Seeking advice - fiance is his mother's caregiver.

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I am new here and have read a lot on the forums. I think you are all wonderful people and just reading your stories makes me feel selfish for even asking the questions I am about to ask - we need more people in the world like you.

Basically I met my boyfriend about 2 years ago. He lives about 2 hours from me which is not a huge distance but makes seeing each other a struggle sometimes due to our work schedules. We got engaged about a year ago. When I met him he told me how he cared for his sick father (father had cancer 3 times and the situation was awful). My fiance cared for his father until his death, while at the same time caring for his mother who has congestive heart failure and scarring of the lungs. His father died just before I met my boyfriend.

My boyfriend is the type that doesn't express how he is feeling. He just keeps going - he says he's too crazy busy to be depressed. He gets up, cares for his mom, sees his kids (from another marriage) and maintains difficult work hours. Then he drives to see me a lot too which is 4 hours in the car, etc. He gets no sleep and has the attitude that until his mother is gone this is just the way it is (he moved her in with him a few months after we started dating).

I can't talk wedding plans with him. We can't buy a house closer to our jobs and live together (which we would eventually do) because he refuses to move his mom. He says a move like that would kill her. She has anxiety issues and is bipolar on top of her other health problems. I have a huge fear that my life will be on hold for years because his mother seems to sit in a chair and watch tv all day (she's on oxygen 24/7) and just live her life like that. It seems the meds and oxygen just keep her status quo and it's already been this way for 2 years. I know the diseases will eventually take her, but I feel guilty and horrible to be resentful the longer I can't be with him and start our lives together. If my job were closer I would move in and be glad to help (I really like his mother), but I can't commute 2 hours to work.

He wont' talk about our future (which would help me see a light at the end of the tunnel...make me feel we at least have things to look forward to) because it's "disrespectful" to talk about how great life would be if she weren't here.

I feel 2nd. I know I'm 2nd and I have to be. I try to be understanding but sometimes his moods and the stress he's under fall onto me. I have encouraged him to seek counseling and he just started. They gave him valium for when he feels over-stressed but lately he says the appointments cut into his time even more and compound the problem.

If I so much as complain it's as if i'm a bad person, or I'm wrong and not seeing all her does for me. I never get any credit for being patient this long, or supportive (which I believe I have been).

I'm unhappy all by myself 2 hours away (my family is far away and I would move back with them however I met this wonderful man). I do love him and I may just need to be more supportive and less selfish. Or maybe I am cheating myself with a problem that isn't mine. I welcome your advice and appreciate total honesty . Thanks everyone!

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LG: Here's what I am understanding, please correct me if I am wrong. You and your b/f want to find a house to live in that is closer to your job. When you find the house, you are going to live together, including his mom. Then you will start planning the wedding. The other option is, he gets a house closer to you and you stay in your place, but it will be easier for you to see each other because you will be closer.

I'm a little confused about the mom issue. If you want to be with him, why not just accept that his mom is going to be with you both for some time. It sounds like his desire is to keep him mom home until she passes. Does he still feel that way?
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I should probably better explain the reason for focusing on living together before marriage. This is mostly my wishes only due to our situaion. Basically we are 2 hours apart right now, and with traffic in our part of the country it can take between 2-5 hours of driving in order to see each other...add to that work schedules, his need to not be away from mom for too long, etc. and it's hard. We both work a lot and there are days he may spend 6-10 hours in the car just to have dinner with me (and he drives a LOT to make it work). I have no family here and hate being in what feels like a long distance relationship at times. I have a day job keeping me in my location. His job is flexible as far as where he lives, but he owns his home. So, after our recent discussions, we have decided to put our finances towards getting a house together to be closer, and then planning the wedding. This is really more my desire than his. I've never been really into the whole big wedding thing - much more into finding a way to make things easier and be together. That's the best way I can explain it. I also don't want to get married and then have no way to be together because my job is here and his house is 2 hours away.
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Why are you waiting to get married until after she dies? That has been bothering me. I know a young woman who was planning a wedding in a year and then her mother was diagnosed with AD. They moved their wedding plans up to be as soon as they could make it, hoping Mom could still participate and still enjoy the anticipation. That makes sense to me. Putting your life on hold until Mom dies seems strange to me.

