Getting husband to an audiologist; any ideas of how to broach this with love and concern and not get angry?
I've posted before about my DH and his untreated hearing loss. We just returned from a weeklong trip to the PNW where we have 4 grandkids. My son and his wife were absolutely shocked to see how bad hubby's hearing loss it. He couldn't hear any conversation--and I get that--a house that is NEVER quiet, a dog that barks nonstop and kids screaming all day--but he could sleep on the sofa without any problem through all the noise. Both son and DIL were angry AT ME for not pressing him to get his hearing checked. (As you may recall, if you've followed this) he says that he HAD his hearing checked 30 years ago and they couldn't help him. Refuses to go again. Well--even though I stood right in front of him, said "Can you hear me?" and he responded that he could, I reminded him to get some coats of his out of the closet. We come home, unpack and yep, no coats. Somehow this is my fault b/c I didn't remind him. I have already made an audiologist's appt. One month from today. I haven't told him--b/c I KNOW he is going to kick up a stink and make me the bad guy. He got yet another speeding ticket, which if he had STOPPED when the cop first went lights and sirens, probably wouldn't have been a problem, but he was oblivious and couldn't hear and actually went across state lines and that made the cop livid--so the ticket was really bad. He's on "probation" again for having so many tickets. Pretty soon he'll lose his driver's license, and if that happens--I don't know-- He misses SO MUCH!! He's become even more depressed and withdrawn. He slept much of this trip--due to a lingering cold and also just b/c he is always so sad. My DIL is a dr and VERY tough--ice cold, but kind--she really got after him about how lack of hearing can lead to early onset dementia, etc., and as much as he adores this woman, he was kind of angry (at me) for what he thought was an all out attack on him. (I hadn't said anything to my DIL). I find myself absolutely shouting at him, which has transferred over to my "regular" life where I have been told more than once I am talking VERY loudly. Embarrassing to the max. My DIL said she loves us to visit, but that I talk way too much. I was so ashamed, as I am so used to repeating myself over and over so my DH can hear me. Kind of just ranting. I did make the drs apt. I am going to tell him. My best guess is that he will not go and will be furious with me. Any ideas of how to broach this with love and concern and not get angry? My DIL "yelling" at me yesterday to please STOP TALKING just put me over the edge. I had to go lock myself in the guestroom and have a huge cry. I was shut down completely the rest of the day. Barely spoke, DIL did "apologize" but in a way that meant, "I'm sorry you got hurt, but I meant what I said". (She really intimidates me). Glad to come home and sad to be dealing with this same stupid problem I posted about 3 years ago.
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Midkid58 - now that it has been several months, what was the outcome? Did your husband go to the appointment? Were they able to help your husband? Hearing aids or other options? If hearing aids, how are they working for him? If no help available (some hearing loss is not correctable), other suggestions from the "experts"?
When you talk to your husband, don't scream. Talk normally and when he says he can't hear tell him you r not going to scream. Only tell him what he needs to know. When you do talk, stand in front of him and look into his eyes. Make it short. When the time comes for the appt, tell him to do it for you. In 30 yrs things have improved a lot with hearing aids.
DIL, I understand intimidation. You could have apologized for the talking and said "sorry, guess its from living with an almost deaf person and no socializing" Also, I think talking too much is a nervous thing. As a Dr. she should understand that you cannot make a person do what they don't want to. I have a SIL like ur DIL and I very rarely visit her. I am always waiting for the shoe to drop. Doctors and teachers have "that way of talking" like they r talking to one of their patients or students. The two phrases I know you are a teacher, "this is unacceptable" and "there has been an incident".
It would be awhile before I visited your DIL. I really think she is disrepectable. You are her MIL. When asked why u haven't visited tell her, you really don't feel welcomed there. To say, we love having you but...is kind of contradictory. I bet you would never think of saying anything like that to her or anyone. Your feelings should mean something to her.
Its late here on the east coast so saying good night.
All - just my preference, but I'm not liking this "Newest First". Sure, I can change it to "Oldest First" but would prefer it to default to that. Newest is nice if you only want to see the most recent posts right away, however more often I don't get to these posts right away and I like to read through other's comments first before getting to the most recent ones - that way if I want to post something, I know whether someone else has already said it, how OP has responded, if anything new has developed, etc and can just back up the comment rather than repeating a similar comment. Normal progression of discussion from start to finish... I don't read books from the back to front cover!!! On a positive note, at least I can change it to Oldest...
I know it's a lot when caring for Mom, Dad, or another family member, but my not-so-eloquent brother once told me, "Mom wiped our butts for years, it's time for all of us to do the same and show her the respect she deserves." And after raising 6 of us on a shoestring budget, he's right.
