Oh, my god! I just lost it and my anger spewed out of me like an ugly vomitus. I am so so ashamed and I just can't make him understand how how sorry I am. I wanted to slap him and I said such awful and unkind things. The day started out so well. I was rested, had some extra energy to motivate me to pack and organize a few things for our move, and then about 2 pm things started to go downhill. I could list the issues, but nothing justifies the things I said. I need to have better tools for dealing with my self-pity and me me me attitude. I tried walking away, distracting, offering food, but I failed dismally. I feel so selfish.
You don't need to make a big announcement to him, you just go visit the facilities with or without him, and if he asks why we are here? Well, we have to make plans for our future, no arguments even if he tries. When you make YOUR decision, and you take him to leave him, why am I here? Then you explain that he needs to stay here for therapy until he gets better.
Is he on meds? Does his doctor understand the depth of his agitation and abuse, and that he will HAVE to go to a facility?
Why didn't walking away help? Did he physically force you to stay in the room?
That would be a line in the sand for placement, for me.
You are not selfish, not self pitying and not me me me. Those are someone else's words.
Sometimes memory problems can work in favor of the caregiver. Will your husband have forgotten this episode by tomorrow? Can you go on as if it never happened?
I don't recall if the subject of counselling/therapy has come up with you before. If not, please considering seeing a professional. That would be one way to get some better tools to handle these situations.
I kept my old journal from when I was in my teen and early 20s, the things I wrote in there were even too embarrassing for me to read. Now that I have my curious kids, I decided to burn the journal. What a relief to get rid of scandalous evidence and guilty confessions.
Those thoughts and feelings are probably not even appropriate to share on this forum. So, I totally understand how you feel.
Find an outlet for your negative feelings so that they don't build up inside you and spew out at your husband. You must not hold them in or they will become poisonous to your health.
Most of all, you should NOT be ashamed of those feelings. You are NOT selfish. Everyone has limits. His disease has stolen your life and you're entitled to be angry.
Be easy on yourself. TAKE time for yourself. If his needs aren't being met while you tend to yourself, then so be it. Your well being is just as important.
Do you have help? Are you moving together or is one of you going into assisted living?