Feeling bad, helpless and tearful.

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My dad walked into the AL facility almost normal, other than his early stage of dementia, 18 months ago. Today, he can hardly sit up straight, doubles over in his 'school' desk-chair with his head on the 'desk' and refuses to sit up, insisting he is alright and shouts when you ask him to sit up straight. He is in motion all the time in an up and down movement and refuses any assistance. We ask if he has pain and he says he is fine. He calls after his mom, who passed on 50 years ago and my late brother 7 years ago. He says he wants to go home. We are not sure where that is, as he moved out of his own home 8 years prior to the nursing facility. He lived with my sister during those years, but hates visiting her and wants to leave after half an hour. He also tells us to go after 5 minutes when we visit him.
It is so very hard seeing him like this after only 18 months. He has digressed to the extent of someone we hardly know and I have started to blame the facility for asking us to get a certain medication he was on and we have stopped, knowing that it has these side-effects on the muscles and bones. His feet has turned dark blue and his doctor says , its poor circulation, which I agree with as he doesn't walk enough. He is a diabetic and he meals are simple, but it upsets us horribly when in so short a time he could go from our hero to zero. His quick deterioration is hard to cope with. He is 87 years old.
We, my sister and I end up in tears in the car and feel helpless and bad.




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Thank you all for the support. It is comforting.
Pamstegma, It is something we dread and would welcome as relief for him.
I think he means 'home in the clouds' and it may be coupled with the home he spent 60+ years in. Pictures of that house might be a good idea.
He hardly eats and refuses help. He is not in hospice. He is in frail care now at the Nursing Home. We don't know if there is something more we could do and would do it if we knew what it is. We regret not having him with one of us, but my sister works full time and I do part-time.
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I so understand your sadness over the loss of your Dad. As his personhood disappears leaving a distorted shell. Teepa Snow, an OT that supports this site, has some useful ideas on how to approach people with dementia. Is your Dad in hospice? Sounds like he needs to be, and the hospice staff can be good listeners for you, too. Are the doctors sure he's not having some kind of physical pain as well? Since he probably can't tell you anymore, you and the staff need to be on the lookout for pain behaviors. Home for my Mom is the farm she lived at as a child. So we look a pictures of or paste stickers of barns and farm animals.
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Oh so sorry everything about this dreaded dementia sux...
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I can't imagine how heartbreaking, sad and depressing this must be for you. If there were any words of comfort I could think of and offer to you, I would do so. Please know that you have my sympathy and compassion.
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I'm so sorry that you're experiencing this. The nature of dementia is that it progresses. This is no one's fault. In terms of medication, with an elder, my feeling is that in general, less is more. So don't beat yourself up for stopping a medication that had side effects.
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He's on very short time, I think you see that, and my heart goes out to you. When mom was in this state, she kept saying "I'm tired of waiting". She was waiting for Jesus to come and get here. When Dad says he wants to "go home" he may be meaning the big home in the clouds. Give him his meds and make him comfortable. Wish him safe passage. Plan a big celebration of his life. He'd want that part.
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