Years ago I made a conscious choice that I WOULD DO EVERYTHING TO MAKE MY LIFE AS HAPPY AS POSSIBLE - this means I have made lemonade out of lemons a lot of times - the best example I ever read about was that in London pre WWII all new mothers spent 2 weeks in hospital [in bed] after delivery but the German bombing meant that they needed to get up & out fast, so that was where the rooming in started .... that's the silver lining on that
We all need to look for the silver lining & sometimes you need a [maybe really, really strong] strong microscope - I once saw a retired former boss in airport coming from his mother's funeral so I said 'how lucky you are to have had her so long' & he said 'yes, I really am'
It can be hard to come to grips with the loss of a loved one [& when my time comes I'll cry a good bit] but trying to look at loving times, special moments and other 'good' times' will balance your loss - get out old pix & look for the happiest 10 of your loved one which will shift your focus from the frail, old person in a wheelchair who was so needy to the vibrant 40 year old skiing/on the beach/at a party/etc - it will not happen over night but repeatedly looking back on the 'good old times' will readjust your impression of them ... maybe you should do this for both of you - hope this helps you to readjust to the new normal without them & if you keep a positive pix of them in your mind it will help
I think it is helpful to be honest and say what many caretakers feel when burned out or lack resources and support. It is necessary to shed light on a very serious issue with elder care and one that needs attention for both the parents and caretakers. There is NO SHAME in feeling scared, depressed, anxious. I am impressed by the courage of all of you in stating what it is you feel. Sometimes those feelings are overwhelming and burst into our consciousness and we feel so alone & isolated...no immediate answer when it hurts. That takes strength and conviction. Hang in there.
Going out now, into the night, to pick up hubby, not ideal but we will eat together and fall asleep from exhaustion. I don't do too well when left alone with myself.
Have experienced feeling so low at times past in my life that I would have had to get better just to have the energy to off myself. For many years now it has been my experience that life is worth the living. Often, those down moods are a warning sign to get up and out, as if your life depends upon it, sometimes it takes making a call for help. I trust each of us to make that call. Because you are worth it. And life is worth the living.....
I've really been struggling with depression lately. My Mom passed 11/2 years ago but it could have been just yesterday. Every night I go over the last week of her life in my mind. I sat by her bedside for almost that whole week, looking at her face. Now when I try to think of her, that is all I see. Her dying face. Not her laughing, smiling face when she was alive. I have a picture of her beside my bed and I can't even look at it.
It's funny cause I can be strong for others but not for myself. There is this little, inner voice inside of me that trys to cut into my thoughts. It says "you are great, you did all you could, love yourself" But then this other, stronger voice says, you are nothing, you are selfish and self-centered. Why do I believe the negative voice and not the positive one?
Sorry, didn't mean to take over the thread. I guess I'm just trying to say that if you are feeling bad its natural. Taking on the care of a loved one is hard, hard, hard. You wouldn't be human if you didn't have these feelings. I find the only thing that seems to help me, is to just take each day at a time. If I start to look too far ahead, it just overwhelms me. No one knows how long we each have on this earth. If you find yourself thinking will this ever end, just remember that nothing is forever. When my Mom finally just gave up, it happened just like that. I thought we may of had at least another year with her. So when you find yourself thinking this will never end, remember that it could end. Just like that.
Pattijean-- I too know what it is like to be alone on this path. My mom (89) is mentally strong however she has mobility issues. My dad (91) has the dementia. Between trying to take care of their needs and working an 8 hour job I go up and down. Things will go good at home and then I will have problems at work. Or it can be just the opposite, good at work and bad at home. Sometimes I go home at the end of the day and think I should just end it. But then I think who would take care of my parents and who would take care of my cats! Then like they say I pull myself up by my boot straps. Sometimes it takes 3 or 4 days and sometimes a week before I get back on an even keel.
This site has been a tremendous help for me! Being able to voice things and know I will not be put down for feeling the way I do.
