and kids screaming all day--but he could sleep on the sofa without any problem through all the noise. Both son and DIL were angry AT ME for not pressing him to get his hearing checked. (As you may recall, if you've followed this) he says that he HAD his hearing checked 30 years ago and they couldn't help him. Refuses to go again. Well--even though I stood right in front of him, said "Can you hear me?" and he responded that he could, I reminded him to get some coats of his out of the closet. We come home, unpack and yep, no coats. Somehow this is my fault b/c I didn't remind him. I have already made an audiologist's appt. One month from today. I haven't told him--b/c I KNOW he is going to kick up a stink and make me the bad guy. He got yet another speeding ticket, which if he had STOPPED when the cop first went lights and sirens, probably wouldn't have been a problem, but he was oblivious and couldn't hear and actually went across state lines and that made the cop livid--so the ticket was really bad. He's on "probation" again for having so many tickets. Pretty soon he'll lose his driver's license, and if that happens--I don't know-- He misses SO MUCH!! He's become even more depressed and withdrawn. He slept much of this trip--due to a lingering cold and also just b/c he is always so sad. My DIL is a dr and VERY tough--ice cold, but kind--she really got after him about how lack of hearing can lead to early onset dementia, etc., and as much as he adores this woman, he was kind of angry (at me) for what he thought was an all out attack on him. (I hadn't said anything to my DIL). I find myself absolutely shouting at him, which has transferred over to my "regular" life where I have been told more than once I am talking VERY loudly. Embarrassing to the max. My DIL said she loves us to visit, but that I talk way too much. I was so ashamed, as I am so used to repeating myself over and over so my DH can hear me. Kind of just ranting. I did make the drs apt. I am going to tell him. My best guess is that he will not go and will be furious with me. Any ideas of how to broach this with love and concern and not get angry? My DIL "yelling" at me yesterday to please STOP TALKING just put me over the edge. I had to go lock myself in the guestroom and have a huge cry. I was shut down completely the rest of the day. Barely spoke, DIL did "apologize" but in a way that meant, "I'm sorry you got hurt, but I meant what I said". (She really intimidates me). Glad to come home and sad to be dealing with this same stupid problem I posted about 3 years ago.

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JoAnn29 - Hah! That is why I commented that I did not really care for the default to be "Newest First" - it is nice to have that selection, so that if you get an update you can get to that quickly, but I think it also adds a level of confusion. No need to apologize though - your comments might help anyone in this situation. Some of your suggestions cover other issues brought up, so they could be useful to OP.

Midkid58 - now that it has been several months, what was the outcome? Did your husband go to the appointment? Were they able to help your husband? Hearing aids or other options? If hearing aids, how are they working for him? If no help available (some hearing loss is not correctable), other suggestions from the "experts"?
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Sorry, just wrote all that and the post is from Feb. Oh well. Hope you got him to the ear dr.
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I remember your post. I also know how you feel. I am a talker too. I tend to go into "storys" giving background info for what I really want to say. My SIL even said something our last visit about my "little stories" in a way I knew she didn't appreciate them. My DH is deaf without his hearing aid. He has maybe 30% hearing in his right ear when wearing the aid. No hearing in his left. He has worn hearing aids most his life. We very rarely socialize with other couples because its hard for him to follow conversations. When we go out and run into people we know, I talk. When DH has said something, I tell him its my social time. I too, talk to loud at times. I just say, sorry, I live with a very hard of hearing husband.

When you talk to your husband, don't scream. Talk normally and when he says he can't hear tell him you r not going to scream. Only tell him what he needs to know. When you do talk, stand in front of him and look into his eyes. Make it short. When the time comes for the appt, tell him to do it for you. In 30 yrs things have improved a lot with hearing aids.

DIL, I understand intimidation. You could have apologized for the talking and said "sorry, guess its from living with an almost deaf person and no socializing" Also, I think talking too much is a nervous thing. As a Dr. she should understand that you cannot make a person do what they don't want to. I have a SIL like ur DIL and I very rarely visit her. I am always waiting for the shoe to drop. Doctors and teachers have "that way of talking" like they r talking to one of their patients or students. The two phrases I know you are a teacher, "this is unacceptable" and "there has been an incident".

