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After 6 long years of keeping my mother in her home in spite of 2 broken hips,one broken arm and a pacemaker,today my heart is heavy because she is in a ALF. I could no longer do it. I am alone with no help except the ladies that have come and gone like a revolving door,who i have paid to live and care for her.But she has a very abusive side and will scream insults,throw items,or even attack you when she is angry. I am emotionally drained by letting her place so much guilt on me. I cannot continue hiring women who have even called the police about her abuse. She lies and says its "them" they are all mean,lazy good for nothing women. Did I tell you she is
lucid, with no memory or dementia conditions?
She has always been a very strong willed,controlling woman,but as with all who are in her age group 88 years,it has become totally out of control. She will tell anyone off no matter where or who it is. She is on Xanax,and does have emotional problems for quite some time now. But she refuses to take her meds at times,of course she intimidates the woman caring for her and gets her way. Baths are a mission,again she will manipulate the women,so no bath. My husband and family say I have changed,to the point I needed to start antidepressants
I am the only living family she has,my father and brother passed away .As I write this I can imagine her first night away in a strange bed with strangers and not feeling safe. Gosh how I pray this could have been different. My faith sustains me and the love of Jesus has kept me from giving up completely. I love you Mom,but you are safe and cared for.

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I am new to this site and just happened upon this post. I know the original post is a few years old, but even those have helped me. My father has been living alone for the last 3 years, since my mother died. He had been doing well, but has slowly gotten weaker and having more trouble walking, falling several times over the summer. He then contracted C-diff and became very ill. So after a stay in the hospital he is now in skilled nursing for rehab, but it is quite obvious to everyone that he cannot stay alone anymore. Twice he fell, while I was with him and I had to call EMS to help get him up. I could not do it alone. Luckily he didn't break anything. I have already set him up in a ALF. He knows this, and can somewhat accept it, as he can see himself that he can't even get to the bathroom by himself. I am hoping after a couple more weeks of rehab he will be stronger and able to do more for himself. I hate the guilt and anxiety of all this. I do understand those are my emotions, and while not wrong, are also not healthy. Also, I am trying to make my dad be happy about this, and I can't. He is allowed to feel how he feels as well. But I get too wrapped up in emotions that I can't sort them out. The repsonses on this post have really helped me to see that it's OK to feel this way and it is also the right thing to do for our parents.
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I have just placed my mom in a nursing home and the guilt is overwhelming. I thank you for your comments and reminders that after caring for her at home for two years after a hip fracture and Parkinson's, as she belittled the caregivers and argued with my father constantly I had no other choice. Not to mention the need to think about her financial future and try to get her set up for Medicaid coverage in a nursing home...their funds are running low and home care will not be an option soon. I have to remember to think with my head and not just my heart for now. Each day is a journey. She is unhappy in the nursing home and begging me to take her home but I have to stay strong. Thanks to all for your comments.
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I had my mother who is 79, (Not suffering from dementia. ). living with me and my husband for almost 2 years. She alianated my younger sister and my daughter. So there is just me and my older sister. She for some reason hates my older sister, although has no problem having her drive her to appts. She always made comments when my husband talked. Likes to argue. He started staying in his room. Long story short, my sister and I found out about a VA benefit that could help pay for an assisted living place. She really has no money and she can barely walk due to needing hip replacement sx. We moved her about a month ago. I feel sick all the time like I'm a horrible person. She says she hates it there. 3 days ago she had to have sx due to a intentional blockage. In hospital now. Last time I spoke with her she was not nice. Then hung up on me. Haven't heard from her since. Don't know when she is being released. I hate feeling this way. I don't want her back in my home, she is in a nice place. Hope the va benefits go thru otherwise she has to get medical and move. I hate this.
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RMOORE12, I'd try to figure a way so that you can enjoy your daughter's wedding and surrounding events. Your parents are now in a place where they can be cared for. I'd try to figure out why you are still so overwhelmed with anxiety. Do you actually believe there is a chance that she will be able to leave the facility on her own? If so, I would discuss the precautions for security that the facility has in place. Perhaps, if measures were taken to ensure that she is not able to leave, you might feel more comfortable.

