I'm feeling guilty and very sad that I had to put my mother in an assisted living facility today.

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After 6 long years of keeping my mother in her home in spite of 2 broken hips,one broken arm and a pacemaker,today my heart is heavy because she is in a ALF. I could no longer do it. I am alone with no help except the ladies that have come and gone like a revolving door,who i have paid to live and care for her.But she has a very abusive side and will scream insults,throw items,or even attack you when she is angry. I am emotionally drained by letting her place so much guilt on me. I cannot continue hiring women who have even called the police about her abuse. She lies and says its "them" they are all mean,lazy good for nothing women. Did I tell you she is
lucid, with no memory or dementia conditions?
She has always been a very strong willed,controlling woman,but as with all who are in her age group 88 years,it has become totally out of control. She will tell anyone off no matter where or who it is. She is on Xanax,and does have emotional problems for quite some time now. But she refuses to take her meds at times,of course she intimidates the woman caring for her and gets her way. Baths are a mission,again she will manipulate the women,so no bath. My husband and family say I have changed,to the point I needed to start antidepressants
I am the only living family she has,my father and brother passed away .As I write this I can imagine her first night away in a strange bed with strangers and not feeling safe. Gosh how I pray this could have been different. My faith sustains me and the love of Jesus has kept me from giving up completely. I love you Mom,but you are safe and cared for.

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I am new to this site and just happened upon this post. I know the original post is a few years old, but even those have helped me. My father has been living alone for the last 3 years, since my mother died. He had been doing well, but has slowly gotten weaker and having more trouble walking, falling several times over the summer. He then contracted C-diff and became very ill. So after a stay in the hospital he is now in skilled nursing for rehab, but it is quite obvious to everyone that he cannot stay alone anymore. Twice he fell, while I was with him and I had to call EMS to help get him up. I could not do it alone. Luckily he didn't break anything. I have already set him up in a ALF. He knows this, and can somewhat accept it, as he can see himself that he can't even get to the bathroom by himself. I am hoping after a couple more weeks of rehab he will be stronger and able to do more for himself. I hate the guilt and anxiety of all this. I do understand those are my emotions, and while not wrong, are also not healthy. Also, I am trying to make my dad be happy about this, and I can't. He is allowed to feel how he feels as well. But I get too wrapped up in emotions that I can't sort them out. The repsonses on this post have really helped me to see that it's OK to feel this way and it is also the right thing to do for our parents.
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I have just placed my mom in a nursing home and the guilt is overwhelming. I thank you for your comments and reminders that after caring for her at home for two years after a hip fracture and Parkinson's, as she belittled the caregivers and argued with my father constantly I had no other choice. Not to mention the need to think about her financial future and try to get her set up for Medicaid coverage in a nursing home...their funds are running low and home care will not be an option soon. I have to remember to think with my head and not just my heart for now. Each day is a journey. She is unhappy in the nursing home and begging me to take her home but I have to stay strong. Thanks to all for your comments.
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I had my mother who is 79, (Not suffering from dementia. ). living with me and my husband for almost 2 years. She alianated my younger sister and my daughter. So there is just me and my older sister. She for some reason hates my older sister, although has no problem having her drive her to appts. She always made comments when my husband talked. Likes to argue. He started staying in his room. Long story short, my sister and I found out about a VA benefit that could help pay for an assisted living place. She really has no money and she can barely walk due to needing hip replacement sx. We moved her about a month ago. I feel sick all the time like I'm a horrible person. She says she hates it there. 3 days ago she had to have sx due to a intentional blockage. In hospital now. Last time I spoke with her she was not nice. Then hung up on me. Haven't heard from her since. Don't know when she is being released. I hate feeling this way. I don't want her back in my home, she is in a nice place. Hope the va benefits go thru otherwise she has to get medical and move. I hate this.
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RMOORE12, I'd try to figure a way so that you can enjoy your daughter's wedding and surrounding events. Your parents are now in a place where they can be cared for. I'd try to figure out why you are still so overwhelmed with anxiety. Do you actually believe there is a chance that she will be able to leave the facility on her own? If so, I would discuss the precautions for security that the facility has in place. Perhaps, if measures were taken to ensure that she is not able to leave, you might feel more comfortable.