It would be awhile before I visited your DIL. I really think she is disrepectable. You are her MIL. When asked why u haven't visited tell her, you really don't feel welcomed there. To say, we love having you but...is kind of contradictory. I bet you would never think of saying anything like that to her or anyone. Your feelings should mean something to her.

Its late here on the east coast so saying good night.
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robinr - there can be a delay sometimes posting, but in your case there is a post on Feb 26 regarding Costco, so it did post at some point. I was skimming through the messages after the latest post brought this thread up again. With "Newest First" selected, the post in question is on "Page" 3 (currently)

All - just my preference, but I'm not liking this "Newest First". Sure, I can change it to "Oldest First" but would prefer it to default to that. Newest is nice if you only want to see the most recent posts right away, however more often I don't get to these posts right away and I like to read through other's comments first before getting to the most recent ones - that way if I want to post something, I know whether someone else has already said it, how OP has responded, if anything new has developed, etc and can just back up the comment rather than repeating a similar comment. Normal progression of discussion from start to finish... I don't read books from the back to front cover!!! On a positive note, at least I can change it to Oldest...
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Tell him it's part of his annual check up, period, the end!
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BTW - be sure the doctor checks your loved one's ears for wax as well. It can be a great contributor to failing hearing. And if you aren't aware of it already if your family member is in an ALF and needs wax removal, by all means get with the concierge as there is normally someone that comes in (for a fee of course) on a regular basis that can take care of that so you can skip a trip to the doctor.

I know it's a lot when caring for Mom, Dad, or another family member, but my not-so-eloquent brother once told me, "Mom wiped our butts for years, it's time for all of us to do the same and show her the respect she deserves." And after raising 6 of us on a shoestring budget, he's right.

While it's difficult, and they don't seem like they are your parent(s) anymore, do the best you can. Remember the Baby Boomer generation is the largest single group of aging people on earth and there's not enough help or $$$to go around. Enlist family, friends, and scour the internet for resources. No one gets out of life alive, so try to make the best of it and the time left you have with the person who cared for you.
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This is a test:-) I have made sure to log in correctly. I responded nearly a week ago and my post did not show up which I questioned. As far as I know I did everything correctly and didn't hit any buttons in error and hit POST COMMENT. We are up to 5 pages of responses mine not among them. So here is what I suggested: Great service at our Costco, no frills, lower costs, all manufactured with a different name by the two biggest and most reputable companies, no hassle returns, longer times to try them out AND they now have rechargeable batteries...just stick them in a cup at night and in the morning you're good to go again. No constantly buying batteries.
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PB--I try to stay on her good side. I have an ok relationship with her and that is good enough.

I don' know why these hearing aids are so pricey either, but if hubby needs them and can benefit, I'd sell a kidney for him to get them!

Sendhelp--

All I can say is "good Luck". I've been screaming for years now, until hubby decided he would see an audiologist, it's been a constant battle, and I am exhausted.

Oh, and yeah, married for 42 years? He has tuned out the sound of my voice 100%. Sadly for him, all 4 of my daughters and I have the exact same voice--and when we're together it's worse. The poor sons in law--stereophonic "wife voice". (We're all very, very nice, but very very loud.)
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Midkid,
Your story resonates with me. I feel like a parrot!
Concerns these last 2 days, he has started a new behavior, says he did not hear me.
I think it is psychological.
Even so, will get his hearing checked.
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Midkid - I hope you will always be on your DIL's good side.

I don't understand why hearing aids have to cost so much, $3-$5 K. The latest iphone is a powerful technological mini computer and can do a zillion things and still cost 1/3 of the hearing aids which only have one function. If I have to guess, prices are so high because there is no real competition, and the manufacturers can charge the insurance whatever price they want.
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PolarBear--
Well, as I said, I really DO love my DIL. She is one tough cookie--came from a family where NOBODY ever graduated HS--and went on to serve in the Navy, get through Med School and residency AND 4 years of navy service and have 4 kids in the mix.

