I'm forced to care for declining mother because my brother lives in her house after a divorce and he doesn't want the state to take it.

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Mom had a stroke at the age of 58 - 22 years ago. She cannot speak and has more difficulty understanding daily. She also has multi infarct dementia and has anxiety attacks shreaking and attempting to strike me. I have been her sole care giver since my Dad died in 2010. I am single and have to work to keep a roof over our heads. My brother, who has not taken care of her for 30 minutes since she came to my house, does not want to put her in a nursing home because he is divorced and lives in her home and doesn't want to have to give it up for Medicaid. Meanwhile, I am exhausted, depressed, cry all the time and do nothing but worry. My mother is so demanding that my 22 year old daughter moved out of the house because she has constant demands. Constant calling out day and night for no good reason, like she wants a role of paper towels at 12 AM just I am getting to sleep. She roams at night. she has limited mobility with a quad cane. She suffered right sided hemiplegia with the stroke and her left side is getting weaker, she has fallen three times and is abusive to me. I can't believe I have to live this way because my brother doesn't want to give up the house. I understand, I don't either. But I think I will die before she does.. She will be 81 in Sept. we live in NJ

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Sounds like bro just took mom's asset, just because it is the house he grew up in does not mean he gets to keep it. He needs to grow up, save up his own down payment and pay his own mortgage on his own home, like his parents and most of humanity does. What is the difference between that and just helping himself to her savings account.

The equity in her home is for the purpose of her needs, proceed to do what you need to, do not feel guilty and use the asset to care for mom. Bro is getting a free house at the expense of you and your mom' health and quality of life.

Best regards,
L
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If your mother is not living in the house with your brother as the full-time caregiver for at least two years, then the house is not exempted from recovery. You should print out a copy of the rules governing recovery and show it to him. To say that she had been living there would be fraud. That would be seen through very quickly I'm sure.
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Your brother sounds quite narcissistic. Is the deed in your mom's name? Is the house paid for or is there a mortgage? If there is a mortgage, who pays for it and for how long? Does your brother pay rent?

It seems that your mom's growing needs are getting beyond what you can really handle. A NH would be a great option and give you and your family a reprieve.

You need to care for your Mom - not your brother.
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