Also, your post is on the tail end of an old thread and it might be overlooked as a result. To get more responses, you might start your own thread with your issue.
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Sounds a lot like my mom, she is in assisted living as she fell 2 months ago. She is better now and walks with a walker when we can get her to use it. All she talks about now and demands is that she is going home. My dad is in the same facility and he has stage 6 alzheimers. She said she is leaving and taking him with her. He can not even stand or transfer. It is a huge mess. My daughter gets married in 3 weeks and I hate to be going through this amount of stress at a time that is supposed to be so happy. My mom is just pulling the life out of me. If not for my faith in Jesus Christ and others I could not do this.
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I cried for days after placing my mom in a memory care unit to which she has not adjusted to at all after 4 mos and is hostile to me now for not taking her home - guilt is awful and while my worries are slightly different than when she was at home alone they continue just the same -

Love endures all things
Hugs to you :)
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So, after my mom had several episodes of sudden high bp that could not be explained, three ER visits and hospitalizations and finally some antianxiety meds, my mom, at home, with 24/7 aides was calling us daily with "emergencies".

On the third day, I drove to her home, 1 hour away from my job and sat her down. I said "Mom, I can't do this any more" She argued with me. I said "mom (favorite son) is going to keel over from a heart attack coming to fix your emergencies".

We started looking at Assisted and Independent Living Facilities the next day.

No guilt. Get your parent what they NEED. Not what they want. that's why they made us POA
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I thought this link to an article on this site might be helpful. It's about why people with dementia CANNOT comprehend what is wrong with them and how they are disabled. I thought it was helpful.
https://www.agingcare.com/articles/people-with-alzheimers-may-not-recognize-impairment-161439.htm