She just doesn't suffer fools. My hubby wishes profoundly that I was just like her. Well---she is tough and she IS amazing, but she is very, very cold. Loving to those whom she cares for but doesn't bother with the rest of us. I met her twice before she left for Yale, figured I'd never see her again--and well, life happened. She and my son dated cross country for almost a year, he got accepted to Law School and they married and left. Haven't lived within 700 miles of us since. I really lost my son when he got married. It happens.

I'm not intimidated by her MD, I'm intimidated by he amazing ability to get everyone in her path to do what she wants, me included.

And she full well knows I cannot control my hubby. My son is 100% in his wife's thrall, and that works for them.

On the good news side--I budgeted for hearing aids (hoping that hubby will get them!) and priced them at around $3-5K. Then hubby said to check with insurance--and lo and behold, they are covered!!

Ironically, a liver transplant would be covered 100% under this insurance. When hubby had his in 2006, we were out $250,000 when all was said and done. Life, go figure.
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Midkid - the way you describe DIL, she has a brain, but certainly no heart.

What makes her and your son think you can control your husband and make him do what you want? He's not a child. Ask them if you can make them do something they don't want? If no, then the same goes for your husband. They certainly got brains but not using them logically.

And don't be intimidated by her (or her dr. degree). She's got knowledge, but no heart, no logics, and no respect. A far from perfect human being (just like a lot of us.) See her for who she is and don't be afraid.
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Fingers crossed, Midkid! You picked a brilliant time to “lead the horse to water.” 😃 

You are one tough cookie — and also warm and perceptive. Keep your boundaries up. Keep being kind to yourself. 

Either hubby’s intellectual vanity will get the ball rolling....or the accountability will fall squarely where it belongs. On him! 

We’re rooting for you. 👍🏼
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Thanks again---
The apt is for MARCH 28th, not today, darn it!! But I've waited over 30 years, another 28 days won't matter :)

DH went to his mother's the other night to fix HER hearing aids. She's completely deaf. I think sitting with her, trying to communicate he began to feel an inkling of what I experience. Her TV was on so loud it was bothering HIM.

I had not told him of the apt before he went to his mothers'. He was complaining about the frustration of trying to "help" her and how bad it was, she was so clueless and out of touch with the world--and so on. I let him finish his rant and then dropped the bomb that I had scheduled a visit for him. He took it really well. I think he "might" finally be adapting to the idea that maybe he has a problem.

He IS taking the dementia/deafness combo to heart. He is very proud of how smart he is, and to appear to be "dumb" just b/c yo missed the aural clues....well, this was a lot easier than I thought.

Just hoping and praying for a "good outcome". If not, and he cannot he helped, we will all learn sign language.
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invisible: I hear ya! My son-in-law's mother has 2 hearing aides that she keeps in a drawer. Very frustrating for my son-in-law and daughter. Glad to hear that your LO is more cooperative than not.
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One thing to think of - people with moderate dementia might appear to be experiencing a greater hearing loss when it is their comprehension that is going. The audiologist can test for this but they can't do anything for it.
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My father always kind of marvels when he puts his hearing aids on and can suddenly hear things. But he forgets to put them on every day. He puts on his glasses first thing. I tell him we will converse when he has the hearing aids in because I am tired of repeating things. He fought the hearing aids initially but it was gratifying when he started participating in the conversation again. Took years off him. I can't imagine not wanting to check out a tool that might help you at work. They tell me the technology has significantly changed even in the last three years!
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I've HAD my hearing checked, and I actually can hear at the level of a 12 yo..meaning I can hear pitches much higher than a "normal" 61 yo can hear.

It's a mixed blessing, for sure. I have to sleep with earplugs b/c I DO hear everything.

