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It is so easy for people from the outside looking in to reply to your burnout or exhaustion with the typical "Just say NO". Or just make someone else help, or just make her do more for herself. I would love to be able to tell my MIL and her son's "No" I cannot do that, or "No" I need a night off and have it mean something. My MIL has end stage pancreatic cancer that is also now in her liver and spleen. She recently took what I expect to be the turn for the worse. I had Hospice bring in a hospital bed, put her on oxygen, and have increased her pain meds and Xanax (makes her easier to deal with). So over the past week, while trying to take care of work, my kids, my house, myself - I have received phone calls from my mother and my friends all getting on my case for not just saying "NO" and forcing my husband, his brothers and family to help more. Like I really need to be lectured by my support system for not trying? I have a SignUp Genius page and have for months, I cannot even get someone from his family to sign up to bring dinner over once a week let along cover for me when I need a night out. I beg and plead with my MIL's family to come over and visit so I can get a break, I use Facebook and Caringbridge to ask for help. But it doesn't change anything. I don't need MY small support group getting on the phone with me and accusing me of not doing enough. What - I am suppose to just leave my house and my MIL to fend for herself? I don't even want to take to anyone anymore because they all have their wonderful opinions on how I am doing it all wrong.
I just don't know how to deal with anyone anymore. My MIL, my husband, his family, my friends and my family. It is only adding to the isolation I already feel.

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This question is really old, like January 2013. I doubt if the patient is still with us.
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You need to have MIL moved to a hospice unit, not at home hospice. Call hospice and ask what that will take. She is end stage pancreatic cancer, I am sorry but the situation you are in with her is bad, however the situation you are in with your husband is worst. He is leaving you with this mess aka his dying mother while he plays golf. You are married to a selfish oaf. What would he do if you were ill? Go skiing? Give him a choice to step up and care for mom, or you move out. Do it the day before his trip, that way he wont have to cancel work to stay wilth mommy. You need to be strong, make sure you withdraw some funds to allow yourself some to be able to stay at a hotel and if needed file for seperation of assets. You need 2 things from him (1) mom in a hosoice facility (2) couples marriage counseling. Neither are negotiable.

Remember if/when mom dies, you are still married to the same oaf.

Sorry, do not mean to hurt you, but that man needs fixing.
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You are not alone though you feel that way.We are all in this with you though we are only text on a page. Many of us know exactly what you're going through and every day we ask ourselves "why me" ? There is no answer. We do our best to get through the day.We learn not to try and live up to expectations of those who do not understand our situation (or want to), We learn to expect no help.If help comes we are grateful, if not we struggle on.
We are stronger for this trial by fire and anything after this has got to be better!
Smile at the end of the day because you've gotten through it.Who knows tomorrow may be brighter than you expected.
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When your husband walks in the door from his 5 day golf trip, you walk out with suitcase in hand with your own plans for a 5 day you want trip. You are just as entitled to some me time as he does. Ignore the "Just say No" by others and listen to "Just say Yes" from yourself in having time for what you want to do. Your husband can take time off from work to care for his mother, kids and home while you take care of what you would like to do.
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5 day golf trip, really? I would definately line up hospice for respite, and then I would treat yourself to a spa day, or whatever would be a treat for you and help you relax. Do, and do not allow yourself to feel guilty about it.
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Heck, I'm in the same boat. I get criticized all the time for visiting my mom every other day and doing the stuff that keeps her minimally happy. She will never be *happy* and I know that. I don't have it in me to just abandon her. It does make me one crabby person at times and I don't like that. Then I get crap for being crabby. It's an endless circle.

The fact of the matter is there is no one else but me. I'm it. I like capn's answer too. Blow it out your ass, works. I'd also be kicking hubby in the arsenal for a 5 day golf trip. Really? And you're taking care of HIS mother? Whatever that trip costs, I'd take an equal amount to hire respite care for YOU! Your life is just as valuable as anyone else, hubby included. Big hugs to get up the gumption to take care of you! It's not easy, I know.
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Love the "blow it out your ass" idea. I think I might make this my motto for the week :)
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I just don't understand how the few people I reach out to for support can be so judgemental. I know they love me, care about me and worry about me, but coming across in an attacking manner is not what I get on the phone for. I am going to talk to our hospice team today and set up some respite care. I was invited to a SuperBowl party and would love to go, but haven't found anyone to stay with my MIL (my husband will be on a 5 day golf trip in FL - how nice for him). Maybe respite can cover and I can actually enjoy seeing the big game.
Thank you for that recommendation. I had almost forgotten they offered that.
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he he, " screams of no reply " ( aerosmith ) ..
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i ( had ) a friend who was forever blurting out poorly thought, judgemental crap at me. when you can learn to not even respond to ignorance you are getting there.. to respond invariably gives the impression that youre defending yourself. its like saying " blow it out your ass " without even moving your lips..
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What a miserable life for you right now; howver, Hospice should be offering to give you respite. Respite is just one of all the wonderful things they can provide. Call your nurse and ask for someone to help. You are a wonderful daughter-in-law and your MIL's family is blessed to have you. What will they do should you get ill?

Your husband and his family needs good swift kicks in the pants. What a sorry group you have for support. I know it is past just saying "NO" but you can tell them you aren't listening to them and do walk out of the house when someone is there! I pray if another situation like this comes up, you do not offer and do not allow your husband to put you in this position again.

Good luck and God bless!
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