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I saw a video on dementia and people were commenting on how the wife wasn't so nice to her husband's elderly mom. For instance, when the wife says to her husband that she's tired of doing her laundry, etc.


On the surface, she looks rude.
What people don't understand is the burn out spouses feel.
They get married, and then their spouses' attention is split between two people.
While we should understand how the elder feels. We should also understand how others feel.


Before taking care of a parent, talk to your spouse first, so you are on the same page.


Be a team. If you both decide to help, work together.
Be understanding of both the parent and each other.
And hire professional help, so the parent has the care they need, while you also take care of your marriage.


If the parent needs more help, a care facility should be looked into.


All the best everyone

IF my DH had done 10% of the CG for his mother that I did over the years, it wouldn't have taken 46 years for him to see how impossibly hard his mom is to simply get along with.

I'm sure he never gave it a thought--he'd get married and suddenly his responsibilities were also 'mine' although he rarely, if ever, helped out with my family issues.

I'm now 100% not interested nor invested in my MIL's care. I don't talk to her and I will not attend her funeral nor mourn for one second. That's a sad commentary about someone's entire LIFE. My BIL feels the same and this is HIS MOTHER. My SIL does ALL THE THINGS and DH steps in only when she is completely fried.

As so many couple did, we married way too young. Talk about what we'd do for our parents as they aged were non existent. We had no idea they'd age out so rapidly!

As my kids have aged (in their 30's & 40's) I have made it abundantly clear I do not want them doing hands on care. No matter what.

For people who are just 'starting out' a discussion of what they'd plan to do for the 'folks' would be most appropriate. Too late for us---but not for our kids.
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You’re absolutely correct.

Some people have no idea what they are talking about unless they have gone through caregiving themselves.

Even then, every single situation is unique.

Caregiving is one of the most exhausting jobs in the world.
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I've always said I wouldn't have wanted a camera recording everything I said and did when I was a caregiver and during the years when I looked after the kids, there were definitely times it wasn't pretty.
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