Also, since your posts are at the end of a very old thread, you might not get many responses. If you want, you might start your own new thread. It would get more attention that way. Just a suggestion.
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I recently placed my handicapped brother in a nursing rehab. I have never felt so depressed in my life. He is so helpless and he was not getting out of bed at home because the home health aids could not longer move him. I couldn't see him there or even knowing he was in a bed 24/7 was making me physically sick inside. Although I made this move and visit him daily, I am so very anxious now. He told me today he wishes he was somebody else 'a person who can sit up, a person who can walk' I feel so guilty all the time, Lorraine
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I am so glad I found this website. After driving 8 hours, or flying, every month for four years to go to my parent's home, I couldn't do it anymore. My marriage was rocky anyway, so I got divorced and moved my parents to live with me. Our plan was Dad and I were going to take care of my 83 Alzheimer's mother. She's had it since 2011. Upon them moving in with me, my dad got sick and spent nine weeks in the hospital. Then my mom had a TIA stroke and was released with hospice last December. Then in January, my dad got sick again and spent ten weeks in the hospital. He's not been home a month yet, but my mother declined immensely while he was in the hospital this year. So my dad decided to put her in Assisted Living. I researched the facilities and found a brand-new one 2 miles away from where we live! It is absolutely beautiful. We tricked mom into getting there. My dad took her out of town overnight so that I could get everything moved in and set up before her arrival this past Monday. To say she was quite upset is an understatement. If she said "I'm not staying" once, she said it 200 times!!! I had her hospice nurse there, her caregiver and my mother. I must say, it was the hardest thing i ever did. Then on Tuesday, I went to see her, and was she ever mad. The director that she has not been that way since I left her there on Monday. So she suggested that dad and I not go see her til Friday. Fortunately, the maintenance man, who loves our Lord as much as I do, is sending me daily texts and letting me know that she is smiling! My dad is fine with the decision. I just feel so quilty and cried profusely over it, second guessing it. I miss my mom. I'm her only daughter. I have four brothers, all out of state, and they are absolutely no assistance. I have made for 4 major professional errors in my career, and I am so mentally, emotionally and physically exhausted from the caregiving. They moved in with me Oct. 2014. This web site has helped me realize I'm not the only suffering from the guilt and grief of her not here. I miss her so, crazy as that may seem! God bless you all!
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I am so glad I came across this post. My sister and I have just put our Mom in a nursing home after 2 years of continuous care which included 1 year of c-diff, 2 strokes, a broken neck, broken pelvis, and 2 bouts of lock jaw. I have been searching for a Godly response to ease my guilt and you have all reassured me. Interesting how posts from 4 years prior can still be comforting several years later. My sister and I had become my Moms everything, we watched over her so close so that she would not fall that she forgot how to make any decisions for herself. She relied on us for everything, and we had to convince her to eat, bath, take her meds, exercise. She has dementia so she was confused, paranoid, and at times quite mean. After a week at the nursing home, she is again an individual. She is making friends, getting exercise, participating in activities, choosing for her self again. So now we get to be her daughters once again (even though she calls me Mother) . She isn't the Mom that raised us, but she is much more pleasant and active, so I just had to let go and let God take care of her, and he is doing a terrific job of course!! Thank you all for helping me to see this and for letting me let myself get back to my life and letting my mom live hers!
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BeBa, In rereading my post "Which I believe is a very selfless act, so selfish infact" I said selfish I ment selfless( oops!! )Thanks for the hug and I know it's difficult for you at this time but you will both live better now. Take time for yourself without the guilt or worry she is in good hands more hands make less work like any regular job the people at the facility get to go home and don't get the same type of burn out as you have suffered. Apparently you must be strong willed like your Mom too. Be Well and you don't need med to think Happy!!!
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I can never seem to make my comments short and sweet but the details seem too important to yada yada thru. I have a story that may help some of you deal with the guilt of childcare giver into LTC transition easier. My Mom was always stubborn, head strong, independent, loving, people person, and absolutely never needy! Well luckily for her I inherited all those things from her, so I could care for her. I do believe that I grew stronger and understand her and myself better thru it all. I believe in the process of caregiving we feel we trade all of what we need and want in life for thier lives. Which I believe is a very selfless act, so selfish infact that others can't comprehend or feel a need to put down our caregiving methods or decisions and we take on those negative attitudes and this becomes guilt. Noone should feel guilty for trying thier best especially when it requires giving up most of yourself. The last thing I wanted to do was give up on Mom and place her in a NH. She wasn't safe even though I had all bases covered or I thought, I wasn't safe either, mentally or financially or emotionally. So It was basically my only choice. Her first day there, a lady(directly across the hall from Moms new home) repeatedly called out my Moms name. This woman was calling for her sister who wasn't there who had same name as my Mom. I talked to a nurse she said this is going to be a problem, the lady does this all day long!!! Oh this made it even harder for me to just leave Mom there. Although knowing my Mom, I thought if she has a problem she'll make it known. Well after 9 months I get a call and the social worker tells me they are moving her to another room because of this problem. (well it took long enough, Mom was telling her 2" from her face SHUTUP!!!) So I go to see Mom and someone screwed up... Mom's new roomie was that woman!? The irony is the woman apparently is now satisfied because my Mom answers her (she must think my mom is her sister) and my mother feels needed and assist the woman. So I think God took care of that situation. As far as the NH it is really the best thing for Mom. She is generally happy and safe and someone else is doing all the hard part and I can enjoy Mom in a whole new way. I still worry of course but not stressed about her care. I visit often and pay close attention to how she is being cared for. Overall she is content and they keep her busy. The moral of the story is if you have faith in yourself and kindness in your heart than everything else has a way of working out! I also found out those who choose to ignore and make excuses to create a unreal bliss today, struggle with themselves in the longrun and can never find peace.
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I appreciate your transparency. Your post could easily have been my post a few months ago (however, my mother never threw anything). I think you made a wise decision to have your mother at an ALH. Her safety and welfare should be of utmost concern. She will have good days and bad days as will you, but you have done what is right, and will probably feel more comfortable in knowing you have 24/7 staff--and people you will see when you come to visit your mother. We had the revolving door of care givers while my mother was at home...you never quite knew who you were going to get. At the ALF you don't always either, but there are enough workers around that they can hold each other accountable, and make reports if a person is not doing their job.