You said you like Mom. Why not give her the pleasure of seeing her son married before she dies? I don't mean you have to take her to pick out your dress or ask her what your colors should be. But wouldn't it be good for her to see you happily planning this event, and then to attend the event?

I am definitely not opposed to unmarried couples living together. I have young relatives raising families who never plan to marry. That's OK with me. But in this case, since you plan to marry, I wonder why you don't do that first?
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I got to some of your responses a bit late, but really appreciate them. To give you more background, I'm 35 and he's 45. I have never been married before. His divorce is a long story but not one with issues that I think will come into his new marriage with me (him and his ex are on good terms and raise their children very well together given the circumstances).

I wasn't totally surprised by all of the comments telling me to run for my life from my fiance. I know those of you here know better than anyone the stresses that being a caregiver bring into every situation. It is so hard for me to leave him over this. I am young at 35, but not THAT young where I haven't dated enough men to know that a really great man is hard to find (at least it has been in my experience). This man has so many great qualities (obviously why we are in this situation) and I don't know that I could find another like him. I know that if I was ever sick he would be there for me just as he has been there for his father and now his mother.

I want to stick it out. I don't want my life on hold but I realize it's my choice and if I choose him that his baggage comes with him. I am not saying I'm willing to deal with the situation as it is for another 5 years (no way!), but his mother seems to be declining in some ways recently. The hardest part is not knowing how much longer she will be here, and not knowing how bad her health will get. She could pass any day now, or she could decline into a state of not being able to do anything for herself....I do know things could get worse before they get better.

He tries to do the right thing. When I told him I felt second he came over all dressed up with flowers and took me out for dinner and told me he would change the situation in any way possible to keep me...there's just only so much he can do.

I guess my next question would be, if he suggests moving in together and bringing his mom should I say I'd rather wait to live together until after she passes, or should I take her with him? Any thoughts on that part? Thanks everyone. I may look back with regret, or I may be happy I stayed by him....only time will tell and i'm sure it has much to do with how much longer she is here.
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Lifegood: There's an old saying, "In for a penny, in for a pound." When you say, "I'm scared and not happy about any of it", that's a flag. Be sure you continually evaluate your feelings and intuition and share those thoughts with this man who you love. Honestly really is the best policy. It's the foundation for any relationship. Without honesty you don't really have a chance. Doesn't mean you can't be understanding and compassionate, but in the end you have to be happy. The relationship has to be something that brings you together. It's what you will build your future on.

May I ask how old you and your man are? Have you ever been married before? How long has he been divorced? You will be sharing his mother and his children. You said he has difficult work hours. Can you explain that in more detail? How will a change in location (new house) affect his commute and working hours. What will happen if mom gets worse and can't be home alone? How old are his children? I would assume they spend some weekends with him.

This could be a wonderful story of the two of you coming together and finding happiness, working as a team and sharing burdens; mostly his burdens, but forming a family unit including his kids and his mom. It could also be very difficult with mom's continuing needs, his children's needs, his job requirements, etc.

Some things to think about as you move closer to marriage. Best wishes, Cattails.
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Thank you all for your great advice. It means a lot to me that you can all be candid and that I have a place to talk to people that can relate to my fiance's situation. I decided to stop feeling so bad and to just express to him that I'm not happy this way, and I may not be willing to wait years to get married and be together. On a side note, I don't want kids, so that doesn't factor into timing, etc.

I told him I admire and love him for what he's doing and I try so hard to not add to the difficulty of the situation that I am not making it known that it is affecting my life too.