Take one day at a time. A minute at a time. You are trying to "worry" about one corner of the picture instead of standing back a step or two and seeing the "whole picture". You may likely be VERY surprised that after mom dies, and you have dealt with that initial grief--you find yourself surrounded by possibilities and opportunities you didn't or couldn't take advantage of--since caring for someone or having their health issues on your head in your heart for so long make you too introspective. This can cause serious depression. I'm grateful for a faith that sustains me. I know my loved ones who have passed, I will see again. I know this life is but a brief, often difficult time. You have purpose--(and so do I!) we just haven't found it yet. I would advise you to ignore negative social media and even the news. I read only uplifting things and watch only a few carefully chosen shows on TV or movies. Little things can spiral my depression so I am learning to deal with triggers and such. Do the same for yourself NOW and then when mom goes, you will be in a better place to nurture yourself.
Pattijean-- Please get some help. I too often feel like I have outlived my need to be here (and I am only 60!) Through weekly talk therapy and self care I am doing a little better. I do take meds and they help to a degree, but I have issues of longstanding that need to be walked through, step by step, Somedays, I feel "fine". Most days I can barely function. But, for every "3 steps forward, four steps back" I have had one or two lovely moments in a day. Being chronically depressed with no support system, other than my therapist and psychiatrist is not for the faint hearted. I am involved in caregiving for a mother who wishes I had never been born. That doesn't help, and trying to "talk out" old issues is totally pointless at her age. I HAVE to let things go. PLEASE find someone you can trust to talk with. You're braver and better than you think you are.
I'm so sorry. I know its overwhelming being the sole caregiver. You are an amazing daughter. And you've done so much. Please don't give up. Try to access any and all community resources for yourself and your mom. I would consider counseling or joining a grief support group. I know its only natural to get so desperate or angry about a situation and wish for it all to go away. We all have those moments. After three years with my dad, I started to ask myself, how much longer can I go on? I felt bad. And then he died on me. And instead of relief, I have terrible anger about how he died. Take care my friend. Thinking of you.
I have always struggled with depression after a very bad work experience. I have been on meds for over 20 years but lately am finding that I no longer can cope. I love my mom but I know she should pass because of so many issues at 102 years old. Personally I just want to find peace as well .
Pattijean, I see from your profile that your Mom is in a nursing home, but I am curious how long before that were you her caregiver? Did she live with you or you with her. Did you have to resign from employment to take care of her? What are your Mom's physical and/or memory issues?
Depression can creep into the mix as we are thrown into a job that we have had zero training. Plus there is no mentor there to help guide you with this job. This work takes up your whole day, every day, even the weekends. Even if one's elder is living elsewhere, there is that constant fear that the telephone will ring with either the elder needing immediate help or the facility calling. We have driven our self off into a ditch and it is hard to get out.
My primary doctor started me on trial basis on calming meds and anti-depressants, the smallest dosage possible, and cutting that in half. I also found a talk-therapist who was my age and who herself dealt with the care and whoa of elderly caregiving. It was nice to hear someone say "I understand" and I knew they meant it. All of the above seems to be working :)
We all need to look for the silver lining & sometimes you need a [maybe really, really strong] strong microscope - I once saw a retired former boss in airport coming from his mother's funeral so I said 'how lucky you are to have had her so long' & he said 'yes, I really am'
It can be hard to come to grips with the loss of a loved one [& when my time comes I'll cry a good bit] but trying to look at loving times, special moments and other 'good' times' will balance your loss - get out old pix & look for the happiest 10 of your loved one which will shift your focus from the frail, old person in a wheelchair who was so needy to the vibrant 40 year old skiing/on the beach/at a party/etc - it will not happen over night but repeatedly looking back on the 'good old times' will readjust your impression of them ... maybe you should do this for both of you - hope this helps you to readjust to the new normal without them & if you keep a positive pix of them in your mind it will help
sometimes it takes making a call for help. I trust each of us to make that call. Because you are worth it.
And life is worth the living.....
