I don't know how to really begin this discussion because I am sooo confused and frustrated with my mom. I am new to this so bare with me. I am 41 years old, married with 2 boys and help care for my 72 year mom. For as long as I can remember my mom has been a hypocondreact (spelling?) and always going to the doctor for something she can treat over the counter. And now when she is really sick she won't go to the doctors and tells us, "I gotta feel better to go". Really?
And this situation with her has literally been going on for the last 15 years and in the last 4 months has been the worst of it all. She has more health issues to arise since May when she went to the hospital in a diabetic coma and they told us it would be a miracle if she made it through the weekend. She made it and I thank god for that miracle but she is worst more then ever now.
My mom is diagnois with (in order)Conjestive heart failure, COPD, Bronchitis/pneumonia, Kidney disease, Coronary disease, high bloodpressure/hypotension, Diabeties, and Anemia. She also has gout!
She won't stay in the hospital long enough to have tests done cause she raises all kinds of hell at the hospital to the point she refuses treatment. And THEY LET HER OUT! I know they can't hold her against her will.
I never know what I am gonna get with her! Sometimes I get mean mom and sometimes I get nice mom. I thinks she also has undiagnoised Borderline Personality disorder!! She doesn't tell us all the doctors say or she lies about what the doctor says. I confronted her yesterday about that. She tells me,"Yes I do tell you all what the doctors say!" I told her I am not arguing with you and no YOU DO NOT! She is the same way with my dad, and my dad takes the blunt from her.
I am trying to be a good daughter and do the right thing but I can't when she fights it all the way! I am tired of the guilt trips she gives me and then tells me that it is her life and her business to stay out of it. I said okay, just remember you said it!
When she was in the hospital back in May, before the ambulance was called. I did everything moved her, helped her to the potty, cause my dad had hernia surgery in April and wasn't suppose to lift anything over 40lbs. We didn't know this was a diabietic coma she was in cause this is the state she is always in right before we call the ems. But anyway, when she starts coming out of things. She tells me I am the wicked witch and I just want to fill her shoes. All because I called the ems. Long story short, she checked herself out and the realizes she wasn't ready to come home so we moved heaven and earth to get her back in and then after about 4 days she is starting her crap about coming home. She doesn't get nothing straighten out.
So she has been back in the hospital twice since then. On July 20th she was there over night when she pulled that crap. Then nine days later she was right back in there, and that is when they labeled her COPD. She was in there for 5 days and started the crap again. They want to do a test on her to figure out what to do about her heart because that is what is trigoring all these additional health problems. She has been nothing but mean and hateful to both me and my dad. She is emotionally and verbally abusive. And does not want to listen to anyone. Not the doctors, not me, and not my dad.
I love my mom with all my heart but she is wearing on my nervous. I know I have been rambling on this post and I may not have told all the story correctly but hopefully you will get the jist of things. My dad pulled POA on her this last time so she couldn't check her self out this time. And I don't know why dad didn't tell them to do the test? There is so much more to the story to tell but don't know really where to start! 15 years is alot to tell about. I am just giving you a small issue of the big picture.
She is always telling me she doesn't want to be a burden on me and I always tell her you are not a burden and that I do things I do for out of love and the kindness of my heart. But this last time she told me she would not ask for my help. I said okay! So she calls me last night and hints around about having to make a doctor appointment. She thought I would just volunteer to take her like I have always done in the past. She pegged me wrong. I made her ASK ME!
Thanks for hearing me ramble on! If you got any questions or some type of advice it would be greatly appreciated. Cause I am tired and like I am at the end of my rope!
Whenever you're feeling those feelings that are tearing you apart, try to come back to the present moment. Ask yourself "what's my problem right now?"
Then deal with the problem (if there is one) right now, and if not (probably more common) relax and know that being centered right now will stop your suffering.
My favorite thought.....If you are depressed you're living in the past. If you are anxious you are living in the future. If you are living in peace you are living in the present.
Carmen: I too hate to see my mom in this state to once be a strong person. And my mom too has ALWAYS been negative. When she is really down and sick she repeatedly ask why doesn't god just take her? Or why don't you just let me die? I know when she says that she is really suffering. It makes me feel sad when she says that but I do understand she is tired of suffering. It is like she is giving up on life. Like mom when she goes to the doctor she tells me he doesn't know what he is talking about. I just tell her most know something cause he went to school for this type of job. I hear Utah is a very beautiful place. Prayers and Hugs your way!
October: Thanks!
Caryn: No you are correct, we can not do this alone. I am sorry to hear about your mom. No you are right again, we can't force them do test or treatments and that is sad. We all have to take time for ourselves in this battle we face. If we don't we will loose sight of ourselves. Ur welcome. Hugs!
I still trying to keep my distance from her but not totally alienate her. I have recently completed to projects. Redid my sons bedroom and redid the bathroom and still do the house work and cooking and run a business. And I have recently join a Gym to get my self in shape and away from the house for about an hour at least twice week. I am trying to let the stress just roll off my back. And I try not to let my mom guilt me because I don't see her as often but doesn't mean she doesn't try. Let it roll off my back. And doesn't mean I love her any less just means I have to love myself first.
I am just so frustrated right now that I don't even know how to put any of this into words. They gave us 4 options on what to do about mom. (1) hospital stay for a month, (2) a rehab, (3) a nursing facitlity, or (4) take her home and have home healthcare come in. My dad on the ride up to the hospital to meet with the doctor my dad told me what he wanted to do if it was a choice. So I don't know why he needed me there. He chose the last option and I told him he should only bring her home if there was already something set in place as far as home health care. He didn't of course.
She has accused me of not wanting her home, of wanting to put her away, of stealing from her, and all kinds of threats. I don't want to see either of my parents in a home. Then when I went down there a couple of days after she got home to checkn on her. As soon as she saw me she started screaming like a 2 year old and was trying to hide under the covers. I told my dad, that was it I can't handle anymore of this.
Then she calls me a couple of days later, asking for my help. I asked her where is dad. She gives me a vague answer, so I go down there. Talked her out of what she was wanting to do. Then she asked me If I had talked to my sister, cause she has been calling her and my sister won't return her calls. My mom and my sister has not spokening in almost 3 years cause of some nasty things my mom has sad and a done to her. She still runs my sister down to her kids. I am like OH I SEE you can't get no one to your side of things. I did not tell her that. But she used to do that all of my life. When she was mad at one of us, she would call the other and talk bad about who ever she was mad at.
I could go on on and on about this situation. But I just needed to vent. I miss everyone here! I feel ashamed of myself for not keeping in touch.