Feeling unappreciated by family. Does anyone have any suggestions or thoughts on what I should do?


Ive been caring for my 83yr grandmother for last 3yrs. I live with her she has dementia, has macular degeneration, and hard of hearing. She has 3 kids who live hrs away. My mother being one I have not been given any help or relief but all gripe about everything. I do it all, pay bills, clean, Dr appts. While they go on vacation and makes me mad. I'm 46 they said I can't have any company they don't pay worth a crap. I have 3 times now thought I was going to have to give her CPR and dealing with the thought I could lose her. Yet they feel like they are doing me a favor. I'd done left if you didn't love my mama's so much. But I am going nuts. Does anyone have any suggestions or thoughts on what I should do?



Oops, danged auto correct, that should read doormat not dormant.

Ivanya - cwillie makes a MOST important point: what are they going to do, fire you? No, they aren't. They don't want the job. They are obviously not willing to pay for professional care if they are cheaping out so much on their own family. They have no other options as long as they continue to have the mindset they do.

This equals power that YOU have in this situation. Power to enforce better boundaries, have people over, defy their "rules," tell family you're not listening to their griping anymore, stand up for yourself, perhaps even get a bit more financial support for what you're doing. You can do this! You have more control over them than you realize. (((((big hugs)))))

Providing care for a loved one can be a pretty thankless job, but, I'd keep in mind that you chose to do it. Your other family members may just not be aware of all that is involved. And if you have to spell it out to them.......all you can do is control how you respond.

What you are doing, sounds like it's actually the job of 3 people, if you are doing this alone. Maybe, they are just insensitive. Whatever, the cause, I'd survey the situation and see if this is something that is working for you. You may have to just focus on your peace of mind and satisfaction. Are you being fulfilled? Are you getting enough respite time? Are you being taken advantage of? I'd make a list of things that bother you, that need to be changed and try to make myself happy. You may never see appreciation from these family members. Some people just don't have it in them. I wouldn't waste my time waiting.

I might also get a backup plan, because what happens to grandmother if you get sick or injured and aren't able to provide her care?

This forum is full of posts about families who expect the caregiver to sacrifice themselves and live in a way that they themselves would never submit to. What you need to understand is that YOU have all the power in this relationship, without you they would have to either step up themselves or open their pocketbooks to hire appropriate outside caregivers. When they tell you not to have friends over just laugh and say "you're kidding, right?" and do it anyway, what are they going to do, fire you? It is up to you to set appropriate boundaries about what you are willing and able to do, and don't sell your own sacrifices and contributions short, what you are doing is HUGE, don't allow anyone to tell you otherwise. A quote that gets mentioned often on the forum is "you can't be a dormant unless you lie down", so stand up!!