It's funny cause I can be strong for others but not for myself. There is this little, inner voice inside of me that trys to cut into my thoughts. It says "you are great, you did all you could, love yourself" But then this other, stronger voice says, you are nothing, you are selfish and self-centered. Why do I believe the negative voice and not the positive one?
Sorry, didn't mean to take over the thread. I guess I'm just trying to say that if you are feeling bad its natural. Taking on the care of a loved one is hard, hard, hard. You wouldn't be human if you didn't have these feelings. I find the only thing that seems to help me, is to just take each day at a time. If I start to look too far ahead, it just overwhelms me. No one knows how long we each have on this earth. If you find yourself thinking will this ever end, just remember that nothing is forever. When my Mom finally just gave up, it happened just like that. I thought we may of had at least another year with her. So when you find yourself thinking this will never end, remember that it could end. Just like that.
I too know what it is like to be alone on this path. My mom (89) is mentally strong however she has mobility issues. My dad (91) has the dementia. Between trying to take care of their needs and working an 8 hour job I go up and down. Things will go good at home and then I will have problems at work. Or it can be just the opposite, good at work and bad at home. Sometimes I go home at the end of the day and think I should just end it. But then I think who would take care of my parents and who would take care of my cats! Then like they say I pull myself up by my boot straps. Sometimes it takes 3 or 4 days and sometimes a week before I get back on an even keel.
This site has been a tremendous help for me! Being able to voice things and know I will not be put down for feeling the way I do.
Take care
You may likely be VERY surprised that after mom dies, and you have dealt with that initial grief--you find yourself surrounded by possibilities and opportunities you didn't or couldn't take advantage of--since caring for someone or having their health issues on your head in your heart for so long make you too introspective. This can cause serious depression.
I'm grateful for a faith that sustains me. I know my loved ones who have passed, I will see again. I know this life is but a brief, often difficult time. You have purpose--(and so do I!) we just haven't found it yet.
I would advise you to ignore negative social media and even the news. I read only uplifting things and watch only a few carefully chosen shows on TV or movies. Little things can spiral my depression so I am learning to deal with triggers and such. Do the same for yourself NOW and then when mom goes, you will be in a better place to nurture yourself.
Please get some help. I too often feel like I have outlived my need to be here (and I am only 60!) Through weekly talk therapy and self care I am doing a little better. I do take meds and they help to a degree, but I have issues of longstanding that need to be walked through, step by step, Somedays, I feel "fine". Most days I can barely function. But, for every "3 steps forward, four steps back" I have had one or two lovely moments in a day.
Being chronically depressed with no support system, other than my therapist and psychiatrist is not for the faint hearted. I am involved in caregiving for a mother who wishes I had never been born. That doesn't help, and trying to "talk out" old issues is totally pointless at her age. I HAVE to let things go.
PLEASE find someone you can trust to talk with.
You're braver and better than you think you are.
I'm so sorry. I know its overwhelming being the sole caregiver. You are an amazing daughter. And you've done so much. Please don't give up. Try to access any and all community resources for yourself and your mom. I would consider counseling or joining a grief support group. I know its only natural to get so desperate or angry about a situation and wish for it all to go away. We all have those moments. After three years with my dad, I started to ask myself, how much longer can I go on? I felt bad. And then he died on me. And instead of relief, I have terrible anger about how he died. Take care my friend. Thinking of you.
Depression can creep into the mix as we are thrown into a job that we have had zero training. Plus there is no mentor there to help guide you with this job. This work takes up your whole day, every day, even the weekends. Even if one's elder is living elsewhere, there is that constant fear that the telephone will ring with either the elder needing immediate help or the facility calling. We have driven our self off into a ditch and it is hard to get out.
My primary doctor started me on trial basis on calming meds and anti-depressants, the smallest dosage possible, and cutting that in half. I also found a talk-therapist who was my age and who herself dealt with the care and whoa of elderly caregiving. It was nice to hear someone say "I understand" and I knew they meant it. All of the above seems to be working :)