Newbie here, feeling drawn and desperate! Long term dysfunctional family.

Follow
Share

Urg don't know where to start!!.. My husband thinks these sites are not the place for me as my story is unique, and also I can't say too much just in case this gets in the wrong hands, so I may not fully be able to say as much as I could. I am the youngest of 4 children, my 3 elder half brothers are from my mothers first marriage, age ranges are 10, 9, and 8 years older than myself... from early years things seemed "normal" well, ish, there were upsets, but I thought that was part of normal life but only as I got older I realised things were definately not normal.. I couldn't possibly even start to explain in this thread, but.. 2 out of the 3 brothers I adored... the next youngest to me had his own issues, to me the first to show any kind of issue, he used to act mean to me by being physical when my parents were out, apart from verbal nastyness, he would twist my arm up my back and give me chinese burns out of jealousy.... anyhow... this brother is now in mental health care, but the other 2 brothers seemed to be nice but as time went on.. they showed me hatred... my parents were v controlling to me in so many ways, too long to go into, maybe I need to really one day soon write all this down... I have no realtionship with my brothers or offspring.... I was devasted when my father died... my mother was very controlling, you wouldn't think she would be if you saw my dad and mum togther, as my dad came across as a very strong man... but he defended me so many times when she had something negative to say towards me.... he did lash out at me from occasion, but I now know he was massivly stressed, and I know this caused his final deciline... my half brothers have shown all kinds of things towards my dad, moreso since he died, allegedly saying all kinds of very unbealiveable things... to which my mother has no idea.. I keep these things from her and also the hate they feel towards her as I don't want to upset her... my mum and dad moved an hour away from home 18 months before dad died... she doesn't drive at all, and I've been left with all responsability... when dad died, they never helped at all...my husband and I paid for everything... even the headstone, which I'm proud to have done... but all since dad's death her controlling ways which had already been in place, has just got worse...... I can't even have a conversation with her when I can see she is blatenly being taken advantage for... she has been conned out of money a few times now, and the latest was a private leaflet that came via the post to get her to pay £150 for a scan for all kinds of things.. I tried to be rational with her, but she always gets aggressive with me saying why do you always have to make things difficult.... my husband looked it up and it's a US/AUS con scam trying to make the elderly part with money... but she never takes my word for it... this ended up i tears, as many convos have done.. this is a regular thing.. I'm a very positive person and it's taken me a long time to try and come to terms with how my life has panned out so far, I have been with my husband a long time now, 25 years + and actually got married last year.. I am so stuck and so lost, and I know things will get worse..... it's had a huge affect on my life....

This discussion has been closed for comment. Start a New Discussion.
Find Care & Housing
2

Comments

Show:
lonecarer~I have experienced similar situations with my mother not believing me or my sister regarding mail scams. We were able to get through because of 2 ladies that were in my mother's age range and she trusted them due to their age (her thinking is that we are still children). Eventually with these ladies encouraging my mom to trust us, that we know about these issues,etc. our my started to let us go through her mail (she has Alzheimer's and borderline personality disorder). My mother also destroyed my father because borderline personality disorder is impossible to deal with..controlling, distorting the truth so she is always a victim, cannot please her no matter what you do for her.

My point is that your situation is very stressful for you and while it is unique, many here will understand because they have been through or are going through something similar. I take it that you are either in Canada or the UK? Your medical system is somewhat different, but...there should be something there where you can get a third party to help your mother while you are kept informed. I hope you have DPOA or POA. There is a thread on this site titled Caregivers and Dysfunctional Families, How are you doing? It is under recent discussions if you click on the caregiver forum button at the top. Many people care for a difficult parent from a distance so they themselves are involved in the day to day caregiving but are involved when decisions have to made. I hope you get more responses that can help you. Hugs to you!!
(0)
Report

Everyone's story is unique, and yet is not. You might consider counseling for the grief of losing your father and for the issues from the past and present that are affecting your life. Your husband should encourage and support you in this effort, as it would certainly be beneficial for you both. As for.mom, do you want to take care of her? If you do, but can't handle the contact with her, arrange for some third party care-giver to look in on her and help her with her needs. There is probably some type of public or private agency that can assess her needs, or perhaps her doctor can prescribe for the help she needs. Providing care for someone doesn't have to be or can't always be in person. Find another way to do it, or give it up. Either way should be better than the way it is now. You are not alone in your struggles with abusive or mentally ill members of a family. Find a way to move on.
(0)
Report

Related
Questions