While it's difficult, and they don't seem like they are your parent(s) anymore, do the best you can. Remember the Baby Boomer generation is the largest single group of aging people on earth and there's not enough help or $$$to go around. Enlist family, friends, and scour the internet for resources. No one gets out of life alive, so try to make the best of it and the time left you have with the person who cared for you.
I don' know why these hearing aids are so pricey either, but if hubby needs them and can benefit, I'd sell a kidney for him to get them!
Sendhelp--
All I can say is "good Luck". I've been screaming for years now, until hubby decided he would see an audiologist, it's been a constant battle, and I am exhausted.
Oh, and yeah, married for 42 years? He has tuned out the sound of my voice 100%. Sadly for him, all 4 of my daughters and I have the exact same voice--and when we're together it's worse. The poor sons in law--stereophonic "wife voice". (We're all very, very nice, but very very loud.)
Your story resonates with me. I feel like a parrot!
Concerns these last 2 days, he has started a new behavior, says he did not hear me.
I think it is psychological.
Even so, will get his hearing checked.
I don't understand why hearing aids have to cost so much, $3-$5 K. The latest iphone is a powerful technological mini computer and can do a zillion things and still cost 1/3 of the hearing aids which only have one function. If I have to guess, prices are so high because there is no real competition, and the manufacturers can charge the insurance whatever price they want.
Well, as I said, I really DO love my DIL. She is one tough cookie--came from a family where NOBODY ever graduated HS--and went on to serve in the Navy, get through Med School and residency AND 4 years of navy service and have 4 kids in the mix.
She just doesn't suffer fools. My hubby wishes profoundly that I was just like her. Well---she is tough and she IS amazing, but she is very, very cold. Loving to those whom she cares for but doesn't bother with the rest of us. I met her twice before she left for Yale, figured I'd never see her again--and well, life happened. She and my son dated cross country for almost a year, he got accepted to Law School and they married and left. Haven't lived within 700 miles of us since. I really lost my son when he got married. It happens.
I'm not intimidated by her MD, I'm intimidated by he amazing ability to get everyone in her path to do what she wants, me included.
And she full well knows I cannot control my hubby. My son is 100% in his wife's thrall, and that works for them.
On the good news side--I budgeted for hearing aids (hoping that hubby will get them!) and priced them at around $3-5K. Then hubby said to check with insurance--and lo and behold, they are covered!!
Ironically, a liver transplant would be covered 100% under this insurance. When hubby had his in 2006, we were out $250,000 when all was said and done. Life, go figure.
What makes her and your son think you can control your husband and make him do what you want? He's not a child. Ask them if you can make them do something they don't want? If no, then the same goes for your husband. They certainly got brains but not using them logically.
And don't be intimidated by her (or her dr. degree). She's got knowledge, but no heart, no logics, and no respect. A far from perfect human being (just like a lot of us.) See her for who she is and don't be afraid.
You are one tough cookie — and also warm and perceptive. Keep your boundaries up. Keep being kind to yourself.
Either hubby’s intellectual vanity will get the ball rolling....or the accountability will fall squarely where it belongs. On him!
We’re rooting for you. 👍🏼
The apt is for MARCH 28th, not today, darn it!! But I've waited over 30 years, another 28 days won't matter :)
DH went to his mother's the other night to fix HER hearing aids. She's completely deaf. I think sitting with her, trying to communicate he began to feel an inkling of what I experience. Her TV was on so loud it was bothering HIM.
I had not told him of the apt before he went to his mothers'. He was complaining about the frustration of trying to "help" her and how bad it was, she was so clueless and out of touch with the world--and so on. I let him finish his rant and then dropped the bomb that I had scheduled a visit for him. He took it really well. I think he "might" finally be adapting to the idea that maybe he has a problem.
He IS taking the dementia/deafness combo to heart. He is very proud of how smart he is, and to appear to be "dumb" just b/c yo missed the aural clues....well, this was a lot easier than I thought.
Just hoping and praying for a "good outcome". If not, and he cannot he helped, we will all learn sign language.
It's a mixed blessing, for sure. I have to sleep with earplugs b/c I DO hear everything.
Life is very weird, for sure. At least DH is giving me zero pushback on the appt. He doesn't know yet that I am going with him. Just to take notes as he cannot hear and won't listen to the doc!
Yes, DIL was incredibly rude and short tempered with me--but I have 4 grandbabies she's holding hostage up there in the PNW---I usually take her yelling with a grain of salt. She and my son are super type-A people, they adore each other--but there is a LOT of yelling going on that house. I think her nuclear family does a lot of yelling--ours most assuredly did NOT and this is not something I am adapting to well. I'm not going to cut her out of my life, and I will just sit back and take it, b/c some people just need to believe they are always right and that they are "helping" when they point out your obvious flaws. I DO talk too much, and I know why: nobody hears me. Beginning with DH. Mostly due to DH. Hopefully we can ameliorate some of his hearing loss and I can return to normal volume :)
I'm sad about the poor relationship I have with my DIL. I really work hard to make it work, but she doesn't seem to care.
