So..I don't usually write, but just came back from visit to ALF. Mom was in bed and first words when we woke her were, 'can you find some way to get me out of here and home with you'? When I explained that I couldn't because we have to work and can't afford homecare, she let me know that she is in fear they don't want her to leave alive. When asked why she feels that answer, just that fear is going to kill her. She got angry then accused me of being angry because of tone of voice. Even after 3 years she can still push the buttons! Frustrating, because, unlike many of the others, she can still carry on conversations, knows us, and seems fairly cognizant most of the time. I come home wondering if she is that bad. Seems like stormy weather affects their moods. She then proceeded to fall back asleep so we left. Unfortunately, mom is not one you can redirect. Thanks for lending an ear...this daughter just feels guilty right now that I can't fix my mom and go back in time and notice changes earlier.

This discussion has been closed for comment. Start a New Discussion.
Find Care & Housing
Thanks for the insight Freqflyer. We have visited other days, we even tried evenings (not good with sundowning) for a while. Mom had pretty much turned into a hermit prior to the fall, UTI and drop in blood sugar (comatose) that started this journey. She had been having some problems, but hid them well. She does not participate in most activities and never goes with the group that gives out to eat once in a while. The ladies caregiving on a whole love her and tell she is quite sweet most of the time. We have found that once a week visit is best, although I would love to go more often, she just begins to dwell on going home when we are there too much.

It has taken 3 1/2 years for my mom to finally realize that the need for facility care is necessary because I was also working and couldn't have her at home alone.  If she is active in the entertainment area and enjoying it, then you know she doesn't hate it all of the time.  Get ready for EVERYONE to tell you ALL OF THE TIME that "it's the disease process" every time something comes up.  Some of it IS the disease process, and some of it is for attention seeking.  Be ready to develop a toughness so that you can survive.  Join a support group NOW.  See if there is a local NAMI group and join it to learn about mental illness education (12 week course but also supplies lots of materials to help you out later on).  I've been doing it a long time, but others have done it longer than I have.  Somehow, you survive even though you think you can't.  Church.  Prayers. Gatherings with others in the same boat.  Discussions.  Quiet time to block out everything else but your alone time with yourself. Yoga. Runs. Walking the dog.  Time for YOU.

HangingIn, I remember one time on the forum where a grown daughter had a Mom who just hated her Assisted Living facility.

So one day the daughter decided to pop in to visit Mom without Mom knowing she was coming. Well, there was Mom in the activities group laughing up a storm with the other gals, really enjoying herself... until she spotted her daughter. Oops, the jig was up :P

If you are visiting your Mom the same time frame, you might want to just stop in at an odd hour and view from afar as to what Mom is doing. Then you would get a better idea. Just a thought.

Start a Discussion
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter