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We all need to look for the silver lining & sometimes you need a [maybe really, really strong] strong microscope - I once saw a retired former boss in airport coming from his mother's funeral so I said 'how lucky you are to have had her so long' & he said 'yes, I really am'
It can be hard to come to grips with the loss of a loved one [& when my time comes I'll cry a good bit] but trying to look at loving times, special moments and other 'good' times' will balance your loss - get out old pix & look for the happiest 10 of your loved one which will shift your focus from the frail, old person in a wheelchair who was so needy to the vibrant 40 year old skiing/on the beach/at a party/etc - it will not happen over night but repeatedly looking back on the 'good old times' will readjust your impression of them ... maybe you should do this for both of you - hope this helps you to readjust to the new normal without them & if you keep a positive pix of them in your mind it will help
sometimes it takes making a call for help. I trust each of us to make that call. Because you are worth it.
And life is worth the living.....
It's funny cause I can be strong for others but not for myself. There is this little, inner voice inside of me that trys to cut into my thoughts. It says "you are great, you did all you could, love yourself" But then this other, stronger voice says, you are nothing, you are selfish and self-centered. Why do I believe the negative voice and not the positive one?
Sorry, didn't mean to take over the thread. I guess I'm just trying to say that if you are feeling bad its natural. Taking on the care of a loved one is hard, hard, hard. You wouldn't be human if you didn't have these feelings. I find the only thing that seems to help me, is to just take each day at a time. If I start to look too far ahead, it just overwhelms me. No one knows how long we each have on this earth. If you find yourself thinking will this ever end, just remember that nothing is forever. When my Mom finally just gave up, it happened just like that. I thought we may of had at least another year with her. So when you find yourself thinking this will never end, remember that it could end. Just like that.
I too know what it is like to be alone on this path. My mom (89) is mentally strong however she has mobility issues. My dad (91) has the dementia. Between trying to take care of their needs and working an 8 hour job I go up and down. Things will go good at home and then I will have problems at work. Or it can be just the opposite, good at work and bad at home. Sometimes I go home at the end of the day and think I should just end it. But then I think who would take care of my parents and who would take care of my cats! Then like they say I pull myself up by my boot straps. Sometimes it takes 3 or 4 days and sometimes a week before I get back on an even keel.
This site has been a tremendous help for me! Being able to voice things and know I will not be put down for feeling the way I do.
Take care
You may likely be VERY surprised that after mom dies, and you have dealt with that initial grief--you find yourself surrounded by possibilities and opportunities you didn't or couldn't take advantage of--since caring for someone or having their health issues on your head in your heart for so long make you too introspective. This can cause serious depression.
I'm grateful for a faith that sustains me. I know my loved ones who have passed, I will see again. I know this life is but a brief, often difficult time. You have purpose--(and so do I!) we just haven't found it yet.
I would advise you to ignore negative social media and even the news. I read only uplifting things and watch only a few carefully chosen shows on TV or movies. Little things can spiral my depression so I am learning to deal with triggers and such. Do the same for yourself NOW and then when mom goes, you will be in a better place to nurture yourself.
Please get some help. I too often feel like I have outlived my need to be here (and I am only 60!) Through weekly talk therapy and self care I am doing a little better. I do take meds and they help to a degree, but I have issues of longstanding that need to be walked through, step by step, Somedays, I feel "fine". Most days I can barely function. But, for every "3 steps forward, four steps back" I have had one or two lovely moments in a day.
Being chronically depressed with no support system, other than my therapist and psychiatrist is not for the faint hearted. I am involved in caregiving for a mother who wishes I had never been born. That doesn't help, and trying to "talk out" old issues is totally pointless at her age. I HAVE to let things go.
PLEASE find someone you can trust to talk with.
You're braver and better than you think you are.
I'm so sorry. I know its overwhelming being the sole caregiver. You are an amazing daughter. And you've done so much. Please don't give up. Try to access any and all community resources for yourself and your mom. I would consider counseling or joining a grief support group. I know its only natural to get so desperate or angry about a situation and wish for it all to go away. We all have those moments. After three years with my dad, I started to ask myself, how much longer can I go on? I felt bad. And then he died on me. And instead of relief, I have terrible anger about how he died. Take care my friend. Thinking of you.
Depression can creep into the mix as we are thrown into a job that we have had zero training. Plus there is no mentor there to help guide you with this job. This work takes up your whole day, every day, even the weekends. Even if one's elder is living elsewhere, there is that constant fear that the telephone will ring with either the elder needing immediate help or the facility calling. We have driven our self off into a ditch and it is hard to get out.
My primary doctor started me on trial basis on calming meds and anti-depressants, the smallest dosage possible, and cutting that in half. I also found a talk-therapist who was my age and who herself dealt with the care and whoa of elderly caregiving. It was nice to hear someone say "I understand" and I knew they meant it. All of the above seems to be working :)