I have been caring for my 80-year old dad for two years now and he has lived with me for the past year. I was born the oldest of 5...I have two brothers and one sister still living. My mother is also still alive and ten years younger than my dad but having her own health issues and my parents have been estranged for years. ALL of my father's care has fallen on me, for some reason. He was living with my sister and her family for the first four months after we moved him back from Florida, when she decided she couldn't take it anymore. I take care of his finances, deal with his health aides and agencies, monitor his medications, change his sheets, wash his clothes, make him breakfast, lunch and dinner. I take him to church and for haircuts and anywhere else he needs to go. On top of all that, I am a single mom to twin 10-year olds and I work full-time. I have begged and pleaded and cried for help and, although I get sympathy, it never jolts anyone into action. I am also dealing with a court battle with my ex and my daughter is having surgery next week. I am so tired and depressed. My father was recently in the hospital and a facility for five weeks getting physical therapy...you would think that would give me a break? But no, he expected visits often from me and I was still doing all of his laundry and dealing with the social workers and nurses. He was dead set on coming home before he was ready. He has dementia (we had been calling it aphagia for awhile, but it is full blown dementia now.) He has trouble walking, even with a walker. He does nothing but sleep all day and on the weekends, expect me to wait on him. He is incontinent. Since he came home from the facility on Monday, it is worse than ever. He is having a lot of trouble changing himself. He is soaking everything and my house smells like pee all the time. I wash all his clothes in hot water, no matter what color they are, with extra detergent and scent boosters to get the stench out. It is still nice enough to keep the windows open, but I cannot imagine what my house will smell like once it gets too cold. I have had to shower him because I am still waiting for the aide service to get put in place since they evaluated him on Tuesday and the facility didn't bath him before he came home. Even when I leave the house, all I can smell is pee. It is disgusting, I am tired, and I am getting to my breaking point. He belongs in a long-term care facility, but no one has the guts to tell him that and I am afraid if I do, he will turn on me. I am the only friend he has left...everyone else has pretty much given up on him. He is not an easy man to deal with and feels he is somehow entitled to my services. He actually had the nerve to say to me (when we were discussing my court battle with my ex and I threatened to quit my job) that I could quit my job and take care of him. WTF! Because I am not doing that already? Seriously, at my breaking point. Venting is over.
I know how you feel about the odor. My mother has many accidents. I am able to keep most of the house fresh, but when I go in her bedroom, the smell hits me first thing. In her case I think it is because she throws her wet clothes on the rug and flooring and with time it has soaked in. I don't know if I'll ever be able to get the smell out. Vinegar neutralizes the odor and helps remove the urine. I use it in the wash when needed and on the floor.
I know it is having an effect on my children. Monday night, when I brought him back from the facility, within 5 minutes, he yelled at my daughter, who is special needs...she was trying to squeeze past him in the hallway. I yelled back at him not to yell at my children, but my son, who is very protective of his sister, got incredibly frustrated bc he knew he could't yell at his grandfather.
As far as the pee, he wears diapers and has always been able to change himself, but now he is having issues with that and for some reason, the pee smell is more potent than it used to be. He used to throw his clothes on the floor till I got him a laundry basket...he is pretty good about putting his clothes in there, but it still smells and I do laundry often.
I just don't understand wear my family is? When he moved in with my sister, we had a family meeting to let her know she would't be alone. I was already doing all of his finances at that point and would go to my sister's every weekend to go over his bills and take him out to lunch and/or church. (She lives about 40 minutes from me.) Weirdly enough, my brother stopped by about 2 hours ago for a surprise visit with his two kids...only the second time in a year...I guess he probably figures he is good for another year now.
It might be time to ask sis & bro to sit down and work out a plan to get him into a VA residence. You have enough on your plate already. Your siblings are likely fat dumb and happy and think you have everything worked out. You are one person and Nobody Can Do This Alone!!
If goes back in to the hospital for any reason, make it crystal clear to them that you can no longer take care of him. Get siblings to back you up on this
Otherwise, ask for each of the siblings to chip in so that you Dad can go to a nice assistant living facility because you are at a breaking point. And be strong about what you say. Dementia isn't going to get better, only worse. You don't want to have your children not liking their grandfather.
Until then, sometimes the strong pee smell is due to dehydration.... I know more water means more pee :P
To help with the smell throughout the house, look for scented diffusers [a bottle with scented liquid where you place several reeds into the bottle] check them out on Google.
Your kiddos are your first responsibility and you need to take care of yourself. You are trying to do the impossible.
For now call your local aging services group and ask for an evaluation as to what services your Dad qualifies for...to take some of the burden from you.
So why will you be the bad guy if your dad goes into a facility? Your dad will "turn" on you? Wouldn't that be better than being his laundress/accountant/maid/cook/chauffeur/nurse/pharmacist/secretary?
He needs more people caring for him. Like 3 around-the-clock shifts of nurses and aides. As you already know, when he's in a facility you will still be caring for him, it'll just be different. When my dad went into a nursing home it was like having a full-time job (I switched one full-time job of caring for my dad to another full-time job of managing and advocating while he was in the nursing home).
I agree with littletonway. Wait until your dad has to go to the ER, and he will, and get a social worker involved. Don't continue to sacrifice yourself and your kids for your dad. Some day soon he won't be around anymore and if you keep on going like this the damage he will have caused (emotional, physical, urine) will carry on long after he's gone. He's your father not your husband. You're not bound to him by law.
Your dad has ripped through your sister's life and now he's ripping through yours. Is there another sibling who hasn't pitched it yet?
And - when you get him placed, do not go there every day. Do no answer your phone over once a day from him and let the nurses do their job.
Develop the guts. The welfare of your children depends on it.
You know his finances. Will he be able to be self-pay, or will he need Medicaid assistance? Start working toward whatever needs to be done.
Call a family meeting and discuss what comes next.
This is very hard. I am so sorry. But someone has to do what needs to be done. Looks to me like that someone is you. Everyone will be better off when he is settled into a care center where there are three shifts of caregivers.