Feeling overwhelmed and unappreciated...

Thank you for getting back with us! Whatever your decision about his care, this is temporary, and I think Gershun's comment about living in increments is very wise.

Tollermama, I don't want to be trite and tell you it will get better, but it probably will.
I think when you are in a situation such as what you described you have to live your life in increments. Try not to look ahead too far thinking this will never end. It will.

Keep in touch with us but if you start feeling suicidal and your thoughts start to race out of control, do call a suicide line. There is no shame in that. Please take care!

He owns his home but has a land rent. It’s basically a mobile home, worth a third of what he paid for it. Financially it works right now. It kills me to think about putting him in AL. He has macular degeneration, cant see, can’t hear... He is comfortable in his home, I fuss over him...

Tollermama, I would ask the sibs if they every tried to purchase a car by saying they got free room and board.... think that would fly?

I was wondering since your Dad lives in a 55+ community, will he be able to continue to pay his "HOA Fee" which comes around every month? Or is that eating into his Social Security and Pension [if he has one]? Does he own or rent? If he owns, see if you can find how much equity he has on his home. If it is quite a bit, he might be able to budget to live in Assisted Living.

I did the same thing you are doing, I kept working. It was my own sanity, and to be able to be around other people. The job offered free health insurance which I used until I was old enough to go onto Medicare. There are also other perks that were great.

I’m ok. Just hit a very low point, thank you so much for your concern and support ❤️.
The only break I get is going to work, 5 hrs 4x a week. The minute I get home he is needy. Today he fell while I was away, hurt his shoulder.
My sibs think my room and board are payment enough for my caregiving and are tired of my being “ dramatic”. I really don’t know where to turn for help. He has a little money but would blow through that quickly with AL.

Hi Tollermama1,
Caregiving is a long difficult road, and we're happy you have found the support of others here on this site.
However, there are limits to what untrained members on our site can provide for you.
Please reach out to experts for additional support and the help you need 24 hours a day at the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline:
Call 1-800-273-8255

Tollermama1, it sounds like Dad needs a much higher level of care than what us mere mortals can handle. I see from a previous post that your Dad lives in a 55+ community. How do you feel about Dad moving to Assisted Living, if he can budget the cost?  Does the community offer such a facility?

It would give him the feeling of more freedom to choose what he wants to do during the day without worrying you. When my Dad moved to his senior facility, he was happy as a clam being there. My Dad also had mobility issues and was a fall risk. The facility offered physical therapy which Dad signed up for and enjoyed. And how he loved the meals, eating in the common dining room being seated with people from his old home State.

That way you can become Dad's "daughter" again instead of Dad's "caregiver". He probably realizes that you are exhausted but he doesn't know what to do. Heck, my Dad never even knew that Independent Living and Assisted Living even existed.

Oh, by the way never call the place a "nursing home". That would bring fear to an elder of your Dad's age. Because back when he was a wee lad, the only nursing homes were county hospitals, nothing like the hotel looking places of today :)

We are here for you. Ask us any questions, or if you wish to vent, we are here to listen. Use this post thread so we can keep track. I know how you feel, I had a couple times that were a real challenge for me. There is light at the end of the tunnel.

Tollermama, sounds like you are totally burned out and with no support.. hard to believe your sister could be so uncaring.... but I do believe it because my siblings are similarly uncaring and unappreciative.

Please post more about your situation. Do you get any breaks from caring for your Dad? Can you hire some caregivers to give you a break? You mentioned an inheritance so there must be some money somewhere.

You are in a very difficult situation....I have had similar feelings as you. Do you have anyone to talk to.. a therapist or support group?

We care about you..

((hugs))

Tollermama, how are you doing right now?

Tollermama1, please know that you're cared about here, amongst friends. Your situation is very common, but it doesn't last forever. And perhaps you can share enough here to get some advice on how to get some help. Do you have anyone there you can call to talk to?

I may be suicidal, don’t think anyone cares about me other than what the inheritance will be.