However, on the flip side, I have 4 SONS in law whom I adore and they love me. One is a realtor and he is finding us our "retirement house" which will be fairly close to him and my daughter. I asked him why, since I am not married to any certain area and he replied "I need to have you close enough that I can check on you daily, even if it's a drive by to see if you're ok". All 4 Sons in LAw have said I can live with them in my dotage. (My daughters don't necessarily feel the same :) ) What wonderful men!!
"A son is a son 'til he gets him a wife, a daughter's a daughter all of your life". My SIL are amazing, makes up for Dr. Frosty.
I would think that maybe the threat of losing his license would wake him up. Maybe that is what its going to take. My husband has had hearing problems since a toddler from an accident. Stop shouting. Have a white board and write it down. He may not like that. Good Luck, I have a stubborn one too. And please, when invited to DILs again please decline telling her that you no longer feel comfortable there. I didn't see SIL for 10yrs because of her attitude towards me.
To clear up a few things that were mentioned:
"Can he use a computer"--a simple and thoughtful question--and it had me falling off my chair laughing...my DH is a software engineer--so, about 90% of his JOB is using a computer. And he stays updated to the point he is THE go-to guy in his huge company as the one engineer who can troubleshoot a job from home, with just his laptop, so yes, I can confidently say he's computer literate!!
"What if he was stopped by cops" --um, he was stopped twice in the last year, the most recent being 3 weeks--going 30 MPH over the speed limit. The ticket was enormous. He just didn't hear the cop. And he listens to the music in his car so loudly, nobody would hear anything.
I'm glad he is opting for both a good ENT checkup and the audiologist. DH is the most stubborn man I know, and a huge part of him not wanting to cave into placating me is just him being a jerk. I know this behavior is deeply rooted in his relationship with his own mother and he often treats me the way he treats her: like I am beyond stupid. His folks' marriage was a study in horror. Not being very intuitive or thoughtful, he's just gone along assuming that all marriages are filled with arguing and bitchy women.
I have to be incredibly patient with him. I'm sure he feels the same about me. That's a discussion for another day, I suppose.
I hope he can do some reading prior to his dr visit. He will be fascinated by the technology of a hearing aid--whether he'll wear them or not, I don't know. I have amazing hearing--for which I am SO grateful.
All I can do is hope he can be helped and will be patient with the aids once he gets them. He hears zero ambient noise, so the doorbell, the phone, he hears none of that. I know there will be a period of adjustment to that.
AS far as my DIL, well, she gets frustrated at the noise in her home, but she yells as much as anybody else. They live 800 miles away, and I can certainly control how much time I spend with her. We really shouldn't stay in their home when we visit--that makes it harder. I love her, I know she loves me, she just doesn't "do" emotion, and that's just how she is.
Thanks for the heads up and the advice!! My hubby IS a Vet, so I will check into that for possibly partial payment. Our insurance pays nothing, I know that.
Thank you, good friends! I have felt SO alone in this struggle.
This current set with the attachments cost between $8,000 and $12000, because I ask about the attachments for blue tooth and the TV.
With the last set I only had one volume control that set the volume for both aids. Terrible idea. I hated them. But they did work okay n restaurants but not in the car. The buses were just too loud for me to hear the wife.
With these I have separate volume controls which helps a lot. I wear a necklace which acts as a pre-amp for the aids, connects my cell phones via blue tooth, is capable of attaching mp3 players and other things, and with the accessory for the TV I can hear the TV with it on mute.
I gave up years ago worrying what others may think. Hearing loss is not an age thing . Although a lot of illiterate individuals may think that. But for me they can just stick their head in a bucket and yodel.
Years ago Rush Limbah (sp) opted for cocklear implants because his hearing was totally gone.
I will agree that many people have an ego about it. Just like some have about wearing glasses or wear wigs.
The surrounding noises can be filtered out to a great extent and should be done at the time of the fitting. As for the TV background noise (aka music) I doubt much can be dome about that.
If he is bullheaded enough to deny his problem then let him live in a world of silence.
An audiologist may be able to help him accept his loss.
I think someone mentioned other items that can help with a hearing loss. Personal listener, head phones, wireless listeners, etc.
But don't forget the other things in life that are affected by hearing loss. Smoke detectors, bed shakers for the phone and door bell,door bells, light flashers for phones and doorbells.
It is his and the lives of others that are or could be as stake.
Don't forget the story of the old mule that would stop in the middle of plowing the field.
But the only way a hearing aid works is if it is used. Sadly, they don't help if the person sticks them in a drawer.