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There was a previous, and now closed thread asking how someone could be `forced' to care for an elderly parent. Having found myself in that situation and feeling very hurt by some of the insensitive posts on this topic, I thought I would shed some light on my point of view .... in hopes that it might help and support someone else who is suffering in this situation. So ... how can someone be `forced?' Well, this is how. Imagine that you had parents who were generally kind and loving your whole life, and your father is at the end of his life, he is in pain and he is 94, he is ready to die but he can't until he knows that his wife, your mother, will be taken care of. She is a very private person, she has dementia, but not severe, she has told you your whole life that she never wants to live in a nursing home. You tell your Dad that you will take care of her until you can't handle it any more. He dies. She moves in. She is depressed, narcissistic, selfish, childish. The loving mother is still there, but only in glimpses. You love her but you don't really like the person that she has become. She sucks the energy out of the room. Your 13 year old son, with whom you are very close, is sad all of time because of her negativity and guilting. He stops listening to music and dancing and bouncing balls and being joyful because of her caustic comments and guilting looks. He starts to go to counselling, you start to go to counselling. You both start stress eating and praying for a solution every day, but nothing ever changes. You are crying while you write this ... your son was crying about an hour ago.


You are not alone. There are many people who get FORCED to look after a loved one. Forced by a deathbed request, forced by your own moral code that says that you don't just push the elderly out on an ice floe when they become inconvenient to you, forced by circumstance or finances. To all of you who have been FORCED, it is not that you made bad life choices, as some would like to suggest on this site, it is that you are kind and compassionate and loving, and you are trying to be the best person you can be. Stay strong, and when you can't take it any more, you will find a solution.


There will always be people who are filled with hate and gain strength from putting others down. Day by day the internet becomes more of a wasteland where trolls give away their time to hurt others and to gain 'power' by so doing. Pity those people, they need your love. They do not understand that many of us turn to forums like this for support, and that their put downs make an already difficult burden even more difficult. Or maybe they do understand and just don't care. It really does not matter. They must not be allowed to dampen your spirit,


Caregivers, just know that you are not alone and that you are making a noble sacrifice ... forced or voluntary. Blessings to everyone who understands, who loses their patience, who beats themselves up for it, cries in the car, screams into their pillows, and puts on a brave face for their children, their parent and their spouse, friends and coworkers. Namaste.

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This post struck a nerve with me tonight. When my dad was near death two and a half years ago I told him I would care for my mother. Little did I know how it would affect my life. My mother is controlling, depressed, has mild dementia, refuses assisted living, and if she had her way I would be living in her home. After my dad died I stayed with my mother for about two months. I reached a point where I needed to return to my own home. I am with my mother seven days a week. To date she has fallen down six times, maybe seven. She has broken her shoulder, ribs, and hip. She had surgery on the hip last summer after which she was in rehab for seven weeks. I attempted to get her to stay at that facility to no avail. She caused trouble every day while there. She went home needing care 24/7. That lasted three days when she kicked them all out. She sucks the life out of me every day. I go there and she complains about being alone. I reply you are alone because that is what you chose. If she doesn't get her way she cries and screams to the heavens for my father. She accuses us of stealing things from her. Case in point an adding machine my dad had fifty years ago. She says I stole it. I have never laid eyes on it. A bracelet. She says we took it. I go into her room and it's on her dresser where it always is located. A suitcase, again I have never seen it. I recently told her after consulting with her PCP she needed to go to assisted living.She agreed and after I had signed all the paperwork changed her mind and refused to go. Yesterday she wanted me to give her back her BP pills. I took them away because she would dump them all over the floor. I give her one each day. She said to me who cares if I lose a few. Just go refill it. Today she started in because I don't allow her to use the stove when we aren't there and she turned it into a huge fight. She had two fires. This is what se does. She loos for something to start a fight.On my way home people passing me must have thought I was insane screaming at the heavens. We got her a medical alert on advice from Elder Services. In the six weeks she has had it she has set it off 25 times.She won't answer the phone when she does so because she can't understand what they are saying so then they call me. Typically this happens at night when I am in bed. I have to get up and drive over to see if she is okay. My BP is through the roof. The stress will kill me.
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You are not being forced. Change things. Be loving and compassionate to yourself and son.
Martyrdom is not helpful to your son. Change things.
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A promise to take care of your mother can mean a lot of things. It doesn't JUST mean that you have to care for her in your home, to your detriment, and to your dear son's detriment as well. It just means that you have to see to it that she's kept safe, that she's fed, and that she's cared for in a nice environment. That is ALL it means! I seriously doubt your father would want you & your son to be suffering like this and needing counseling to continue caring for your mother!