Please keep us updated on your mom at the ALH. My mother Lois has been at hers for 5 months, and is just beginning to make the transition and is beginning to see that her family still loves her and wants the best for her. We want her to socialize, get involved in some of the activities, go on outings, etc. I encourage her to do atleast 5 new things during the week, then ask her what things she can remember she did. (i.e. greet a new person, play a game of Bingo, send a letter of encouragment (Mom cannot write, but I gave her stationary, addressed envelopes to 10 or so people, and she can either stamp a saying or use a saying sticker and it keeps her productive during the week). Let us know how it goes with your mom please!
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I'm sorry you have had to go through this. I'm an only child caring for my widowed mother who is 82 and has Alzheimer's. She is so nasty to me because she has no one else to blame all of this on.

I tell you that only to show you that I do understan how you feel. The others are right..you have done everything you could for her. Your husband and family need you too. And, hopefully, you will find in the not too distant future that your mother truly is happier there. She may make friends and find a new lease on life. It happens.

In my case, I really believe my mother would be better off in an ALF for the socialization and nutrition. But, right now, I can't bring myself to do it because I want to know that I've done EVERYTHING I could to keep her at home for as long as I possibly can. Like you did.

You've set a very good example for me!

Speaking of support...I would strongly suggest you look for a support group for caregivers. I joined one a few months ago and it has saved my sanity. Like what you've found here, you're not alone. Your feelings are normal. Your experiences are not unlike those of many others. There is much comfort in that!
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I have read all of your feedback and AM SO HAPPY!!!!!!! I am about to cry. You are my support system,I dont have one!!!! Thank you so very much for the wise,kind,understanding,loving,caring words that have given me RELIEF to know I made the correct choice. You are all a God Send. I would have never guessed in my wildest thoughts that I could feel so wonderful by reading all your posts . God is truly amazing when he sent me to this site ,I was praying for a way to validate what I had done...and he showed me :all of you.
Bless you all.
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Linda22,
Very true and sadly true for those who see it after the fact. Nowhere in the wedding vows does either person say when their parents get old they will forsake their spouse and cleave to their mom or dad, but I read it here taking place all too often.
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Throw off the guilt - this truly is best for all of you. In trying to give our parents the life they want, we often end up sacrificing ourselves, our own families and often our health. This is unreasonable. You've tried every alternative to keep her at home and that hasn't worked.
My mom had her life the way she wanted except for a few years in her 70's. She manuevered herself into living with my sister part time, me part time. My sis kept trying to get more time with her husband but dealt with Mom's resentment and jealousy. Well, Mom's still hale and healthy, and my sister just lost her husband. I know that in her raw grief, she regrets time she kept wanting to spend joyfully with her husband but didn't because Mom was so emotionally demanding of her. Yes, you are her only family, but you are the only wife and mother your clan has, and they are your first obligation. You have a husband, maybe kids and grandkids who want YOU, joyfully and with them. Throw off the guilt, hug your dear husband and savor the time God has blessed you with.
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You did the right thing - for her and yourself. Don't look back. Keep moving forward one day at a time. She'll adjust and might just like it. They don't realize how isolated and lonely they are confined to their own home and dependent on strangers for their care. We had to move my mother-in-law into assisted living when she was turning 90. The first evening we left her hysterically crying and begging for us to take her home. After 2 weeks we had to make an appointment to visit her because she didn't want us showing up and interrupting her activities (bingo - crafts - hairdresser - book club etc). She had 2 1/2 wonderful years in assisted living. And we had peace of mind.
You've given so much already - let your family help you return to your own life. They're letting you know they miss you.