Life is very weird, for sure. At least DH is giving me zero pushback on the appt. He doesn't know yet that I am going with him. Just to take notes as he cannot hear and won't listen to the doc!
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Hope this helps - tell him that if he gets an up-to-date hearing exam & it shows he has severe hearing loss then there is a chance to get those tickets reduced so you have made the appointment to help save him some money - it is worth a shot - why don't you see if you can have one at same time to show him it is what everyone does now-a-days
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Midkid: Good, I am glad that you scheduled the appointment for him. As a one aide wearer myself, when my hearing aide ceases to work because I need a tube change out (they have to remain pliable in order for the aide to function), I get myself to the audiologist stat because without it, I am like a person without their prosthetic limb, i.e. I am not whole.
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I'm not sure why, but, most people that I know of do NOT wear their hearing aids. Which is sad, since they are very expensive. So, I haven't pushed for my dad to go back. He went for testing about 5 years ago and they said he didn't have a problem. lol Of COURSE he had a hearing problem. That was obvious, but, the place said no, so.........lol. We gave up and I doubt, we'll suggest another test.  I'm not sure how he cheated on the audio test, but, he must have.  Even then, he had substantial difficulty with his hearing.  Go figure. 
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Midkid; I just want to extend (((((hugs))))) and good thoughts for the appointment this week. I have no words of advice or wisdom; I just want to tell you that I value you and that I think that you are awesome!!!!!!
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JoAnn--
Yes, DIL was incredibly rude and short tempered with me--but I have 4 grandbabies she's holding hostage up there in the PNW---I usually take her yelling with a grain of salt. She and my son are super type-A people, they adore each other--but there is a LOT of yelling going on that house. I think her nuclear family does a lot of yelling--ours most assuredly did NOT and this is not something I am adapting to well. I'm not going to cut her out of my life, and I will just sit back and take it, b/c some people just need to believe they are always right and that they are "helping" when they point out your obvious flaws. I DO talk too much, and I know why: nobody hears me. Beginning with DH. Mostly due to DH. Hopefully we can ameliorate some of his hearing loss and I can return to normal volume :)

I'm sad about the poor relationship I have with my DIL. I really work hard to make it work, but she doesn't seem to care.

However, on the flip side, I have 4 SONS in law whom I adore and they love me. One is a realtor and he is finding us our "retirement house" which will be fairly close to him and my daughter. I asked him why, since I am not married to any certain area and he replied "I need to have you close enough that I can check on you daily, even if it's a drive by to see if you're ok". All 4 Sons in LAw have said I can live with them in my dotage. (My daughters don't necessarily feel the same :) ) What wonderful men!!

"A son is a son 'til he gets him a wife, a daughter's a daughter all of your life". My SIL are amazing, makes up for Dr. Frosty.
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I am a talker and I would never visit DILs house again. She was RUDE and has no respect for you.

I would think that maybe the threat of losing his license would wake him up. Maybe that is what its going to take. My husband has had hearing problems since a toddler from an accident. Stop shouting. Have a white board and write it down. He may not like that. Good Luck, I have a stubborn one too. And please, when invited to DILs again please decline telling her that you no longer feel comfortable there. I didn't see SIL for 10yrs because of her attitude towards me.
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Wow--just wow--thanks for the overwhelming support!

To clear up a few things that were mentioned:

"Can he use a computer"--a simple and thoughtful question--and it had me falling off my chair laughing...my DH is a software engineer--so, about 90% of his JOB is using a computer. And he stays updated to the point he is THE go-to guy in his huge company as the one engineer who can troubleshoot a job from home, with just his laptop, so yes, I can confidently say he's computer literate!!

"What if he was stopped by cops" --um, he was stopped twice in the last year, the most recent being 3 weeks--going 30 MPH over the speed limit. The ticket was enormous. He just didn't hear the cop. And he listens to the music in his car so loudly, nobody would hear anything.

I'm glad he is opting for both a good ENT checkup and the audiologist. DH is the most stubborn man I know, and a huge part of him not wanting to cave into placating me is just him being a jerk. I know this behavior is deeply rooted in his relationship with his own mother and he often treats me the way he treats her: like I am beyond stupid. His folks' marriage was a study in horror. Not being very intuitive or thoughtful, he's just gone along assuming that all marriages are filled with arguing and bitchy women.

I have to be incredibly patient with him. I'm sure he feels the same about me. That's a discussion for another day, I suppose.

I hope he can do some reading prior to his dr visit. He will be fascinated by the technology of a hearing aid--whether he'll wear them or not, I don't know. I have amazing hearing--for which I am SO grateful.

All I can do is hope he can be helped and will be patient with the aids once he gets them. He hears zero ambient noise, so the doorbell, the phone, he hears none of that. I know there will be a period of adjustment to that.