My father asked for the same promise from me before he passed away in 2015; that I would take care of my mother (who turned 93 this month) and that I would 'have more patience' with her. I'm taking care of her.............she's living in Memory Care and doing fine. I just went to the store for her & purchased a list of things she was 'desperately in need of', and brought them over to her. I then listened to her say over and over again how she needs to die, and why it's time for her to die, and how sad it is that her legs hurt and she can't sleep through the night anymore. And then I left, feeling down in the dumps, as I always do after a visit. But I got to LEAVE. And leave all that negativity there, the Memory Care home.

I'm still caring for my mother & honoring my father's request. I can't say I've gained a lot more patience for the woman with her behavioral issues, but I'm working on it. That's the best I can do. I am, after all, only human.

I am glad to read that you are making a decision in your best interest, and in your son's best interest. Your mother will be fine.......there is a lot to do in ALFs, entertainment, socialization, others to complain with, 'horrible food' to complain about, 3 snacks a day, music, rides on the mini bus to various places, etc. It's not the 'hellhole' some insist it is. In fact, it's lovely, at least the place my mother is in. She's been there for 5 years in the ALF section, and since May in the Memory Care section, and she's doing fine. And so am I, and my husband, and that's what really counts. That we are ALL doing well; not just mother.

Best of luck!
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Midkid,

People just don’t realize what they are signing up for. I didn’t realize plus it was expected of me being the only daughter. I adored my daddy so I think I would have promised him anything. To complicate it further mom lost her home in Hurricane Katrina. It’s not as black and white as we are going through everything.

Then burnout happens, mom and siblings criticizing everything! I had to ask mom to live with my brother or lose my mind. Now my brother has mom and I have gone no contact. I do get sad sometimes but what is the point? I can’t change anything and it’s just not worth it anymore. It is what it is.

I feel for your brother. I really do. It’s hard being the caregiver. I feel horribly that your mom treated you so shabbily. There is no logical explanation for their behavior at times.

Why can’t your mom move to a facility now? My mom would have to be forced to go to one too. I think I see what you mean. It’s all just one giant mess at times, right? Sad.

I don’t think that I could tell him that he chose it. It will only make him feel like his nose is being rubbed in it. I have seen plenty of posters saying they truly did not know how bad it would get. Naive? Yes, indeed. Hopeful that things would go smoothly? Yes, that too. Trapped in delusional thinking, I suppose. Groomed? Absolutely. A big mess to be sure.
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I really, really hate the 'deathbed' promise that so many parents seem to foist off on their kids. 'Don't put mother in a home. Care for her!' And you say yes, and then 22 years later you're dealing with 4 generations of people needing you!

I would not promise my dad I'd take care of mom in my home. Neither did any of my sibs, except my youngest brother. He has had mother in his home for 23 years. His own kids are all adults, but still all live at home. His married son and his wife and new baby are moving in next month. YB will have 10 people living in his house--it's completely crazy. The time to move her to a ALF has come and gone, she now would not thrive if moved. YB is her sole CG, as I have health issues that keep me out of her apartment. The 3 other sibs are MIA.

Having my mother in the house and being fairly difficult and demanding has made life very hard for my YB--but as I have pointed out to him when he is stressed out--HE chose this. we all voted to move mom to a ALF years ago and he was the single dissenting vote.

I have made my kids promise me they will NOT take me into their homes.
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Alva, both stories are good points :)
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What happens in our childhood effects us through our adulthood. You think you have gotten pasted it. Grown and matured but then something triggers it.

I did better working than I did in school. My sister was the smart one and things came easy for her. Me, I had to really work for good marks. This one time a cousins name came up, who like my sister was very smart. I said something about he never really used those smarts. And my Dad said something about me being stupid in school. (this coming from a man who never finished high school) Which is how I was made to feel back then. I was in my 50s at the time. I got up and went home and cried my eyes out. I had done well with my life. Better than my sister. I did well at my jobs. I had a home, husband and 2 girls. But it only took that word "stupid" to set me off. And no, Dad never apologized.