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One of my hardest lessons about caring for my dad was that guilt is not love. Guilt is something we lay down at their feet to be used to manipulate, shame, and control. He was placed in an ALF because no one could do anything to suit him. I would go visit, sometimes take him to the Dr. take him to town to get some things he wanted. I would put on my "I can do this" face,, go do it, then scream and cry all the way home.My most painful lesson was that he was never going to be the loving father that I wanted and needed. I made up my mind to have no regrets. I did what I could do, when I could do it, and when he died I was able to look myself in the mirror and know I gave him what I had to give. Just remember guilt is not love... hope you take care of yourself with all this...hugs to you today
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You're taking on guilt for something you are not guilty of. You did not make your mom the way she is. You can't, as much as you want to, control her nor can you fix her. All you can do is make sure she is safe and cared for, but not through yourself under the bus for her. It sounds like you might find a trained therapist helpful in dealing with this guilt and feeling good about taking better care of yourself. You have your husband and your own family. They don't need to be thrown under the bus either. Please get some help with emotional boundaries and take care of yourself. Your life currently sounds like it is on a downward spiral that is almost bottomless if you keep going in that direction for you sound very lost in emotional and psychological F.O.G., i.e. fear, obligation and guilt which only lead to much darkness, pain and more suffering.
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I am so sorry, its very hard. Im looking into doing the same however my mother is much younger, 60 i too am the only family she will have soon as my father is very sick and may only last a few weeks. I hope everything works out and you have to do whats right for you at some point.
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Oh my dear Lord, beba53 I so how you feel, but when you've done all that you can even thru the abuse God is smiling on you. The bible says to honor our mother and father and you/we out here have and are doing that. Honoring them does not mean giving up your life, we have to know our limits and respect them. You mention that you are married, imagine how your husband feels seeing you so stressed out. It's ok to think of yourself, your husband and other family members who need you too.
I was telling a dear friend that I beleive it's the ties to the umbiblical cord that makes it hard to separate our emotions from our intelligence. Your mom may throw a hissy fit for a while in attempts to manipulate you, stay strong no matter what she says. My mother complains about EVERYTHING!!! They clean too much, they feed you too much, they are control monsters. No its she thats the control monster!! She wants what she wants when she wants it how shw wants it, like a spoiiled brat very unlike the way she allowed us to be. It's so hard talking to her, i just want to visit, take her shoping, let her have a day her way but its so full of non stop complaining I just want to avoid her. Then I feel the guilt coming on but I'm constantly praying to God to help me be free from guilt, I have litterally done all that I can do short of giving up my life. I have a sister who is totally absent, my husband has been wonderful but enough is enough especially when you know you've done all you can do here, You are a beleiver, let God do his work, as long as we continue to try to handle these tough situations we are not allowing the creator to finsh the story.
Amen to lilliput.
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Beba: we all have to remember that being a good child means doing what is best for our parents. Good for you for recognizing that you could no longer care for her safely at home. Your Mom also made it clear that this situation was not working by continually repelling anyone who came in her midst. DO NOT beat yourself up over it.
I, too, am trying to help my Mom stay in her home. It is getting so difficult lately because she seems to undo everything I work so hard to set in place. We live in a small town and caregivers and services are so hard to come by. Of course, because Mom does none of the "footwork" she does not realize how much of my time it takes.
I just looked into an ALF too. It was clean, safe, and would provide my Mom services and socialization that she now lacks. Please consider that you provided these things for your Mom.
I do not know which is more stressful: taking care of your parents directly, or worrying about them when a facility placement is necessary.
Remember, you dedicated 6 years of your life to the care of your Mom - and you will continue to care for her. But now both you and your Mom will have a new life.
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