AS far as my DIL, well, she gets frustrated at the noise in her home, but she yells as much as anybody else. They live 800 miles away, and I can certainly control how much time I spend with her. We really shouldn't stay in their home when we visit--that makes it harder. I love her, I know she loves me, she just doesn't "do" emotion, and that's just how she is.

Thanks for the heads up and the advice!! My hubby IS a Vet, so I will check into that for possibly partial payment. Our insurance pays nothing, I know that.

Thank you, good friends! I have felt SO alone in this struggle.
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Do you have a Costco near you? They have been great for my mother with dementia and rechecked my pretty much deaf father. THey are down to earth and have no vested interest in selling anything/no commission. The aids they carry are far less than what you'd pay at an audiologist; they are made by the same big companies, they let you try them out far longer than legally necessary and there is a new one that has RECHARGABLE batteries...no need to play with those damn little buttons. Pop them in a cup at night that plugs in, and the morning you're good to go for at least 9 months till replacement! IF the hearing loss can't be resolved, we've learned to use paper/pen which is a drag, and also my dad (at 100) uses an iphone with an app...they can show you what works...but if you talk into the phone it will translate your words to the screen for him to read and he can respond. It's been a godsend for us.
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My 90 year old Papa denied hearing loss for years - everyone mumbled. He had to go to Rehab and he could not understand anyone. He finally agreed to hearing aids and he loves them! He is amazed at how deaf he really was. The kind he has are really unobtrusive, it’s hard to tell he has them in. He tests 92% better with than without the hearing aids now.
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My two cents worth. I have been wearing hearing aids since the early 70's. And my hearing has gotten worse over the decades. I am on about my sixth set. This latest set is almost miraculous. I will admit two things on this subject. One- I do get mine through the VA as service connected. Two- I retired a little early from the Navy because my hearing was getting worse and the Navy did not provide the type of aids I needed. And I was afraid I would get one of your kids injured or worse.
This current set with the attachments cost between $8,000 and $12000, because I ask about the attachments for blue tooth and the TV.
With the last set I only had one volume control that set the volume for both aids. Terrible idea. I hated them. But they did work okay n restaurants but not in the car. The buses were just too loud for me to hear the wife.
With these I have separate volume controls which helps a lot. I wear a necklace which acts as a pre-amp for the aids, connects my cell phones via blue tooth, is capable of attaching mp3 players and other things, and with the accessory for the TV I can hear the TV with it on mute.
I gave up years ago worrying what others may think. Hearing loss is not an age thing . Although a lot of illiterate individuals may think that. But for me they can just stick their head in a bucket and yodel.
Years ago Rush Limbah (sp) opted for cocklear implants because his hearing was totally gone.
I will agree that many people have an ego about it. Just like some have about wearing glasses or wear wigs.
The surrounding noises can be filtered out to a great extent and should be done at the time of the fitting. As for the TV background noise (aka music) I doubt much can be dome about that.
If he is bullheaded enough to deny his problem then let him live in a world of silence.
An audiologist may be able to help him accept his loss.
I think someone mentioned other items that can help with a hearing loss. Personal listener, head phones, wireless listeners, etc.
But don't forget the other things in life that are affected by hearing loss. Smoke detectors, bed shakers for the phone and door bell,door bells, light flashers for phones and doorbells.
It is his and the lives of others that are or could be as stake.
Don't forget the story of the old mule that would stop in the middle of plowing the field.
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We tried to get Mom hearing aids. She got the latest best high tech model out there. She liked it at the Dr.'s office but took them out and refused to wear them. We tried in different situations and ways but nothing worked. We had 30 days to try them and we got our money back. We go to church where she is provided with an amplifier during the service and at bible study I take a magic marker and a lot of paper to write down what the speaker is saying. At the apartment in her senior facility I talk into her ear. She converses with others when they talk loud enough into her ear or I lightly touch her and repeat what they say exaggerating the pronunciation with my lips. Mom can hear on the cell phone when I put it on speaker phone and hold the phone to her ear. If he won't wear hearing aids try working around that but keep the doors of communication open.
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If he is a Veteran, the VA will supply hearing aids. AND they now have hearing aids that are "installed" inside instead of wearing them outside.

But the only way a hearing aid works is if it is used. Sadly, they don't help if the person sticks them in a drawer.
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