He listened and was very understanding to my feelings. He explained that he is really stuck right now, and he finally acknowledged that it's not fair to either of us to not be able to move on with our life together because he is waiting for her to die first. He said he will NEVER lose me over this and that he will be more open to talking about our future and making things happen.

We have decided to start planning our wedding...it could take a year and at least we can have something positive to focus on. We also discussed finances, etc. and are starting to house hunt. He said he will get a house with me closer to my job (before this had to wait until she passed away) and he will talk to his mom when the time comes about moving in with us. He also said he didn't want it to go that way because it doesn't feel like we are coming together and starting our life together - it feels like a new couple dealing with a horrible situation and he didn't want to drag me into it.

He said I'm his future and he will work to focus more on us while still being her caretaker. I know it can't be perfect, but I just love him so much. I'm going to stick by him and enjoy our house searching. It does help that his mother is a lovely person and I really do like her company. I'm scared and not happy about any of it, but am going to take it one day at a time and give him credit for his kind response to me.
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GET OUT NOW! I too went through a situation much like yours. Married the guy, what a mistake. Remember, you have a life to live. Find yourself again. Sounds like you are lost with all his needs to his mothers needs. It took me over 10 years to escape. It will consume your every emotion leaving you empty.
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This is a tough situation. I think, based on what I have read, that you must move on with your life given the circumstances. You are not going tobe #1 while is mother is alive and once she passes he will be in the grieving process, having to get rid of her items, lega matters and more. Its not that the guy is nice, its just that his mom is his priority now and understandably so. You need to be the priority but unfortunately when you are caring for a LO the LO is the priority esp in a dating engagement situation.
I care for my mother, although she is in a NH I see her all of the time (since I got laid of in June2011) and still have all the legal matters, medical matters and decisions to make. I am divorced and had one engagement after divorcing and a few wonderful significant relationships. I am a giving person but there is no way that I could put into a relationship what is needed to keep it thriving because my focus is my mother. That doesn't make me (or him) callus or mean it just means we are too involved in something very important that we lack the time, energy and devotion to sustaining a relationship.
I would let this go for now and move on as hard as that might be. Falling is love is beautiful but timing has also got to be right. The timing in your situation is not right, it just isn't.
I have also learned since being divorced and engaged that we can fall in love more than once;
You will be living your life on hold until his mother passes and by the time that happens the two of you may have changed quite alot and may no longer be suited for one another.

I urge you to move on with love and compassion. let him do what his heart calls him to do.

Bless you and good luck.
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Dear life good, can you really settle with being #2 for no telling how many years. As a mother, this would make me so sad for my daughter. These are only my feelings, and feel free to disagree. I feel strongly that two people who are in love deserve to be first in each others lives. That's not to say that you won't have time to be loving and supportive to others. Is it possible you will have children with this man you love? Is it possible those children will also come second to mothers needs. If you marry, can you for sure say eventually you will not become resentful and unhappy. Just by you posting this question tells me you are having doubts. So I'm going to urge you to have a heat to heart with your man and tell him no more beating around the bush. Ask him where he sees your relationship in six months or a year. To heck with him not being open about his feelings. These are things you have a right to know. And if you have to make that painful decision to move on, you will heal. Please know I wish you the very best, and you are definitely number 1 in my book, Lisa
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Try to get him to understand that if you get a home together and get married, Mom will live with you and still be cared for. This guy sounds like a keeper, just as my own husband is. I had cared the same way for my grandmother, grandfather, mom, and dad and after we married, we did the same for my husband's mother. My father in law is 85 and active though he has battled cancer.

Remember that your fiance's mother brought him in the world and cared for him until he grew up. He is acting like a real son and caring for family. This is not the kind of man who would run away if you ever got to be in the condition his mom is in.

Try to have a quiet dinner together and tell him that it will be beneficial to his mom and even his kids for the two of you to be married and have a home to welcome them to and that they will then have two people to rely on and he will have half the burden. What a fantastic loving man he is!
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