Also, your post is on the tail end of an old thread and it might be overlooked as a result. To get more responses, you might start your own thread with your issue.
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Sounds a lot like my mom, she is in assisted living as she fell 2 months ago. She is better now and walks with a walker when we can get her to use it. All she talks about now and demands is that she is going home. My dad is in the same facility and he has stage 6 alzheimers. She said she is leaving and taking him with her. He can not even stand or transfer. It is a huge mess. My daughter gets married in 3 weeks and I hate to be going through this amount of stress at a time that is supposed to be so happy. My mom is just pulling the life out of me. If not for my faith in Jesus Christ and others I could not do this.
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I cried for days after placing my mom in a memory care unit to which she has not adjusted to at all after 4 mos and is hostile to me now for not taking her home - guilt is awful and while my worries are slightly different than when she was at home alone they continue just the same -

Love endures all things
Hugs to you :)
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So, after my mom had several episodes of sudden high bp that could not be explained, three ER visits and hospitalizations and finally some antianxiety meds, my mom, at home, with 24/7 aides was calling us daily with "emergencies".

On the third day, I drove to her home, 1 hour away from my job and sat her down. I said "Mom, I can't do this any more" She argued with me. I said "mom (favorite son) is going to keel over from a heart attack coming to fix your emergencies".

We started looking at Assisted and Independent Living Facilities the next day.

No guilt. Get your parent what they NEED. Not what they want. that's why they made us POA
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I thought this link to an article on this site might be helpful. It's about why people with dementia CANNOT comprehend what is wrong with them and how they are disabled. I thought it was helpful.
https://www.agingcare.com/articles/people-with-alzheimers-may-not-recognize-impairment-161439.htm

Also, since your posts are at the end of a very old thread, you might not get many responses. If you want, you might start your own new thread. It would get more attention that way. Just a suggestion.
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I recently placed my handicapped brother in a nursing rehab. I have never felt so depressed in my life. He is so helpless and he was not getting out of bed at home because the home health aids could not longer move him. I couldn't see him there or even knowing he was in a bed 24/7 was making me physically sick inside. Although I made this move and visit him daily, I am so very anxious now. He told me today he wishes he was somebody else 'a person who can sit up, a person who can walk' I feel so guilty all the time, Lorraine
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I am so glad I found this website. After driving 8 hours, or flying, every month for four years to go to my parent's home, I couldn't do it anymore. My marriage was rocky anyway, so I got divorced and moved my parents to live with me. Our plan was Dad and I were going to take care of my 83 Alzheimer's mother. She's had it since 2011. Upon them moving in with me, my dad got sick and spent nine weeks in the hospital. Then my mom had a TIA stroke and was released with hospice last December. Then in January, my dad got sick again and spent ten weeks in the hospital. He's not been home a month yet, but my mother declined immensely while he was in the hospital this year. So my dad decided to put her in Assisted Living. I researched the facilities and found a brand-new one 2 miles away from where we live! It is absolutely beautiful. We tricked mom into getting there. My dad took her out of town overnight so that I could get everything moved in and set up before her arrival this past Monday. To say she was quite upset is an understatement. If she said "I'm not staying" once, she said it 200 times!!! I had her hospice nurse there, her caregiver and my mother. I must say, it was the hardest thing i ever did. Then on Tuesday, I went to see her, and was she ever mad. The director that she has not been that way since I left her there on Monday. So she suggested that dad and I not go see her til Friday. Fortunately, the maintenance man, who loves our Lord as much as I do, is sending me daily texts and letting me know that she is smiling! My dad is fine with the decision. I just feel so quilty and cried profusely over it, second guessing it. I miss my mom. I'm her only daughter. I have four brothers, all out of state, and they are absolutely no assistance. I have made for 4 major professional errors in my career, and I am so mentally, emotionally and physically exhausted from the caregiving. They moved in with me Oct. 2014. This web site has helped me realize I'm not the only suffering from the guilt and grief of her not here. I miss her so, crazy as that may seem! God bless you all!
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