Your son seems to be sensitive to his surroundings. He is at a vulnerable age where kids are trying to find out where they fit and who they are. He is your priority.
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All the best to you, forced. You are making a wise decision, Your son has to come first. And you need to look after yourself. Finding and dealing with placement for your mother can be difficult. I had to make some difficult decisions re my mother too, but they were the right ones. Feel free to sign back in for more support if you need it. ((((((hugs))))))
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This post does bring to the fore the two stories I drive everyone nuts on the forum with repeating over and over.
The first is that we cannot fix everything; we cannot make everything right, even if that is our intention, our dedication. Even if we see it as our obligation. We are not Saints. Saints die shot full of arrows, then spend eternity trying to answer the prayers of the rest of us. It is a very bad job to apply for.
When it comes to our children, our own nuclear family is our first responsibility; that brings to the fore the old "Eagle Story"--readers who have suffered through it a million times, do scroll on. The Eagle's land is covered by a raging flood and the eagle must save his eaglets. He takes the first from his nest in his talons and starts over the raging waters. He says to his chick "Now, when I am old and feeble will you like save me in this manner?" And the eaglet says "Yes, father, I certainly will." The Eagle drops this chick directly into the raging flood and returns to the nest for his other eaglet. As he moves over the raging waters he says "And when I am old and helpless will you alike save ME from the raging waters? " and the baby replies "Father, I am sorry. I cannot promise you this. But I DO promise that I will alike save my OWN chicks from the waters." This chick the Eagle saves.
Our obligation is to our child. We may mourn and cry and wail at the fates for our pain, for the pain of our parents in age, when everything is about loss (I am 77....it slowly seems that everything becomes about loss). Any good child suffers the pangs of hades over the pain they witness in their parents, over the promises they are unable to fulfill. We are human beings, flawed and inadequate, and the wonder is, really, how hard we try.
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Forced - please continue to let us know how you are and what you find for your mom & how you and your son recover. Remember - placement is not "punishment" for your mom. You are taking care of her by finding the level of care that she needs, that you are not able to provide. There is no one at fault - not your mom for aging & needing care, not you nor your son for being unable to sustain the caregiving. She will not be locked up and never seen again. You will continue to be her daughter, see that her needs are taken care of and advocate for her. She is just living somewhere else.

Be kind to your self. Take care of your son.

PS - I used to go out into the woods and scream and scream or thrash in the snow like a toddler having a tantrum. Then a neighbor came by one day and we had a laugh - but he understood because he had taken care of his aging parents. He used to scream in the garage - in his car - with the music turned up.
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Thank you for all of your kind and constructive comments. I am signing off now but have gleaned what I needed ... an objective opinion on the situation. You are all right ... I think the time has come ... even though it has only been 9 months. She is going to be devastated but my son is devastated now. It is a terrible choice to have to make but I am going to make it. I wish everyone on this site love and peace.
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You son is being negatively affected by your caretaking of your mother. He is a child and will carry his childhood into adulthood. This can and most likely will lead to resentment towards you. You are not forced to do anything, it is your choice to put your mother before your child. You have stretched the rubber band as far as it should go, place your mother and give your son a chance to flourish.

I question your priorities, maybe therapy will open your eyes. Good Luck!
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"You tell your Dad that you will take care of her until you can't handle it any more."

"Your 13 year old son, with whom you are very close, is sad all of time because of her negativity and guilting. He stops listening to music and dancing and bouncing balls and being joyful because of her caustic comments and guilting looks. He starts to go to counselling, you start to go to counselling. You both start stress eating and praying for a solution every day, but nothing ever changes. You are crying while you write this ... your son was crying about an hour ago."

Aren't you to the point that you "can't handle it anymore"? You have an out...why don't you use it?

"Forced by a deathbed request, forced by your own moral code that says that you don't just push the elderly out on an ice floe when they become inconvenient to you,"

You are choosing to sacrifice yourself and (unfortunately) your 13-year-old son to your "noble sacrifice." Putting an elder in a facility doesn't mean "pushing them out on an ice floe."

If you want to sacrifice yourself by your "moral code," that is one thing. But you are also sacrificing your vulnerable son. What is your "moral code" towards him? There's a lot more going on than just "inconvenience."
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You are in a tough spot and it has to change, it is only going to get worse, much worse. Would your mom, when she was herself, want you to sacrifice your and son's life and childhood to provide the care? Would your dad?

Taking care of her means making sure she is getting the care she needs. Compassionate and competent care from someone that has balance in life by caring for themselves and their responsibilities, including their own family which is always the top priority especially when young children.

Consider the life long impact that this will have on your son if he does not get the care and loving and compassion that he needs. There have been cases where child protective services have become involved because of the devastating impact on children when there are elderly in the home. Then you will be forced to provide a healthy environment for your child to grow up in. Do you want it to go that far?
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Thank you for this post. It helps to know I am not alone in my struggles.
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Okay, I feel like I can speak to this issue because I was you. Not the exact story as you. No two stories are identical, but close enough. I promised my dad that I would take care of mom. I had children at home when she moved in. Yes, it gets harder to deal with.

You and your son matter just as much as your mom. Your mom has value but she has lived the majority of her life.

If you won’t make a positive change for you, please consider doing it for your son. He is deserving of it and so are you. Please put her in a facility.

I am no longer caring for my mom in my home and I am better for it. I am not a horrible person. I cared for her for over 20 years and 15 of those were in my home.

I simply couldn’t do anymore. The weight of the world is off of my shoulders.
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forced - I am so sorry you and your son are in this situation. I totally understand it. My mom also has Alz. My kids used to love grandma, but now they can't stand being in the same room with her. I can't blame them because my mom drives everyone up the wall with her constant and repetitive comments and questions.

I get what you mean by your mom sucking the energy out of the room. My mother sucked the life out of me when she was living with me 24/7. When she moved out, my husband and kids said they could feel the tension and stress lifting.

Here's hoping that your situation will improve soon.
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It's very hard work. Nobody should be forced.
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